♠ [Dad] ♠

Dad.1

He was different.2

Well, for starters, he didn’t sound like any normal person. He sounded … different. All Aussie dads would say, “Heya, mate.”3

He would say, “Hello, John.” In that kind of tinny accent, associated with Europeans or East Asians. I didn’t like that about him.4

From when I was a teenager – growing a beard, getting spots and getting a girl – I used to be slightly ashamed of him. I used to hustle past the introductions to my friends, and would always sit a little apart from him, in the train, on the sidewalk, at a play, wherever.5

Dad was short for his age, semi-bald, with a tuft of white hair, small eyes that crinkled when he smiled and brown skin. I was the opposite, the spitting image of my mother in all but sex – fair, straight wavy hair, hazel eyes, and a slim build that had me popular with the girls in high school. My mother was Australian. My father was of Indonesian-Malaysian ancestry. I have often wondered how they got together.6

He never showed any outward sign that he saw or knew how I reacted to his presence. He would, invariably, try not to embarrass me in public, or in front of my friends – but I was too young and too stupid to recognise what he did for me. I was just thankful that he kept his mouth shut.7

My mates were my mates and they didn’t give me any crap over my Dad and his descent, but somehow I always felt they were laughing at me behind my back. Or not at me, but my father, so indirectly, at me. I envied them their lives. And their Aussie dads, with their barbeques and family gatherings and cookouts and games and fun.8

Their dads were their best friends. My dad was my shame.9

I continued to think like this all through high school and most of my adult life.10

When I announced I wanted to study arts and drama in university, my mother didn’t understand why I would throw away my high scores to do something like this with obviously no future. My Dad, on the other hand, silently said, “Art is a way of expressing your ideals. Let him express himself and be himself and see others for what they are.”11

I didn’t fully get that – but I kind of got the hint of his hurt, hurt at how I treated him and never acknowledged him, my subtle racist attitude toward my own father.12

I put the question to my mom – how did you hook up with this man? She replied – “Love.” She went on to explain that my father was a wonderful person inside, and had the kindest heart. She chastised me for my attitudes. I looked at her with disappointment.13

I had my prom the next month. To my father’s slight hurt, the after ball was held at a mate’s house. Though mine was the best choice for a crowd that big. I didn’t even acknowledge him, only with a nod, and skated past the whole introducing my date to my Dad thing.14

I got through school and discovered a new talent, writing, and as my uni days went by, I wrote poems, plays, and short stories. I took a shot at writing a novel. My work was published in the school newspaper, and read by many and praised by all.15

I thought I had this down pat. I wrote passionate poems and moving plays, engaging stories. I read Shakespeare, Poe, Hughes, Chaucer, and Tennyson. I wrote some more.16

Then, two years before I graduated from uni, my father died of a heart attack. It was expected, people told me. The man had a weak heart.17

The thing was – I didn’t know. Hadn’t known.18

As I stepped up to the coffin and looked at him, I felt a strange mixture of revulsion, pity, and relief.19

He still looked … foreign. I swore at myself for dishonouring him in death. I was relieved that my embarrassment was gone. 20

Maybe that day, I had signed my own warrant to hell.21

Two years later, I was clearing out his old stuff, that mom had put in boxes. Random checkbooks, pieces of scribbled writing, pictures and faded photographs. The stuff an old man keeps. And the stuff I didn’t want. I sat by the fire, and threw all his dusty relics in, and watched them burn.22

Then I came across a piece of paper with verses on it.23

The dawn rises, and the sun is red,
I don’t want to rise from my bed.
The life that awaits me is far too tough,
The silver lining I see needs a strong buff.24

I read on.25

His face is fair,
Like silk is his hair,
Eyes hazel and reflective,
Not a single trait in him is defective.
My son, born of me,
Now grown up, and breaking free.26

Those may not be that remarkable, but they stopped me short. I never knew he knew that much English. And those lines were – were beautiful. Much more than anything I had written. He, never having read Shakespeare or all the things I prided myself on, had written these lines which expressed feelings in such a raw manner.27

Suddenly I was angry, at myself, but at him the most.28

Angry that he had still beaten me in death – humiliated me over something I thought I was good at. Even in death, you shame me.29

I threw all the papers into the fire, and watched the fire greedily lap up the paper, curling its edges, eating away, leaving only black ash behind.30

“Hun?” My mom came in. “What is that you’re burning?”31

I looked at the fire. 32

"Rubbish.”33

****34

Author notes

Constructive Crit - if you don't feel like telling me how awesome it was.

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 57 of 57

  • CutsThatDontBleed
    October 18

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    This I can sort of relate too. My my father is alive, he hates me as I hate him and he is an embarrassment to me. he's a horrible father. this story was very touching, moveing, creative and thoughtful story. It was fantastic.


  • iDifferent-
    June 25

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    Though I can't relate to this piece, it was a wonderful write. I am not embarrassed by my dad- rather, I am glad that he, of all people, is my father. I don't think I could get used to somebody else. I'm far too shy.

    The emotion shows mixed feelings, which are often felt around people you are uncomfortable around. I've always felt this mix of dislike and fear around my mother's boyfriend... I don't see him in my future.

    The poem at the end gave me the thought of change. I believed that the narrator would come to like his father after reading the poem. I was surprised that the poem had only made him angrier.

    I was surprised that the mother didn't scorn the narrator more. I was even more surprised that the father's hurt didn't touch the narrator's heart more. This piece is altogether surprising. Even after the death of the father, the narrator was disgusted.

    Altogether a wonderful write, I believe I shall read more.

    Sincerely,
    RayneFall


  • GrimDeath
    February 3
    Edit | Reply
    Very deep and emotion that I love that run through out this story. You expressed the feeling wonderful and smoothly. Great Job! Thank you for entering my contest and Good Luck!
    -Grim


  • Renevelant.Feather
    January 30

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    Hm. I like this entry aside the others. It's an excerpt that describes emotions and explains everything about the well written characteristics.

    The ending was sad, but encouraged - inspired me. Thank you for entering and I wish you luck in the contest. =]


  • Dreama
    January 29

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    insightful and well written, you described the emotions well and i enjoyed reading this in a weird way. thanks for entering


  • Savage
    January 22

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    This was brilliant! The feelings got across, and I can't believe that guys could be so horrible! (Guys as in people, )


  • beerstorecowboy
    January 16

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    I totally appreciate your arrogance. I feign modesty. We are cut from the same cloth.

    Anyway, this is a good story. Some of the verbiage could certainly be improved with a rewrite or two, but definitely a good story. The word "mate" is a little repetitive, though.

    The character's emotions are difficult to read at times. He seems to regret neglecting his father, then the next second he is disgusted by him. I came out of it confused about how this guy really feels.

    I feel like there was no catharsis. That might have been your intention, but the story seems to lend itself to an emotionally gratifying ending that never comes.

     


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    January 16

    Edit | Reply

    this piece is so darn emotional, with a personal flair that I felt like an intruder.

    Hi, Randy you’re ‘Hoodwinked’ well anyway you’re read.

    Normally I’m an editing freak, but this piece is so darn emotional, with a personal flair that I felt like an intruder.

    The writing is smooth and easy to follow; the narrator reawakens feelings and memories of our own relationship with our parents .

    Perhaps one day when the law catches up with science allowing ‘Designer Babies’ or Infants can convince God to let them choose their own ‘bloodline’ the wretched idea of tolerating and making excuses for family members with become archaic .

    Anyway while we humans continue to blunder along reproducing in our haphazard way, a story like this will twinge at our hearts and cause tears in our eyes. And tommorrow we will promptly forget our promises to ourselves...

    "We have to visit... oh I forgot--that meeting, joey's game, sally's play..."

    Geri

    beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5.


  • Matt Coggan
    January 13

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    Dad was short for his age, ((this statement is somewhat redundant as I’m assuming he was long past the age where he was still growing, such a phrase would normally be applied to a youth, child or at most teenager) You could leave it at - Dad was short, or even Dad had always been short for his age.)

    fair, straight wavy hair, (is this a contradiction in terms?)

    Right now that that is out of the way, it is time to extol praise on this most heart-wrenching of pieces. Firstly is this autobiographical??? I myself often think of things I have said or done, or even things I should have said and done but never took the time, to my family and friends. I am hit by tsunamic waves of nausea and guilt for so many things and the people involved are (mostly) still alive. It is pieces like this that remind me to make piece with people whilst I still can!!!

    The entirety of this piece had me in goose-pimples, a tear almost graced my eyes, maybe would have shed a few if I was not working in a crowded office

    It is not the most descriptive piece of writing, nor is your choice of lexis anything special, all this is immaterial however as what you have written is a piece that exudes raw emotion, honesty and in the words of those lame-ass MTV rappers - you are keeping it real!

    Great work my friend and if this is true, try to live your life in a way that would be making your father proud and he will be watching from the celestial ether with a smile!


  • Just Breathe.
    January 12
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    I've commented on this before, I know. But still, this is a wonderful peice you have here. It's very heart felt and I could feel the emotion out of it. It is also very sad. This is really an amazing peice. Great job and good luck in my contest.


  • sodancewithsoda silver member
    January 11

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    =(

    Wow.. wow good, wow bad.. and I honestly don't want to say so much, since I might be saying too much. This has a personal feeling to it - which is why I don't want to let out too many words, since I fear that if this IS indeed something personal and written from the heart, there is a huge chance I might offend you.

    I did like how you told this, it ate me whole and I felt like I was IN the story, rather than just a reader...

    I'll just go now, and just thank you for sharing this piece. I can relate to it in some ways. Again, many thanks


  • DoozerDan silver member
    January 9

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    Wow...

    Just... wow...

    I've seen this story around but only just read it. It is incredible. So sad, so well written. It seems incredible that know how much his father cared for him he still hated him.

    I very well written piece, you convey the emotion in it so well, the characters are so real. Bravo!


    • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ
      January 9
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the comments and applause Dan.

      • DoozerDan silver member
        January 9
        Edit | Reply
        No worries, RJ. You were on the list for hoodwinking so I thought it was high time I actually read and commented on some of one of my biggest fan's stories.

  • faeriestone
    January 2

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    Such a sad story! All those memories discarded as if they were of no consequence. What could he have learned about his father from these things, his childhood, games he played, people he'd loved and lost!

    Poignant and heart-wrenching!

    Great write!


    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • beezy92
    January 2

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    Well done. This was exactly what I meant...realistic and connecting and really well-written. Is this fiction? If so, hats off to you, if not, I can relate.

    "Or not at me, but my father, so indirectly, at me. I envied them their lives. And their Aussie dads, with their barbeques and family gatherings and cookouts and games and fun." I can share that sentiment, at least partially. I'm not embarrassed by my mother (though God knows she tries ) but I do envy my friends their normal parents who give them rides, buy their clothes, buy their food, step up to volunteer at their extracurriculars. So many people take their parents for granted.

    "When I announced I wanted to study arts and drama in university, my mother didn’t understand why I would throw away my high scores to do something like this with obviously no future." I almost feel like you know me. Again, this is the case with my mother and I.

    Anyway thanks for the great read, this was exactly what I wanted. (: Finalist list.


  • Just Breathe.
    December 13, 2008
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    This is really sad, touching, well written. I love this story, it's wonderful! Great job!


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    November 8, 2008
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    Hi

    This story is being considered for inclusion in a Storywrite anthology we hope to publish. If you would like this story to be considered, please apply to this group:

    http://storywrite.com/group/info/Storywrite%20Anthology%20Volume%20One?stay=1

    Andy


  • tallblondie gold member
    October 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I remember reading for another of my contests. Though reading it for a second time, I still liked how you portrayed the conflict of emotion in the central character.

    Thank you for your entry in Share the Spoils.


  • Bernice DeLucchi gold member
    October 22, 2008

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    Goodness me, this is such a touching story! Is it true? Doesn't make it any less emotive if it isn't. I understood to some extent what you were trying to convey about the 'differences' of your dad, to your mates' dad's as I come from South Africa, where this type of 'thing' played itself out so many times under the apartheid government - and still is today in some instances. If someone was a darker shade in complexion or their hair was crinkly or their nose was a little too broad and wide, well you can imagine. Having said all that, I think you wrote this very well, without being soppy.

    Regards
    Bernice DeLucchi

  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    October 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Very Good Story!

    Is this a true story? You express the feelings of the young man toward his father and his mother well. I think my attitude when I was a teenager toward my parents was superior or perhaps indifferent.

    It seems that now the young man is experiencing pain and regret at not really knowing or appreciating his father.

    Thanks for entering Exceptional Stories To Be Published.

    Andy

    • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ
      October 14, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Thanks very much, Andy. (It's based on a true account my friend shared wih me a while ago. Bascially, it's a representation of his feelings and attitude at the time. He never got the chance to make up with his father, as you can see.)


  • Valkyrie silver member
    October 10, 2008

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    Awww...I adore Australians, but then, I adore anyone not plain old American, so I would have though your dad was tops. I hate it when time gets the better of us. That lack of psychic ability really chafes. Regret is one of the emotions I hate the most.

    P15 "I wrote poems and plays, and short stories" - I think you could drop that first and, replace with a comma

    in your dad's poem, sliver = silver

    Otherwise, very polished and dramatic with the sentences and paragraphs.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very good job. i like this story. It was very well written. great job and thanks for entering the contest.

    -LostSoul


  • disturbed-dreamer
    September 19, 2008

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    Wow. I like this a lot.

    The story's plot was not predictable and pretty interesting. For one, I thought the narrator would feel bad about not caring for his dad...though, in the end you can see that he is clearly angry and ashamed.

    There were a few grammar mistakes, nothing major. Overall, it was a good, quick read.


  • LittleMissChrissie
    September 19, 2008

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    A very, very moving and well-written story. I loved it and it made me cry, which was exactly what I asked you to do, so kudos. I could really feel the way the son and the father felt throughout the whole story. What a very, very talented writer you are. God, I'm still getting teary just remembering it. Was it based on a true story?

    There were no grammatical or spelling errors, so far as I could see, so well done!

    Best of luck in the contest!

    Chrissie


  • Kirin
    August 31, 2008

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    Wow. Beautiful story. Very moving. I loved it. If this is based on a true story, I'm sorry for the person, but more for his father. Wonderfully written. Simple but effective poems. On the whole, nice work. Keep writing!!


  • zoralielda
    July 17, 2008
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    story is good but exceeded the word limit.


  • WhiteLight15
    July 7, 2008

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    I really liked this work.

    Everything is described well, and i could find no spelling errors

    I enjoyed reading it

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • bird-mad girl
    July 7, 2008

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    This piece reminded me a lot of Big Fish. Which you should take as compliment because it's one of my favorite books and movies. Only, your piece didn't have such a happy ending. I still liked it none the less! I thought it was raw, tormenting, and moving. I feel torn after reading this piece, and it is an agonizing tear. I also thought the way it ended on the one word just fueled that rip I felt while reading this. It's sad but also understanding, and I don't know how to develop on my thoughts of understanding because it just is the way it is.

    This was a fantastic read.

    <3

  • Rovingone
    July 6, 2008

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    If this was an autobiographical piece, I feel sorry for the turnout of the relationship between your father and yourself. I was totally engrossed in this writing and I always enjoy stories written about families or about parents especially. I believe your father must have been a very good man. It's unfortunate he was a stranger to you all through your life.


  • BruisedConfessions
    July 5, 2008

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    wow this was a really moving piece. it has all the right kinds of intensity in it. the poem was short but yes as you said it, it delivered a lot. you're a great writer and now you have me as your fan! great work, keep it up!


  • Adelaide Blood
    July 4, 2008

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    Deep and with emotion, but it didn't leave me thinking; it was only a story with nothing to analyze or think about, frying my mind until I come to a conclusion. It was well written and descriptive, and I loved that about the story, especially the imagery you provided. Thank you for the entry!

  • cheetahgal
    July 4, 2008
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    beautiful. your dad was an amazing poet. the ending left us hanging, but deep. great job!


  • Missi
    June 25, 2008

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    This is so beautiful, I loved the poem.. I wonder if you made it.
    Your a fantastic writer, you wrote with emotion and it was very sad.
    I loved this

    I Hope you continue this.. If not its still AMAZING!

    -Missi

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Tomereader
    June 19, 2008

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    I found this piece well written but incredibly sad. As a dad I get to know what my children's opinion of me is. Most of the time negative comments are shrugged off but occasionally, in an unguarded moment a word will get through like a homing missile and will explode within causing a pain like no other. This however is a dad's lot, it is in the job description. Even as adults when we think of our parents it is filtered to a certain extent through the eyes of the child who grew up with them and it is a high level of wisdom to understand this, accept it and see through it. I liked this narrative because it touched me emotionally and also made me think. Thank you for writing it.

  • Done
    May 19, 2008

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    This is very sad, Randy.

    My Dad too had no pop. He hunched, he was very humble, but he was funny as hell in a very corny way that had people loving him in a very subtle way for what he was: a quiet man with a wry sense of humor. He was a master at the snicker and could get a roomful snickering with his one liners muttered under his breath. His fashion sense was horrid and he let people walk on him which I always hated being as how he was a big man. He hadn't an athletic bone in his body which was odd with his brood of athletes. He just loved us for what we were and let us be what we wanted to be. He was a quiet man. He didn't radiate power. My mother did, but she missed the heart behind the power, something my father always understood. And as I grew older I loved him for everything that he was, and forgot what he wasn't.

    I liked the honesty in this, Randy, but I was very saddened by it. Your father's poem was teriffic and simply bled love for you. I found it ironic how you took offense at it and burned it. I was very saddened by the irony in this piece. Was that your intent? Because it worked.

    You write well, Randy. The flow was clear and moved along nicely. I could see your character portraits clearly and understood the underlying drama. This was good. I was simply saddened by the sentiments.

    Is this a for real piece? And if so, has this come to a resolution? Those were the questions that plagued my mind as I read this.

    al


  • WillyLee
    May 17, 2008

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    I enjoyed reading (and re-reading) this story. It could be about the rivalry between father and son, accepting one's self, finding identity. It could be about a lot of things. It is somewhat ambiguous and unresolved, like life. I wonder if the son's burning the poem might constitute some sort of an unwilling or unintended tribute to his father. He did, after all, remember every word of the poem, which in a way is better than saving the poem in a shoe box and then forgetting it. A very well written, evocative and provocative piece. It could be expanded to explore the father/son relationship in more detail, but for 800 words, it says a lot. It is going to be hard for me to select only three stories from the many wonderful submissions that have already been entered in this contest. Thank you for entering!


  • Amicus2K9
    May 9, 2008

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    Fathers and Sons....

    It is somewhat different with daughters, but just as awful; one begins to wonder why one invested in children in the first place.

    Chuckles...

    There was a time, perhaps still, in a few odd places, where a father could pass on to a son that which he had learned and acquired in life. As man moved off the land and acquired other skills than tending land and animals, it became and becomes more difficult to transfer a lifetime of knowledge and experience to a son or daughter.

    And by the time the offspring begin to realize what treasures and dreams may be(movie), it is often far too late to retrieve them.

    Very nice, thoughtful, sensitive piece, thank you for the visit.

    Amicus...


  • lilmissgiggles
    May 5, 2008

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    wow. This was intense. I do not get along with my father, but this almost makes me want to remedy it as i was sickened by the lack of any connection to the father that tried so hard and cared so much. Well done. Very smoothly written and great flow from start to finish. Simple and to the point, yet you can fully put yourself in the boys place and feel what he does. Great write

  • WillyLee
    May 5, 2008
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    A truly touching story. The comment that his dad makes, "Let him. . .see others for who they are" is particularly interesting, given the rest of the story. There is a lot of subtle stuff going on here, and I like that kind of writing, the ambiguity and complexity of truth and heart. A lot of writers would have tried to make the father's poem more sophisticated, to showcase the author's poetry skills, but you wrote it just the way a nonliterary person would write it, and that is effective and elevates the emotional impact of the poem. Nice work.


  • JimZombie gold member
    May 3, 2008

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    This is really sad and so dignified and subtle. I was repulsed by the young characters feeling towards his own father but I get that his feelings since then have changed. I feel great pitty for the older retrospective character. I liked how you didn't explicitly spell out the final thoughts of the character but left them as an unspoken but vivid expression. Very well written.


  • J.R. Coleman
    May 2, 2008

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    OUCH! I could never be that mean to my dad, he's British and has an accent and all that, but to ignore him in public? Anyways, fabulous write.

    xoxo julia


  • Miss Belligerence
    May 2, 2008

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    ouch, this was pretty intense. It made me think about my relationship with my father because he's got a southern accent and refuses to use proper grammar and it drives me insane.
    the emotion was very real in this. great job
    -gibson

  • tallblondie gold member
    May 2, 2008
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    I could see your character's inner turmoil personified by his relationship with his father - wavering between wanting to hate him, and the tiny belief that his father meant something more.

    Thank you for your entry and and good luck!


  • SimplyTaylor
    April 27, 2008

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    I'm left with the impression that both you and your character are confused. It's such an honest portrayal of defiance, anger, embarrassment, and sadness. Whatever catharsis is evoked for you in these words seems so necessary.

    And, you know, keep writing!


  • WhatALovelyDay silver member
    April 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    awwhh... that's uber sad. I have to say, though, I kind of liked it that the father wrote better and got the son mad- kind of like revenge. Kind of like he gave the final blow.... he won. Idk. It just kindo f gave me a sense of justice. I really really liked this, I might read it again sometime soon


  • Andrew Timothy
    April 23, 2008

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    Hmm...

    So the boy... realized that he had done wrong, but he didn't care? He treated the father like crap (even though the father, admittedly, didn't seem to do much to reverse this or come to terms - nor did the son try to do so), realized that his father cared about him, then burnt a poem that gave evidence of it - possibly the only evidence.

    Well, you're giving me mixed messages here. What? Is it to remain adverse? cope with rejection? patch things up, yet don't?

    It's a moving piece, but I'm unsure of what it moved...

    Thank you for entering and good luck.

    PS - a couple sentences could use a bit of polishing.

  • anntt
    April 23, 2008
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    Great story! Wow! I loved it.

  • Writing0Freedom
    April 22, 2008

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    Wow, this is really sad. It was very unpredictable because I really expected them to be ok and talk at some point. This was touching and moving and so heartbreaking. It makes me feel pity for the son and the pain of the dad. I liked the theme that the mother loved him and didn't care about anything else. This is a very strong piece and it really did hit me in the heart! You did a wonderful job of giving the reader a window into the character and I really did feel what the character felt.
    Wow!
    Good write!
    WritingFree


  • Starlight-Kisses
    April 21, 2008

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    wow well done i liked it it was really good but wow i didn't think anyone could detest their dad that much i almost feel sorry for the dad oh well dog seems to be the most popular animal here *sighs* oh well nice job and good luck


  • Paragonz Shadow
    April 20, 2008
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    Nice job! Very powerful emotions, and very easy to relate to. Good job.


  • Naive.
    April 20, 2008
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    Very powerful.

    I loved this. In my opinion, the ending was AMAZING. I love the raw emotions and descriptions, and I love your honesty towards the end. Wonderful job!

    -jj


    • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ
      April 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much.

      Based on a true experience,. would you believe?


      • Naive.
        April 21, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        True experiences are the best to read about, in my opinion.

        -jj


  • Aaez
    April 19, 2008

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    Wooo...someone is angry...-__-
    Lol, nice job Randy...you never cease to amaze me. It's a great story...really intense..i liked it.

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