Yesterday was my eighteenth birthday. I woke up around 7:00 and felt the same as I had four years before. Nothing had changed, and at the same time every thing had. I had seen, felt, loved, and learned but still am the same person. And feeling it more now then ever.1
I started off by poring a large cup of coffee with too much sugar, and a full flavored cigarette. The first legal one in my life so far. I sat on my sisters back porch in the near blinding light when I decided I would document the day in photos. Once I had finished my fag I went in to the house and gathered my camera. I forced the camera into every blooming flower in her yard. Then moved to found objects in the house. Every thing had a place on the memory card, and that is the way I wanted it to be.2
I eat a bologna sandwich with mustered, and my mother came with cake and ice cream. She sang happy birthday to me, delivered the cards from my grandparents, and left. I have never she her the way I did that day. She acted as if she was worried. Worried that I would not be ready for adult hood, even though she knew all my habits and vices. She hated all of them, nail biting, chain smoking, and lastly my anger problem. I will always remember her telling me that I was the most sensible out of our family, because I always thought to much. Which I have seen as a problem.3
Once she had set me free to lounge, I called my best friend. Unlike me they had attended school that Wednesday. They were apprehensive to come meat me a few miles out of town, but agreed because it was my “birthday”. They arrived after I smoked another cigarette, and stood around like there was something dangerous in the house. This I have seen before out of the two but only in severely unconvertible circumstances.4
We stayed for about twenty minutes, as I shot at balloons, bottles, and cans with a bee be gun. I gathered up my belongings and got into the car. They sat up front while I sat in the back, alone.
Courtney played a few of my favorite songs by her favorite band as
we road down into Hillsboro: my birthplace, hometown. Eighteen year in this little city, nothing unfamiliar despite all the newer buildings and stores. There was no Wall-Mart five years prier, or a Burger King. But I didn’t think to recognize those changes like on a normal day. I wanted it all to seen like the same old, comforting town.5
We made a stop at Courtney’s mom’s apartment. There were three kittens: we each got to hold one. Mine was grey and white. Very ordinary for a stray cat’s baby. It was also odd, with it’s large grey blue eyes. I held her in my lap while I listened to the conversation going on about College and the tree of us moving in together this summer. I set the fluffy grey ball on the cushion next to me, and realized that its back legs were not working correctly. Maybe she was born like that, or something traumatizing had happened in the few days she had been alive. I picked her up, held her, and hoped she simply didn’t have a good footing. Just that and nothing more till we left the complex.6
I ask them to stop at a gas station. I had to fight for making the stop at one with low cigarette prizes. She pulled up to the door of this newly light building and I found my wallet. The women behind the register was a whole head shorter then me, blond, and a little worn down. She asked me if she had id me before, I told her I didn’t know, then asked for Pall Mall full flavored in a hard pack. She quickly glanced at my drivers permit and handed me the cigarette and the difference. I stepped back out and got in the car, buckled my seat belt while we sped out of town, towards the lake. 7
We pulled up in the parking lot next to the beach. The only reason we came to the lake was for Courtney to take Shelbie’s senior pictures. She had taken mine and a few other friends earlier this year. So down to the beach we go, kicking up sand. Some of our friends were there. I wasn’t on good terms with a few of them, but that didn’t bother or detour my two from walking right up to them, and making small talk.8
I sat quite, as I do in awkward situations, glancing and slightly smiling every now and then: to try to ease the clear tension. Distrait, I smoked three cigarette in a row from my new pack. After starring into the blue green water for about fifteen minutes with the angry sun to my back, taking a little swim sounded like the perfect thing.9
I suggested the idea in a mumbled voice, with little response. I took off my shoes, socks, coat, and sun glasses. Then put out my half smoked butt and headed toward the water. My feet hit the sand hard, and it caused me to stumble and almost fall. I got up on the water’s edge and flat footedly stepped into the cold dark lake.
It was icy in temperature, which made more then enough sense considering the time of year. But I continued outward. The water continued as well to get deeper and with this came a strange peace over my troubled mine. It was as if all of my thoughts, feelings, discomfort was drifting away with the water moving back to the bank, along with the people I was leaving behind.
At this time the dirty water was up to my shoulders. That’s when I started to cry. Some relief from every thing, and every one had been delivered to me in a way of freezing filthy lake water. I only let my self tear up for a few moments before submerging my head under with the rest of my being. When I came up from sinking to the bottom I began to float on my back before standing up to make my way back.10
The walk up out of the water was a sad one, realizing the free sensation was quickly leaving my body and returning to the water. I stomped through the shallow part, looking up into the way of the sun at the people I had left. Their black masses looking at me, and trying not to. Drenched clothing clinging to body with the slight breeze, which before was comforting, now was sad and crewel.11
I gathered my things form the beach and we left the lake, and a part of me. As I sat in the car in the back seat alone I realized that something was different. This day was not the same as every day after all. There was a way to the lake, to the swim that did something to me. Now hours after I became a free women I finally felt it. The new chapter in my life. 12
Adding your comment: