A Life in Hiding

Prologue 1

  Marissa always knew she was different. From as long as she could remember, she always tried to flirt with the guys on the playground... but they weren't the only ones to catch her attention. Her parents never really understood how devestated she had gotten when her best friend, Leslie, moved to another state. They never knew that Marissa was in love with her friend.2

When Marissa got "the talk" from her mom and dad, she kept trying to ask them how, if that was how life was created, how would two girls or two boys be together? They kept telling her that that wasn't how it was supposed to work; they told Marissa that only a boy and a girl could be together. So she kept her feelings about Leslie to herself. She didn't want to upset her parents. She figured her feelings were wrong, that she would realize when she was older why she had those feelings, and that they'd go away. Anyway, she did like boys, just that's not the only gender she had feelings for... But she would be able to get over it. She had to. Those feelings were wrong. Her mom had said so.3

Chapter 1 4

It was homecoming of Marissa Wardson's freshman year. She was going with a big group of friends, because there was no way that she could go with the person she really wanted to go with. She remembered thinking that being bisexual was a stage in her life that she would get over after a while. But now, she knew better. It was a part of who she was, but that didn't mean she wanted the world to know yet. She knew for a fact that one of her best friends were homophobic, and she didn't want to lose that person as her friend. They'd been best friends since they sat by each other in kindergarden and shared a package of cheese nips.5

And now, she knew who she wanted to be with. She knew the person she was in love with. She was in love with a girl that she was friends with, but was too afraid to tell her or anyone else how she felt. The girl she loved was a lesbian, but she could not make herself tell her, even if it meant she would never be able to be with her. Again, she convinced herself that she would get over her, that she would find an amazing boy that could wipe away any thought of Mandy Heiden.6

She danced by herself for a while, but kept looking over at Mandy, praying she'd notice, yet hoping she wouldn't see. Her feelings confused her. She wanted to run into Mandy's arms and kiss her and just hold her and dance the night away... But she knew she couldn't do that. She knew she'd just have to keep hiding who she was, hiding who she loved.7

What Marissa didn't notice was the boy that her friend was trying to set her up with, David Steckler, was checking her out. If she could have pulled her eyes away from Mandy long enough, it would have been obvious. But she couldn't seem to do that. So it was a huge surprise to her when Davie came over to ask her to dance. There was a slow song playing, and Mandy was slow dancing with some girl that she was friends with; Marissa was mortified and immediately agreed to dance with Davie. She didn't want Mandy to know, as if she even noticed, that she was desperately trying to catch her eye contact.8

After their first dance, Marissa knew Davie was really into her. Problem was, it was all one sided. But when he asked her again to dance, she said yes so as not to hurt him. But in her mind, all she could think of was how beautiful Mandy looked in that gorgeous, dark blue dress. Marissa, after three slowdances with Davie, could not take it anymore. She had to escape not only David, but Mandy too.9

"I'll be right back. I have to... go... to the restroom." That would prevent him following her. It wasn't that she didn't like David, it was just that she wasn't in love with him the way she was with Mandy. Sure, she cared about him; they were friends after a all. But she cringed at the thought of dating him. She told herself that it wasn't him... She could grow feelings for him after a while. But deep in her soul, she knew that she could never get over Mandy.10

She got into the dark bathroom and fumbled aimlessly for the light switch. Once she found it and flicked it on, she locked herself into one of the stalls and sat down on the toilet, tears streaming down her face. She knew David was going to ask her to be with him tonight; her best friend, Danielle, had told her his plans. What could she do? She wanted to say no, that she didn't want to be with him. But she didn't want to make him think there was someone else in her heart, because then she'd feel obligated to tell him who it was who stole her heart from him. But if she said yes, she'd be in a relationship with someone she didn't love... And a continued dream of someone else.11

She heard the door open, and a beautiful voice said "Okay! I'll be back in a few seconds! Gosh, Carie! Go dance with Adrianne, you know you want to. Ya I know you two are together. Everyone does!" And then her beautiful laugh. Marissa looked out the crack between the stall door and the wall and saw Mandy. Her heart stopped. She was in a small room alone with the love of her life. She struggled with herself to remain silent. She balled up her fists to prevent their shaking and dug her nails into the flesh on her hands to keep herself from calling out her love to Mandy. She tried to stand up, but her knees felt too weak under her and she fell right back down. She somehow managed to stand as Mandy went into the stall next to hers. She opened the stall door and quickly walked out toward the sinks. She refixed her makeup, which was horribly smudged from her crying. She couldn't let Mandy see her looking like that. When she was finished, she washed her hands, taking care to take as long as she could so that she could speak to Mandy. Mandy left the stall and stepped up to the sink, standing shoulder to shoulder with Marissa.12

"Hey Mandy! What's up?"
"Oh not much here. You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just... uh... stubbed my toe on the way in here and... yeah."
"Sure you did. Okay, you don't wanna tell me what happened. You look really beautiful tonight."
Marissa couldn't speak. She couldn't breathe. Mandy had just told her she was beautiful!
And Mandy noticed her silence. "You don't have to look so horrified. I wasn't hitting on you. Just a simple compliment."
"I know that. And I wasn't... I mean I... You look absolutely amazing too, Mandy! I didn't mean to... I mean..."
"No I don't. Anyway, I was kidding. I know what you meant. Hey, I'll see you later, right? Or are you gonna be hiding out in here for the rest of the night?"
"Who's hiding? Ya, I'll see you later."
"By the way, you and David? Anything going on between you? A fight or anything? I saw how upset you looked when you came in here. That's why I came in here. I was worried about you."
"You were? I mean... you noticed? I mean, no I was fine. I just... umm... had to go to the bathroom. I wasn't upset. I mean..."
"You don't have to convince me. I believe you. I gotta go before Carie comes in here for me. See ya later!"
"Yeah, bye. See ya later."13

And with that, Mandy left. Marissa leaned against the wall and fell to her knees, completely sobbing. She was shaking and her tears fell all the way down her face to her hands and her dress, marking it with little spots of salty water. Why did Mandy have to call her beautiful? And why in the world did she have to stutter so much? Why did Mandy misinterpret Marissa's silence? She was far from repulsed. Marissa had just passed up the perfect opportunity to tell Mandy how she felt for her14

"Why am I such a coward?" She asked herself aloud. "I could have just said it. She was standing right next to me! Her arm even brushed mine and still I kept my silence."15

She heard the door open again. It was her friend Danielle. "What's taking you so long? David's been freaking out saying that you were missing and since you've been gone twenty minutes... Hey, what's wrong? Don't worry, he's gonna ask you whenever you get back out there... Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Oh, nothing. I uh... Tripped on the way out the door just now and... Hurt my knee. I can't walk in these shoes. I shouldn't have worn them. So ya, seriously Danielle. I'm fine."
"Yeah, I told you not to keep those shoes on. You should have left them with ours! Gosh, Marissa!"
There was a bruise on Marissa's knee from when she slid to the ground after Mandy left. It made her story seem true to someone who's mind was on other things.16

They left the room together and went over to where the teachers were so they could leave Marissa's shoes there. And then, they went to find David. Marissa prayed they wouldn't find him, but her prayers remained unanswered. He was exactly where she'd left him, and when he spotted her, his smile was so bright that it almost made Marissa cringe.17

"Hey Marissa, I was meaning to ask you something. Just think about it before you answer. We've been friends for a long time and... well... What I'm trying to ask you is..." He couldn't get it out of his mouth. He was too nervous. "Willyougooutwithme???"18

She had no idea what he said last. He had shouted something really loudly and it all had slurred together.19

"Umm... What did you say? You said it really fast and..."
"Will you go out with me?"20

Marissa had no idea what to say. She had just caught sight of Mandy watching the scene from nearby, holding someone else's hand. "Umm... Yeah. Of course!"21

He hugged her and she felt sick. And then the song changed. She heard Bon Jovi's song You wanna make a memory . That was the worst time ever for that song. They slow danced and it seemed that the song would never end. She kept looking over her shoulder at Mandy, who was now dancing with some other girl who Marissa didn't know. And it made her feel even worse.22

So now, Marissa and David were a couple. She would just have to move on and forget about Mandy. How hard could it really be? But she had been trying to forget about her for months! He stayed at her side for the rest of the night. And she didn't get to see Mandy again as she had promiced. It was as though Marissa was alone with no one around but David. And that was not a situation she liked the idea of being in.23

Dear Diary, Why did I say yes?! I am so stupid! I'll never even have a chance now. Not that I had much chance to begin with. But anyway, now she will probably never know how I really feel about her! And I'm stuck with David Franklin. Why am I so weak?! I don't get it. I wanted so bad to say no. But I couldn't. Danni left and... no. It's not her fault, it's mine. I am too damn weak. What is wrong with me?! I hate myself so much sometimes! I am so stupid! I gotta go. talk to you later. ~MW~ 24

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Chapter 2 26

It was monday again. As Marissa stepped out of her car, she saw that David was already there. She groaned and her mom asked her if everything was okay. She answered that of course it was. She was just tired. She got out and her mom drove away. She pretended not to see David and walked over toward the band room. He caught up with her immediately. "I shouldn't have said yes" she thought to herself. But it was done. You cannot change the past. They were together.27

He walked her to the band room door and held it open for her. She wished he would leave her alone, just for a minute. She hadn't even had time to think about things since Homecoming.28

She walked over to her chair and set her things down, telling David that she'd meet up with him after her band class. He left after a hug which seemed to last an eternity.29

And then, a second later, Mandy walked in. It was as though the world stopped for Marissa. She spotted Marissa and came over to talk. 30

"So, rumor has it, you and Davie are a couple now... That true?"31

"Umm... Yes, it is. He asked me at Homecoming and I said ya."32

"Oh my goodness! Congradulations! Hey, I gotta go set my stuff down. Talk to you later."33

"Okay, Mandy. Thanks! It was kinda a surprise... I didn't expect him to ask me."34

"You didn't? No offence, but it was kinda obvious wasn't it? He was glued to you all night!"35

Marissa didn't answer. She couldn't. She just smiled and Mandy went over to her seat and began assembling her band folder.36

Waiting for band class was torture. Marissa kept looking over at Mandy, and every time, she would look up at something near her admirer. Marissa was throughly convinced that Mandy knew she was staring at her. But she couldn't help it. She had to find some way to get away from David, end it before she lost the tiny chance of being with the love of her life. She couldn't survive if she lost her.37

The band room slowly filled with people, creating less chance for Marissa to be seen staring. Unbeknownst to Marissa, her friend Danielle had come in the room and noticed.38

"Hey, what're you looking at?" She sat next to Marissa as usual.39

"Huh? What? I'm not... I mean... Nothing." "Wow, someone's jumpy today! I just saw David outside... He noticed too. He said you weren't acting yourself. I thought he was exaggerating, but... Anything you want to talk about?" "I'm fine, Danni. Seriously! Hey, Davie's my first boyfriend... It's kinda weird, you know..." "Of course it's weird. Your first boyfriend and you're fifteen! a little late, don't you think?! Very weird!" "Thanks so much, Danni..." I was saved by the band director stepping up to the podium and asking us why our clarinets weren't out and assembled. It was already five minutes after class started. 40

An hour later, Marissa walked out of the band room with Danni, and almost walked directly into David. So much for not noticing him and getting away. "Hey, Marissa. Are you okay? You seem a little off today, and..." "I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be?" "Sorry... Hey, do you guys know Ryan? No? Marissa, Ryan, Danielle." Marissa finally saw what her friend was staring at. Danni couldn't seem to tear her eyes away from Ryan's face. And vice versa. "Hey, Davie. wanna come to... the... library with me? I have to turn in something. It won't take long." "Uh... Okay. Yeah, sure!" He had clearly noticed his friend's reaction to meeting Danielle. And interpreted it terribly. "Ryan, you okay?" "Yeah, sure I am. Why wouldn't I be?" Danielle disapeared. ~~~~~More Later~~~~~41