“What chains?” I asked. “I feel pretty chainless, you know.”1
She sighed. “Of course you feel chainless, you won’t notice them until you realize they’re there! We all carry them, we’re all bound by them in one way or another. If they aren’t constricting us, they’re binding the ones around us, our friends, our family, our spouses.”2
-“I’ve been with you all day… I know you’re not high.”3
“Shut up.”4
-“.. Have you been watching Oprah?”5
“Shut up! Don’t act like you’re stupid, I know you’re not.”6
She looked cute when she tried to look mad.7
The sun was setting. It was mid-summer, the days were long. I lost track of time and tried to remember how long we’d been sitting there, talking, but couldn’t seem to succeed. We talked about life, the universe and everything. It was as if we were peeling a universal onion; first the most superficial layers, then slowly working our way towards the very core of our lives. A cool breeze of the type that only exists on warm mid-summer evenings smoothly caressed my face and played with her long hair.8
“I mean the chains of tradition and dogmas!” she said, managing to pleasantly break the comfortable silence. “We grow up with all these ideas and opinions pushed upon us without us having any freedom of decision! Don’t tell me you don’t see it!”9
I tried to think about it and somehow she noticed and gave me my time. I don’t know what it was about her; she understood me and knew me so well, in such a short period of time. After all, I had only met her the day before, but she instantly blew my mind and impacted my life in a way she would never know. She was an intellectual of the kind I’d never met before. She was so amazing and she looked so beautiful, especially in the orange-red sunrays.10
I finally responded after a few minutes, when I realized she was completely and utterly right; “Now that you mention it.”11
“… That’s it? I manifest an eye-opening lifesaver to you, and all I get is a simple 'Now that you mention it'? You could at least try to prove that you understand!” she responded bluntly.12
I couldn’t help but smile; it was the way she was. So direct and pure, so honest. I enjoyed talking to her so much.13
“Didn’t know I had to… after all, you know I’m not stupid, right?” I teasingly chuckled. 14
She smiled her beautiful smile, causing a hurricane of butterflies inside of me. Her blue eyes contrasted perfectly with her autumn-brown hair, the red glow on her ivory skin being the perfect finishing touch. A true piece of art she was.15
“Seriously though, you are right; I can’t believe I’ve never noticed it before. I have to say, however… I’m… I’m kind of surprised to hear this from you.”16
“Why?" she pouted. "Didn't you say I was a genius?” she then asked quite proudly.17
I hesitated for a split second, and then realized it was her I was talking to. One look in her eyes and all hesitation melted away, like a fresh layer of snow basking in the sun on a winter day.18
“Well, I know you’re pretty religious… and as far as I can imagine right now, most of these traditional chains are caused by religion. I mean, people blindly follow whatever their priest, rabbi or imam tells them or whatever their parents taught them when they grew up. I’ve had countless conversations with religious people of all backgrounds, they just refused to think about things, their arguments always being 'But my priest said…' or 'It’s just the way we do it'. I have to tell you, it was quite frustrating.”19
Silence. Under any other circumstances, it would have been uncomfortable, but not now, not with her. She sighed in what seemed to be a very acknowledging way.20
“You’re right.” Acknowledgement. “And if that’s your view on religion, please don’t call me religious again.” Again, that unique type of straight-forwardness; the type I’d never experienced before.21
I noticed the sun had set and the sky was turning darker. Stars lit up, as if the inhabitants of the sky turned on the lights of their homes as the streets around them darkened.22
“If it was our purpose in life to blindly follow and obey rules without understanding them, God wouldn’t have given us free will and the ability to research and understand, now would He? We’d be nothing different from animals.”23
“Animals?” I asked.24
“Think of it," she replied. "They live their lives following the rules of nature, always obeying them, never straying from them. I guess you can call it natural instincts. Nature’s always been in balance, you know... Until we started interfering.”25
A shooting star fell down the freshly darkened sky, and I wished this night would never end... I knew it was our last together. I loved to listen to the sound of her voice and I was happy she wasn’t finished talking yet.26
“However, life without religion isn’t much either. Look around you! Mankind has fallen back into the pattern of instincts; we live on sex, greed, anger. Hell, most ‘religious’ people aren’t any better! Such primitive desires, such an unworthy state, no more than mere beasts. It’s no wonder all scientists believe we actually are animals. But we are so much more, we’re capable of such amazing things! And I know that if anyone were to really research religion with a fresh mind and open eyes, they would find its message! We have to unchain ourselves of tradition, dogma, so that we won’t be held back any longer, so that we can see with our own eyes!”27
Before that day, I hadn’t lived. That night she opened my eyes. She unlocked my chains. She gave me life.28
We spent the rest of the night lying in the grass, looking at the stars. She answered every one of my questions, even the ones she didn’t know the answer to. She lay in my arms and for the first, but definitely not the last time in my life, I prayed to God. I prayed that I’d never have to let her go. I knew that was impossible; the separation of our lives was inevitable. She’d go her way and I’d go mine, and our lives would continue without each other. But I knew I’d see her again, some day. The song “Till then” by The Mills Brothers played in my head, as I held her during our last moments together.29
I loved this girl and I knew that I’d never stop loving her. And she loved me, God, how she loved me. We never said it, but everything about those two days radiated love. I connected with her like I had never connected with anyone else before, or after. Our lives intertwined so deeply that I knew they’d never be completely independent again. 30
That’s how I now know that my prayers of that night had been answered. I had never believed in soulmates, nor finding “the one”, but now I did, I had found mine. I loved her and I still do, I love her. 31
Even now, exactly 15 years after our roads parted. I have never forgotten her, and hopefully one day I will see her again... Be it in this life or the next.32
But till then, I’ll wait for her.33
=====34
o/`
Till then, my darling, please wait for me
Till then, no matter when it may be35
Our dreams will live, though we are apart
Our love will always stay in our hearts36
Till then, when I can hold you again
Please wait till then
o/`
Author notes
Though this is fiction, the girl's message is what I really believe and stand for in life. We're supposed to research things for ourselves, or only accept things that have been proven; be it by science or by logic. Blindly denying something is just as stupid as blindly following something. We need to use our brains.. God gave them to us for a reason.
-- Contest notes:
I wanted to write a story containing this message and I wanted to write a story about two people in love in a mystical type of way. A deeper, unknown connection between the two that can't really be explained with words. Though it may seem like a sad ending, I feel the narrator is at peace with it and he's actually very happy that he met her, even though he hasn't seen her since.
A contest entry
- "LOVE" by rinzu.
100 points, ended November 26, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Cheer Me Up! Sickeningly Sweet Romance Stories by Alice Cambridge.
210 points, ended November 19, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - First Times by twixzster.
270 points, ends December 2, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Sell Me Your Religion.....What's Your Take On It? by Marta.
100 points, ended November 20, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Untitled... by Mistress Cheetah.
230 points, ended November 21, 30 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything! by Lost Soul 12.
350 points, ends December 6, 56 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Subtle honesty please! Constructive criticism is the key! :)
Comments
1 - 88 of 88
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good story - be careful about the religion bit, people might get offended.
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oh, i really enjoyed reading that. it was such an interesting piece. I like how you portrayed the religious views with a sort of romance in there too. Honestly, I agree with you. I'm only 15 and it's hard arguing with parents like mine - they're religious but I'm a little more open-minded & i liked this alot because i could relate to it (not that I don't care about religion).
Though these characters don't know each other, I loved listening to their conversation - love can happen like that sometimes I guess. & I felt like I was listening to it, more than reading (not a criticism, more credits to your writing skills and imagery).
Not much to criticize here for me - not at all actually. The ending's sorta bittersweet but I like it. Really brilliant job!! Thanks for entering and good luck with all those contests up there
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I am not sure if I read this before or not...I do quite a lot of reading here.
This is well written and concise, the ideas flowed and never faltered and the whole story overall read smooth and elegant.
Good luck in my contest. Thank you for sharing your views on religion. Well done.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Thanks!
I dont know if you have already read this piece, but I checked for a comment and didnt find one. Im happy you liked it though!
G'luck with the contest
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This was beautifully written. I enjoied reading it. It was lovely, and told about your relious beliefs in a way that was kind, to the point, and even, may I say, enjoyable. I would recommend this peice to anyone looking for a good read. Please keep up the great work and good luck in your contests.
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That was some story. I have to say, I really, really enjoyed reading it. It really made me think about thinks. And even though it was a little sad, it was so lovly, and so..I don't know how to put it..
Good job
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I am soprry but I was looking for ideas in my contest inspiration, not stories. You obviously misunderstood my instructions. Therefore I am DQing you.
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Sorry for the late response! I think I did misunderstand, my apologies! Hope the contest worked out for ya!
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I love the story!!! I like the message!! I'm not really religious but I did like the story! The ending is sad but it also fits in with the story!!! Thank you for entering and it is extremely interesting!!!!
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Very interesting. Long but interesting. Thanks for entering and best of luck in the contest!
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I love this story. It actually opend MY eyes.I love how it was a romance but not a romance in some way.
Thx for entering!
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Excellent story! Thank you for letting me read it. I am trying to get back on that religious stream, ya know? Helps a little. It made me smile!
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Hi there,
I don't know subtle
so yeah...I liked it though!
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Good job! This was a very nice story. Okay, at first I didn't get it, but then I did get it. I liked how she was I guess playing stupid with the person in the beginning. Good job good luck and thanks for entering!
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I really enjoyed this peice. The knowing each other and falling in love confused me. But that can happen. Otherwise, it was wonderful.
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really really good!!
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I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, from the very way you describe to the contest notes you wrote in your author notes. I also feel there is a certain...acceptance that the main character goes through in the end.
My favorite description is:
Stars lit up, as if the inhabitants of the sky turned on the lights of their homes as the streets around them darkened.
You have a unique way of describing!
My overall favorite part, though, is from paragraph 28 until the end. Wonderful. Wonderful job!!!
It is a positive ending, the acceptance of what one cannot control; of accepting love...be it in this life or the next. Great job and thank you tons for entering this in my contest.
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I really like how smoothly and naturally the dialogue flows here. I always enjoy reading stories that have excellent dialogue.
I would play a bit more with the dialogue and their reactions to it. Maybe try to tell us that he fell in love with her, without actually saying it. Like just how he looked at her, and what he thought about her,...maybe they could be passionately talking like they are here and then all the sudden they realize they've been alone for awhile and get kind of shy, but still decide to stay there talking...I don't know it's up to you.
It's great story though...very nicely done!
Good luck -
Subtle honesty is nothing I'm good at x.x When I have to say something, I just say it.
And thank YOU for "asking" me to read your works. This was fun to read, especially how the guy reacted to her... When one person touches our lives, a lifetime may not be enough to "erase" the memory of that - not that we want to erase it I got that from your piece, and it's funny, how you and "Milton" are bestfriends, and write somewhat similarly - but please don't think I'm implying you're clones of each other, which, I'm sure, you're not. Maybe you two are just fused together by this creativity, and craziness 
And as for the creativity, I loved the images in this. Your description, especially the butterflies in the stomach (very new way to say "I had butterflies in my stomach") and the hesitation melting like snow, those are two I just had to point out. Very strong visuals. For me, they strengthened what you wanted to say.
While I agree with some views and not with others, this IS a beautiful piece. THanks for sharing this with us
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i don't really like how they know eachother 2 days, and are already in love.
but, other than that it was good.
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Wow this was great, when I sat great I mean GREAT!!!!!!!!! It rocked mt world, good luck in my contest!
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The majority of this is a well-defined, unique piece you have written. I don't like he whole "known each other two days but already love each other" concept but, somehow, you made this work. Odd huh? I still think it subtracts from the plausible atmosphere you've created. But I love the characters. You've given them depth and passion that is rare in a story. Overall you have done wonderfully. Thank you for entering
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Cute, Innocent, Beautiful, Thoughtful, Refreshing, Powerful, Insightful. Those are words that came to me as I read this. As for constructive criticism, I don't think I could add to the comments already given. One thing I did notice however, is that there are some places where I would have given more careful consideration to word order and choice. While it may not affect the story as a whole, it could make the actual narrative flow more nicely. Aside from taht, nothing stood out terribly in a negative way.
`J -
Well done
You wrote it well and I could tell that you knew a lot about human nature. I could feel what the characters were feeling and you were very emphatic/empathetic/whatever. Haahahah.
It was very deep and you are a very talented storywriter. You did brilliantly.
Best of luck in the contest!
Chrissie
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Hi Ary,
Before reading the story I looked over the page, glanced down to the Notes and so on. I hope I will be able to add something new despite the number of responses this piece already has.
The first thing that snagged me was the dialogue sentence structure/punctuation - and I know this is more a proofreading issue than what a critique should deal with, but I decided I'll mention it briefly. There are run on sentences in nearly every piece of dialogue in the beginning. yes, dialogue allows one to break the rules; it's meant to convey how people speak, not how people write, but I felt that the rule-breaking in these lines was unnecessary. For example:
“Shut up! Don’t act like you’re stupid, I know you’re not.”
Here, instead of the comma, one could use a period or a semicolon, making the sentence grammatical and not detracting from the point or tone.
That side, I felt the beginning was well crafted to catch the reader's attention. Starting with dialogue and with such an ambiguous and interesting idea - not necessarily a new one, but still makes me wonder where you'll take it - works like a hook.
As the setting description developed, I was snagged again, this time but the way that the setting was described. Generally, "was" and "were" lead to passive descriptive sentences, as well as make the imagery seem like a summary. For example, taking 8, you can see how when the cool breeze caressed the face, it was a more vivid image than It was mid-summer, though both have their purposes. Perhaps there could be a way to make the setting active? For example:
"The mid-summer sun crawled to the end of a long day. I lost track of time; I couldn’t remember how long we sat there, talking. We peeled a universal onion with our words, first the superficial layers, then worked our way to the core of our lives. A cool breeze caressed my face and played with her long hair."
This is a shorter version of your paragraph, but in it I removed every repetition and every word that I felt wasn't directly moving the story along (ie, no need to repeat that it's a mid-summer evening, and if it caresses a face, it's likely doing it in a smooth way because that's what a caress is).
I also am leery of adverbs in general. All too often they can be replaced by context, stronger verbs or are simply unnecessary.
Also, about the descriptions, abstract words often make for weak images and make it difficult for the reader to imagine and relate to the story. In the line "She was so amazing and she looked so beautiful, especially in the orange-red sunrays." the narrator states that the girl's amazing and beautiful, but that's a conclusion the narrator drew from her appearance. The reader has to take his word for it. Same for lines like "She smiled her beautiful smile".
But I don't wish to take someone else's word for this. I wish to be able to imagine her and think "Oh my, she's amazing and beautiful!" without the story ever informing me that this is what I should think. Of course, I can imagine up a beautiful and amazing girl of my own and even pain in the unsaid details, but wouldn't that just defeat the purpose of the story if I am expected to imagine it up myself?
Perhaps there could be more concrete, snapshot descriptions, focusing on the small details to give the impression of "beauty"?
In 13, I'm not certain if the repetition serves any purpose. The narrator has already explained that he enjoys talking to her. I'd cut "I enjoyed talking to her so much." from the text and comb through the rest looking for instances where the already-stated is reiterated needlessly. Unless the repetition is done deliberately and with a goal in mind. After all, there are no rules in art, just reasons.
I reread the story again, this time focusing on content. I wondered what he saw in her. The line in 21 "And if that’s your view on religion, please don’t call me religious again." made me wince. It reads like such a sharp rebuke; I think I might have been instantly thrown on the defensive after this, and yet he doesn't mind. Perhaps their relationship could be developed more to show why such a harsh sounding line is taken as friendly? Or is he just a pushover
Mmm, I wasn't certain about how effective the shooting star was in helping the scene. I was already a little skeptical as she waxes philosophy, and then the melodrama of a shooting star hits me in the face. I almost feel as if the character and story are driven by one goal to the exclusion of all else; to express the author's point of view/philosophy. I have nothing against persuasive story-telling and inbedded messages in a tale, but I also feel that the story and characters should have some life of their own. Otherwise, the characters are flat, and the story bare. Does this make sense?
Vonnegut said in a small piece up on story-writing that every character should want something, even if it is just a glass of water. Here the characters are content to simply sit there. This isn't necessarily bad, but the lack of action creates a static feel to them, making them bland. Perhaps at least the narrator should be searching for something, and find it through her. (I had almost hoped that the butterflies he felt were some attraction to her, though that was never developed).
So yes, the lack of motivation in the conversation nonplussed me. Now, overall, I felt this was a solid write and a solid semi-philosophical narration on life and chains. The inclusion of the title was very well done.
The title also had delicious irony tied into it. After all, she urges him to break free of his chains or at least see them and move regardless of how they try to hold him. Yet, at the end, fifteen years after they parted, he is still chained by the memory of her.
I hope my thoughts are some helpful. Good luck writing (and revising if you so choose)!
Kind regards,
Solidarity
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I've read this countless times...and it never fails to make me smile. Subtle honesty: It was nice. Blunt honesty: I love it! It's a sweet piece that makes you think, without being too long. I enjoyed reading it...thanks for posting it in my contest, it made my day (reading it again)!
Best of luck-
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I thought the beginning was very funny and the entire story was pretty cute. It's also appropriately named. Nice job.
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i love this story! it is so cute, but its so sad that they had to go their seperate ways. im glad you didnt make a big scene of goodbyes or i am sure i would have cried. lol. i loved it. it was soooo good! and you know, it really has me thinking about that whole chains things and stuff... very good!
beginning: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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watch being repetitive. at times it may seem like it's necessary when, in fact, it's not...
for example:
I lost track of time and I tried to remember how long we’d been sitting there, talking, but I couldn’t seem to succeed.
you have "I" 3 times in that sentence... by removing the second one it sounds less ... monotone and more real.
when I realized she was completely and utterly right.
needs a comma after right as speech is referred to in that sentence.
causing a hurricane of butterflies inside of me.
'of' isn't needed here
and then realized that it was her
'that' isn't necessary
Nature’s always been in balance, you know, until we started interfering.”25
should have a fullstop after balance
A shooting star fell down the freshly darkened sky
need a comma after sky since the subject changes from 'star' to 'I'
"and' or 'but' shouldn't start sentences unless they're in dialogue. it lessens the impact of what you're trying to say.
This is very well expressed and thought provoking. you build the characters well and keep the reader not only focused on the story but the message within it. That's a good talent to have. i have to admit, in the beginning I felt like I'd come in during the middle of something and feel like i was missing ... something. I'm not sure what. Otherwise it was a good read. keep up the good work
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I know this is a very late response, but thank you very much for your comment! I've implemented some of the things that I agree with They were very useful tips!
Appreciate the compliments too, thank you!
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i like the message the you are getting across, and i agree!
this could be so much better with a lot more imagery and description! and maybe some background on how they met or why.
its a very sweet romance.
thanks for entering and good luck!! -
This is a very well written story... It touches important subjects, it entertains, and it evokes emotions, very well done! I agree with you and the girl in your story, and I like the way you portray her (and your own) beliefs. I like this a lot, and I'm a sucker for lost love-stories, but I love the hint of hope in the end =) But the story does raise one major question in my mind... Why did she have to go away?
Well done here, very well written, great work =D
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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A nice romance.
It needs to capture the readers attention and hold it a little more but apart from that; a good story!
This seems to revolve around the message, but maybe weave a little past and history into there, what do you reckon?
Thanks for entering and good luck! -
Wow. I loved the details you put in this. It took me inside the story. Wowo, your good. It had humor two. It was so nice. Touching romance. Hehe, good job. Keep writing! Hehe, mew!
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Wow. That was astounding. I loved it. It was so sweet. I liked how the it ended. Somewhat sad but still very hopeful and sweet!
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This was beautiful and so sweet. I really, really liked this. God, only a day in and I'm already having trouble judging this thing. I'm getting so many amazing entries. This is just a fine example of an amazingly gorgeous entry I've gotten so far. Good job!
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OMG! This is so amazing!!!! I loved the beautiful detail, it was like I was right there talking in on the conversation and watching the stars. This is a really romantic story and I loved it! Amazing job and thanks so much for entering my contest!
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I really like how you decided to portray your views on science and tradition! The words and imagery you used were very effective and I almost felt like I was there, listening in on the conversation. It was just so personal that I began to wonder if this had really happened to you until I read your author's note haha!
I loved it that you chose to have the setting as under the stars, it created such a feel of peacefulness and openness.
Your story really made me think about some things that are happening right here, right now, and I appreciated that!
Good job on your story! And thanks for entering my contest!
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ZOMG! I absolutely loved this! Absolutely great! It was overall a great story! Just...you wowed me! Super great story. I know I sound really repetitive and all, but I don't really know what else to say!
Good luck in the contest! -
Well, your story had a lota cuteness in it. The conversation and everything was really really insightful as well. I'm just confused as to what happened? WHy did she have to go?
Spelling and grammer seemed pretty fair. And I really like what you've written here.
Good luck in the contest. ^^
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Aww!! The love in this is evident and so sweet!! I like how well you blended the emotional and philosophical parts of this story so well!
Coming from an atheist like me, that praise is pretty good. Grammar, spelling, both was fine.
But OHMYGOSH I just really like this piece, how the girl is intelligent and quick-witted and I don't have any criticism.... Great job and good luck in the contest!!
<3
Maureen
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So wonderful. Simply fantastic! keep it up! Good topic
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that story was amzing! it was deep yet lighthearted. It talked about love and yet about religious belief's. All in all you tied in alot of different concepts into one story and i think you made it work really well! Good job !
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Kudos for the beginning, it was really effective in introducing the whole situation really easily. You also did a good job painting a portrait of the girl not from an omniscient perspective, but from a character's perspective.
All I can say negatively was that it felt a little...disjointed. There were messages, and story, but they kind of clashed with each other for the spotlight a bit.
A good write though, thanks for entering!
Style: 8/10
Flow: 8/10
Uniqueness: 4/5
Readability: 6/7
Effect: 8/10
Lack of Errors: 3/3
Personal Score: 3/5
Total: 40/50 -
This is definitely a lot to take in. It's very deep, but sort of portrayed in a light way. The characters make the depth of their subject seem a lot easier to follow, and I really enjoyed the imagery. I'm a sucker for romance and characters, so this is definitely great. Though you don't detail your characters too much, you can really see where they're coming from and their messages reflect them. I enjoyed this a lot. It was very sweet and deep. A good combination, and your balance is excellent.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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your story has made a great travel through my heart and i must see you in the perfect mountians of alaska
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Wonderful
Just absolutely wonderful. Your words flowed without flaw and the beginning actually drew me in, because I wanted to see what they were talking about. I love how you managed to describe te girl as a piece of art, and when you said it, I actually saw a portrait of a beautiful girl, looking out at her observer with a bright smile on her face. Stunning.
Also, the message was clear, in my eyes. You were simply stating a fact, were you not? A fact that some people tend to shy away from, like it's going to physically hurt them if they think about it. The fact of life. Pretty brave of you.
That's really all I have to say. I absolutely loved it, and keep up the great work!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Excellent desciptive language. Most of your visual descriptions were both original and inspired - from your physical descriptions of the girl to the beauty of the night sky. Your dialogue evoked emotion sufficiently, and portrayed the process your character went through from disbelief to acceptance.
Thank you for your entry and good luck!
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Wow. This was good. It really… I don’t know… spoke to me I guess…I can totally see where you’re coming from about the religion thing. From both angles. I know too many religious people who do everything because they’re told to. I also know religious people who try to do things that they chose to do. They chose to believe, and they chose to live their life that way.
I like it.
~kit.
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Wow, this sounds a lot like the Alpha meeting I was at last night. I love it, it is no wonder that it won the contest. Well done.
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Already commented on this. You win gold in my other contest. Thank you for entering
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Why hasn't this gotten more trophies, I demand to know!
This was good, I like the gentle humour and the lesson behind the story.
Well Written!
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What a fascinating convers ! Your opinion is rather unusual, but makes total sense. You blended that idea in very well to the story. Not really lovedovey, but the end was kind of sad. I love your metaphors. Great job, and good luck!
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Thank you very much for your comment! Good to hear that some people agree with my opinion xD
Glad you liked the metaphors! And really, the ending isn't all that sad! I feel the narrator really is at peace with it, knowing he will one day see her again and just live the life she gave him until then!
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This is a really sweet story, kind of mixing up life, philosophy, and love. I like it a lot =) It fits the line quite nicely. Oh, and since you're curious, the line is from a song by Secret and Whisper, Lovers. Haha fitting title too.
I have two suggestions:
Have the girl say a line before just jumping straight into the story. Its a kind of abrupt starting, it might be better to have her say something like "We're covered in chains."
Also, one thing that might make the story a little easier to read. You have a bigger space between paragraphes than between seperate dialogue, I suggest making it even. I dont know about others, but its a bit easier for me to read it like that.
Thank you for the wonderful entry =) -
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Thank you for your comment, I am happy you liked it! The song-name is very fitting, can't be a coincidence xD
I personally like it when a story is confusing and unclear at the beginning and it all becomes clear as the story goes... The movies Memento or The Usual Suspects are great examples, though comparing my story to those ingenious movies is a complete insult to them! But I hope you get the point xD
And in all honesty I don't quite understand what you mean with your second suggestion? Do you mean to put a space between every line of dialogue?
Thank you for your comment and your contest!
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You know i love it. Well done.....again
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Wow!
I am stunned! This was so amazingly written. Your dialogue is beautiful and perfect and there are no mistakes. I think the message you conveyed it very good as well as true and I definitely agree with it. The end is stunning and it leaves you wanting more. I know I'm supposed to give constructive comments, but right now I'm still stunned by the story to find anything wrong with it. Well done, keep this up and you'll go far!!
Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest.
Nixers -
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Haha wow! Thank you so much! Don't really know what to say... haha pretty ironic, your being stunned left me stunned! xD
Again, thank you very much, I'm very happy you liked it and most important of all.. that you agree with the message!
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Sorry for length....
........hey...you asked for it...haha -
Hey Ary!
Let me start by saying that any suggestions I might make are just that. Suggestions. You don’t have to take them and I don’t want you to take offense either. I don’t mean it that way at all. “Chains” was a very good read for me.
Para One: It’s confusing. Would make more sense if you would clarify who is speaking. The way you have it structured makes me wonder.
Para Five: In the first sentence, you don’t need the word ‘that’. Second sentence needs to be broken into two where you have the ‘;’. The ‘;’ there just confused because of the switch in concept.
Para Six: Dialogue is confusing the way you have it broken. Are you speaking throughout or is she?
Para Eight: Break into a new paragraph after ‘…chuckled.’
Para Nine: Remove the ‘-‘ : …I’m-…
Para Ten: ‘and’ in the first sentence should be ‘but’ for better flow. No comma would be needed if you made the change.
Para Eleven: Who’s speaking? Remove ‘;’ and break into new sentence: …backgrounds; they…’.
Para Fourteen: ‘lighted’ should be ‘lit’? I wasn’t sure of this one.
Para Fifteen: Identify who is speaking throughout. Without it, it’s confusing.
Para Sixteen: Remove ‘;’ : ‘…end; I…’ and break into two sentences.
Para Seventeen: Who’s speaking? Remove ‘;’ from these two: ‘…instincts; we…’ & ‘…move; we’re…’. Break them into four new sentences.
Para Eighteen: Would be more powerful if you broke into three sentences here. “That night she opened my eyes. She unlocked my chains. She gave me life.”
Para Nineteen: Sentence two: You need comma after ‘…life’.
Para Twenty: First sentence: No comma needed after ‘…girl’. Sentence Five: Break into paragraphs here: …independent again. New para: ‘That’s how…’ New para: ‘I never thought…’ New para: ‘I love…’ New para: ‘Even now,…’.
Last sentence: Use period after period after ‘…again’ and start new sentence ‘…be’.
Two questions flitted through me as I read. One: Why do they part? And Two: Who is she?...a friend?
I hope you take some of my suggestions, but I understand considerably if you don’t. I loved the story and wish you all the best! ~D
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Thank you so much! I actually liked a lot of your suggestions and implemented them
About the conversations... when I use the dashes (such as the first paragraph) it means the dialogue is switching from one person to the other. I try not to use it when de dialogue goes on for too long, but in this case it didn't seem confusing to me... though throughout the story, the girl gives the answers and the message, and the narrator asks and is amazed.
And to asnwer your questions: Why do they part? In all honesty, that's up to you. Same with who she is.. a friend? A lover? A soul-mate? I don't know... the narrator met her the day before and this was their last night together... so it all depends on your definition of friend! Can someone that you've known for only 2 days be your closest friend? I guess it's all part of the setting! Even if you don't like or accept the message... I want to challenge people to think about what they think (get it? xD)
My own image when writing this story was they met eachother while they were on vacation, but they only met one day before they were leaving. But what you make of it is completely up to you!
Thanks again for your help!
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THis was a good read...though sometimes confusing. Sometimes you use a comma when it should be semi-colon and you should break a few more paragraphs. All together, you had wonderful descriptions and i enjoyed it much. Well done!!
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Thank you Durian! If you have time, could you perhaps message me some of my errors? That way I can correct them and learn from my mistakes!!
Glad you enjoyed it!
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Mmm.. don't know what to say. I liked this piece, but it didn't fully catch my attention. Perhaps if it were a little less cheesy?
Good luck in the contest>
xoxo julia -
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Haha, sorry, I'm just a cheesy romantic type of guy xD Appreciate the honesty though! Thanks!
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well... it wasnt really that intriguing. it was something that i didn't really understand. i mean, i understood the passion between the two people, and i understood parts of their conversation, but it wasnt really sparking nething, you know wht i mean?
well anwyays, good luck in your contests! -
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I'm sorry you didn't get the 'deeper' message, but I appreciate your honesty! Maybe future stories will appeal to you more
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this was a little cheesy to me. I felt like you just wanted to write a pseudo-intellectual love story. I mean I understand that you were trying to maybe convey what you believe but I felt like this had a very pseudo-intellectual vibe to it, no offense.
I also didn't like the title, but that's minor. I did like the end however, it fit very well.
thanks for entering.
-gibson -
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I very much appreciate your honesty, thank you for that! I'm sorry you didn't like my writing style, but at least you were honest!
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but little boys are so enticing...
lolz...awww thanx i'm glad u remembered!!!! lolz
as for your story...you had my attention from the get-go and I love stories like that...b/c i've got like a lil bit of ADD (i guess) and if it doesn't get my attention the first time...it's not going to get it at all...and you did and you KEPT IT!!! wonderful!!!! thanks for entering my contest!!! -
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I am glad you liked it, thank you!
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well done nice descriptions and well written i liked it it kept me reading well done and good luck
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Thank you!
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SMILE
you know i love this.. nuff said... -
awsome!
i'm not a religious person, but now, you've opened my eyes. not all the way, but you've opened them. this is a wonderful, romantic story that involves a couple in the perfect romantic setting. just talking to one another, they have so many roads ahead of them. that night even opened his eyes to live life. now, i'm going to live my life to the fullest as well.
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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Wow! Really, that's the biggest compliment one could give... Thank you so much! I'm very happy you enjoyed it, and I really don't know what to say!
I didn't come up with the message myself.. you can check my author page for my main source of inspiration!
Again, thank you!
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This is really good...the beginning grabbed me and made me think...awesome job!
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Thank you!
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Very nice story. I like it. I'm semi-religous myself, so this is in a way familiar and in a way not-so-much. Still, yo udid well with it. I didn't find any spelling or grammatical errors, but I might suggests fixing your line spacing. It seems to be oddly designed.
Anyway, thanks for entering the contest. Good luck!
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Thanks for your comment!
Could you please explain what you mean with fixing the linespacing? I understand what it means, but where do you find it wrong?
I've never been good at making paragraphs etc. xD
I just chop up the story in parts that I think belong together.
So could you please explain?
Thanks!
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Whoa this was captivating really..
Such a skilfully written story immersed in all the right amount of detail, emotion, imagery, scenery
oh god the whole thing was great..
Good luck with the contest
you might not need it hehe
Thanks for entering
Blair!
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Great Great Great!
"And I know that if anyone were to really research religion with a fresh mind and open eyes, they would find its message! We have to unchain ourselves of tradition, dogma, so that we won’t be held back any longer, so that we can see with our own eyes!!”17
I think i loved this part the most because it expresses a truth in a great way. Like you also said, if God wanted us to blindly follow orders and have no choice in life, he would have made us follow him with out choice, but then that would have also been without love. He desires our love and friendship, which i htink is one of tradition chains you talked about. Most people go religion, bla bla bla, rules rules rules. Do this, say this. No! It is about loving God and having a relationship with him and spreading that love all over the world!
Thanks for this great piece of work! Power to you and God bless you!
-bri
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Very nice! I enjoyed the way the piece combined description and story with a real life message. It's a piece that's relatable and can touch nearly anyone who reads it. Very nicely done.
I'm glad I had a chance to read this; thank you for sharing!
Good luck in the contest!
PS. I just saw that you are not against constructive criticism. Here are a few thoughts: When setting up setting, or really anywhere in writing, avoid the use of words like "was"
"The sun was setting. It was mid-summer, the days were long."
You can make the images more vivid by using active verbs. An example from the top of my head:
"The sun crept to the horizon. The midsummer days lasted long."
The action in more direct now, or at least that's how it seems to me. But I'd be one of the first people to say this is just a subjective opinion!
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Thank you very much for your tips! I agree with what you say, but I never thought of it that way myself.
I don't feel like re-writing this now, it feels right to me the way it is, but I will *definitely* try to work with it in future stories. What I really want to do when writing a story is try to make it as vivid and 'real' as possible, so that the story sucks you up and doesn't spit you back out until the very end. This will definitely help, mwahaha *evil*. xD
Thank you very much Nocturne!
ps. constructive criticism is the key to getting better!
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This shit is da bomb, yo.
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I liked it. Very well woven. Dialogue is well done and the topic very well discussed. And it was not boring which it might have been considering the topic the main characters discuss. I mean not many would really enjoy reading such stuff.
I just got a problem with this sentence - “Why? I thought you said you thought I was a genius?” thought is used 2 times and it does not like good, maybe you should change it to something else..
And you know the story made such a melancholic impression in the end, but I liked it. -
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Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review! I'm happy you enjoyed it!
I agree with you on that sentence. I wasn't sure if I should leave it like that, I thought it might be some nice wordplay, but I wasn't sure. I'll try to think of something proper to replace it with!
Again, thank you!
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