a good stress relieving rant.

you know what i'm sick of? pretty much everything, but hey, that's just me. but you're reading this, expecting a rant, so here goes. first, the hit list of annoyances:1

the two people at the computers next to me. i'm in the computer lab at my college right now. what, if you had to guess, would you say two college students would do in a computer lab? homework? myspace? maybe even that refreshing upstart facebook? not a chance. let me explain their behavior:2

the short one, a girl of probably eighteen who measures in at about three inches tall in two inch heels, with the poorly dyed red hair, mainly stays at her computer station. she watches videos and plays that most horrid of time killing abominations, a bejeweled spinoff. while these may, on precursory inspection, seem relatively harmless habits, she has a knack for punctuating her brief silent spells with one of several actions. 3

-an uprorious, raucous laugh. it's not a real laugh, not quite, rather it's a luagh intended to show others that she is laughing. a laugh devised to attract attention, to incite interest. 4

-turning around in her chair and using what my big-little sister would call an "outside voice" to inform antagonist #2 of absolutely every random idiotic thought to flit across the great empty plain of her consciousness like a lost sparrow.
lost because the empty rolling praries of her mind are rarely, if ever, populated by such a foreign thing as a cognizant thought. but occasionally, there is one. and by god every single person in this lab needs to know about it!5

and of course, there's subject number two in this little half-empty case study, antagonist numero dos. pretty much an average hispanic guy, who, for some reason, illicits all of the negative, ear-rupturing, blood boiling behavior of his pint-sized partner. or didn't i mention? they're madly in love. at least that's what it would be called were they still in junior high. and this, of course, is the main base from which all of the other aggravating behaviors sprout like an unsightly weed that blooms into a full blown case of insanity. this is the basis for this little rant. this here, a computer lab. an academic enviroment if ever there was one. sure, there are personal activites going on. a little texting here, some IMing over there. and then there's the dynamic duo. their idea of acceptable behavior is to slide their chairs, uncomfortable academic grey things, right next to each other, and engage in the most forced, most laughable, and most-almost nauseating show of affection ever. 6

they weren't really kissing, not with that many slurping noises. it sounds more like they're swishing a mouthfull of fruit punch back and forth than kissing. and then there's the way they both close their eyes, a perfect failure of a mimic of every sappy, overthought romance flick ever churned out over the dead bodies of the actor's dignity. let's not forget the way they take what a normal sane person, if ever driven to this point by lust or love or whatever, would drag out for maybe a whole thirty seconds, and they drag it out for, i kid you not, a full 5 minutes. not even kidding. i cant believe they didn't suffocate, locked together like that, slurping up the love, or saliva, whichever you prefer. and of course, it has to be me who gets the seat at the computer next to them, who has the worst front row seats in the history of spectatorship. every pitifully method acted moaning sigh, every reversal of the head angles, (first him leaning left and her leaning right, then her leaning left and him leaning right, then repeat), every freaking single rubbing of the hand up and down the back, obviously planned with more painstaking forthought than the blitzkrieg. and so i look away, i try not to believe that here these two supposedly rational people have chosen to make themselves an epicenter of disgust and distaste, a focal point upon which every negative, cynical, and just downright pissed vibed can lock onto like a sidewinder onto a california forest-fire. and then, finally, the slurping stops. the lips seperate, the chairs scoot fractionally back. thank God, it's over. and then, the guy speaks:
"want to try again?"7

so if you'll excuse me, i've got a pressing appointment with a plate glass window and a paving company.