The Yin and Yang of Violet Han

1

Violet sat in the kitchen of her house, waiting for her mom to come downstairs so they could start making dinner. She’d already changed out of her super-thick at the joints school cloths into dirty clothes. She looked at the list of foods and utensils her mom had put out for her. Everything needed for making meatballs, meat sauce, pasta, and fruit salad. She checked the list again, to see if she had missed anything. Looking down, she saw that “knife” was missing from the list of utensils. She knew, like a first grader knows, that for chopping you needed a knife. Her mom didn’t want her to cut anything, but jeez, this was kind of far, not letting her touch knives. Violet, still sitting, reached for the handle of the utensils cabinet. She opened it and pulled out a knife. Experimentally, she gripped it in her hand, pretending to cut something with it. It was a weird feeling. 2

“Violet? What are you holding there?”3

Violet dropped the knife back into the cabinet and turned to face her mom. 4

“I was holding one of the long forks, trying to see how to use it.”5

Her mother stared into her eyes, trying to piece together Violet’s lie and what it meant. Violet stared back, than turned to the food in front of her. 6

“Why, why don’t I put the water on?” She asked 7

“Go ahead, honey.”8

Violet walked over to the burners, burning every step. Why couldn’t her mother just calm down and relax? What did she think she would do, stab herself? She wasn’t three or stupid. 9

“So mom, Blair is coming for dinner, okay?” She felt kind of bad for springing that fact on her mom ten minutes before Blair arrived, but she needed to feel defiant and rebellious in some way. Needed to know that in some way, she could twist her mom into some, small things. 10

“Yes, dear, that’s quite alright.”11

It was a sneaky, cruel kind of pleasure, but it was still there. 12

After dinner, Violet grabbed Blair and pulled her into her room, whispering “Major news.” Sitting on Violet’s bed, feet on the super-cushioned floor, Blair adjusted herself so her shirt didn’t ride up. She was wearing a jean skirt with flimsy tights and a thin cotton skirt. Violet faced her, in jeans and a sweatshirt, complete with out-of-work-professor-pads at the joints13

Violet looked up, skirt in place.” So what was this major news?”14

Violet , on the other side of the bed, squirmed a little, than said: “I picked up a knife. A sharp one.”15

“Violet, you idiot!” Blair said, half laughing. “You know your mom would freak!”16

“I know. But she’s way overreacting. This girl I talked to, online? Her parents were really understanding. They let her cut her cut things all the time, they trusted her!”17

“Oh Violet, it’s not that, you know that! She just wants to take care of you, to protect you!”18

Violet stared at Blair, thinking how to try to commute the thousands of feelings she had inside her into words. She could only manage a couple.19

“It’s hemophilia. Not death. I’ve almost never bled because of something I did. Only once or twice. Jeez, Blair, you’re acting just like her.” As the words came out of her mouth, Violet regretted them. Even she knew that she couldn’t run the “I’m sick with a rare disease so pity me” routine that far. It didn’t make up for her being a complete and total jerk.20

“I’m so, so sorry.” She gasped, sacrificing her last breath for her friend.21

Blair sighed. Than, in a voice that Violet had only heard once or twice before, said: “Maybe your mom thinks the reason you don’t get hurt is because of the rules Maybe,” she raised her own voiceover Violet’s protesting one, “maybe she thinks she’s helping keep you safe.” 22

“But that’s stupid!” Violet burst out, unable to retrain herself. “I’ve broken her rules before! I went ice-skating and tubing and even played field hockey and nothing had happened!”23

“Keep your voice down!” Blair commanded. In the same, different tired voice as before, she said: “She doesn’t know about those times. Can I say somethingelse?”24

Violet leaned back. “Anytime.”25

“Maybe your mother needs to think that she’s saving you. I mean, you told me that, when she and your dad were fighting, she said that she felt guilty about having you, about having a kid with hemophilia. ”26

Violet looked up at her ceiling, to try and tilt her tears back into her eyes. She remembered that conversation, the little kid thrill of a secret. Back then, she hadn’t fully understood what it meant. Back then, it was a secret. Now it hurt.27

“You-you mean to s-say that my-” she faltered, going down fighting in her battle with tears. “You mean to say that, my, my mother feels b-bad about my existence?” She poured it out, waiting to hear how Blair could respond. Before she heard words, she felt Blair, hugging her, keeping her tight.28

“I would never, never say anything like that.” She said, putting Violet’s eyes on the same level as her own. “I meant to say, and my communication skills are really bad, that maybe your mother blames herself for your disease, and so she’s trying to make up for it, in any way she knows how. Maybe—maybe you should let her think that, think that you need her to cope. Besides, you know your parents were fighting over anything they could. ”29

Violet wiped her eyes. “I can’t live like this; I can’t be Lane and hide my life.”30

Blair laughed. “Lane?” 31

“Gilmore Girls.”32

“So tell her.”33

Violet sat up. “I thought you just told me not to tell her,” she challenged.34

Blair shrugged. “You just said, it’s your life .I have to get home, but see you tomorrow at 7:30 to cram for the English quiz?”35

“Yep. Bye. Thanks for being here.”36

She heard Blair walk out, heard her say “Thank you, Mrs. Han. Dinner was lovely, but I have to go study for the English quiz.”37

She also heard a small:” Good bye, Blair.”38

The door shut and she heard her mother on the stairs. Her mom, all five feet five of her, stood in the door. “Hey there, kiddo. Can I come in?”39

“Sure.”40

Her mother came in and sat down on Violet’s bed. Violet made room, but not quite enough. They sat there, Violet leaning against a wall and her mother sitting straight. 41

“Violet, I need you to listen to what I’m going to say. I know I’ve made rules for you, rules that are hard and fast. I made them because I care. I only realized recently, though; that you really have been great about this condition that we’re in.”42

Violet suddenly remembered how she could hear every word of Blair’s and her mother’s exchange. Shoot, shoot, shoot. 43

“You heard?”44

“All I heard,” her mother said, looking straight ahead, “was that you think I don’t trust you. That you’ve never done anything to distrust you, but I do, as you rather loudly shouted at Blair. I didn’t hear the rest, but I’m sure there was more. ”45

Violet sighed. The worst was still secret. “That was the bulk of it,” she said. A little lie to protect someone, as Blair had said.46

Her mother looked at her. “I do credit my rules a little for how lucky we’re been.”47

Violet sighed; they were back at square one. 48

“However,” her mom said. “You have been incredibly good. We can, negotiate some, if that would make you any happier. ”49

Violet smiled, then leaned against her mother. The worst was over. That she was sure of.50