A Life Untold (A true, and disturbing, story)

People ask about when I was a kid sometimes. You know how people are, talking about their lives and the 'good days' when they were children. I don't have those.1

This isn't a dream, this isn't a story to gain publicity and profit. This is my life, from MY perspective. This is how it has felt for me, what it is to me. Maybe you wont see it that way, I do.2

My explanation seems to have many holes, and things that don't make sence, but keep reading, and it will make sence by the end. All is not what it first appears.3

~*~*~*~*~*~4

When I was 9, there was a lady that used to send men over to my house. I thought she was a friend, though I didn't talk to her too much, but I didn't understand why she used to send people over. Sometimes she would send my friends over. But she would make them do bad things... touch me in bad ways and do awful things I can't talk about. She would be mad if I told you.5

I don't remember much else, I don't remember much of my childhood at all.6

When I was 12 some bad stuff happened in my life and she moved in permenantly. But she started being mean then. The only times she talked to me, she was trying to hurt me... She said I should die, that she would make me die... I still remember the first time she tried to kill me. When she realised it wouldn't work she left, and I fell down crying... I was so scared, and I was alone. It was late at night.7

The men that came over did even worse things, they would hurt me badly. But it started being the same group of men. It was the same people doing things that I began to get used to. I became accustomed to the stuff she would do, and I stopped trying to get out. I let her control things. I was silly.8

When I got a little older, people who she didn't know started to show an intrest in me and in the bad things her friends did to me. They wanted to do the same things...9

I learnt to trust someone, and I decided to stop letting her control me a little, to come out and talk to him myself and to think on my own again. He caused me to break through her. It scared us both, I think she was suprised I had any fighting left in me. 10

Unfortunatly, he was like her friends. He wanted to do bad stuff too. He left when he did that bad stuff, I never saw him again... But I was awake and fighting now, I'd seen that I wanted to get away, he had awakened something.11

He had also awakened something in her. She used to hurt me, only little stuff though, she would hit me and stuff while she told me bad things, and once I stopped fighting her she stopped too. But now, she got worse. She started to hurt me a lot, I still have scars all over me... She made me watch and read things that would upset me a lot, and she told me all sorts of lies.12

She found a poem one day. She used to sing it to me every night. The poem is gone now and I only remember one verse, but sometimes when I feel hopeless I still like to sing it. It was about a falling angel. It was depressing and hurt but at least it reminded me I was an angel once, and I might have fallen because of her but I was still an angel.13

I met a guy, and he was really nice. She wouldn't let me tell him much about her, but he was good. He never did bad stuff to me, ever. One day he asked me if I would be his girlfriend. I said yes. But for a long time, she controlled everything I did and said to him, mostly.14

The people that came over wern't a big deal anymore, I was used to it. But it was her hurting me that was a problem. The guy who liked me thought I was hurting myself and used to get really mad... I wanted her to stop but she wouldn't, and then she would punish me for asking.15

Through all this I kept making contact with my parents, but they didn't beleive me. They said it was my fault, that she wasn't real, or that they didn't understand.16

One day, after she tried to kill me again, I told her I wouldn't stay anymore. I wasn't going to. She said she would let me go, as long as I let her watch and supervise me. 17

It was so amazing to be out! To be on my own! I haddn't been in control of myself in so long... I loved it. And a little while afterwards, someone else helped me get rid of her altogether so she couldn't even watch me all the time.18

But she would come and visit... And the men that used to come over were mad, they started coming over more, and they were much much worse. Beforhand they had never actually raped me, but now they started to... It hurt, a lot.19

When she came to visit she would continue the stuff she used to do. She tried to poison a few times. And the men... *shivers*20

Now I'm trying to make them all go away, I'm planning to run, but it's not as easy as it should be. One day though, I'll get away.21

~*~*~*~*~*~22

From the perspective of anyone other than myself however, this is my life.23

When I was 9 I developed an imaginary friend, and I also started having nightmares and unwanted thoughts about being attacked and raped. It made me feel as if I'd been abused because it was so constant, sometimes even 5 or 6 times a day, I couldn't shake them out. When I was 12 I began self harming and talking to what had become a voice in my head. Now I still have the voice in my head, and I hallucinate that I'm being raped, which is so much worse than the thoughts I used to have. I truly feel as if it's real every timne it happens.24

Thats how other people sum up what I am. It's how they sleep at night, figuring it's not as bad because it's not 'real'. But it feels as real as any of the real experienced I've had. In fact, it probably feels moreso. But they don't beleive me, except for the one guy I met who is now my best friend (not boyfriend anymore, we broke up a little after she left).25

People say I can't be as affected because it wasn't real, but I struggle as anyone who's done what I have does. Sex in particular is a very dificult topic. I can't so much as shake a guys hand without freaking out, and yet I feel as if men expect it from me. I place myself in dangerous situations to feel comfortable.26

I'm trying to break free of the prison shes kept me in, the prison being my own mind. But she's fighting me. One day I'll win...27

~*~*~*~*~*~28

Make what you will of what I've said, most people say I'm overreacting and it's just a hormone imbalance. But I know what I've lived, I have the scars to prove it, and the memories of nightmares and attacks that are 10 times more vivid than what I do remember of my real childhood.29

She is mad now, I've upset her writing all this and I haven't even given details of what she used to do, even my best friend dosen't know the details of a lot of what I've experienced. No one ever will...