Becky and Jennifer were both fifteen, too young to drive, so they had taken the bus to the party. Jennifer was average height and slim while one might say that Becky was plump. They both had blue eyes, though Becky's were darker. Jennifer was prettier, but what Becky lacked in looks, she made up in personality. Both girls were popular at school and at Johnny's party. The party was supervised by Johnny's parents, so there was no alcohol or drugs, but the music was the kids' choice and loud. There was dancing and games. Everybody was having a great time.1
At about 11:55, Johnny's mother asked Becky, "Didn't you come by bus?"2
"Oh my god!" said Becky looking at her watch. "We've got to get going!"3
"Do you need a ride?" asked Johnny's mother.4
"No, I think we can make it. The last bus is at 12:20."5
"Are you sure?"6
"Yes, we'll be all right."7
Becky quickly found Jennifer, "It's nearly twelve. We've got to run and I mean literally!"8
"Oh gosh!" exclaimed Jennifer.9
Johnny said, "You need to catch the bus? There's a short cut behind our house. Just go straight through the forest and you'll reach the bus stop."10
"Thanks Johnny. It was a great party," said Jennifer.11
"Yeah, it was great," said Becky and they went out the back door of the house and started running into the woods.12
Soon the girls realized that they were lost. They saw a light and ran toward it hoping to find help. The light came from a old dilapidated house. The shutters were hanging loose from the two story structure. Hardly any paint remained on the outside of the house. Some of the windows were cracked or broken. The large wooden porch was shoddy with pieces missing. Light seemed to be coming from the front room of the house. The door was open wide. The grounds of the house appeared to have not been cared for in years. It looked as though the house might collapse at any moment.13
"Oh, it's so creepy," said Becky.14
Jennifer started up to the steps of the house.15
"You're not going up there, are you?"16
"We're lost," answered Jennifer. "We've got to do something."17
"I'm afraid," said Becky nearly trembling.18
"There's no time for that."19
Jennifer and Becky went up on the porch and knocked at the open door. "Anybody home?" shouted Jennifer.20
Looking inside the house, they saw blankets of dust and the furniture seemed in disarray. Jennifer started to go inside. The light was coming from a large dirty chandelier. "I'm not going inside there!" stated Becky.21
"We've got to, we're lost," explained Jennifer.22
"Hello," shouted Jennifer. "Is anybody here?" 23
They were now in the living room. "Ew, it smells awful in here," said Becky. The odor seemed of something dead or rotting. 24
"Did you hear that?"25
"Yeah," answered Jennifer feeling really scared for the first time. It sounded like chains dragging."26
"Let's get out of here!" said Becky.27
They tore out of the house as fast as their legs could carry them, not caring where they went. They ran into a tall man dressed in white. "Hey, girls. What are you doing out so late in the woods?"28
"We're lost, can you tell us where the bus stop is?" said Becky breathing heavily.29
"Sure," the man answered smiling. "Go straight that way and you'll run right into the road and you should see the bus stop."30
"Thanks," said Jennifer and they started running again in the direction the man had pointed.31
They got to the bus stop just as the bus was coming. It was 12:20. Out of breath, they were so relieved to have caught the bus. They climbed aboard and sat down together trying to catch their breath. For several minutes they said nothing.32
"Wow! That house was awful," said Jennifer finally.33
"Do you think it is haunted?"34
"I don't know, but it scared me," replied Jennifer.35
"Me, too."36
"And what about that man. He was really strange."37
"I wonder what he was doing in the woods?" asked Becky.38
"I have no idea. He was all dressed in white. Do you think he was a ghost?"39
"I don't know, but I think I'm going to have nightmares about this."40
"Becky, I feel like something is following us!" 41
A heavy fog blanketed the bus as it drove on.42
“This is scary,” said Becky.43
“I'm going up to the driver and tell him where we need to get off.” 44
Jennifer went up to the driver and told him that they needed to get off at the Belmont stop.45
“Be glad to stop there for you,” said the driver smiling.46
“I don't know how he can tell where he's going in this fog, it's so thick,” said Jennifer.47
“At least he seems to know where he's driving.”48
“I've never seen fog like this,” Jennifer observed.49
A while later Becky said, “It seems to be taking a long time, do you suppose the driver is lost?”50
“He's probably just going slow because of the poor visibility.”51
“I hope you're right,” said Becky nervously.52
“Girls,” said the driver pulling the bus to a halt. “This is your stop.”53
The girls stepped out of the door, but it didn't seem right. In front of them were trees, the girls looked behind them and the bus had disappeared. Instead there were only trees. The fog had lifted, but they were mysteriously back in the forest. The trees blocked any light from the stars or moon and the trees seemed like evil shadows.54
“What do we do?” said Jennifer.55
“I don't know,” said Becky and started crying. “I don't think we'll ever get home. What do you think happened to the bus and how did we get back in the woods?”56
“There's got to be a logical explanation.”57
“There's nothing logical about it!” cried Becky.58
“Well, we can't stay here.”59
“Where do we go, there are nothing but trees?”60
“Let's try to find help,” said Jennifer.61
“A lot of good that did earlier.”62
They began walking and walking. Walking for hours, seeing no end to the forest and they came across no people nor houses.63
“We're not getting anywhere,” said Becky out of fatigue and frustration. “Our parents are going to be very angry.”64
“The sun should be up soon,” reasoned Jennifer. “Let's rest for a bit.”65
They huddled up together against a large tree. Without intending to, they fell into a deep sleep. It was almost as though they had gone into a trance.66
Jennifer awoke to the awful odor she had smelled before and knew instantly she was back in the deserted house. The walls were filthy and a bare light bulb gave off a dingy glare. She realized next that she was lying on a bed, rather; she was tied to the bed. Feeling cool air over her entire body, she knew without looking that she was naked.67
She pulled at her restraints to no avail. “Help me!” she yelled.68
“Help!” she repeated even louder.69
Nothing but silence. No one came.70
About an hour passed and she struggled to free herself from the heavy chains. From somewhere else in the house she suddenly heard screaming and she guessed it to be Becky.71
“Becky, are you okay?” she shouted. The screaming continued for a while and then stopped.72
The silence was eerie. Jennifer trembled in fear unable to free herself. 73
The man in white appeared at the bed looking down at her. “So nice of you to have dropped in,” he said, smiling. In the light his face was pale and his gray hair almost white. He was wearing a white suit, tie, and shirt. He looked ghostly.74
“What do you want with me? Where's Becky? What's happening to her?”75
“How noble. Concerned about your friend. Well be concerned no longer. She is being devoured,” he said smiling.76
“Devoured,” said Jennifer with alarm. “You mean eaten?”77
“Yes, my dear, precisely and you'll be next.”78
Jennifer began crying and said, “Please let me go!”79
“Why ever should I do that?”80
“I don't want to be eaten. I don't want to die.”81
“Neither did your friend, oddly. What a coincidence?” he said and laughed.82
He began to transform before her eyes. His clothing disappeared and he grew in size, his skin became slimy and brownish red. His face distorted into a shape similar to a gargoyle with sharp teeth, fangs, and horns. Large blood red eyes and a big nose made up the rest of his face. His arms were long and muscular. Claws were at the end of his fingers.83
“Oh my God! Nooo!” cried Jennifer as he came closer to her. He was about two times the size he had been as a man. The demon bit deeply into her left upper leg tearing a hunk from it and chewing it down quickly.84
Jennifer screamed at the top of her lungs feeling excruciating pain. She kept screaming as the evil beast took another bite from her leg. She died in misery as she was eaten alive. When the demon had finished, there was nothing left of Jennifer but a bloody carcass. The demon shape shifted back into the man in white. 85
The authorities found no trace of Jennifer or Becky. The deserted house, which both was and wasn't, was not discovered by the police. The girls were just statistics, among the people who mysteriously disappear. Their friends and families grieved.86
Author notes
My favorite song is 'Wanderlust' by Paul McCartney. It's the last song in this medley. Paul McCartney was one of the of the Beatles:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ipsobxtfv50
Favorite Movie: The Texas State of Mind.
In a list
A contest entry
- Horror by Sunless Spirit.
155 points, ended June 9, 2008, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Easter Bunny VS. Count Chocula by Alone And Afraid.
100 points, ended July 5, 2008, 2 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Beautiful Monstas by Star-Vomit.
170 points, ended September 24, 2008, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Scary Stories by WolfSpiritMia.
400 points, ended October 24, 2008, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Scaary by Olinda.
100 points, ended October 25, 2008, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Scare Me by PsychoticVampiress.
115 points, ended December 3, 2008, 23 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Story Structure(Points will go up) by Cupcake14.
157 points, ended April 20, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Best Shot by iDifferent-.
175 points, ended June 4, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Supernatural by Shadow Pixie.
490 points, ended September 27, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Trick or Treat? Muahaha by Clary--Selene--Tayy.
160 points, ended October 23, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 98 of 98
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That was really great and scary as!
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Whoa...that's a really great horror story! You actually creeped me out a little (and that's a good thing). Well written too.
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Hi there!
I'm very pleased that you like this story. It's good it gave you a little scare, but it's all in fun.
Thanks for dropping by, reading, and commenting. I appreciate it.
Andy
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Wow.
This was really good. I enjoyed reading it. I get scared easily and I kept thinking there was something behind me
You got me scared, which is the first time a story on storywrite has!
Well done
Good luck and thanks for entering!
Cody
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Hi Cody!
Thanks for dropping by, reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. I'm very pleased you like this story. I'm glad it gave you some chills and thrills.
Andy
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Pretty Cool!
I liked the originallity, a ghost that turned into a monster. I think actions would speak louder than words, though, I would cut some diolouge and show the fear, confusion, and resistance to go somewhere in their actions. For example: "I'm so scared" could turn into 'Her spine shivered and a cold sweat appeared on her brow.'
Or "I am not going in there" could be "Jennifer stood there like a pillar, she crossed her arms stubbornly and shook her head at the door"
Get it?
Otherwise it was a very chilling and nice read. Being eaten alive is probably a bad way to go. -
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Hi there!
When I die, I hope to go to sleep and just not wake.
I write an lot of crime and horror stories, sometimes I kill the victims with little suffering, sometimes a lot. Usually my villains live happily-ever-after.
I enjoy employing dialogue and using description as you suggested, doesn't usually occur to me. Fleshing out is one of my weaknesses. You're examples are good ones.
Thanks for hosting and commenting.
Andy
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The lesson learned from this: beware of guys in white. I think that you did a rather good job.
The descriptions and dialogue are really well-written, and I was really freaked out by the guy in white. I was saddened by the deaths of Becky and Jennifer.
I must say that I entered Asfand's contest, too, but this is the first time that I've ever gone against you with a horror piece. Just an observation.
Well done, Andy, and all the best in the contest.
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Hi LE!
I'm glad you like this story, but I can't say that I want more competition. It's getting harder to place in contests and I don't get gold often, anymore. I'm sure your story is a good one.
My horror stories don't really have a lot of shock value nor do they frighten much. My horror is usually more psychological and sometimes mixed with some gore.
Never wish an opponent good luck in a contest, they might beat you
!
Andy
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I liked it. Fairly well-written, I'll grant that too. I liked the characters of Jennifer and Becky, I thought they were well-defined. I also thought the story was fairly creepy. I enjoyed the house, the terrible feeling it gave and especially when they ran into the tall white-clad man. That was abrupt and freaky.
I suppose all this needs is an emotional touch. I think it began well but fell flat in the climax. The ending was rushed and simplistic. I would also love more detail and description to satisfy the mood of the story.
A suggestion:
43 A heavy fog blanketed the bus as the bus [del: thebus and replace with 'it'] drove on
Anyway, wonderfully done! Good luck!
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Hi Asfand!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I'm glad you like this story.
I don't spend a lot of time at revising and neither am I very good at it. I try to go on in the hope that I'll improve as I write more. I correct minor mistakes and make minor changes, but normally that's about all.
It could be fun to try to add more detail to the end of this story and I'll give it some thought. I might even try to add a bit of humor there.
I appreciate your considered critique.
Andy
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creepy and good. good luck and thanks for entering
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Hi Marisalyn!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading. I appreciate it. I hope you like my story.
I also hope you had a good contest and fun.
Andy
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This will have 2 be DQ'd. It really had nothing to do with my contest. Also writing a little too choppy for my liking.
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Hmm?
I usually read the contest requirements pretty well
. I'll have another look. Sorry about that.
Andy
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Oooh, horrifying.
I read this late at night so man, did it creep the hell outta me. Gosh, this is scary.
But very thrilling. The suspense was wonderfully built, the conversations realistic and enjoyable. I think you could add a little more descriptions into the story though.
But great job.
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Hi!
I'm still not rich, yet
, but I'm looking forward to the day I can call
!
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it. I'm very happy that you like it so much. Thanks for checking it out.
Andy
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This was a rather good read. It did give me a chill. Being devoured while alive sounds like a horrifying way to die. Though the story did move fast, it had a good idea behind it. The house freaked me out the most. Thank you for entering!
Great job, continue writing,
RayneFall
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Hi Rayne!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. I'm pleased you like this story.
I'm sure that being eating alive would be a rough way to go, especially if it was slow. I'm hoping to go in my sleep
. I love to write crime and horror stories.
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Very freaky but I like it! Nice job!
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Hi!
Thanks for reading and your brief comment. I appreciate it. I'm pleased you like this story.
It was written in two parts. The first part was written for a contest that wanted a cliffhanger, so I left it unfinished. At the request of those who read the cliffhanger, I completed the story.
Nothing like a little sweet meat.
Andy
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wow
its nice i dont really feel like I have a chance -
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Hi!
Don't be intimidated. I may not place. This story has done pretty well, but it doesn't place in every contest.
Just keep after it and keep writing. You'll do some winning if you do.
Andy
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That was really creepy. Not too scary but still nice and erie. Best of luck in the contest!
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Hi!
So you're partying at the asylum?
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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OMGosh, for a English assignement I had to do a similar story plot
This was very well written and gory, but as Rose said it didn't exactly scare me.
Great job, thank you for the entry -
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Hi Hayden!
I hope you like this story.
So I'm supposed to scare you? It's hard for me to get scared by the written word.
I had fun writing this story.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
Andy
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. No. you didn't have to scare me. I meant as it was a frightning story, it was a good thing I didn't get scared.
You're welcome, I'll be sure to read more of your work
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Good job. This certainly had an eerie sort of pull to it, but I can't say it actually scared me. Sorry. I loved how your words flowed, but to improve this you could add a little more description about the pain of being eaten alive and what it looked like.
~~Rose
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Hmmm yes. I'm okay I guess. I just moved to a city called Napier a 6 hour car drive away from my old home in Auckland. Things are a little weird with all the un-packing and stuff. I start a new school in 2 days but I suspect everything will fall into place in time. Enough about me, how are you?
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Hi Rose!
It's rather hard for me to be frightened by the written word. On rare occasions, something might actually move me emotionally.
I may at some point try to go into more detail about being eaten alive. That's a good idea.
Thanks very much for dropping by, reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it.
How's everything with you?
Andy
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WOW!!!!
No words can explain how I feel after reading this story!
It had depth and it had a pull.
The words flowed and It made me want to shut the computer down it was so scary!!!!!
Overall this was a amazing story.
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Hi Sunita!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.
I'm very pleased that you like this story. I had fun with it.
Andy
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eww
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Hi!
Thanks for hosting this contesst and for reading. I hope you like this story. May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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The font is too light!
There were twenty minutes left, I would run for the bus if there were only ten.
The characters squeal a bit too much, don't you think?
Wow. Definitely a finalist. Though the end was a bit hurried up. It reminded me of the Girl who Loved Tom Gordon, and another story about someone lost in a valley.
Great job. Enter it in contests which want stories for making films.
P.S. You're Andy Stephenson again! I seem to have a knack for guessing which stories are yours!
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Hi there!
Thanks for hosting this contest. I appreciate it. I hope you have many good entries and much fun. Thanks also for reading, commenting, the applause, and for making me a finalist.
You think they squeal too much? What woulld you do if you were being eaten?
I'm glad you like this story.
You did well to recognize me in this story. I didn't post a picture or use my regular background.
Andy
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it was long, but kept my hook. interesting, detailed language. well done!
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Hi!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you had a good contest and much fun.
Andy
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okay im gonna comment as i read through this
becky's afraid- okay so she's said this but there's no atmospheric setting to back this up.
why would they get off the bus? that makes no sense.
this could be a script for the amount of dialogue in here. okay the storylines good but there's not much setting- it's just the characters speaking all of the time.
okay so thats a better amount of description and it's getting eerier.
okay random ending. too short for a storyline like this- and not really enough description to scare me. i was more just a little grossed out.
thanks for entering! -
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Creepy, somebody always gets eaten in your story...I seem to do that as welll, weird. lol.
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Thanks
I have some stories where no one is eaten, but the ones where someone is eaten are so much fun. I'm thinking about writing another one. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
Andy
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good i cant say anything else lol
good -
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Thank You
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm glad you like this story.
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Pretty gruesome
The story was definitely a nail biter. Thank you for entering my contest. -
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Thank You
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you like this story.
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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That was cool. So much better than all the other stories I read for my contest. This is automatically going to my finalists!! It could have been a little more descriptive, but this was nice! It reminds me of the movie "Disturbia". Ever watched it? It's awesome!!
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Thank You
I'm glad to be a finalist. I'm glad you like this story.
I haven't seen Disturbia.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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ehh.
Great idea, and story line, although it could have been a lot better. This story has a lot of potential. I'm pretty sure your characters need a lot more depth and so does this mysterious man dressed in white, and then there's the whole atmosphere. You have work to do on this piece, and if you work at it, it could really be amazing. It should have been a lot more creepy. DETAILS would be nice. you have hardly any. I don't mean to be such a downer, but i did really like it. it just has so much potential. Thanks.
KEEP WRITING!!!
-Melli<33 -
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
I may revised this story at some point, but I suck at rewriting. I'm glad that you like this story.
Andy
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I liked it, it definitely had a creepy feel to it. But I do agree that it has potential to be a lot creepier if you added more description to the setting and demon/ghost guy.
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Thank You
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it. I'm glad you like this story.
All it needs is more description to the setting and the demon/ghost guy. I'll keep that in mind if I do a rewrite.
Andy
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Hmmm...
How is this ANYTHING to do with zombies? -
Wow. Interesting!
That scared the living crap out of me! XD I really, really wasn't expecting that, and it made me shudder. You did a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really ,really ,really, really, really, really great job here, and deserve a cookie!...or if not a cookie, three claps!
Wh00t!!!! Again, awesome job! Thank you for entering.
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Thank You
I'm very pleased that you like this story so much. It always makes a writer feel good when someone likes their work.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I really appreciate it. I really, really, really, do. May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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i really like it!
(im probably not gonna go in a forest for a LONG long time.)
kiti -
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Thank You
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. That particular forest is haunted. I'd avoid it, too.
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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This was awesome! I loved it! Bravo! I must say it was exellent! I can't say anything else but this is funny and scary! IT was was-PERFECT!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks again.
Thanks for reading me and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm very pleased that you like this story so much. Funny? I didn't really intend to make it funny, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Andy
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WhoA
Wow, I really loved it! It is sooooo creepy! But thhats good!
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Hi Rearose.
I missed your comment on this story until now. Thanks for reading and all the applause. I appreciate it.
How are you?
Andy
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*shudders*
Creeeeeeeepy.
Thanks for sending the full version to me. It's a great read.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading the full version. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Thanks also for applauding.
Andy -
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You're welcome x2
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Wowsa....
This was extraordinary. the first paragraph was a little odd but it was a great read. Very spooky. I liked it a lot. Never seen your movie, but I"m sure it's good. Good luck!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks
The Texas State of Mind is a really good movie.
I'm glad you like this story. Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
I hope you had many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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GOOD!
LOl, this story is great. It actually brought me in to the story with it. Its kinda scary too about the man in white suddenly turing in to a deman ans started eating the girls. I really like the end of the story how it all ended a mystery. Keep up the good work!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm very pleased you like this story. I enjoyed writing it.
I like your guitar playing penguin. It reminds me of David Crosby for some reason.
Andy
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This is classic! lost in the woods, ended up finding a creepy house, creepy old man.. Yes.. this is horror to me. Keep it up!!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. Yes, I guess it is rather the classic format, though I was not trying for that when I wrote it. I'm glad you like it.
Andy
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Good!
*Clap* This is very good. Its a bit choppy but thats about it. I didn't catch any spelling mistakes or anything, and you didn't break any rules. Good job. Its a really good story. It sent shivers up my back. Good luck in the contest!
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Thanks
I'm glad you like this story. I'm also glad that I stayed within the rules. Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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this is really cool. I love the ending and the middle and the beginning... great job!
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. I'm very please you like this story.
I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Well, there's a really good ghost story in here someplace. However, it'll take a fair amount of work to bring it out. I don't mean to be harsh or cruel; I'm just trying to relate my honest response to the story, such that you can polish the rough edges and make it what it could be. There's a *lot* of potential here, don't get me wrong. But there's also a lot of polish needed.
First of all, on the whole, I felt more like I was reading a treatment -- a brief proposal for a screenplay in Hollywood -- than a completed story. You provide details, but not much *imagery* or *scene-setting*, and there is a huge difference. In general, you've got all the right pieces here, but you need to do a lot of elaboration in some areas and a lot of re-arranging in others to make it as effective as it could be.
For example, when the girls get lost is tremendously jarring and unsatisfying. One instant they're walking to the bus stop and all is normal; the next instant, they're lost and finding the house.
You sacrificed an incredible opportunity to suck the reader into the story, to get the reader emotionally involved. It would have been much more effective to draw out the getting-lost process, to detail how exactly they managed to lose themselves in the forest. Did they unwisely step off the trail hoping to make the shortcut even shorter? Did the trail just evaporate or shift beneath their feet? Or did the trail always lead to the haunted house and nowhere else?
Your character descriptions are another example. They're accurate enough, but they're very dry and uninspiring. Your description of the demon-ghost in the end was especially disappointing. You told me what features it has, but not what it really *looks like*, much less any other aspects of its demonic presence -- does it have an odor? What qualities does its voice have -- sharp, grating, sensual, human, inhuman, echoing, metallic, bestial? Is its form fully physical or quasi-real, ethereal?
Again in reference to descriptions, it would also probably be more effective to spread them out through the action rather than breaking the action to include them, but that's more a personal preference, I think.
There are also several relatively minor but still jarring spelling and punctuation mistakes. For example, you describe the man as having a "pail" face at one point, and you tend to leave out commas where they're called for, such as "He said smiling." This needs a comma; "He said, smiling."
Again, I'm not at all trying to put you down. I really hope you give this piece a thorough re-write, making it longer, more involved, and more plot-rich rather than just a sequence of events, as it is now.
The scene with the bus, especially, has a whole lot of eerie potential that just isn't being reached in its current form, and I'd be delighted to see an updated version.
Not that I'm saying you *have* to -- if you like it how it is, keep it. But if you do re-write it while the contest is still on, and submit the new version to replace this one, I'll change my rating according to the new version. Good luck!
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Well,
It seems that it would be very difficult to make this story please you. Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and comenting. I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy -
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I'm sorry; I didn't mean to seem critical, I was just trying to give critique. The point was actually that it *wouldn't* be hard to make this really really awesome -- it just needs to be fleshed out in some places, really, IMO. But as in all things, YMMV. Thank you for taking the time!
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this is very good. good job.
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm pleased you like this story. I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Wow! Oh my god I am glad you added more to this and that ending is brilliant! I loved this Andy. You have such a knack for writing horror stories and I love to read them
~Joann
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. I'm very pleased you like my horror stories. You liked the ending? Devil's food or should I say demon's.
Andy -
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LOL loved the ending. Demon's food imagine that being sold on the store shelves! Clean up in isle 1! A case of demon's food just busted
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lol. I'm sorry, but it was sort of funny to me. The names were so stereotypical of old horror movies and so was the plot line. I found it funny! Oh poor becky got eaten on the way back from Johhny's where they had a real good time. It was a regular old sockhop. lol. sorry. I'm a ltitle easily amused. I just can't get over the whole old horror movie thing.
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Well,
Humor was one of the categories I put it in. I thought it was kind of funny, but your the first one to see any humor in it. I think I'm going to rewrite it. I don't know if it will seem as funny after the rewrite.
Becky actually got eaten at the house, too. Remember, Jennifer could hear her screaming before she began to be eaten herself.
I'm glad you got a laugh out of it.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Andy
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ACK! i was getting goosebumps before I read the second paragraph
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I'm glad you got goosebumps, I think. Does that mean you like it?
I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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I love it up until the being devoured part. I think it seemed rushed and not really well thought out at that point. I would also try not to make the dialogue so 'proper' because then the audience will have a hard time relating to it on a personal level. Try to also incorporate their looks as they move or act. EX: Jennifer's blue eyes gleamed as she scanned the house full of young teenagers that looked up to her popularity.
All in all, very good, very good! I loved it! Good luck in the contest!!
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Thanks
I need to learn how to better incorporate descriptions. Thanks for the example. I'll have another go at this and see what I can do to improve it. Sorry the ending seemed rushed. I'll also have a look at the dialogue. Unfortunately, I don't really speak teen. I'm in a bad habit of using pretty good language.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Hell Ya you always sirprise me with your amazing horror stories. Being eatten alive wow love this .
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Hi V l
I'm glad you like the whole story. I wasn't sure how I was going to end this story. I thought about it for a couple of weeks. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
Andy
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It started as a really good horror and then it got kind of disturbing. I think it was the eaten alive bit that really creeped me out. This story was definitely creepy! Some things that the girls said didn't sound very real or didn't fit into the story but that's my only criticism
Good Story!
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Thanks
You didn't find the dialogue convincing? I debated over whether to have the girls escape, one or both, or get eaten. I decided on the latter. It didn't seem like it would really be horror without victims.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.
Andy
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what a wonderful ending to this story ~ only one thing I would change "gosh" in para 85 it doesn't fit ~ the story is scary and awesome woohoo ~ excellent I just think you should say " Oh my God no" or something more urgent and frightening ~ just a sugestion.... Beautiful and a really enjoyable read
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Thanks Barbara
I changed paragraph 85 as you suggested pretty much.
You felt my little horror story was beautiful? It was supposed terrifying. I am glad you like it.
Thanks a lot for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
How are you doing today?
Andy
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Very intreeging I really liked this a very well done story. I think it's really good and so drawing me in for more to see if somone else will go and investiage the house.
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Thanks Neal
If your paranormal investigators could find the house, they could investigate it. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.
What are you up to today?
Andy
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