Something to Make it Worthwhile

Sometimes I wonder how long I can remain standing when everyone around me has fallen to their knees. In reverence, in surrender, in complete and utter exhaustion "He wouldnt leave me; not for HER."1

A smirk and laughter. Wrong answer, I realize in a flash. "Really? But he WOULD leave you then; just not for her?"2

"That isnt what I meant." He twists my words like wire around themselves; 3

always ensnaring me in technicalities. "Why cant you just let me be happy?"4

A knowing smile, as if this were a rhetorical question I should already know the answer to. "ARE you happy? With him, I mean."5

He reads everything in my split second hesitation, so I rush to cover it with a standard amount of conviction."OF COURSE"6

A touch, so soft against my skin. I want his arms around me, this monster who hates all those I love. "As happy as I could make you?"7

Before I can think, I move away from his fingers, away from his seductive clutches. There's nothing in him that can bring me happiness. Nothing. "Dont touch me like you love me."8

"Love?" More laughter - harsh, like sandpaper against a baby's skin. "Who said anything about love?"9

Goddess, help me, but the darkness in him begs for me to reach out and just TOUCH him... "If not for love, then why are you doing this?"10

The question surprises him and I think I may have let him down. He's expecting something from me; I wish I knew WHAT. "You give me all but a reason why..." He sounds as if he's quoting something. A poem. A song, maybe. "Why is the "why" important?" Something sparks in his eyes, like he has suddenly found something to live for. Or maybe he's found something in me that finally meets his standards. "And why is it that your hopes reside so thoroughly in LOVE?"11

It takes me a minute to sort out the question- it's not what I was expecting. And by the time I do, he's dismissed me. He's given up on what he's looking for in me; whatever it is. There's only one thing I can say to redeem myself. "Everything you are would collapse without love."12

"Is that so?" Soft words, vaguely triumphant. As if he were right about me in some way. "Pray tell, darling."13

My smirk mirrors his earlier one - superior, knowing... so thoroughly pleased with myself that it drives him to the brink of insanity and back. "You dont want to hear what I have to say. You know you dont."14

A pause. Brief but telling. "Perhaps not."15

"So answer me why then. Give me something worthwhile. Give me SOMETHING that doesnt scream of hatred and malice."16

"You know I can't." His laughter claws at my skin, and I want to cover my ears at the sound of it. It's nasty, dripping with sarcasm and thorns that want to destroy me. "Thats all I have."17

I move quickly, pressing my lips against his and breathing him in. Savoring what he was before he disintegrated into something I couldn't touch anymore. Something I couldnt stand to be around. The kiss was all we'd ever have, but in a way it was all he'd wanted from me. I know that. "Give me something before I leave you. Anything to make this worthwhile. You know you need to."18

He ponders a minute and touches his lips as if I had somehow breathed life into him for the very first time. " I dont have anything..."19

Another kiss. Chaste this time. Sweet and innocent. "You just gave me everything I need." 20

We didnt even need a goodbye, that night. Intangible as they were, the gifts we had given each other would last well into eternity.21