Once there was a young farmer named Thomas. Thomas lived alone, up on top of a hill, and this is exactly how he liked it. For he grew plenty of crops to feed himself, he had a comfortable bed to give him a place to rest, and he had one almost-to-big house that provided shelter for only himself, “and this,” thought Thomas, “is all I will ever need.”1
But one day he was walking through the hills on a moonlit night, a route he did not normally take, when he heard a small, distant sound. Now, Thomas knew that curiosity was deadly, but, none-the-less, he felt it wrap its fingers around him, until he was pulled in that direction. As Thomas grew closer and closer the sound grew louder and clearer and so completely beautiful. And soon, he found himself standing atop a hill, gazing down upon a girl more beautiful than the moon, stars and sun together, singing in a voice like none other before her, and dancing a beautiful, graceful dance that brought her to the air. As Thomas watched, he felt a strange unfamiliar feeling creeping up into his chest.2
When Thomas went home, he thought that everything would go back to normal. He went to bed, did his chores, and lived a normal day, but when night fell, he somehow found himself back on the same path, and again that night he watched the girl dance. 3
Days went by, and they turned into weeks, then months, and eventually a year had gone by and every single night, be there rain, sleet, or snow, Thomas went to go watch the dancing girl. 4
But then there came a drought, and because Thomas had no money to buy food, and now, nothing to sell, he knew he must go find work. So Thomas walked over the hills and before he came to any town, he came upon a large, white farm house. “Perfect,” Thomas thought, “I will find work here.” So he went to the house and knocked on the door, which was soon answered by an old man whose beard was so long, it brushed against the floor boards. “Who are you, and what do you want?” the old man asked gruffly.5
“My name is Thomas,” Thomas said, “and I have come to find work.” 6
Soon the old man agreed, and gave Thomas a cot in the barn to sleep in, and a job tending the horses. 7
Thomas did his job well, but that night when he tried to get to sleep, the absence of the sweet voice he had to end every day haunted him, and the beautiful presence of the dancing girl swam into his dreams. 8
But the next morning, Thomas awoke to a wonderfully familiar sound, and when he came out of the barn, he saw the dancing girl talking gently to the horses as she brushed their manes. But when Thomas saw her tear-stained face his heart nearly broke in two, and he fell to his knees in front of her, “Tell me, what troubles you so much?”9
She looked at him with distrustful eyes, and then asked “Why do you care? You are a paid servant, while I am a slave.” 10
“Because I wish to help you,” Thomas said. 11
“I am to be sold tomorrow,” she said sadly, “to a master who is said to be cruel. I have grown to love it here and I do not wish to leave.”12
“And so you will not,” Thomas whispered.13
That night Thomas snuck to the old man’s kitchen, stealing just enough for two, then he slipped into the old man’s bedroom, and, grabbing the man’s beard firmly, he tied it to the bed post. The last thing he did was go to the dancing girl’s bedroom and wake her from her sleep. “Come with me, and you will not be sent away,” he whispered. 14
The dancing girl inspected him carefully, “Why do you want to help me so badly?” she asked. 15
“Because I don’t want someone as beautiful as you to be sold like a cow,” Thomas said back softly.16
“But what if you get caught?” she whispered.17
Thomas turned to look at her, and smiled lightly, “Then I, too shall become a cow. Now we must hurry.” So the two rushed away, and when the old man woke from his sleep, hearing the noise of their escape, he could do nothing in time, for as he got up to chase after them, his beard tugged him back.18
Thomas took the girl back to his home on top of the hill, and there the two of them lived together, and this is how they liked it, with enough crops to feed the two of them, and two beds to give them a place to rest. They lived in one house, just big enough for them to be happy, “and this,” Thomas thought, “is all I will ever need.”19
Author notes
This Is my first short story that I think is decent, and I am very happy to say that it has been entered in a contest at a library, and won, so now, it is published in a magazine called "the write stuff" yaaaaaaaay! I hope you liked it. ^_^
A contest entry
- Romantica 3# (Third attempt at a Romance contest) by Intrepid.
350 points, ended July 26, 20 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
just tell me what you think, short stories arn't my strong point
Comments
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Excellent...Now...make it MORE EXCELLENT!
Well, there, a very sweet story. Well written...and without lots of overused, hackneyed..."stuff!" But I have a few comments if you are open to them. First...a few small points, sniggles, if you will...then I will comment on the overall story. Ok?
P1 A fine opening...you don't need much more. Nothing wrong with this.
P2..."one DAY he was walking...on a moonlight NIGHT"
Oh, oh. A little careless...I think you should better have said: "One moonlit night, as he was walking through the hills...etc"
P2..."small distant" As I told your sister yesterday, when you find yourself using more than one adjective it usually means that you haven't found the right one! PLUS..."small and distant" do not do well together, because if the sound was ditant and he heard it...it wasn't small. Anyway sounds are not "small" The word you probably meant to use was FAINT. Then you would not need distant. If you used distant...you would not need small. It is only confusing. (Sorry to go on with this...but I sense an argument! lol!)
"Curiosity is deadly"...this is debatable. Yes, "curiosity killed the cat," and "fools go where angels fear to tread"...but "seek and ye shall find" and "nothing ventured, nothing gained!"
(My moral: stay away from aphorisms...particularly if you present them as DEFINITIVE!)
"until he was pulled" Did the curiosity stop then? Or was it later, when it was "satisfied with the sight of the dancer?" (I just want you to be aware of what you write...and more careful)
Don't just say the girl was beautiful...describe her...or what she was doing. It is not enough to use such immense hyperbole (there's an example of redundancy for you...but I want to make the point) as "more beautiful then the sun and the moon and the stars." (and you did not need the word "together." One would NOT roll the three together...so, again, unnecessary word...and more hyperbole! Take it easy...calm down. Be believable and real. Just describe the girl. Believe me, it is a lovely concept you have here...and just to have her dancing, alone, scantily clad, beneath the moonlight is enough to fire the imagination. You don't have to beat us over the head to convince us.
By the way...where was the music coming from? just her voice? Again, you don't really need the exaggerated: "like no other before her." It's a little too big! (Interesting oxymoron there, on my part!)
Incidentally, you use the "beautiful" three times in that one paragraph. You would have noticed this had you read it aloud to yourself. We all do this...simply find some synonyms.
"That brought her to the air"...This is unclear. You might phrase this a bit better. Was she perfoming ballet-like leaps?
"strange unfamiliar feeling" What was it? You might be a little more specific.
P3...try not to use words like "normal" This is a relative term...and it is difficult to envision specifically. Did he mean "without stimulation? "Did he mean "boring?" Did he mean "as things were BEFORE his vision?" What EXACTLY DID he mean?
Stay clear of that word "somehow"...It's a bad habit. Just say what he did or did not do. Because "somehow" tells the reader nothing.
P4...One cliche is "days TURNED into weeks, weeks TURNED into months, etc." Time passed is even better. The other gets tedious.
Cliche: Rain, SLEET or snow...(It isn't that bad, just terribly overused, mostly in speech...and you can do better)
I love the old guy's beard brushing against the floor boards!
P8...You've got to rework the sentence:..."the absence of the sweet voice HE HAD TO END EVERY DAY"
It's a bit awkward. You can say this better.
P9 Find another word for "brushed" ...This already belongs to the image of the old guy's beard!
Cliche: "heart nearly BROKE in two" Say it differently.
I love your tying the beard to the bedpost!
The exchange between Thomas and the dancing girl is good. Believable. (Only a few reservations...because I don't know that she would take a chance on going with a stranger...WHOM...YOU DID NOT YET DESCRIBE! (You should ALWAYS describe your people...particularly MAJOR CHARACTERS!)
Ok.
Now...the overall tale:
Very sweet, and, as I said earlier, nicely written. A good story...with some VERY nice touches. BUT...to make this a really GOOD and COMPELLING story...you must have CONFLICT. This is what makes a story compelling...and what propels it forward. THIS is what gives it juice...momentum. AND...you MUST have a THEME. A MORAL...some bit of TRUTH you reveal to the reader that makes the story worth the reading! In other words, a resolution of the CONFLICT that reveals this truth. Where is the conflict? It RESIDES within your MAJOR character, who, in this case is THOMAS. For it is from within HIS POV that the tale is told. The girl is the object...the symbol here...Thomas's object of desire. And what was his conflict? Well, it would seem to me to be his risking his job...perhaps his values and even his life...to sacrifice all for his dream...his desire...his lofty vision.... Your THEME has to do with WORK and SURVIVAL VS. BEAUTY and FANCIFUL WHIMSY. So...to make this story MEANINGFUL...you must beef up both sides of this conflict evenly...and to convey to the reader that movement toward one choice will raise risks and dangers on the other side of the conflict.Have Thomas STRUGGLE with the conflict a few times. Keep it balanced until the end...when SOMETHING...Some EVENT, will move your major character one way or the other. Make the reason clear...and that's the end of the story. CURTAIN. NOW...SD, you understand what makes a good short story...and NOW, SD, you know what you are doing. AND...I believe that. BECAUSE...you are smart...talented...and bright enough to understand all of this. Rather than all the praise that you DO deserve in addition to it...because this IS a fine effort! But I want to teach you more. You're ready for it. And as I may have mentioned to your sister...when I was you age...I couldn't write my way out of a paper bag, much less pull something like this off!
Good luck, SD, I hope this helps!Essentially, I just gave you half a course in the SHORT STORY! College level!
GA
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Oh this is sweet I can see why it won it is so lovely and charming ... congrats on your win.... it was well worth it really
Good luck
Thanks for entering
blair
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Yay <3 I love this story; it's so sweet and innocent. Very nicely written, and I love the way you used repetition at the ending. Keeeeeewwwwwlllll!!! This piece makes me feel happy whenever I read it
Eph -
This is awesome, Genny.
I love how it repeats itself at the end.
Man, I can't even describe how supremely amazing this is.
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