"I'm gonna go out, you want to come?" I asked my husband, James.1
"What? Your going out? You said you would say home. You always do this, you say your gonna say and then just leave!" James replied.2
"No. I never said I was staying home tonight! I'm still going. I love you!" 3
I didn't wait for an answer, I didn't need one. My friends and I were going out to dinner tonight, and no one was going to stop me.4
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***6
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"Hey Deb! What's up?" I asked my best friend in the world, Debby.8
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"Hey Lisa! I'm good. Are Ash and Megan coming?"10
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"Yeah, look here they come now."12
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"Hey, let's go now!"14
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"Okay!" We all chimed.16
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We got into Ashley's shiny, gray SUV. The restaurant we are going to is called Olive Garden. It is an Italian restaurant. When we got to Olive Garden, we got out of the car and headed for the door.18
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"Hi! I'm Kelly and I'll be your waitor, can I help you?"20
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"We will have the pasta, breadstick, and salad combo, please!"22
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"Okay, I'll be right back."24
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As the waitor walked away a very suspicious man walked in. 26
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"I'm lookin' for Lisa Smith."28
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"Hi, I'm Lisa Smith." I cried wishing I'd stayed home.30
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With one shot of his gun I died, on the floor of the restaurant.32
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My last words were, "He wasn't there the night I died."34
A contest entry
- Steamy Bruises. by Noisome..
175 points, ended May 25, 2008, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Very good story yet I would add more.I mean how come he chose lisa smith how come it was all so suddun i was left very confused.
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I don't really see how this fits in the contest. I'm sorry. You may want to go back and add more descriptions, too. I found this to be very light and airy, and I just don't see the whole plot here. It's a quick read, yes, but I really don't follow it.
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What an end, absolutely unexpected. Enjoyed reading it, but just few remarks:
3.a very suspicious man walked in... umm, that's too simple, try to describe him more, not saying directly he was suspicious
1. You said you would say home. You always do this, you say your gonna say - correct where it is say and where stay
2. use past everywhere, these sentences should be in the past too..The restaurant we are going to is called Olive Garden. It is an Italian restaurant. -
I take it this is one time that you should have listened to your husband. This is short, but prompt. How come he wanted to shoot her? This is a good short story, well done. Kais =)
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