Death at a Funeral

The wind blew through my knee length black dress, it was nearly spring so it wasn’t that cold, but I still wore my big black woolly jacket, it felt so safe and warm. I didn’t want to go back inside, they would all stare at me, just like they did my sisters and brothers, sighing as I heard my name being called again I turned to go face the stares of all those people and there fake smiles. Slowly walking towards the door I tried hard to make the tears come, to show all the emotion I had inside, but there was nothing, no tears came and I stood at the steps of the church wondering to myself if this was real or just a horrible dream. 1

I don’t know how long I had been standing there before I felt the warmth through my jacket, looking up I tried hard to find the words, to let them slip through my lips, to let her know I was okay but nothing came. She stood there, her hand still on my shoulder, her worried eyes looking straight into mine, searching for an answer, but there was nothing. 2

She was shaking but she still grasped me, trying to let me know she would be there for me, I could feel her shaking, she was worried, scared for me. I tried hard to open my mouth and answer the obvious question but I didn’t know what to say, was I okay? Could I really handle being alone? Then it was plainly clear to me, how could I answer her questions when I had no answer. Was I okay with his death, now that it had finally come, after all the fights, the heartache, could I really live without my father? 3

Looking down she took her hand off me, I suppose she was tired of staring, maybe she was worried that I had no emotion shown on my face or in any of my body language, maybe she was scared that I really wasn’t sorry for his death, maybe.4

Then came the question in my head, was I? Thinking, I had always wanted to live on my own, become independent. But is this was had to happen for me to get what I want? For his life to be taken.5

I could hear the music playing now, slowly I walked through the double doors, Helena following me as I walked down the long, empty hallway. Everyone was sitting down as we walked in the room, it was kind of full and I didn’t know where I should sit. Spotting two empty seats I went for them, that was when my sister saw me, signalling me to come over to her, I looked down and ignored her. 6

As Helena sat down next to me she took my hand in hers, I didn’t know if it was to comfort me or to comfort herself. 7

The music finally stopped and my oldest brothers got up to speak, it looked weird, him wearing a black suit, 8

“My father was a good man-“ his words came across so clear to reach my ears that I couldn’t stand it, I got up and walked out the door, luckily nearly no one noticed. 9

I was walking down the hall when I realised Helena still gripped my hand tightly, I stopped and she stood next to me, 10

“Audrey?” she whispered my name, as if she was afraid I would hear it, I took a deep breath before answering, 11

“All I can smell is old people” my voice was not shaky or upset in anyway, it was normal as if nothing bad had happened, following my remark was silence, the awkward type when no one can find the right words. 12

I broke the silence, pulling my hand from hers I walked out of the church and down the road, looking for the right street to walk down, I didn’t know where I was going, I no longer had a home, a father to run to when I need help, so I just kept walking, not knowing and not really caring where I was going.13

It had already been half an hour when the thought crossed my mind, she hadn’t come after me, she hadn’t even tried to stop me, none of them did. The ceremony would probably already be over and no one had gotten in their car to come find me. That’s when I felt the sting in my chest, the hurt and the feelings of betrayal. 14