Ecstasy

When this began,1

I’d never hurt so much,2

When it passed,3

I’d never forget as such,4

Eyes red,5

I never really understood,6

Heart's shred,7

I’d almost given up for good.8

I should’ve listened,9

I should’ve paid you heed,10

And now I cry,11

For my hasty deed.12

I closed my eyes 13

When you needed me,14

Never looked back, 15

Knowing what you meant to me.16

The vile vine, 17

That I pursued,18

Hushed my mind19

With a grasping hood.20

I didn’t see,21

Where lead me it would,22

And ensconced my descent,23

As only life’s rose could.24

And now I linger,25

In these exiled lands,26

Where Hope’s box,27

Rests in Pandora’s hands...28

 29

*** 30

 31

Then in this abyss,32

The light I discerned,33

As you appeared,34

Broken dreams were turned.35

Now I lie,36

In this Ecstasy,37

And even though, 38

I leave a Gemini,39

Never before,40

Have I perceived,41

A calming melody,42

As my soul now sings.43

 44

***45

 46

Author notes

Prompt: " True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost. " - Charles Caleb Colton, Siby's prompt.

Okay, this is my first attempt, in my life , that I dare write poetry,and I wrote it in a way that I like to read, simple,  possibly vague, but succinct nonetheless.

I cannot do "deep" poems, lol. I'm a horror-writer! Cut me some slack. XD

The Gemini allusion refers to "sense of comradship" symbolised by twins.

"Life's rose" being the beauty with thorns that I percieve life to be.

Fave book:  Sleeping Freshmen Never Lie. I DID put it in before, but accidentally deleted it. Ah well.. 

Tiger-Lily/HT 

A contest entry

Gah! Did it even make sense? LOL.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 45 of 45

  • Colors Of The Moon
    September 6
    Edit | Reply
    WoW! that was awesome! yay! Good job!


  • Cheerful-Panda
    August 27

    Edit | Reply
    good rhyming trippy!
    I like this poem and i can't believe this is one of th first poems you've ever written! this sounds like you've been writing poetry for awhile now ! OF COURSE YOU ROCK YOU'VE GOT MAD SKILLS YO

    James: Pfft if she has such mad skills she would have had Ev fall in love with me!

    Me: -____- What are you doing here?

    James: Just helping gee this poem was boring =.=

    Me: -puts James in a steel box-

    James: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SAVE ME!

    Sorry you had to see that anyway I enjoyed this three clappys for you trippster!

    Yo mad Trippy:
    Mira !


    • Tiger-Lily gold member
      August 28
      Edit | Reply
      Evelyn: She has no say over who I fall in love with, Dorko. Your intellect is no higher than my boot's. -_- I prefer sane people.

      -ignores Evelyn- Uhh, anyways, thanks Tripster!



      HT


  • nextandykaufman
    August 15

    Edit | Reply

    great

    good rhyme scheme, the flow had a pace to it. i can't think of anything that could possibly make it better, so bravo. i wouldn't have believed it was your first poem unless you wrote it at the end. yeah the background is pretty awesome too.


  • Dont Look Down
    August 11

    Edit | Reply
    Very deep and powerful. I really did enjoy reading this and trying to figure it out. Your authors notes helped me with that. Thanks for putting them there. Well done. =)

    Sabrina


  • KixiusMaximusArsus
    August 1

    Edit | Reply
    Yes it made perfect sense and i loved it!! I loved the way it flowed and how you put so much feeling into it. Great Job!

  • wibblywobbly
    July 8
    Edit | Reply

    yes it did

    superb

  • living.angel
    June 30
    Edit | Reply
    omg sooooo gud
    i must say nice background!!


  • callthexylophone
    June 26

    Edit | Reply
    Yay! this poem was really good. fantastic for a first attempt.

    Two things-
    I leave behind a Gemini (in a way, I wonder if hte person you are talking about is a gemini, and that's how you refer to him/her, which makes the poem cheesy in a 70s way. I hope not).

    My contest is a amuse and bemuse, so you won't win, but you really DID do a very very good job. thank you for entering!


  • Unpredictable Girl
    June 21

    Edit | Reply

    Wow :D

    I've been looking for my last entrant and not the least You've done well and now I've got to decide the finalists!

  • Caterell
    June 1

    Edit | Reply

    Amazing

    This is amzing! I loved it! Excellent writing, excellent flow and rhyming skills! Amazing background and title, no spelling errors I can see, mysterious, original, tempting...

    Love it!

    This is the first time I've given out any of my hard earned points before for a story or poem!


  • NightTime-Fox
    May 27

    Edit | Reply
    This is very good. I really like the whole image i am getting with the words and the backround working together.Good Job

  • Shadowed Phoenix
    May 22

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing, absolutly wonderful. I love the references you make in this peom. The way it is writen is simply buetaful. I had to read it twice to truly grasp it and when I did it made perfect sence. Simply a wonderful piece. Well writen. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.


  • whatami
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    wow. it made perfect sense. wow. you could have ended it after the first verse, but you went on. wow. bittersweet memories of vincent...gah thanks.


  • disturbed-dreamer
    May 14

    Edit | Reply
    It made sense! (Wait, that's not very reassuring coming from me..)

    The way the words flowed was awesome, and I know many people can envy that (including me.) Poetry's hard, and you did it very well.


  • Taylor Renee
    May 13

    Edit | Reply
    Absolutely beautiful.

    I love this.

    I can't find a single flaw. It was written perfectly, and I love your backround.

    This was just...Wow.

    I don't know what to say.

    Your wording was great, as well as the flow.

    This is the kind of poem I would love to be able to write.

    Beautiful.

    And you followed my rules.

    Thank you so mcu hfor taking the time for my contest, and I wish you the best of luck.

    xoxo
    -♥-
    Tay


  • Lover of Stories
    May 9
    Edit | Reply

    ~Magnificent~

    ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!? That was your first attempt at writing poetry?!?!? O.O That was so good! <3 You're a natural!!! =D Your poem was beautiful... And it works very well with the quote. Good luck in the contest! I think you should definitely be one of the finalists. ^.~ Oh, one more note: Please remember to stick the title of your favorite book in your author's notes. Thanks! =)


  • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ gold member
    May 5

    Edit | Reply
    WOWOWOWOW.



    Seriously - for a first attempt at peotry - it DID make sense and was supremely amazing!! I think you've got something here, HT.
    Good work. Peoms don't have to be deep deep. I think yours does the job.

    Cheers,

    RJ


  • Ghost of a Siren
    April 30

    Edit | Reply

    wonderful!

    And this is your first attempt? Well, it's simply amazing. I thought you'd been writing poetry your whole life by this read. It IS deep, and beautiful, wonderful job and much luck in the contest you've entered.

    . Rewarded 4


  • Prim-Rose
    April 29

    Edit | Reply
    For a first attempt on poetry it is absolutely awesome! It was really deep and yeah, it did make sense.

    . Rewarded 4


  • eyeambaldman
    April 29

    Edit | Reply
    I beg to differ, I believe this was quite deep. What it means, well, I believe poetry is subjective. It can be interpreted several different ways...honestly, poetry was not my forte in college so I'll leave the subjectivity to others.

    I did feel that it flowed quite well, and the imagery you convey was excellent. I think you underestimate yourself in your ability. You may be a horror writer, but you surely can write poetry with the best of them.

    Nice work!

    . Rewarded 8


  • Nocturne Moderators member
    April 29

    Edit | Reply
    Hello there,

    For a first poem, this is great, actually. And yes, it was clearly full of emotion - I'm uncertain how much critique to actually leave on this because I don't want to be discouraging, but here are a few thoughts:

    My first pseudo-critique would be that reading a centered poem is just so annoying. And yes, this is very much a personal (and biased) opinion, (as is anything in this comment!) but it's based both on reading a lot of poetry and on what editors prefer when you send in poems for potential publications. Centered poems may look more "poetic" but readers can get irritated by the format and that negatively affects the read.

    Another thing that caught my eye was that the punctuation was ungrammatical - and yes, after all, rules in art can (and are) broken. But in general, a poem's like prose grammatically. A good way to check to see if it's doing what it should be is to take out the linebreaks temporarily:

    When this began, I’d never hurt so much, when it passed, I’d never forget as such, eyes red, I never really understood, heart bled, I’d almost given up for good.

    alt:
    When this began,
    I’d never hurt so much.
    When it passed,
    etc.

    But I did see that you didn't make that age-old mistake of assuming that linebreaks mean stops. You're right to try to make punctuation convey pauses.

    Now some content critique:

    A few thoughts about the beginning - you run the risk of alienating your reader with pseudo-cliche imagery. "Heart bled" is probably the easiest way to tell the reader about emotional pain, but it's a cliche. And cliches are evil.

    The reason is that they don't give the reader anything new. They're been said before to the extent that they are really not interesting anymore. And that's not a good thing for writing.

    Certainly the narrator was feeling some sort of "pain" and after a long journey, the "soul sings" but the reader is kinda "Who cares?" This is actually not a snide comment, it's a very relevant question in art.

    It's the job of a writer to make the reader care. (If you're writing to be read. This critique doesn't cover journal entries or therapy writing).

    Otherwise, the story/poem is just words and at best the reader will shrug. Concrete language, examples, specific details and images will make the reader care. Optimally, you will, instead of bashing the reader over the head with "LOOK I was in PAIN and now I'm BETTER!" will guide the reader to a point when s/he winces and says, 'Ouch This is so helpless! and Wow, I too feel like singing!" without the poem ever telling the reader that.

    I felt that the emotions were very powerful, but I almost wish I could "see" what you're talking about better. I feel I lack context. You probably know exactly what you're talking about, but a reader reads words, not minds.

    Again, I want to say that overall, this piece of writing is spiffy and that all my critique, is just that, some subjective thoughts on how it can be made stronger.

    I wish you the best of luck writing (and revising if you chose to)!

    Cheers for the read,
    Nocturne


    • Tiger-Lily gold member
      April 29
      Edit | Reply
      Hm...I totally agree. But, unlike with a story, I can't figure out how to implement your awesome advice in here for fear of breaking the rhythm.

      *dissolves in thought*

      HT


  • Siby Anan
    April 29
    Edit | Reply
    Is this still unfinished? Seems pretty finished to me

    It was very abstract; I'll give you that.

    You've presented different points here, which is pretty interesting.

    About the quote, however, I don't quite understand how it applies?
    If it's not too much trouble, explain?


    Great entry. It's fantastic


    • Tiger-Lily gold member
      April 29
      Edit | Reply
      Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot to put it in...

      In my POV, the quote you gave me seemed to symbolize, as well as the usual best-fiends-fighting and making up idea, another viewpoint.

      The poem is split in two, the former part being about when one throws away one's friends for the "vine" (the ladder-illusion depicting upward-climb to apparently-better things). This part also shows the lonely feelings, the abyss, in which despair reigns, no one to catch you when you fall, and there's a verse about regretting ignoring a friend. Implicitly, losing friendship = despair, and one is left to wallow miserably on their own. In the latter part, the "friend" returns and everything is "whole" again. From the quote, the "health" illusion, played on like a pun.

      Yes, I love puns.

      Did that help slightly? I can either change this entry, or go for a different prompt entirely.


      • Siby Anan
        April 29
        Edit | Reply
        That helped a LOT.
        Siby can be quite slow to realize things sometimes.


        But thank you very much for taking the time to explain that to me. I now see the quote behind the words [which should've happened before but is happening now].

        You change this entry and I kill you xD

        I'd say you've got my vote for definite finalist [because we've got to discuss and stuff...lol].




        Siby.


  • Missi
    April 29

    Edit | Reply
    wow! I really like how you created it out, you said in your authors note that you never wrote deep poems but this was deep, and it makes sense.
    I liked the imagery that you created and i liked hwo the words fitted with each other and meant something.

    You are really talented and I hope you win in the contest!

    Missi

    . Rewarded 6

  • Chrissi
    April 29
    Edit | Reply
    WOW!!! This is awesome!!


  • Melancholic Smile
    April 29

    Edit | Reply
    For a first attempt at poetry this was great, the words flowed well and you captured my attention with the flow of your poetry to keep on reading. To answer your question, Yes it made sense! There was a lot of good imagery used and i think you should carry on writing some more poetry, this was a well written piece! Well done!

    . Rewarded 6


  • DuchessAura of Brie silver member
    April 28
    Edit | Reply
    Oh, and I forgot to mention I love the symbolism. It made a lot of sense, and is very fitting.


  • DuchessAura of Brie silver member
    April 28

    Edit | Reply
    I love this!! One line made me flinch sort of, "Where lead me it would," because it disrupts the flow of the poem. Other than that, this is really good =) you have nothing to be worried about!! =)


  • Lover of Stories
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    Here's my prompt for you:

    " Sometimes, we just have so much pain in our hearts, that all we have left to do is smile..." - Elleploria-kazeme ( StoryWrite Member )

    Good luck! ^.~


  • Ninja Bubble
    April 21
    Edit | Reply
    And here's mine!

    " No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. " - Eleanor Roosevelt


  • Siby Anan
    April 21
    Edit | Reply

    Siby Anan's Prompt

    You will be receiving three prompts. One from me, one from Imaginize It, and one from Lover of Stories. Take your pick. Thank you for entering!

    "True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."
    -Charles Caleb Colton

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