Suckily ever after

Once there was a little emo kid who was really, really depressed. He was depressed because he was in love with a hot vampire who didn’t know he existed, who never even looked at him (she couldn’t look at him because of all the hair in front of her face, but he didn’t care.) 1

He got so depressed that he thought about killing himself, but he thought that was too unoriginal. So he showed her he loved her in the only other way her could think of. He walked up to her, slit his wrists, and wrote, “I love you” on his arm in blood. She peered out from behind her veil of black hair and licked the blood off his arm (She told him later that it tasted like chicken). Then, they had a long makeout session. At the end of it, both their faces were covered in his purple lipstick, but neither of them cared. They were in love. 2

Apart from making out, they told each other about their troubles. He told her about how the name his parents had given him made him fit in for life, and how all the other emo boys laughed because his name was Carl. She told him how every time she loved someone, she would get high off their scent and kill and eat them. And for the first time in his life, he had found someone who understood him who wasn’t on narcotics at the time.3

When they were twenty-one, they decided to get married. Everyone from the local gravedigger (his invitation) to her psychotic, mass-murderer half brother sniffled tears of joy as they watched the two walk down the aisle. It was the most blissful/depressing/beautiful/ugly moment that those two had ever had. The only low point was when the priest showed up wearing a crucifix.4

The couple loved their wedding gifts, from his new razorblades to her deluxe copy of the Shining. The reception was great. Apart from the blood pudding (his), there was a small table of drugs where everyone got trippy and the gravedigger tried to hit on her. Her half-brother even kindly showed up with more blood pudding after her family had eaten it all! At about eleven, all the guests just slowly trickled out (well, the cemetery was getting a little dark) except, of course, for her family, who just popped back into their coffins5

And as for the rest of their lives? They got a little black house in the suburbs, raised two kids named Lucifer and Morbidia, and got jobs as funeral directors. 6

And they lived suckily ever after!7