Purgatory

I closed my eyes; it was just a matter of time since everything had faded away. As time stopped, I had no chance to repay my debts, to right my wrongs any more.1

I had caused so much harm to so many people during my lifetime. I had told lies, I had stolen those small unnoticeable goods from the markets and the shops, I had cheated, I had broken so many promises and criticized and backstabbed so many colleagues and friends that it was hard to remember every single thing I did that was sinful.2

Remembering everything would have been a problem if it wasn’t for the fact that everything was carefully written down in the book of life so that I could review in shame, over and over again, all of my deeds. Time, which was of no consequence because it no longer existed as such, was not an excuse to avoid recalling all those bad things that I did, all those good actions that I could have done but never did.3

Every second I had wasted during my life which could have been employed for the greater good, now counted against me. Every minute wasted, now I would have to pay for it here, in the purgatory. If only I could go back.4

The fire and heat that surrounds me are so unbearable yet it seems less than harmful if I compare it to the anguish, misery and shame that engulfs my soul. I dread to think of hell itself, if purgatory is such a painful experience, how much worse would it be, how frustrating and despairing could it be, to know that one would never get out of it at all.5

How could I have done all those bad actions? Why steal when I could have just paid for the items, made them rightfully mine? How could I be such a coward, so many times? I ask myself over and over again how and why I ever did all that. I try to justify my actions, I try to tell myself that the flesh is always weak but I find neither glory nor consolation in the reasons that drove me to commit all these sinister sins.6

I face up to the fact that the purgatory is a place of punishment and torture. A fiery place which I wish I never had to enter in the first place. The only hope I have is the fact that, once my time is up and the debts are repaid through this horrendous suffering, I will certainly enter heaven and all of these horrors will be over. 7

Heaven, an encouraging thought that I can hold onto, certainly the only one I have left. Like a drop of fresh water in the middle of the dry, harsh desert.8

Heaven, the ultimate place of delightful rest where nobody will hold anything against me any more, where my own conscience will be at peace and all these things evil things and punishments will be somehow forgotten, faded away by the happiness that awaits me up there.