Siby Anan's Book of Poems

EREMOPHOBIA~1

I fear loneliness2

Smoke is smelled as it crawls through my blood
And threatens to show itself3

As my burning soul yearns to let itself out4

Salty tears form outside my bloodshot eyes
I can taste them while they run down my face5

And stop at my never-smiling lips6

I can hear silent sobs coming from none other than myself
I doubt you can hear it as well7

My heart is numbing with pain
When you try to shut me out8

I look around and see no one by my side
And now it's just me and my solitude
I fear loneliness;9

Yet it's all around me10

11

SOMEONE DIFFERENT~12

When you tell someone they’re different,
Just because they don’t look like you,
Just because they don’t sound like you,
Just because they’re not you,
You’re turning a simple human being…
…into a fighter.
When you tell someone they’re different,
You’re telling other people what you’ve found out,
And you’re making a simple human being…
…an outcast.
When you tell someone they’re different,
You’re breaking their confidence,
You’re changing who they were going to be.
You’re steering them in a direction they don’t want to go in.
You’re making a simple human being…
…someone they’re not.
They feel cold…
They feel isolated.
They’re going to hate everyone because they’ll think everyone’s the same.
Is what really what you wanted?
The words you say can be so hurtful…
And you don’t even care…13

14

FATHER~15

You held my hand when I was lost
You took me in your arms
When it was cold outside
You kissed me whenever I got hurt
You wiped my tears when I just couldn’t bear it anymore16

But now you’ve passed away
And it’s too hard for me to bear
Who’s going to stop me from getting lost?
How will I live alone in this cold world?
I’m getting hurt more and more
Just because you’re not here17

When I held your loving hand
One last time
The tears were streaming down your face
I didn’t understand…
You told me you were going to a ‘better’ place
But you were the one that said
Anywhere that you’re with me
Is the best place in the world?18

Slowly the smile faded from your soft face
The caring warmth left your eyes
Your face became paler than my own
Father…
You held my hand
When I was lost
You took me in your arms
When it was cold outside
You kissed me when I got hurt
And father,
You were proud of me
And I promise you,
I’ll never let you down.19

20

THE PAIN~21

Hiding in the depths of her room
She never knew we're standing outside the door
Leaving her cellphone off
She'll never hear our messages
Never leaving her room to check the mail
She won't read ever our letters
She blocked out all that's important to her
And fell into seclusion22

She didn't listen to our words
She didn't try to understand us
We knew what she was going through
But did she know that?
We understood how she felt
Did she know that?
We wanted to help her through it
But she wouldn't listen23

She was trapped in a world where truth was forgotten
Love was just a word
Pain was what kept her alive
Friends were just there, and they couldn't do anything
What will it take to take her out of these illusions?
What will it take to pull her out of the depths of solitude?
What will it take to make her realize that we're right here?
Why doesn't she see that we're reaching out for her?
Why doesn't she see that our hearts ache for her happiness?24

She sat in the bathroom,
Scarring herself because she was scared
If she felt pain, she would confirm her existence
What would it take for her to notice
That we knew she was alive, and we'd acknowledge that?
Perhaps she'll never know
Because she stayed in that dark, isolated room forever
We were never able to take her hand
And pull her out25

And alas, we can do nothing
For we stand over her grave now
Wishing we could've done something more
And now we understand
That she just didn't want us to see her pain
And here we stand, still ignorant to that one little thing
That could kill a person
That killed our best friend.26

Pain.27

28

WHAT WILL BECOME OF US?~29

What will become of us
As years go by?
As you become something more
And I remain something less?
What will become of our memories
That we've lived through?
That I'll always remember
But perhaps you may forget.
As doors open in front of you,
Brick walls form before me.
What will become of us
As the future unfolds
And the pasts lays forgotten?
The curtain closes for me,
But rolls open for you.
Makes me wonder...
How in the world did two opposites like us
Ever become friends?
What will become of us,
As our friendship disappears?30

31

LOST~32

Tonight, I've lost something precious to me
I'll never forget this day
I've lost the one thing I lived for
I lost my best friend
We've had our ups and downs
Each fight seemingly worse than the last
Each fight seemingly longer than the last
But never did it come to this
This night is a dark night
This 5th day of January, the first month of 2007
I've lost someone precious to me
My head aches from confusion
My heart aches from pain
The situations have gotten close to the edge
But never have they jumped off it
Except for tonight
Now I know I'll never try my hardest again
Because my hardest is never worth anything
This night...
This clear moonlit night...
I have lost...
My Best Friend.
Because no matter how hard I try,
It's never worth
anything
And along with my best friend,
I've lost...
myself.33

34

BLOODLUST~35

Intimate secrets
What are they really?
Lust for relations,
Or lust for blood?36

Writhing in ecstasy
wondering when
you’ll finally know
what she really wants.37

Kiss on the neck,
Is that the true desire?
How do you know
she doesn’t want
to sink her teeth
into your foreboding flesh?38

She whispers,
“I love you,”
seductively into your ear.
and runs her hand
through your hair
affectionately.39

Then lets out a little yelp
as you sink your canines
into her shoulder.
Your thirst for the crimson fluids
taking over your senses
taking over you.40

You wanted her.
You wanted her body.
You wanted her blood.
You desired her flesh.41

She loved you.42

43

JUDGEMENT~44

I’ve not met you before
I’ve never seen you before
You don’t even know me
You know this, as do I45

Then tell me why you judge me so
Without even knowing my name
Why do you look at me?
And pretend you know all about me?46

You’ve never stepped into my shoes
And gone through all I’ve been through
Yet here you are acting as if you have
And you’re telling me how I should feel47

Why do you glare at me?
Why do you point at me?
Why do you laugh at me?
Why do you tease me as if it’s okay?48

I’ve not met you before
I’ve never seen you before
You don’t even know me
You know this, as do I49

So tell me why you judge me so
When you don’t even know my name
Why are you looking at me with hateful eyes?
Why do you pretend you know me?50

51

TO AN OLD FRIEND~52

Kissed by hate
Touched by cruelty
Drowning in lies
Stabbed by fake smiles
Tired of absences53

You say the hole in your heart
Can only be filled by me
Because I was the one that put it there54

That’s not true
Because without me you soar
And with me
You’re nailed to the ground55

How can you say
Such hurtful things
And then expect me
To forgive you…
Again?56

Well here’s what I think of you:
I think you’re self centered
I don’t think you understand
What true friendship really is.57

Friendship is about a bond-
-that allows you to be comfortable
Around each other.
-that allows you to trust
One another with anything.
-that allows you to believe
All the things you say to each other.58

I’m afraid we’ve hit
Another dead end.
I’m sorry I can’t manage
To break down this wall
To save our…
“Friendship.”59

So I guess that it’s over
I guess this is the end
I guess that all those memories
Are all we have now.60

61

REASONS~62

I write because
there's things in my head
that will never be heard
unless they are written
in poetry or prose.63

I write because
the only way I understand myself
is if I express myself.64

I write because
words coming from my tongue
fail in comparison
to the ones coming from my fingers.65

I write because
every phase of my life needs explaining
and all my thoughts
can't stay in my head forever,
can they?66

I write because
I appreciate every form of art
be it writing, drawing, dancing, singing...67

I write because I know what it is like
to have things bottled up and how it feels
when everything explodes within you.68

Need I truly explain
why I write?69

I write, therefore I am.70

71

I'M HERE~72

You are the light.
You are shining down on me.73

Guiding me through the darkness,
Leading me out of it.74

I stand here with open arms.
I stand here to catch you if you fall.75

Holding on to you tight,
And letting you go so that you may fly.76

You are the foundation.
You are the one who supports me.77

Holding me up,
So that I can someday learn to stand myself.78

I will stay here by your side.
I will stay here until you don’t need me anymore.79

Until you leave me here, heartbroken and torn,
Until you want to support someone else.80

I’m standing here with my open arms.
I’m standing here to catch you if…if you fall.81

82

I CAN DO NOTHING~83

Dark chocolate tresses
Luscious atop her head.84

Big eyes filled with life
Black diamonds set in irises.85

A simple crooked smile
Dazzling, dashing.86

Elegant strides
Smooth and graceful.87

A voice so soft
A whisper like the wind.88

A wink, a giggle
Friendly to even the unknown89

I see her everyday
So full of life.90

I can do nothing to be like her.91

I wonder what she sees
Behind those black eyes.92

I wonder what she knows
That makes her smile like that.93

I wonder why she flips her hair
Standing in front of the mirror.94

One glance
And everything is different.95

Her eyes lose their light
As if seeing something depressing.96

That crooked smile disappears
Fading into a frown.97

Suddenly everything is wrong.
Everything.98

Nothing is right.
Nothing.99

I can do nothing to help her.100

The smile’s fake
The twinkled eyes forged.101

False beauty…all an attempt to-
To be what she’s not.102

I know everything about her
Yet I know nothing.103

I watch her as she cries
She cries because of imperfection.104

I watch her as she moves
Grace and elegance forgotten.105

I watch her while she tries to smile
A genuine smile.106

A smile so real appears
But disappears in a second.107

She frowns again.
She’s discontent.108

I can do nothing to bring it back.109

I hear a sigh, a sniffle
As she hugs herself.110

I hear a sob, a cry
As she curls into a ball.111

I reach out to touch her
To give her some comfort.112

But, alas! I cannot
For she is me113

And I can do nothing to help myself.114

115

STOP~116

Stop calling me a failure
And maybe I’ll succeed117

Stop nailing me to the ground
And maybe I’ll fly118

Stop telling me I’m stupid
And maybe I’ll get smarter119

Stop outdoing me
And maybe I’ll outdo myself120

Stop putting me down
And maybe I’ll be able to stand up121

Stop reassuring me that everything will be alright
And maybe I’ll believe you122

Stop making me cry
And maybe I’ll stop123

Stop screaming at me
And maybe I’ll do something right124

Stop blocking me out
And maybe you'll hear my screams.125

Just stop.
And maybe I won't die.126

127

SO CLOSE~128

I’m so weak
So close to breaking
So close to forgetting everything
And forgiving so much not meant to be forgiven129

I’m so lost
So close to running to her
So close to calling
And crying when it’s not my place to cry130

I’m so broken
So close to seeing past lies
So close to giving in
And mending something not meant to be mended131

I’m so close
To running back to her
To asking her for forgiveness
When it’s not my place to ask132

It’s so like me
To do things to bring back peace
So close to ending an enmity133

That was never meant to be ended.134

135

LUMINATE THE WAY~136

What is inspiration?
What illuminates the path
that brings us to follow
that inspiration?137

What is our destination?
What designates us
to follow that path
to find where we are destined to be?138

What leads us?
What brings us to that place
that grants our wishes
and makes dreams come true?139

I know now that
everything I've done is because of him
If I was ever to surpass him
I'd have to do better
Starting off as a rival,
we fought for the top
Of course he won
Leaving me as runner up140

What is inspiration?
A challenge.
What is my destination?
My dream.
What leads me?
Love.141

Without hating him, I'd never know
what it means to try my hardest
Without trying my hardest, I'd never know
what it means to fall in love with he who...142

with he who will never know love as I do143

What is inspiration?
You are.
What is my destination?
Your side.
What leaves me?
Your hate.144

It seems love inspires,
illuminates,
designates,
and leads the way...145

straight to you.146

147

THE RIGHT WORD~148

My mind is blank
My eyes go unseeing
My body doesn’t function
My hands are motionless149

As I was writing,
I stopped abruptly
My sentence lay unfinished
For I couldn’t find the word150

The word that would
finish the sentence
The word that would
bring together the whole story151

My mind runs through
Pages of the dictionary
Not finding, still searching
Alas! The word comes to mind152

My mind repeats the word
My eyes see the word
My body is no longer still
My hand writes down the word153

And all is well.154

155