Silence. The bright red shades accented in dew droplets. The sweet scent wafting throughout the whole room. The rose lay in her lap, her eyes gazing gently down at it. A bird twittered outside the window. 1
The previous day's events drifted swiftly back to her. 'It had been evening. The stars shone brightly. The wind whipped her blond locks out of her face as she stood against the brick building, waiting. Finally, across the street in the park, she saw him.2
He looked so hansome. His dark hair and goatee accentuating his face just right. His grin and amazing personality topped it off to make him the real man of her dreams.3
He crossed by the trees, and past the park benches. The water fountian calmly spritzing a mist. She smiled as her heart stretched bigger and bigger with her love for him.4
She stepped away from the building and out onto the street, quickly glancing left and then setting her gaze on him as she made her way across the street. The stars made his smile glisten.5
As she glanced up at the stars, she was suddenly hit by something . . . someONE. Being sent flying to the sidewalk, she landed, scraping herself badly. There was a screech of tires, a horn sounding, and . . . 6
"NO!" She ran to his side, but it was too late. He was gone. The driver's apologies drifted through the night sky and past her untuned ears. This couldn't be. He had to be alive. She couldn't look anymore. As she turned, through the tears, she caught sight of something. At his feet was a rose, and attached to it. . . was a ring.'7
She'd treasure it forever. Now the tears combined with the dew on the rose, and she let them flow freely, knowing that she couldn't change the past, ever.8
A contest entry
- Short and Swe-... hmm... by Midnightmare.
350 points, ended May 4, 2008, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Beautiful pain by Writing0Freedom.
541 points, ended May 7, 2008, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 2 Hearts by Prodigious.Mirth.
350 points, ended April 27, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me something worth reading! by Miss Belligerence.
175 points, ended May 4, 2008, 45 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think? Opinions please!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This was a decent beginning. I feel like you should expand upon a lot, there is so much that could be filled in. I liked some of the descriptions like "the stars made his smile glisten", that was pretty.
You had a spelling error, in paragraph 3 you said 'hansome' it's spelled 'handsome'.
I also think that the "NO!" at the beginning of paragraph 7 might do better in quotes because otherwise it seems like a lapse in narroration.
thanks for entering
-gibson -
Most beautiful thing on the net
Absolutely blimmin magnificent, I loved everything about it!
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absolutely fabulous! this literally made me tear up. I love it! it reminds me of my own work but i do have to say i did get confused in this paragraph
"As she glanced up at the stars, she was suddenly hit by something and sent flying to the sidewalk. She landed, scraping herself badly. There was a screech of tires, a horn sounding, and . . . 6"
You said SHE was hit, she landed...and at first I thought you meant she was the one terribly injured, and then I saw the next paragraph and I thought that paragraph was contradicting what you were saying previously.
I will say you did an adequate job of clearing up some confusion, but I think what fogged my mind was you didn't specify that they were next to eachother when the accident happened. I thought the girl was on the sidewalk and the boy was in the street or vise versa.
I'm not sure how you can clear that up...i'm not in the right state of mind to give much thorough suggestion on how to rephrase the scene. Don't get me wrong I love what you did. Excellent work! and congrats on winning gold! -
This was simply mind blowing.. I am rendered speechless....
o.o
Good luck
thank you so much for entering
l. Blair~
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Wow! This is really sad. The rose emphasis is really beautiful and adds alot to it. I like the beginning alot, the description is really good. I would like to know more about their relationship though and more context and history. It feels like there is more missing here, a piece I can't find. It has a really good framework and it is heartbreaking but I feel it could be more so if the reader could truly grasp the extent of the pain she feels and why. This was well written though .
Thanks for entering!
WritingFree -
it didnt begin with a corny beginning, so rare in the writing world. the lack of dialogue made it all the more better. great descriptions.
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Hmmmm....
Sorry to be a little pedantic, but if you say that his grin and personality topped him off, the implication is that his personality is actually a visible thing. Do you really think it is?
I'd use a spell check too, there are several typos here (goatee, apologies are just two) Also, think about word juxtaposition. In your last sentence you split your infinitive; tears don't freely flow, they flow freely.
Now for the good bit (at last!) This shows potential. Bearing in mind your plea for honesty, I feel that this is almost a first venture into adolescent/adult emotions. Hence the comment that it has potential but.... do take time to think things through. If you have never lost a loved one, stay away from imagining the feelings; instead, talk to those who genuinely know what it's like, otherwise the whole thing becomes synthetic. Almost everyone of your parents' age will have been there;ask them.
Finally, develop your themes a little. Try to expand what are almost snapshots into, say, a three minute video. If this means struggling, then struggle; it can only help you in the long run.
Sorry to be so long winded about it all, but if you didn't show potential, I wouldn't offer this amount of help. Above all, keep writing, keep searching for your own voice, and a final tip; if you write an emotional piece like the above, go for a witty piece afterwards, nonsensical if you like, to keep a balance. See what you make of my "And then" piece for a bit of a giggle!beginning: 2, plot: 4, ending: 3.
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Oh wow, that is really really good. I love the way you described the park, and that fountain. I felt the magic of being in love. So sweet, but such a sad ending!
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Well, it was a bit over the limit. my rules strictly implied that you write something 200 words or under by the SW counter.
Besides the length, which you are quite welcome to fix up before the contest closes, it was a good piece. I am confused as to WHAT exact thing you are describing. Were you trying to describe the guy, or was it the rose? I do not see a specific thing you are concentrating on.
But this WAS written very well with great punctuation and so forth, however, there were a couple of spelling errors.
Overall it was a good write but i think it may need some editing before the contest closes. thanks so much for entering and good luck!!! -
That's all I need to say Wow, that's amazing. Especially the rose and the ring. This is going to be short and sweet b/c... aww
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