I came in to the house and you were laying there in a pool of your blood with a gun shot to your head. I scream and pick you up took my jacket off and heal it over the hole in your head your blood bleed through it all over my chest lap as I heal it down tight whole you your blood continue to pour all over me.1
I call 911 over and over again begging for help as I was losing you said with tears in your eyes blood on your face and mouth you were sorry I love you shook and cuff up blood that hit my face I scream no Jaycee no don't go whole you close begging you not to go but it was too late.2
Even after your body was taken away I sit there with your blood all over me asking why did this happen ?3
Why couldn't I save?4
Why couldn't I stop this?5
Why did God let this happen ?6
I then scream in pain hurt as I destroy everything in the house and then sat alone still cover in your blood in the dark as I realized you were gone and never would return again. 7
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A contest entry
- Dark Poetry by SnowFlakeWolf.
350 points, ended April 26, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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aww
make me sad -
ummm....
its none of my bussiness to pass judgement or anything but I wish i could say it was a great "piece of work" but I don't even think it can be consider a "peice of work" my god yor spelling scared me and I am sorry to say but maybe you should go back to school and learn some more english. -
oh lordy jesus in heaven.
First, this isn't really what I'd call poem format :S
Second, why on earth is there no punctuation?! Wait, ok, I see a few periods.
"I scream and pick you up took my jacket off and heal it over the hole in your head your blood bleed through it all over my chest lap as I heal it down tight whole you your blood continue to pour all over me"
^Holy cow, run on sentence.
Let's talk about this for a second.
First of all "heal it over the hole in your head" makes no sense at all. How can you heal something over something else?
Second, "heal it over the hole in your head bleed through it all over my chest lap."
ok, what the heck?
here's how it would be written gramatically correct:
"...held it over the hole in your head. You bled through it all over my chest and lap as I held it down tight, holding you while your blood continued to pour all over me."
Also, you keep changing tenses and that's painfully confusing. So painfully confusing, I'm currently painfully confused about whether this already happened or not.
"Even after your body was taken away I sit there with your blood all over me asking why did this happen ?3
Why couldn't I save?"
Why couldn't you save what!?
you need a comma after "away" and quotations around "why did this happen?"
You spelled "cough" wrong.
Are you seriously 34 years old? Is english a second language for you? Because I'm around half your age and my grammar is better than that.
If english is your second language then that's easier to understand. I've read a couple paragraphs of your other story and your grammar is a tiny bit better, however it's still horrible for someone your age. I think it's horrible in general for someone who's not in like, 3rd grade.
Sorry to be so blunt, but really mister, please to be using spell check on microsoft word if you don't know much about grammar.
If I could understand this, then maybe I could give it a proper overview of what I felt about how you actually wrote the poem. -
This is okay, but it's not exactly a poem. It is depressing though. ^^ just like i asked. ^^ Thank you for entering and good luck, ^^
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