When completely surrounded in darkness, it’s complicated to tell which direction I’m going in. Whether it be towards the light or farther away from it, it is not easy judging my location. I no longer care where I am heading, or what the future has in store for me. 1
Reality has struck, and I eventually must learn to wipe this fake smile off my face. If anything, it’s bringing me down… down into the deep pit of my mind, and swallowing me alive. You all see me exactly how I want you too. You take in my false, pathetic enthusiasm for life each day. I appear to you as I pray to one day honestly feel. Happy. But I’m sorry, mentality I can not bring myself to feel this emotion as much as you wish me to.2
So much has happened in such a short amount of time. I haven’t been able to tell anyone it all… it’s to complicated for even myself to have a mere thought about. I’ve tried, honestly I have. I’ve gotten so much out, but it never seems like enough. I always feel left back at square one. Right where I started. It’s just so hard to open everything up… fear of reaction overpowers everything. 3
Forced to keep it all inside may be for the better. This way I don’t have to worry about how you will act around me. Would you act different? Would you treat me differently? Because that’s not what I want. More then anything, I want to be treated just as everyone else is. So what’s the point in saying anything at all? All it will do is screw me over in the end when you all turn your backs on me for good.4
At first, it seemed like a faze. Something we all go through around this age. I told myself it was, every time I felt depressed, I gave a constant reminded to myself that it’ll soon be over. Well, after almost 3 years of telling repeating this in my head, it hasn’t ended, or gotten any better. Call me a cry baby, call me a whiner. You don’t know what’s going on inside me, so you have no reason to judge me.5
I’ve thought of seeking help many times, and talking to someone who can really help me. It’s humiliating though, to admit to yourself that you have a problem. A problem large enough to have to seek professional help for. Twice now I have come close to this… to possibly having an adult to converse with about my situation. Recently that action was shattered by someone I trusted, someone I thought would be there for me. 6
Now being forced to go, I no longer want to let it all escape me. The wrong words said the wrong way could lead to indescribable circumstances that may be to difficult to escape in the end. Decisions are being made without my consent. It’s my life, I should have some sort of say. 7
Maybe I am crazy. It’s not like that thought hasn’t gone through my head multiple times before. I hear of other peoples stories, who are going through worse things them myself. And I wonder why am I acting this way. Why I let things get to me so much. I can’t help it, nothing works. Everything just piles on top of my shoulders, and with all this stress, everything will eventually come crashing down on me. 8
If I could find the main source of my unhappiness, I would destroy it within a second. For I have yet to discover this invisible force… this hell I have developed inside my own mind.9
©A.Paolozzi10
Author notes
Just taking advice from my councilor .. and letting it all out. I hope you understand better now.
-Ash,
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Thank you very much..
-Ashley,
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Thank you Kati.. <333
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Ash,
Coming from a close friend, and someone who has always been there when she could...I understand how you feel having to smile around everyone...It isn't because that's what they want you to see...You're afraid they're gonna think something negative about you and do something, or say something...It's hard just to go to someone and tell them you need help; It's hard to go to an adult, and tell them your problems. It's scary having to admit to yourself that something is wrong, and you need it to be taken care of by a professional. I know that feeling, and I know how difficult everything is in the position you're in. Oddly enough, I know the other side of it too, sometimes I feel like the adult when people come to me, 'cause I can tell how scared they are. I can feel their pain, especially yours, Ashley. 'Cause I had the same issues almost as the ones you did, with the same person. It's scary, and it isn't something you should have to deal with...Your friends should be there for you, and your friends need to realize you're not a perfect little girl... I know all of that, from many perspectives, and it's hard, and scary; I know...But I guess the only thing you can really do... is hope for the best, and pray everything gets fixed...You know I'm here for you, and you know I'm never going away, so don't hesitate to ask for something, or when I'm not online, you know my cell number is in my screen name, and you know my home number. <3 Love you!
Kati. xox
Don't worry, Ash. Things are gonna be fine.
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Hey ash... Whats up hun? I have told you multiple times before that you do not have to wear a fake smile around me... I am your friend and what else are friends for then to be there to trust and be able to talk to. I would absolutly love to help you with anything that you needed help with... sometimes, even if you do have a fear of a persons reaction to your feelings,you have to go for it anyway and put yourtrust i to a person because it isn't good to keep it all inside. maybe professional help is the answer and maybe it isn't, but before you even think of seeking anything professional why don't you try to pt your trust in someone else, like a close friend... someone you know you will be able to trust.. hopefully you know you can trust me because you are an amazing friend and there is no way i would want to do something that would screw up our friendship... talk to me if you want... all you want.. i don't mind listenig and i would be glad to try and give some advice that could be useful. i know you have prob heard this before, bu ti mean it and i hope you know that. I may not be your best friend... and i may not have gone t school with you for very long but i already know that we will stay friends for a very long time and i can trust you.
lots of love always
jess -
I can tell you that getting it all out helps a little bit. Having just recently gone through the worst time in my lfe to date, and still struggling with it, that you can get to the point that you don't see anyway that it could possibly get any better at all. Being betrayed by someone in who you confided makes it even worse. It may be a chemical imbalance that you are suffering with and there is nothing wrong with that. Heck, there is nothing wrong with having something wrong when it all boils down. What does matter is that you try and do something about it. I have encountered some wonderful people on this site that have given me support without knowing a thing about me other than what I write and knowing that someone is caring enough to reach out to you when you are hurting starts to help. I truly feel for you and hope that healing begins very quickly. I hope writing this out was some help to you as well. Take care and feel free to contact me if you ever need to just talk about anything. I know that is a pretty empty offer but it is all I know to do.
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The realisation of your own insanity makes everything even worse than it was before you were ignorant. That's why most can live each day so easily... ignorance
Be glad you have the ability to think about such things.
Now have a look at the only short story I wrote a couple of months ago.... your not alone
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Too much emotion in this piece I hope you will get better soon. The idea of asking advice from someone is a good start
so keep it up. Let all those emotions inside your head unleashed so that you will find the true happiness within. Anyways, This piece is well-written and GOOD JOB. -Delinquent-
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that's good taking an advice to someone.. and also for sharing it here at AP.. it was really a good idea.. that advice can also help others in that same situation..
thanks for that and i hope you have let it all out in the open and nothing's left there inside of you.. keep writing and sharing..
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