porcelain tears

"So what you are saying is I'm too innocent, I said."1

"Basically, you want something safe, something easy....you want me just because you like being seen around with me. You have no idea my favorite color or what I was like as a kid. You don't even want to know either. Sometimes I feel like I'm just there to look pretty."2

I sat down on the bed and absorbed in everything. The hotel room was semi-decent for 40 bucks a night. Her eyes were dry for some reason. I actually expected her to to be the one breaking down, not me.3

"well I'm getting ready for another date later. You don't have to call me. It's not like I expect you to," she said as her hand reached for the doorknob. 4

"No!" I sat up and stared out the window. How come whenever you love someone you naturally want to see them hurt sometimes. I never understood why I wanted to see her cry, maybe I figured that would mean she wasn't an empty person like she believed. I loved the fact that she didn't know what tears were. To her, being sad was a weakness, one she said I was drowning in.5

"May, sit back down, please." I wanted to do anything possible, anything to keep her from taking that step outside, away from our little play world we had so conveniently created. 6

"I just think you are getting too obsessed, too invested in me. It's like your in love, and I don't do love, Jake, and I made that clear."7

Feeling a rage of confusion, I punched the wall breaking my knuckles on my left hand. But the anger was almost like a numbness, I couldn't feel any pain. 8

May seemed scared at my outburst and raced to open the doorknob. I couldn't let her leave. I couldn't. Then where would I go. It's not like people are missing me anywhere. She was the only number in my cell phone. I had depended on her for too long. So I snapped.9

I threw her on the bed and watched her face turn ghostly pale.10

"Jake, what the fuck are you doing. Get off me, now!"11

The more she yelled the more I held her down. It was if an animal had possessed me. She was a frail beauty that I could control. Her
hair smelled sweet for some reason and her lips could not have been more tempting. She was mine.12

I undressed her slowly still screaming and kicking me, it took me a while before I could get her naked. She laid there helpless and I found myself wanting to kiss every inch, every small spot on her body.13

But this time was different. She was no longer looking at me with the same stare. All I could see where tears streaming down her porcelain face. No expression, no lust. 14