Good morning, Mr President. And thanks for coming.1
Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change --I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect.2
Er – Okay, then. But let me ask the questions and then you give the answers, okay?3
Sure thing, Mr. Jackson.4
Okay, Mr. President. The current question of all time, now that the presidency is near, your thoughts on the War in Iraq?5
We're kicking ass. Removing Saddam Hussein was the right decision early in my presidency, it is the right decision now, and it will be the right decision ever. The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq are the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th. 6
But many of your prospective voters are primarily against this foolhardy war, Mr. President.7
I fully understand those who say you can't win this thing militarily. That's exactly what the United States military says, that you can't win this military. 8
Hmm…that makes no sense, but, what convinces you to keep pressing on? Even when there is no hope?9
I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be -- hold hands.10
Any words you want to say to the good men you have over there?11
Soldiers, sailors, Marines, airmen, and Coastmen -- Coast Guardmen, thanks for coming, thanks for wearing the uniform. And General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq. There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world. 12
Haven’t you guys learnt anything from Vietnam??13
There are some similarities, of course (between Iraq and Vietnam). Death is terrible.14
I hear you have thoughts on Mandela, Mr. President.15
I heard somebody say, 'Where's (Nelson) Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas.16
There are a bunch of kids here, Mr. President and they want to know what exactly a President like you does. Mind obliging?17
The decisions we make in Washington have a direct impact on the people in our country, obviously. My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions. I got a lot of Ph.D.-types and smart people around me who come into the Oval Office and say, 'Mr. President, here's what's on my mind.' And I listen carefully to their advice. But having gathered the device, I decide, you know, I say, 'This is what we're going to do.’ 18
Okay. Now, have you heard of the spike in gas prices in this country? Its gonna go up to maybe $4 a gallon, I think.19
Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that. 20
Well now you know. And what do you think of the US effort to help malaria victims in Ghana?21
I'm oftentimes asked, what difference does it make to America if people are dying of malaria in a place like Ghana? It means a lot. It means a lot morally, it means a lot from a -- it's in our national interest. We're going to -- we'll be sending a person on the ground there pretty soon to help implement the malaria initiative, and that initiative will mean spreading nets and insecticides throughout the country so that we can see a reduction in death of young children that -- a death that we can cure.22
Tony Blair has now given way to Brown. You reckon Blair still supports you?23
I've heard he's been called Bush's poodle. He's bigger than that. Think Great Dane.24
Your plan for next year?25
My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we're going to run out of debt to retire.26
What do you do in your spare time?27
I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake.28
Your take on the STD crisis?29
Use Bush condoms. For those who don’t know when to pull out. 30
Who would you turn gay for?31
Bill Clinton. I had oral sex with him once.32
What the fuck? He denied it.33
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.34
Any place you would like to go, after you lose the election?.35
Bush goes to Hel. That's what a lot of people want.36
Author notes
These answers are all from actual Bush speeches. Even the Bill Clinton one. (Not the "I had oral sex with him" one) Just the "A man might forget .."
Haha. Enjoy.
Haha, Addy, I know Bush isn't running again, but Democrats are stupid sometimes.
- Fantasy Writers or Readers Anon group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Ha Ha! Humor! by Katty.
190 points, ended April 30, 16 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Random by Vampiric souls.
175 points, ended May 7, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - American Presidential Election by Adelaide Blood.
225 points, ended June 24, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
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Honorable winner
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Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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I loved it! I despise Bush with all of my heart and I could not stop laughing while reading this despite the fact that I am in class. Lol. Very funny. It is great to read humorous stuff after all of the serious stuff I have read on SW. Good Job!
-Dani
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Some tactful political humor. I never supported Bush even though I didn't even know who the president was tell 9/11 (Politics isn't exactly important when your 10 or 11). I like that you used actual quotes so that it seemed more realistic and not the usual bush-bashing that is often done on Tv or the radio. Really enjoyed this it was amusing if only for a short time.
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This was really funny, I liked how you made fun of bush just utterly and completely.
Just pointing out, and I now this was piece was joking but you can't 'turn gay'. It isn't a choice. -
This kicked so much ass. O.O Wow. This was so funny! Gah.
Thank you for making my night.
-jj
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Wow, I was wondering how you came up with all those bush-ism until I saw your author's note
Anyway, line 10 really made me crack up. It's great to know that our president is such a great public speaker >.<
I think I'm going to print this out for my family, too lol
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I so agree with Dasha. "Down with bucking fush!" So true. Good job =) Quite funny.
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Heheheh xD I LOVE this. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside ^^ which is probably a bad thing, but eh. Two thumbs up! Down with bucking fush.
~Trillian~ =D
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O.O that's funny. DOWN WITH THE PRESIDENT!!!
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hilarious
i am sooo glad you entered it thank you soooooo much
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this is crazy it makes me proud of our current president.
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That was great
Y'know, I've started to become embarrassed as an American within the past year... now that we've got this (my opinion) novelty election going on.
-"What? The democrats have a woman running? We'll never win!"
--"I have a plan."
-"What's that?"
--"We need... a black man."
dun dun dun
Thanks for the laughs
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Holy hilarity, Batman!
"Who would you turn gay for?"
"Bill Clinton. I had oral sex with him once."
That made me laugh big time. I'm into political humor myself but I poke fun at people like Al Gore, Howard Dean, Rosia O'Donnell, and Obama. Overall, very funny and it helped me to get voer the bad day I had at school! Nice job. And just for the record, I don't think Bush is the worst president ever. That would be Jimmy Carter with Linden B. Johnson in scond place.
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HAHAHAHAHA
WONDERFULLY HUMOROUS!!!
And as it goes for the Bush not running again thing, all I wanted was your political viewpoints and this obviously included that... This was magnificent and had me in tears of laughter... in fact i am printing it to share with my family XD !!!
^^ well done!
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Gah! I hate Bush!!!
This made me crack up so hard!
However...it kind of made me upset when I realized, "Omg...this is something he would really say..."
Our president is an idiot... -
extremely wicked and humourous.
Just one question.
Who are you voting for the donkey or the elephant?
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*flips a coin*
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hehehehehe **quietly snickers**
that was actually kinda funny -
HILARIOUS and sorta sad at the same time. It's scary that he's actually said those remarks, but I wouldn't put it past him. You did a great job here and I enjoyed it all the way though!
. Rewarded 4
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LOL! this is funny, thanks for entering! I love the last question "Bush goes to hel" awesome, good job!
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HAHAHA that was awesome! GWB is a moron, and I'm glad that he can't be reelected after this year, even though I live in Canada... I laughed all the way through, especially at the oral-sex part... Crude, rude, and very well done indeed
Laura
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Oh, man. This was perfect. I'm grinning like an idiot right now, and trying so hard not to laugh my ass off. This was absolutely brilliant.
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OMG!! LOL! This was soo hilarious! * tries to catch breath* I love the ending with Clinton!!! Totally wasn't expecting that!! This was brilliant and thanks for entering my contest!
*KAT*. Rewarded 4
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Hehe .. thanks for reading and commenting.
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*Recovers from laughing*
I was about to congratulate you on the awesome-ly (my word) funny answers, and it was made better by knowing they are all actual quotes. Even more creative!! It was especially good because I'm not American but I could understand what you were going on about.
Very, very funny.
And you made a good point
...actually it sort of reminds me of a little section at the end of the 7:30 report (an Aussie news show) every Thursday where two guys do a political satire sketch...sometimes they're pretty funny too...
. Rewarded 8
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Oh my absolute goodness!
That is absolutely fantastic, my friend. Brilliant.
These made me like, die laughing!
And the way you used them was amazing
You should be a journalist!!!!!! You can just change the questions after the interview!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Dies laughing.*
Bloody brilliant.
Five trillion applause!
...Or three.
. Rewarded 6
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LMAO!!!!!!!!! My mouth dropped when I read the Bill Clinton part. And i see below me you stated that these are actual various quotes he made. Please tell me that the Bill Clinton one was fake. lol keep up the FANTASTIC work I loved it!!!!!!!!
. Rewarded 4
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The Bill clinton Quote, I jutxaposed with the situation. The quote is actuall from a speech Barbara Bush gave on Clinton. Not Kidding.
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Oh my god
You have me laughing so hard right now. That about Bill Clinton is so funny, all of it is.
. Rewarded 4
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hahahahahah funny funny brother dear. Loved the Bill Clinton thing
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Thanks a lot. Btw these are actual quotes from various interviews.
Is Bush Dumb or is Bush Dumb?
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