One night an angular, curly-haired man with a lump on his cheekbone strode into the store. He stared at me with overt hostility as he made long quick strides across the floor to the cooler. He stayed close to the far wall, as though avoiding the counter behind which I stood, and he kept his eyes on me. He could have been anywhere between twenty and forty years old; it was hard to tell. He took two six-packs from the cooler and carried them to the counter, but he stood a bit farther from the counter than a normal customer. I might also have been standing back a bit. Contempt emanated from him. I wondered why he hated me. 1
He said something about money, but I couldn't understand what he wanted. I gathered that he expected me to give or lend him some money from my pocket, so that he could pay for the beer. This didn't make any sense to me. I refused. There was an argument. “You cock,” he said. I would probably not remember anything of this encounter today, if it weren't for my memory of that. It was not uncommon at night for something like this to happen, but this particular man saying that one thing sticks in my memory. It wasn't just the cold way he said it, but it sounded like something someone would have said a hundred or more years ago. “You cock.” Something about his attitude and manner intrigued me. 2
I don't remember how we ended up on the sidewalk. We were squared off against one another, posed to fight. I'm not sure why I wanted to fight him, but I did. It could be that he was just a harmless drunk who had to be run off, but in my mind it was more than that. What I probably felt, but didn't think in the way of words, was that something about me could not be asserted or even defined without reference to something about him. Whatever this was, it went beyond our physical appearance, beyond any particular situation, time and place in which we happened to meet.3
It may seem to you that I was out to prove something. You might say that. But it was as though I knew this guy from somewhere, I wanted him to show me just who he was or who he thought he was, whether he was better than me. I wanted to know, I wanted to be somebody, and I wanted to fight. I don't know how these various things came together in my mind, but I was a young man and I didn't think in terms of subtle distinctions.4
We were staring into one another’s eyes, fists positioned, testing one another, circling and moving in and out on each other in the swirling mist under the street lamp, which defined our arena. This went on for some time.5
I could see that if I really got into it with this fellow it would go badly for me. He was almost surely an experienced fighter, taller, stronger, leaner, and his reach was greater than mine. I remember thinking that he was probably quicker than I was, but I don't know how I determined this.6
I didn't feel any real anger or hatred towards him. He was who he was and I was who I was. I knew that even if I could land a punch, which seemed unlikely, I would have to check its force at the last instant, but he would follow through with all of his considerable strength until his fist was somewhere in the back of my head. This did not make either of us better or worse than the other. It is only that each was given different natures and abilities, beyond which we weren't allowed to go. I had to admit that I was scared and outmatched. This was not a guy that I should know too well, or fight directly.7
At this point I realized that he too was scared, or at least nervous, and I wondered what he had to be afraid of. I don't think he was as scared as I was, and maybe he had different reasons.8
Neither of us ever threw a punch. I don't know what ended it. At some point we dropped our poses. He mumbled something which I either didn't hear or have forgotten. Then he walked away into the darkness. I never found out who he was, where he came from, or where he went.
Author notes
There's quite a bit going on in the story, if you read it carefully. It really is all true, by the way.
A contest entry
- Give me something worth reading! by Miss Belligerence.
175 points, ended May 4, 2008, 45 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - May Whichcraft Contest by whichcraft.
175 points, ended May 23, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Very interesting read. Two people - strangers - squaring off in the street in the middle of the night.
You're a very good writer -
Bad time, bad temper
"but he would follow through with all of his considerable strength until his fist was somewhere in the back of my head." 4 stars! What a great description. Boxing/fighting is a lost art among American males. Now, you pop a cap in his ass. Used to be you'd settle things at arms length. Never had a fight where I didn't come out with a new understanding of myself and the other guy. I think this story lacks a resolution, but your descriptive powers are impressive.
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I've always thought that maybe they should bring back some sort of dueling that would be legally sanctioned only if certain rules were followed so that the opponents' strengths would be equalized and to assure that nobody gets killed or permanently injured. There is something to be said for face to face confrontation.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I agree that the story lacks a resolution. I think probably there was not enough that happened in the actual incident described to make a story, and in writing it I tried to infuse the incident with more meaning than it merits.
A few times I've almost removed the story from SW, but it has
as you said, some good descriptions.
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A nice little trip down memory lane.
You told it well, and this was written very well. I enjoyed reading
While I'm not usually into personal narratives, this held my attention and captured me. I felt like I was a spectator, watching the scene play out as I read. Good work here. And glad to read that it ended well, without a nasty fight 
Enjoyable read and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Pixie
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Interesting, I loved it. I must admit, I don't quite understand the purpose of that story, but it was very much enjoyable.
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It's just a true story, although I wonder if maybe I embellished it without meaning to, because memory is a funny thing that keeps getting funnier the older I get. The story's purpose might be to show a confrontation between good and evil, that evil is seductive and attractive, but dangerous, that they're two sides of some coin, or something like . . . Hell, I don't know what it's about. Definitely not my best story, but I kind of like it and I'm glad that you did to.
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You have merely reported an incident. Story? Not quite. The man is a mystery...as was whatever encouraged the "outcome" of this incident. There certainly IS the germ of an idea here...but you have left it UNDEVELOPED. Overall, I found the writing style a little stilted and forced...awkward and strained in places. I would wish it to be more conversational and flexible in the telling. It FEELS forced...strained. Sorry to repeat this...but the feeling remains, and because of it I can't penetrate the soul of either character, NOR, more important, what you are trying to say and convey. You yourself seem removed. Perhaps this is part of the problem. Additionally: Further (in P1) =farther.
What's a "normal" customer? I would find a better word.
"I might have been standing back" (is this necessary? Why do you feel COMPELLED to tell us this? Is it really pertinent?
"Contempt EMANATED" I don't see this as credible...wrong word!
"wondered why he HATED me?" How do you KNOW he "hated" you. (He may have SEEMED to have "hate" in his eyes...but this is not how you put it!)
The awkwardness of your writing here can be illustrated by the following: "He said something about money...BUT I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT HE WANTED." Why not just say, more economically: "He muttered something about money that I could not understand." Or..."Despite his mutterings, I could not understand him."
I wouldn't say:"I don't remember how we ended up on the sidewalk"...all you need is: "Somehow we ended up on the sidewalk...squared off, posed to fight."
This is much less labored...much more dramatic!
Again, you slow things down and apologize for yourself with:"I am not sure why I wanted to fight"
Just say: "It could have been that he was just a harmless drunk who had to be run off, but in my mind it was more than that!"
Again: "What I PROBABLY felt was, etc." Get rid of these vague words! You are the writer...YOU should know. And...if you don't...don't broadcast it and slow your reader down into a morass of incredulity!
BTW...that sentence ("What I probably felt, etc.") is really too long and unwieldy.
Again, Willy, you have:"It MAY SEEM to you"...lose this style. It does nothing for your story. Just write the story. Just say: "I was NOT out to prove anything!" Don't worry about what may or may not "SEEM" to the reader. This is up to him!
And again..."It was AS THOUGH..."(P4) and...(P6): "He was ALMOST surely an experienced fighter."
Yes or No? And..."PROBABLY quicker than" (P6)
The next graph is also laden with conditionals...and vague ideas.
Finally your ending leaves the reader with a ho-hum. I think you could have done better. Your line: "I do not know what ended it?" C'mon! If YOU don't know...who does? Why did you write this? What are you REALLY trying to say? Was there a theme here? I think there's an idea well buried in this...but I don't think you unearthed it!
GA
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Well, I dunno just what to say, but there is something about this story that I just really like. I can not for the life of me place my finger on it though... Man, I really, really liked this one.
Curious, is there a point to the story? Or just something that popped into your head one day?
I liked the disconnected feel of it, it really intrigues me, like one reliving a moment in there life as if it wasn't theirs... interesting.
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The disconnected feel might be the result of my trying to be objective and spare with my wording, or perhaps that the narrator is looking back on this event that happened long ago. As for the point of the story, the store clerk is a young man who probably has not yet defined himself. The other guy is some sort of evil entity that perhaps has been sent to test him. The clerk wants to posess, or at least to understand, the knowledge and power of the other man, but then he realizes that he is not meant to understand it. Thanks for reading and commenting. I am glad you liked the story.
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If you wanted the disconnection and to make the reader into a spectator, then I don't understand the use of first person in this particular one. I know in some cases it just works out, but the vagueness in this didn't seem to fit with the point of view. I think that if you wanted the first person view, things should have been more clear; it wouldn't have taken away from the role of the reader as a spectator. Otherwise, third person seems like the logical choice to me.
I really respect how you do things in a different way, it's one of my favorite qualities in a writer. When you attempt something like that though, you have to be prepared to accept things are not going to work out as often as it would when you follow the rules. It's just a part of it. I mean it when I say I respect what you're doing.
We all have different opinions though, you don't have to listen to them all. Your the writer, so its your story.
I have the feeling I over-analyzed this, so it's probably just fine. You may be the victim of my bad habit.
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Thanks for reading and for your thoughtful comment. In writing a lot of things don't work as the writer hopes. The story is short, so perhaps there is room for me to add some things to make the story clearer. Basicly it is just a retelling of the Adam and Eve story. The two guys aren't Adam and Eve exactly. The narrator is like both Adam and Eve and the other guy is the serpent. The original is a lot better, so I don't know why I even wrote it, come to think of it.
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Ummm....
Again, there seems to be a little something here that worries me. I like the story and the way it's told, and since I've been in similar situations, I can concur with the realisation that the only thing that fisticuffs will resolve is who is the more willing to take the chance of being badly beaten or badly beating, neither of which resolves anything except a degree of momentary insanity with a side order of inadequacy.
I think what worries mje here is the lead up to the incident. Shades of wise old Doc, philosophising, and whilst there may be truth in the philosophy, it has the demerit of putting anopinion before the case is made. The writing of the story expresses the inherent sanity in a more tacit and powerful way. I think my point is that the preamble is unnecessary, and actually detracts from the telling of the story; it would be equally out of place as a moral to the tale, unless told to children; what do you think?
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3.
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Well, that was an easy fix. I just cut the preamble, and yes you are right it reads better. I'm glad you liked the story, and thanks for the read and comment.
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Good
I was interested to see the outcome of this story, and although it reached an anti climax, it also left me with an understanding as to how the male mind works. (Something I must confess that has always mystified me. :-) )
I believe we have all inherited the instinct to defend our status and an impetuous desire to do so is probably "animal instinct" - the law of survival. However, given the time to reassess the situation and think about it, also gives us back the element of self control.
Your story illustrated how we have evolved into that "thinking animal" and an acknowledgement that violent conflict doesn't always, or very often for that matter, bring about a solution.
I always brought up my sons with the belief that it takes a lot more courage to walk away from a fight than become involved in one. Ah, but then I'm a woman - perhaps my understanding of the male mind nees further to go. :-)
Enjoyed the story. It was well written and held my attention to the very end. Thank you for sharing.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Thanks for reading and commenting. It is a true story. The male mind is sometimes a mystery even to me. It seemed to me that the guy might have been like an ageless evil figure wandering the world picking fights. Good cannot win against evil fighting on evil's terms. Also, he would have beaten me up pretty bad as well! I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
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wow, this was amazing. There was a really strong sense of disconnect, I felt like the narrorator felt like he was watching it instead of living it.
Great write
thanks for entering
-gibson -
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Thanks for the comment, and for the contest. Yes, the "sense of disconnect" was deliberate. I try for something I call objective detachment. I want for the reader to witness the two men fighting as though the reader is a spectator.
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I am not a big fan of personal narratives in general - more of an imagery person, really, rich vibrant colors and vivid metaphors - but this piece surprised me.
I was pulled into the story, from the gradual buildup at the beginning and the details that made it real for me, to the anticlimactic climax, all the better for nothing grandiose having happened.
I liked that. Unexpected. Realistic.
Lovely.
I'm glad I had a chance to read this piece,
Best,
Nocturne
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I am happy that you read, liked, and commented on my story. Thank you. I would love to have more imagery in my stories, but it seems my sense for imagery has dulled as I have become older. If you have a sharp sense for imagery, it is good to write it down when you are young, because the intensity fades with time.
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I think I know what you mean about the senses dulling - though for me it's imagination. I used spend days thinking up vibrant worlds, courtesy of some novel I read
Maybe now it's just harder to give yourself time to dream? Or that feeling of elation and inspiration.
I don't ever want to lose that.
And I should be the one thanking you; this is a great story.
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Very Good
I noticed from your Bio that these are more or less true stoires from your past. This one was a nice slice down memory lane, it shows just how quick young tempers can be. Your descriptions of the feelings you had were well-written. Gave me a feel of what two men squaring off must think about. I enjoyed the read very much.
Good Job! Keep on writing!
Sincerely,
IGW
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Thanks for reading my story, and for the encouraging words. A story is not finished until someone like you reads it.
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