I stared at my silent cell phone. The urge to call was unbearable. Was it just a false alarm or was this the real thing? My friend was always threatening to kill herself, but she never came through with it. I would always be there for her when she had problems.1
But this time when she called, I was with someone. I really liked him and I wanted to make a good impression. She sounded frantic, like she was really going to do it, but I told her that every thing will be alright. I told her that she was usually overdramtic at times, and she should just calm down and call me in an hour.2
It has now been two. I had said good night and left my date's house and was heading home. And yet my phone had remained silent the whole time. I felt guilty for abandoning her. Was it really worth picking some guy over my friend's threat? I pulled the car to the side of the road and laid down in the soft grass. I needed to pray, now. No more waiting, and this was something I needed to say without being distracted.3
I was lying there staring at the starry blackness above me. What am I doing here? "I've made a terrible mistake," I began, "I should have been there for her, but I blew her off. God, if you're listening, please be there for her when I couldn't be. Please help her have that peace that I always feel when I give all my burdens to you. Give her the courage to face one more day."4
I looked at my cell phone. 5
"And for my sake," I said, "have her call me."6
The phone began to ring.
Author notes
She wore an orange sweater.
A contest entry
- Write a story using this prompt by potaytee.
100 points, ended May 11, 2008, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Best Friends Test by ArtificialSweetener.
185 points, ended June 4, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me something worth reading! by Miss Belligerence.
175 points, ended May 4, 2008, 45 entries
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450 points, ended July 13, 2008, 41 entries
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• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Thanks for entering, I liked this piece, albeit it was pretty short. I think you could have expanded more upon it, I felt especially as if there should have been more about how the main character was feeling about the whole situation, particularly the guilt, to get the message across better. Perhaps some more about her evening, or about her suicidal friend.
It was well-written however. Just somewhat underdeveloped.
Style: 7/10
Flow: 8/10
Uniqueness: 4/5
Readability: 5/7
Effect: 8/10
Lack of Errors: 3/3
Personal Score: 2/5
Total: 37/50 -
that's it? no more?
and you should know this-
'You are' = 'you're'
'your dog' = 'your' -
this had potential and it deals with a topic that I've dealt with before, but it was like it was too brief. I didn't care enough about the characters. I liked that the phone rang in the end, that was happy. but this didn't really stand out to me. Maybe go over what had happened in the past? add the suicidal friend's point of view?
thanks for entering
-gibson -
a very good story told in so few words, wonderful write you made the reader feel your saddness and your remorse, but hey everyone needs time for them self, one must live... Good write. and sweet prayer. The ending was ok would of been nice to know that it was your friend calling saying she was ok
beginning: 5, language: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 5.
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I didn't say if it was the friend calling because I felt like it was implied. Also, I would like the reader to think of what would happen if that was not the friend calling. If the speckers prayer was not answered, what would happen to the reader. Hmmm. Come to think of it that might make a good contest, don't you think?
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Wow, I can sure tell how much she regretted not being there for her best friend. I'm sure that everyone can relate to this, and if not, I can (Ok, that's kinda sad) The was great!
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This was beautiful... I'm just about speechless. I love the meaning of the story. So so good!
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wow, this is really good. i wouldnt have blew her of though, im too caring to do that. i also worry about my friends way to much to do that, but the point of the story is really good. i like the way you played it out.
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A story of friendship and believeing in someone higher then ones self. A good little story here, an intresting write. Well done.
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Wow that's really good. I love it. Thank you for entering my contest. Good luck
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Thanks for the prompt.
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wow... this is beautiful... I love it!
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Thank you
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