I can take it no longer
You've used up my might
I just want to kill you
I want to do it tonight1
Your voice is like nails
On the chalkboard of my brain
I want to slit your throat
And end this pain2
The very image of your face
It brings back memories I'd rather forget
Of hatred and rage and most of all fear
Of the things I would do to you, on that you can bet3
The things that you do
simply drove me insane
I tried to resist
But alas it was in vain4
Now that I've ended it
I feel like a burdens been lifted
Basking in the blood
My mind suddenly shifted5
Realization hitting of what I've just done
He didn't deserve to die, he wasn't all bad
Now I must end myself.
I'm so sorry Dad.
Author notes
I sometimes feel like this with a lot of people, but I never really WANT them to die... I just want them to go away for a while. I think everyone feels that way about at least one person.
Comments
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All in all very good for a first try. I have a couple of suggestions, just flow-wise...
In the first stanze, second line, it might sound better if you say 'No more can I fight' and in the fourth line say 'End it tonight'
For the second stanza 'Your voice like nails, on a chalkboard brain, pushes me to slit your throat, finally end this pain'
Third stanza: 'You bring memories to mind, that I'd rather forget, hatred; rage; fear, you aren't clear of me yet'
Fourth: 'Each action; each word, simply drove me insane, I tried to resist, alas effort in vain.'
Fifth: 'It's finally over, my burden is lifted, but basking in blood, my mind's quickly shifted.'
Sixth: 'Sinking realisation, undeserved fate for one not all bad, now turn the knife to myself, I'm so sorry Dad'.
I don't usually give such a comprehensive edit, but I really liked this, and even if you don't use all my suggestions, have a look at the way yours flows and then the one I edited flows. My edit is far from perfect, but I think it is a step in the right direction. Good luck with a redraft - it is an extremely good start
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Very cool. But like dark-fanties said. I was a little lost around then i didn't know where you were really going with it because it seemed like more then one person. But you dont have to worry about rhymeing. Poms dont always have to rhyme.
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Interesting dark poem. The first two stanzas flowed terrificly, but the flow was lost in the third stanza. In the fourth stanza you switched tenses, and I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it really broke the flow of the poem. But apart from the broken flow, this was a good poem to read.
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Luvyas
I want to kill my sister sometimes - ALMOST literally ..... I liked this poem. *_~
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Wow, full of intense, powerful emotions! Very good job!
*KAT*
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Don't worry so much about rhyming. I find that too many people who want to write poetry get stuck on rhyming and syllable count or whatnot, to the detriment of the actual poem. Concentrate on expressing your emotions in a concise, vivid way. Once you've got that down, *then* you should try to work on getting used to expressing yourself that way and rhyming at the same time. Too much of your effort seems to have gone into making the concepts you want to express rhyme rather than saying them in an interesting or compelling way, which is what your first priority should be.
Good luck! -
Hmmm......
No mystery here, the subject couldn't be plainer. I just wonder if a little more adjustment to the rhythm of the poem would give it slightly more balance. I hold my hands up and tell you I'm no poet, but I searched for a bit of coherence in the way it was put together. As I say, the subject is plain. The ending was right there with the punch line. But it felt a little like a real rush job. Try reading it aloud and see if you agree.beginning: 3, language: 2, ending: 4.
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wow. This is really different. I do know how you feel, though. Good job
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Yeah, I don't really like dark poetry in any form, but I was trying to come up with something and I could only think of really annoying things and so I got this.
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well, great job!
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