A kiss means a lot to Mary. She has never been kissed any guys before in her life during high school. Mary is an average shy girl. She has dark hair, brown eyes, and kind of average in height. She is cute at her age. Mary has a best friend named Jane. Jane is opposite from Mary. Jane is a talkative girl and she is taller than Mary. Jane is a beautiful girl where she magnets guys from all over high school. Jane has blonde hair and blue eyes. Even though Mary and Jane are opposite in physical and characteristic, they somehow end up being best friend. They have a crush on the same guy, Bruce. Bruce is tall and handsome. He has dark hair and blue eyes. He plays various sports in high school and is captain in several of his sports team. 1
The girls looked at Bruce and their hearts were full of joys when Bruce returns a smiling face. They wished for something that would never come true, a kiss. The girls also started to know Bruce in English class on the first semester at senior year. He is smiles to them every time they were seeing each other on the hall way while walking to the class. His smile made them so happy and they could not refuse to show their sadly face instead of smiling back to him. His voice is so manly strong and so his walking tall with confidence. Mary usually walks really fast and shy. All she could say to Bruce is, “Hi,” and then walk to her desk, not having a gut to stop him and kiss him and saying how much she likes him. Meanwhile, Jane talks to Bruce at English class and flirts with him. They seems like they enjoy each other conversation. In a surprise, Bruce asked Mary and Jane to join him and his friends for a drink after school. They gladly accept the invitation.2
David, the driver, picks up Bruce and his friend, Thanh, after school. On their way picking up Thanh, David drives over and picks up Mary and Jane too. Thanh sits in front sit of the car. Bruce sits in the back middle sit between Mary and Jane. He looks like a king now, having two girls sitting besides him. Jane flirts with Bruce most of time while Mary is a bit nervous sitting besides Bruce. Mary doesn’t talk much. She just say hi, how are you, and I am fine. David is a cool guy. He makes some jokes and having people laugh with him. Mary seems to lose her nervous and tense after David’s jokes. They are having a great time. Jane and Bruce are having a great time flirting and chatting. Mary feels sad that she doesn’t talk much. It looks like Jane will have a first kiss with Bruce, but it doesn’t end that way. David drops off Mary and Jane on his way leaving off Thanh and Bruce.3
After two days from a drink, Mary gets a phone call, beep beep. 4
Mary asks, “Who is it?”5
“This is Bruce from English class. We have a drink from another day.”6
Mary thinks Oh my god, it is Bruce. Bruce, he calls me. Mary is nervously replying. “Yes”7
“I am thinking about another day. I wonder if you would like to go out with me for a movie.” 8
Mary is so happy, but she hasn’t forgotten about Jane as her best friend. She hesitates to say yes. “I can’t. What about Jane? Jane is my best friend. We both have a crush on you.”9
“Jane and I have fun talking, but there is nothing between us. I feel like there is something sparkling between you and me.” 10
“I can’t, Bruce.” Mary is still hesitating. 11
“Well, I understand how you feel. When you change your mind, give me a call at....” Bruce says bye to Mary and hang up the phone. 12
The next day Mary meets Jane and tells Jane what happen. Jane feels devastate. How could Bruce make up his mind? They have fun flirting and they enjoy talking. Jane is mad at the whole situation, but she is happy for Mary that Bruce likes Mary, her best friend, and asking her out. Jane has a hard time facing the situation, but she doesn’t mind Bruce and Mary go out. 13
On the first day of the dating between Bruce and Mary, Bruce gives Mary a kiss good night. It is the first kiss that Mary has, leaving her breathless and light at her feet. There is sparkle at their first kiss that make the moment seems to be unforgettable. It tells her that she has falling in love. 14
Even though Bruce dates Mary for sometimes, the relationship between Mary and Jane are still solid. They are still best friend. Jane jokes about Mary’s first kiss. Jane kisses Mary. “Is it like this?” Mary laughs, “That is so freaky weird, the kiss between you and me, Jane.” 15
Comments
-
'Ey! Startin' good... I mean 'well'... It sounds a little weird to hear oneself read only plain, 'single' and straight forward sentences, you know? Try averaging the structure a little, try using more in-between words like 'but', 'and', etc. You also need some help with the grammar, just like me! But I'm not the perfect one to help you, sorry. I could try, though
Several plurals are missing and need to be included, as people have already stated. Basically, there isn't much new to tell. Good story, but I miss conversation dialogues. It gets kind of tiring after a while to read only narrative talk, if you catch my drift. Maybe you could kind of make your story more 'lively' by using dialogue more?
-
Good Story!
p1 'Jane is a beautiful girl and she draws guys like a magnet from all over the school.', 'physical attributes and characteristics, the somehow end up being best friends.', 'his sports' teams.', p2 'full of joy', 'He was all smiles to them every time they saw him in the hallway while walking to class.', 'His smile made them so happy they could not help smilig back at him.(I feel this makes better sense.)', 'His voice was so strong and manly and tall and confident was his walk.', 'Mary usually walked', 'say to Bruce was,', 'not having the guts(or nerve) to stop him, kiss him, and say how much she likes him.', Meanwhile, Jane talked to Bruce in English class and flirted with him. They seemed like', 'gladly accepted the invitation',(It is best usually to try to use the same basic verb tense.), p3 'picked up Bruce', 'On their way to pick up Thanh, David drove over and picked up Mary and Jane, too. Thanh sat in the front seat', 'Bruce sat in back in the middle between Mary and Jane.' 'He looked like a king now,', 'Jane flirted with Bruce most of the time while Mary was a bit nervous', 'She just says, "Hi, how are you?" and "I am fine." David was a cool guy. He made some jokes and had people', 'Mary lost her nervousness and tension after David's jokes. They were having a great time. Jane and Bruce were also having fun flirting and chatting. Mary felt sad that she was uncomfortable talking more. It looked like Jane would have a first kiss with Bruce,' 'David dropped off Mary', p4 'After two days from their get together, Mary got a phone call.' p5 'Mary asked, "Who is this?"', p6 'We had a drink the other day."', p7 'Mary thought, 'Oh my god, it is Bruce, he's calling me.' Mary nervously replied. "Yes?"', p8 '"I am thinking about a date.', p9 'Mary was so happy, but she hadn't forgotten about her best friend Jane. She hesitated
to say yes.', p11 'I can't, Bruce," said Mary still hesitating.', p12 'Bruce said bye to Mary and hung up the phone.' p13 'The next day Mary met Jane and told her what happened. Jane felt devastated. 'How could could Bruce have decided this?' They had fun flirting and they enjoyed talking. Jane was angry at the whole situation, but she was happy for Mary that Bruce liked Mary and wanted to ask her out. Jane had a hard time facing the situation, but she didn't object to Bruce and Mary going out.' p14 'Bruce gave Mary a kiss', 'kiss that Mary has had, leaving her breathless and light-headed.', 'There are sparks at their first kiss and the moment seemed unforgetable. It told her that she was falling in love.', p15 'Even though Bruce dated Mary, the relationship between Mary and Jane was still solid. They were still best friends. Jane joked about Mary's first kiss. Jane kissed Mary. "Was it like this?' p16 'Mary laughed and said,'
I think it is a good story. These are suggestions and corrections if you put it in the past tense. I think it reads better that way. Anyway, good job. I hope that this helps.
Andy
-
"never been kissed any guys before " doesn't need the "been".
"Jane is opposite from Mary" sounds awkward. Try "Jane and Mary were complete opposites."
"Jane is a beautiful girl where she magnets guys from all over high school." also sounds awkward. Try rephrasing. and removing the "where".
Plurals missing in several words! Be careful.
Para 2 starts off with past tense, while the first one is present tense. Change the first to past then.
Several awkward issues, that, when improved, will hep this story out a lot.
Tiger-Lil
-
i liked the story line but the grammer could use some work. overall a good story.
beginning: 4, language: 1, plot: 5, ending: 1, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
Adding your comment:
