Footprints of the heart

The air was filled with the sweet smell of chocolate syrup and treacle as Jules rested against the glass counter waiting for a waffle. It was her daily treat now or so she liked to let herself believe. Really it was her craving and it was a craving that she couldn't beat, so with only 11 weeks of her pregnancy left she had decided what the heck, she'd lose the weight once the baby was born.1

She paid for her waffle which was covered with warm melting chocolate fudge sauce and ran her tongue along the edge of it "mmmm" she thought to herself "heaven on a plate". She lifted up her arm and quickly checked the time. It would take her one hour to drive to the airport and she could hardly contain her excitement.2

In a few hours time her husband Mark would be home again, he had spent the last 6 months in Iraq serving his country. When he had left, Jules had no evidence of pregnancy other than her tiredness and morning sickness. "When he sees me now he is going to die of shock" she thought to herself as she proudly rubbed her hand over her prominent bump. It had been a struggle for her getting through the last 6 months alone, but family had been such a support to her, coming to antenatal classes and being a shoulder to cry on when things all got too much. Thankfully the pregnancy had been easy, it was the first baby for both of them and now they had both enjoyed part of their careers and were both approaching their 30th birthdays it had seemed like there would be no better time in the world to create a new life and enter the world of sleepless nights! Even though Mark hadn't been there to watch her bump grow, she had posted him pictures of all the ultrasound scans she had had. Every time they spoke she would excitedly tell her husband of any new developments, the first kick, the first time she felt the baby moving inside her. She could hear his sadness but Jules had a way of making him laugh that always kept him going. He couldn't wait to get back home and be with his wife again and Jules couldn't wait either.3

It was such a nice morning with the sun starting to come out, a gentle breeze in the air which Jules welcomed. The morning was so peaceful in the park with the only sounds being the birds singing in the trees and the occasional sound of joggers running past her. The trees blew gently in the breeze, the leaves softly rustling and the sky began to fill with more beautiful blue. She imagined what it would be like when the new baby was here as her and Mark would stroll round this very same park with their pushchair, how happily they would gaze through tired eyes at their perfect bundle. She had been like this through the entire pregnancy, daydreaming about the perfect nursery, the perfect pushchair, the perfect name. She was so desperate for it to all become a reality. As a siren wailed in this distance Jules snapped back to reality and realised time was passing by fast, she had to get back to the car now and head for the airport. It was time to see her husband again!4

The traffic had been good all the way there and now Jules turned in to the military airfield. She pulled a small mirror from her bag and checked her appearance, her eyes sparkled back at her and with a quick coat of lip-gloss she left the car to go over and stand with the other nervous wives and girlfriends. 5

Just twenty minutes later she heard her phone ring. It was Mark. "I'm here!" he shouted down the line "Meet me at Area D". Jules looked around for Area D and saw the letters in bold red paint and ran right into the middle of the crowd of people who were all cuddling and kissing their loved ones. She looked around desperately trying to find her husband when an arm wrapped itself around her shoulder, "I've missed you so much baby" the familiar voice whispered in her ear, her eyes welled up as they pressed their lips together so hard, with fear of ever being separated again. For five long minutes Jules kept her lips against her husbands, the kiss relaxing and softly lingering as the minutes passed. She broke away from him and guided his eyes down to her bump. She studied his face carefully as he looked down, looking for any changes in the man who left 6 months ago. She watched his eyes glisten as tears formed inside them, "Hey little buddy" he said, his emotions written all over his face as he softly stroked his hand over his unborn child, "Daddy's home".6

They had an amazing couple of quiet days together, relishing each other's company. Now it was Saturday and a huge welcome home party had been arranged by all his family and friends. Jules felt like all her dreams were coming true. She was in the bedroom using her heated tongs on her hair, making soft curls flow down her back. She wasn't feeling so good today but it was a special day for Mark so she convinced herself she would be better as soon as she got out into the fresh air. 7

As they arrived at the hotel where the party was taking place Jules was becoming more and more aware of a strange sensation in her stomach. It wasn't causing her any pain but it didn't feel right either. Mark was throwing his arms around his friends and family, his mother in tears of joy that her son was home safely. As the next hour or so passed Jules really tried to stop thinking about this strange feeling inside her. Maybe it was just the baby moving itself around getting comfortable she decided. Soon the party was in full swing, the music was playing and people dancing, others outside in the courtyard area enjoying the breeze. She stood up to go and find her husband when out of nowhere a sharp pain shot across her back, making her gasp for air. Where was her husband? She knew this wasn't right. She had to get to the hospital and see what was going on.8

As they drove in silence to the hospital it was clear that they were both worried. Despite Jules saying she just wanted to get checked over and put her mind at rest, Mark could tell from her silence that she was scared. She hadn't felt anymore pains but still had that uncomfortable heavy feeling across her abdomen. It was just a local hospital they were going to, not one equipped to deal with any kind of large emergency, but big enough to have a small casualty department and a small maternity wing. As they pushed the glass doors open and walked towards maternity Jules began to feel worse. She could feel her heart beating faster in her chest as she began to fear something could be really wrong. She had never been pregnant before and didn't know if this was normal or not. Maybe it was just one of these pretend contractions she had been reading about, the ones to prepare you for the real thing. But she still had over 10 weeks to go yet, she had heard of other babies being born at this stage and being OK, but still, it was too soon. 9

The nurse who met with them was definitely an old fashioned sort, she was certainly one who would have her checked over but not one to give tea and sympathy. Jules explained the strange sensations and sudden pain she had felt. The nurse decided there and then she must have a water infection and gave Jules a silver foil cup to provide a sample in. As Jules stepped into the the small toilet area her heart felt like it would beat right out of her chest as she looked down. Blood. Everywhere. And it was coming from her. 10

THUMP.... THUMP... THUMP her heart pounded in her chest.11

The next few minutes passed as a blur as Jules screamed and shook uncontrollably. 12

"Please help me nurse, please help my baby, there's something wrong with my baby"13

The nurse managed to calm her down and assure her it was a sign of infection. She would get Jules some antibiotics and have a doctor check her over. She would be fine. She would call in a midwife and have the heartbeat listened to. That would show Jules everything was OK. The colour had drained from Mark's face as he stood there feeling helpless, holding his wife's hand. He knew Jules was not one to panic unnecessarily, but the nurse was a professional so surely she would know. All they could do now was wait on the doctor and midwife arriving. Jules tried so hard to believe the nurse knew best, she couldn't shift the deep feeling of fear inside her, but for her baby's sake she knew she had to try and calm herself down.14

When the midwife finally arrived she asked Jules to lift her top as she rubbed the cold jelly onto her stomach. She took the Doppler to listen to the baby's heartbeat. Within seconds the room was filled with that beautiful thumping sound, like horse hoofs galloping b'boom b'boom b'boom. Jules let out a sigh of relief as Mark squeezed her hand. Her baby was OK. It was all OK.15

She told the midwife her concerns about the bleeding and the midwife asked to take a look. "Jules, i think it would be best if we transferred you to the main hospital, just for observation, that is quite a lot of blood you're passing". Suddenly another pain took Jules breath away as it ripped across her stomach. Mark looked at her screwed up face and knew in his heart that something wasn't right.16

From there everything happened so suddenly there was a mass of panic happening all around her as Mark quickly drove home to get her maternity notes and an overnight bag. Jules sat with the midwife waiting on the ambulance to come for her. Every few minutes  pain ripped through her. She was so scared and couldn't stop herself crying. She had never been in labour before, was this labour now? She vowed for Mark to hurry up and return. The pain was getting worse now. It would all be OK wouldn't it? 17

30 minutes later she was on a stretcher in the ambulance, Mark back by her side, the midwife there with her, paramedics attaching machines to her. She was given gas and air to help the pain but by now the pain was so bad that she could have believed this was the end for her. She became convinced she was dying. As she heard the sirens blaring the gas and air was making her delusional. She closed her eyes and suddenly heard the machine let out one long bleep. A minute passed, maybe two. Why was no one doing anything? She had heard this on TV programmes before, this bleep meant she was dead. Why was no one trying to save her? As her baby gave her a sharp kick she suddenly opened her eyes and came back to reality again. The paramedic was re-attaching the monitor to her finger. She wasn't dead it had just fallen off.18

Before she knew it they were at the main hospital. Midwives flocked around her and doctors examined her. She was rushed for a scan and the room was full of people, talking about taking her for immediate surgery, something about the placenta rupturing she heard, she tried to focus on Mark but the pain was constant now. She couldn't catch her breath. With each moment that passed pain tore through her like a knife, such sharp pain she didn't understand why her body had not passed out with the shock yet. The midwives were getting louder and louder telling her to focus, telling her to calm down, to try and lie still. She didn't even realise she was throwing herself all over the bed as she battled to deal with the pain. She could hear someone screaming, then groaning, but didn't realise that was in-fact herself. "Jules. Jules. JULES!" She could hear Mark shouting at her "You have to calm down, please babe, please. The doctor needs you to listen" But the pain was too intense. All of a sudden she saw the midwife jump backwards as a huge gush of water sprayed everywhere, and like magic the pain almost instantly stopped. 19

As Jules managed to calm down the doctor started to perform the scan. The pain had gone now. She had heard her baby's heartbeat in the ambulance. She could focus again. She relaxed. Everything was OK. She had been given an injection of morphine and could deal with everything much better now. But the doctor's face was emotionless, blank. Then sad. 20

"I'm so very sorry. I can't detect any heartbeat." 21

No this couldn't be happening. It couldn't be true. He must be wrong. She heard the heartbeat only an hour ago. She turned to look at Mark who was silently sobbing, she became aware of hot salty tears rolling down her own face. She was paralysed with the shock. No words would come out her mouth. She wanted to scream, to beg the doctor to tell her it wasn't true, but she could tell from his face he was telling her the truth. She rubbed at her stomach willing her baby to prove them wrong, waiting to feel another kick. But it was no use, the doctor was right. Her baby had died. 22

As the next couple of hours passed Jules lay on the bed sobbing uncontrollably, Mark holding her hand tightly. They were silent apart from the sound of their tears. They didn't want to talk about what was coming next, but the doctor had explained it to them. They would wait on labour to start again and she would deliver her baby. Minutes turned to hours and Jules no longer let out any groans as the searing pain tore through her. Her mind could not come to terms with what was happening. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Mark was supposed to come home and they were going to get the zoo animal wallpaper for the nursery next week. They had bought the pushchair and the cradle already. It was all at home waiting on them to arrive back with their little bundle.23

Finally, seven long hours since she had first arrived at the hospital, Jules was pushing her forever-sleeping daughter into the world. She listened for her baby's cry but there was none. She took her tiny baby's fingers into her hand and waited for her to grip her mummy's hand. As her baby lay there in a tiny moses basket on the bed in front of her, Jules suddenly felt herself breaking into a thousand pieces as she let out a loud howling scream.24

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NOOOOOOOOO. NOOOOO"25

Her baby was perfect. She had ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. She had a tiny button nose just like Jules and the exact same ears as her Daddy. Mark. Where was Mark? Jules looked up to see her husband, curled into the chair, hands covering his face. Her strong husband who put his life on the line to serve his country was a broken man. He could hardly bear to look up at his precious daughter, his beautiful wife, he felt so helpless. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. He had spent every night in Iraq looking at the photos Jules had sent him. He had spent everyday with one goal in his mind: to keep himself safe and get home to become a father. And now that time had come, he was meeting his beautiful little girl and would never hear say "Dada", what he always secretly dreamed would be her first word; he would never see her take her first steps, he would never be able to go for the walks round the park that Jules always spoke about and show her the ducks. He walked over to Jules and pulled her close to him, lifting their tiny daughter and placing her between himself and his wife as they clung to each other in utter devastation.26

That day passed so quickly yet felt like the longest day in the world. All day they spent cuddling their tiny little girl who was now called Honey. The midwife brought them a tiny white knitted outfit from the premature baby ward and they were now in a private room where the three of them could be alone. They took photographs of their little family. They cried. They slept. The 3 of them cuddled up on the bed. The hospital priest came to bless little Honey. The family arrived one by one and no one knew what to say. Everyone said how beautiful she was. When the time came to go, Jules and Mark didn't know how they could leave their baby girl in there alone, but they had no choice. They left the hospital after giving her one last kiss. As they made their way down in the elevator Jules felt her heart being ripped out as another couple stood happily with their newborn baby in its carrycot. It was so unfair. Jules wanted to scream at them for being so lucky. What had she done to deserve this? Jules had done everything right during her pregnancy. This was supposed to be the happiest time of their lives, why was this happening to them? Why was the only thing she was taking away from the hospital pain and sadness? Why would she only be able to fill a memory box? Why had she never seen her tiny girl take a breath?27

When they got back to their apartment everything was as they had left it 2 days ago. The first thing Jules saw was her pile of books in the corner, her pregnancy book, the book of names still waiting for ther perfect name to be found. The cradle was ready for her baby sitting at the foot of their bed. Without saying a word Mark followed his wife's eyes and immediately lifted the cradle out of the room. He knew she wanted all the reminders gone and spent the next few hours finding everything round the apartment related to the baby and put it all away up in the attic. Finally he lay on the sofa and cried in a way he hadn't since he was a child, a way he didn't even know he still could, all the strength he had tried to find for Jules was now flooding out of him, every tear he cried trying to wash away his pain. 28

The time had come one week later for Honey's funeral. Jules broke down as she watched Mark carry the tiny white coffin into the room. There were pink and yellow flowers spelling out 'Honey' which were laid on top of her tiny white box. Eva Cassidy's 'Songbird' played gently in the background. Jules didn't even hear the words the priest read out, all she could hear were the sounds of muffled tears. She was sure everything he said was beautiful. She looked down at all the cards to her Honey and began to read a beautiful poem.29

'I watch my mum lay awake at night,
And go to hold her hand,
She doesn't know I'm with her,
To help her understand.
As i watch over my surviving mum,
Through Heavens open door
I try to tell her that angels
Will protect me forevermore.
Mummy we all have a special place
Deep down in our hearts,
You can hold me there forever,
So we will never be apart.
We never stop to measure,
Anything we might miss,
But if the wind should blow by softly,
You'll feel your angels kiss.'30

They did not know how they would move on from this or if they ever would. Jules was kept awake every night listening for her baby's cry. Some nights she woke suddenly, sitting bolt upright ready to pick up Honey and comfort her with the painful realization that her baby was only in her dreams now. It hurt her so badly to see other mums with their babies. One day in the not so distant future, Jules and Mark would take a walk in the park again. They would talk about Honey and cry less hearing her name. Somehow they would realise their angel was watching over them and they would feel her tiny footprints in their heart. Jules would be able to set her little angel free. She would close her eyes picturing her tiny angel's wings flying towards Heaven, up to a magical babies castle. And as that gentle breeze in the air softly blows across her face, she will feel goosebumps pleasantly shiver over her body. And she would smile as she thought back to that poem and knew it was true - that wasn't any old breeze. 31

 32

No. That breeze was her angel's kiss.33