SR Murders-8

SR Murders1

By Andy Stephenson and Geri Fitzsimmons2

Chapter Eight3

The easy camaraderie at Mallory’s that night quickly drifted away into a serious conversation between Doctor Neil Harris and Detective Joe Farley. Huddled at a rear table, viewed through a hazy atmosphere of dull lighting enhanced by cigarette smoke, the two friends were nearly invisible from the bar area.4

Neil confided, “ I called the Crisis Line and spoke with a supervisor. I was told that the information about their success rate was not shared with the public." Neil had just polished off a corn beef on rye. He washed the remains down with a rare beer. 5

“Beer, lad?” Joe shook his head. He felt justified in kidding the Doc about the beer. This was the first time Joe had seen Neil drink alcohol before a show.6

“Seems to fit with corn beef and horseradish. Those names I found online… Mark refused to release the tapes for those dates.”7

"Don’t sweat it. We already have them.” Joe assured him. “I figured you were on to something so I did some digging myself. In the past six months there have been ten women who have overdosed on medication. These women died from the same drug and had similar amounts of it in their systems. In a city smaller than New York it would have caught attention much faster. We have you to thank. The Baine investigation has been upgraded to a possible serial murder investigation." 8

"Serial Murder?" Now that Joe had named it, Neil was tempted to order another beer. Then thought better of it and waved Sandy back when the waitress started for their table.9

"Yes, wholesale suicide using the same method seems very unlikely. Something else is going on."10

“Were the women ill, perhaps with debilitating or end stage diseases?”11

Joe shrugged, “No connection there. They were young, fairly healthy women. Depressed, maybe, but then who isn’t?12

“We’ll get as much info together as we can in the next few days. Then the Chief will bring it to the Mayor’s attention. Probably setup a taskforce.” Joe was already anticipating the part he would get to play. 13

"Do you think you can find who's behind this?"14

"Well, Doc, that’s if there is someone behind it, you've provided our best lead. Apparently they all contacted the Crisis Line before they made their final decision. At least four were referred from your station." 15

Referred from his show, damn, he should have been allowed to talk with them…not on the air but he could have suggested a later session.16

After the conversation with Joe Farley, Neil Harris drove to the station fully intending to brace Mark Gheil with the information he’d learned from the Detective. If his show was going to continue, they were going to make some changes. He’d been mentally practicing his arguments all the way in.17

He’d entered through the rear door, and was completely thrown off his game as he found himself confronted by the producer.18

“Join me in my office.” Mark’s tone didn’t broker a refusal.19

As Doctor Neil Harris followed behind the younger, larger and taller man he suddenly felt like a schoolboy heading for the principal’s office. I’m ten years older, already sporting some gray hairs, and Hell of better income, he thought and wondered if it was Mark’s size or mouth he found more intimidating. He fought an urge to laugh. Wisely it remained an urge. 20

He stepped into Mark’s office.21

“Four damn fuckin’ hours.” Mark stormed around Neil to slam his office door shut. He spun back his face a thundercloud, he ranted, “Four hours they raked me over the coals Neil. The station manager said the police came by and got a printout of our caller ID lists for the past six months. Then they confiscated tapes of the show. Connelly’s fuming—skinned my hide in front of the lawyers," said Mark. The fury continued to flash in his eyes. "Why couldn't you leave well enough alone?"22

"I have to do what I believe is right. Too many callers have killed themselves."23

"So…we can't assume liability for all the nut cases in this city who want to do themselves in. That's what the Crisis Line is for. You should have never talked with that detective friend of yours."24

Neil perched on the edge of the desk like a bird ready to take flight; as Mark stomped around to drop in his chair. He picked up a used Styrofoam cup from his desk, wiped it inside and out with a used napkin, folded the napkin and tossed both in the trash. Neil had seen him do this many times so he ignored it.25

“Don’t you realize Mark,” Neil said. “ So long as we advertise the fact I’m a psychiatrist we are obligated to give the serious cases the same consideration we give the comics who amuse the audience. We can’t keep up the practice of switching them over to Crises Center.”26

Mark had his chin resting in his left palm, now he raised his right hand to scratch at the back of his head. “You want to practice your profession on the air? In what damn universe!” 27

“Well…not exactly. I was thinking more in terms of allowing the questionable cases the opportunity of a private phone session with me. “28

“We’re going to stop in the middle of a live show, to allow you to have a private conversation with ‘Sweet Sally’ while the audience starts switching their dials because of the dead silence on KJAB? Or maybe we should hire someone with less of an ethics problem.” Like any cautious businessman Mark tended to play down the value of an individual to their face. 29

Neil, fully aware of the ploy, snapped, "You threatening me? Maybe you think I’m easily replaceable; but Connelly did hire me himself. So you can try treating me with a little respect." 30

"You pompous ass!" shouted Mark who pushed up to his feet and towered over Neil. "If push comes to shove, do you think management will back me or you?"31

Standing now, Neil growled, "You forget, I don't need this job. I have a lucrative practice. What have you got to fall back on?"32

Neil was normally mild mannered, so Mark was taken aback by his determination and sudden anger. There were things to take into consideration. Not only did Connelly like Neil but so did the radio audience. “Let’s calm down.” He offered his hand. “This isn’t getting us anywhere. We’ll get together in the morning; see what kind of compromises we can come up with. We've got a show to do and it's just about time."33

On the other side of Manhattan in a far less affluent studio arrangement, there were ten tiny cubicles with a separate computer terminal for each. There were usually eight volunteers at a time handling the phones. Presently, being the graveyard shift, three hadn’t shown up so there were only five to relieve the present shift. 34

Some of the new people had staked a claim on a favorite station and were hovering at the opening waiting to take over when its present occupant picked up and exited.35

"Did you know that the police were here today?" asked Sherry, the middle-aged night supervisor at the Crisis Line. Since she was one of the few paid employees, she didn’t deem it necessary to get to work more than a few minutes before her scheduled time. She was setting up the institutional size coffee pot that was made only once a night, and tasted a little like tar before the shift was over. Since Sherry drank tea and kept the coffee grounds in the supervisor’s office, which was off limits unless you were called in for a one on one warning, no one could correct the situation.36

So during the one break they were allotted half way through the shift, some of the volunteers bought their own coffee from the Dunkin Donuts shop down the street. "What did they want?" The same question came from several of the volunteers.37

"When May called me to fill me in, she said they got a computer printout of all our calls for the last six months."38

"Really?" Dale a most dependable young man asked. Sally silently wished she had more like him. Then she wouldn’t be so damn short handed at night when they were needed most. 39

"Yeah." 40

“Wow, wonder what they’re after?” Kelsey, a plain young lady with acme scars on her cheeks that her makeup couldn’t hide; and razor scars at her wrists she kept hidden beneath long sleeved shirts, was obviously excited. “Were they checking into anyone’s background?”41

“May said,” Sally continued to repeat what the afternoon supervisor told her. “They just wanted files?” Sally said.42

Dale asked, "For all shifts?"43

"I don't know." Sally was clearly disappointed she had no further information to divulge. “You better man those phones.”44

The new shift headed for their stations as the departing volunteers of the Crises Center made their way out into the false brightness of a New York night, and Doctor Neil Harris waited for his signal. 45

Mark Gheil’s hand came down, Neil cleared his throat.46

"This is KJAB, talk radio, 102.1 on your radio dial. I'm Doctor Neil Harris and I'm here to discuss your problems in the wee hours of this morning. Who do we have as our first caller?"47

The voice was muffled, like the caller intended to hide her identity behind a palm. “Renee,” she nearly whispered.48

“Renee, a lovely name,” Neil answered. “And Renee…what seems to be your problem? How can I help you?” Was followed by the expected pause.49

They always had second thoughts. Always needed the pause before they could say the words that disclosed the reason for the late night call. Once decided, the tone became rushed and the words spilled out. “New York is so stifling, so many people but I’m invisible to them. I’m alone. My job isn’t working out, I don’t…” Sobs had built in her throat and now they burst forth to flood her words and make them nearly indistinguishable. 50

Neil’s voice was soft and confident. “Take your time Renee. I’m here to listen. You’re not alone when you have someone who will listen. Take a few deep breaths…”51

He caught Mark’s stare. With a lift of his chin and quick head shaking he indicated a sharp no. “Try counting slowly,” he said into the receiver. “That’s better. How long have you been in the City?”52

“Four, no three and a half months. Sometimes I wish I was dead.”53

“You have a lot of company there.” Neil gave a gentle laugh. Then suddenly he heard the taped conversation of his own voice in his ear, “I need you to listen carefully. I'm going to switch you over to Mark, my producer, and he is going to connect you with someone who can help you."54

He could see Mark was already punching the keys that would connect the caller to the 24-hour Crisis Line. Through his headphones he heard the male voice cut in, “Hi Renee, I’m Dale, I’ve been where you are…”55

Neil’s face felt like fresh sunburn, and the heat of anger crept rapidly up his spine to his neck. He could do nothing but say into the receiver, “and who is our next caller?” 56

In a list

A bit of editing would help along with opinions [Reward: double points]

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • WeAreOceansAway gold member
    November 9
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Your grammar is pretty good! I usually don't find someone who actually has an inkling as to where commas go. ^-^ Keep up the great work, I enjoyed your story!


  • LuckyK
    September 29

    Edit | Reply
    I'm glad Neil told off Mark i was beginning to not like his cocky behaviour...I could have sworn that that Dale person was the one who answered Michelle's call...anyways i'm still trying to figured out who this killer is...

    . Rewarded 4


  • condor
    August 15

    Edit | Reply
    Did you know you guys have me sitting here with pen and paper writing things as i read. I'm looking for that clue to the killer. This was a really good chapter. Yah for Neil giving Mark a mouthful, that was great. Now i know i don't like Mark! The way the conversations panned out was excellent. Joe is a really quiet cop working stealthly on this case. I find myself writing down all his clues as he comes across them. I've got Dale on my hit list....we'll see where things go.

    . Rewarded 8

  • Dale, huh? *arches an eyebrow and adds 2 and 2 to get 16* This chapter had a lot of good information. I liked the fight between Mark and Neil (you had to know that was coming!) and the insight into the Crisis Center. The one thing I'll say is that this chapter kind of feels like it's all over the place. It doesn't really have a center of balance, if that makes sense. *shrugs* Anyways, very good so far - I can't wait until I have time to read the next chapter! As always, enjoyable!

    Notes:

    * Para 4: "dull lighting enhanced by cigarette smoke" - this makes it sound like the presence of the smoke somehow enhances the lights to make them brighter! What if you used something like "further obscured by cigarette smoke" instead?

    * Para 9: "Serial Murder?" - in this case, "murder" doesn't need to be capitalized.

    * Para 12: I think period instead of a comma makes more sense after "Joe shrugeed" - maybe?

    * Para 13: I think in this context, "set up" should be two words.

    * Para 15: The first sentence here is a bit awkward and fragmented. You could make it two sentences, split between "behind it" and "you've provided."

    * Para 16: This is a run-on sentence, my friends.

    * Para 20: "and Hell of better income" is an incomplete phrase. You might try "and I have a hell of a lot better income" or something along those lines instead.

    * Para 22: You should have a period after "thundercloud." I also think you could leave out "he ranted" entirely, but that's personal preference; if you leave it in, capitalize it and make it the beginning of the sentence. You also need a comma between "coals" and "Neil."

    * Para 24: I would like to see a question mark instead of an ellipsis after "So." I also wouldn't mind a few exclamationn points; Mark's angry, isn't he? Let him show it!

    * Para 26: First sentence punctuation, as so: "Don't you realize, Mark," Neil said, "so long as we advertise..." Also, you have Crises Center instead of Crisis Center. *giggles*

    * Para 27: Your first sentence is actually two. Instead of a comma, try a period or a semicolon.

    * Para 30: Incorrect semicolon! The bane of my existence! Extinguish that bugger for me, will you? *laughs* For some reason, the first part of this dialogue doesn't sound quite like Neil's voice. *shrugs* I can't really put my finger on why...

    * Para 33: I think you need some kind of a page break after this paragraph, to let us know there's a scene switch.

    * Para 34: You use the word "shift" twice in the last sentence here.

    * Para 36: Good details. *laughs* "Institutional-size" should be hyphenated. Also, this sentence makes it sound like she makes the pot and not a pot of coffee every night! And, finally, "one-on-one" is doubly hyphenated as well.

    * Para 37: The first sentence of this paragraph feels like a continuation of the previous paragraph. Also, doesn't the Dunkin' of donuts fame have an apostrophe at the end? And beginning a sentence with "so" makes it a fragment - which isn't always a bad thing, but it doesn't add anything in this case. Just saying...

    * Para 41: Acme scars? I think you mean "acne scars," yes? And *gasp!* another incorrect semicolon! Why do I let those things bother me so much?

    * Para 42: The dialogue here is confusing...

    * Para 45: You have Crises Center again! Also, again you may want some kind of a page break here.

    * Para 50: You've said this already...in chapter 1 I think... Is there a reason for the parallel language?

    * Oh, that was a low blow on Mark's part...*glowers at Mark*

    . Rewarded 8

  • Quick grammer/punctuation/spelling picks;
    [9] "Serial Murder?" not sure if you should capitalize the second word. In the previous paragraph you used 'serial murder' - you set the precendent there, any follow-on references should be of the same format.
    [10] 'inprobable' instead of 'unlikely' - fits better with the 'numbers'.
    [13] 'already anticipating' - slightly vague as to Joe's intent. Is he excited? Filled with trepidation? Needs some definition.
    [20] 'as he wondered' rather than 'and wondered' - the 'and' gives the second half of the sentence read like it belongs to the list in the first half. It should be he was thinking all of those things as he wondered about the intimidation. Sorry , but it seems to make more sense that way.
    [22] '...the lawyers," said Mark.' - one too many speech references. You lead in with 'he ranted'.
    [25] 'Neil perched on the edge of the desk like a bird ready to take flight; as Mark stomped around to drop in his chair.' - Awkward phrasing, try rewritting.

    Overall, an interesting chapter. More plot development here, though I have my suspicions as to who the killer is. I have a feeling that you have employed the use of the 'red herring' - throwing out a slightly obvious character to divert attention away from the killer.

    As they say... the plot thickens...

    . Rewarded 8

  • Another interesting chapter here.

    So Joe is filling Neil in on things. And this is the first time we've heard him use the term 'serial murder', though we all suspect it.

    We also find that Mark is not at all pleased with Neil and Joe's conversations. And what does Neil have against crisis center volunteer Dale, who Sally seems to like?

    The plot continues to thicken as we find out more seemingly random occurrences. Will Renee be the next 'suicide'? Hmm.

    I'm liking all the twists and turns.
    Great story.
    What's next?
    Greg

    . Rewarded 8

  • Another cool chapter here. I'm really diggin' how this is playing out and still have no freakin' clue who the killer is. I suppose that's good, right?

    Dr. Harris is really pushing all the buttons in this chapter and the detective really gives him more information than he should, but since they're friends it's probably okay.

    Not much to look at as far as errors but here are a few...

    'graph 9: Should Murder be capitalized in dialogue like that?

    'graph 20: ...already sporting some gray haris, and (a helluva) better income. -->Ok, yes, that's slang spelling but it looks weird capitalized unless you're really talking about the place Hell.

    'graph 42: remove the 'Sally said.' dialogue tag. It seems a bit redundant.

    I'm guessing Renee is the next one to bite the dust? We shall see...I'm forming ideas...we shall see.

    Excellent work

    . Rewarded 8

    • YES! You still haven't guessed the killer .

      You don't know how happy that makes us .

      Phil, thanks so much for reading and commenting and finding those goofs. Seems even with four eyes we miss some.

      Geri

1 - 9 of 9