Touched by Madness, Baptized by Fire - Personal/Inspriational Essay

It was an ordinary day in May when the doctor told me I had bipolar disorder. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. What does that even mean? I’ve always been interested in psychology and bipolar runs in my family, but suddenly all those books and third person experiences mean nothing. Nearly two years since that day I’ve learned a lot and I’ve experienced more. I realized that no, I wasn’t psychic when I was fifteen, and that boyfriend I dumped when I was seventeen was probably the love of my life. 1

So, why do I say we're "touched by madness, baptized by fire"?
"Touched by madness, baptized by fire" is my own little testament to how I view my disorder and how I choose to deal with it. We're all “touched by madness,” the madness is within us all and we really have no choice in the matter. When I say "we" I mean both those of us fortunate enough to carry said label, and those without it among me now. Everyone is a little crazy; everyone has the potential to go absolutely stark raving mad, or to become something great. Mental illness, or lack thereof, does not limit what we can do - we're all capable of amazing things. And this is what I choose to believe.2

So, what’s "baptized by fire"? Basically what it means is someone that has been shoved into a situation that they may or may not know how to deal with and getting hit with everything coming at them at once - and walking away from it. That right there is mental illness. That's the moment that you're sitting in the doctor's office and the words "you have bipolar disorder" slip out of his mouth. You don't know whether to mourn the life you're sure you’ll lose, sigh with relief to know you're just not "hard to get along with" or get up and slap the poor guy for saying such an awful thing. 3

Then the doctor tells you what happens next. You're likely going to be on medications for the rest of your natural life. And they don't really know what works, because it's different for everyone - one person's hell pill is another person's miracle drug. So, not only do you have to take several pills everyday for the rest of your life, you get to be a guinea pig, too. What luck! You have to deal with life changing side effects that mostly never go away. You literally need to decide if the stability this medication may or may not give you is worth putting up with the side effects. 4

So, I guess wrapping this all up: "touched by madness, baptized by fire" is my personal motto – my way of looking at the world, and these illnesses, without going crazy (no pun intended, of course). As people with bipolar, we're in amazing company. We can count people like Winston Churchill, Jim Carey, Vincent van Gogh, Sylvia Plath, Buzz Aldrin and countless others among our ranks.5

I honestly believe that we get to see life on a whole different plane then "normal" people. We get the high without the drugs (or, rather, in spite of the drugs). We feel the sting of heartache more intensely, the pleasure of life more powerfully. The muses bless us like no other. It's a blessing and a curse. It's hard to stay on the medications that strip this from you, you can feel like you lose who you are. Like you have to trade your creativity and the very essence of which you are for the stability you aren't even guaranteed.6

So, why do it? Why sacrifice all these things to be "normal"? Why let all of this "super perception" go and be just like everyone else? Because bipolar has a 20% mortality rate, mortality by one's own hand. 90% of bipolar marriages fail because so few are in treatment. Because while we get this huge life that no one can seem to experience or understand, our thoughts lie to us. They tell us we are gods, you mere mortals cannot contain us, and we are invincible. They tell us we are worthless, we are a burden on our loved ones, a waste of oxygen and resources. Because no one can live like this forever - we want all the things that everyone else wants. We want families, to love and be loved in return, we want successful careers and happy lives. And we can't do it on our own.7

So, that's it – both sides of the coin. Touched by madness and baptized by fire. While I wouldn't wish any of these disorders on my worst enemy, I wouldn't be who I am without them. I've been forced to overcome obstacles people twice my age have never even imagined. I have unforgivable regrets and a lot of lost time. But I can write to make you cry. When I'm well, I can make you laugh. I'm playful, self-conscience but brilliant. I just wouldn't be me without the hardship and the experiences. I know my friends see that and I'm so thankful for those select few who've stuck around this far. I'm not easy and I haven't been very stable for most of my life, but they decided that I'm worth sticking around for. And that means more to me then all the sanity in the world.