War’s human clock

One-hundred and fifty dead corpses.1

One-hundred steps ran. Skidding, stumbling through the battleground.2

Eighty gun shots firing around me until I hear no sound.3

Seventy stares of fear.4

Sixty captives caught. 5

Fifty flashing images, my friends lives cut short.6

Forty miles long. An endless path of death.7

Thirty forgotten memories all left from base.8

Twenty fading words which fall from grace.9

Seventeen fated breaths, punctured with sobs.10

Ten steps more and I can hardly look.11

Four frenzied slashes another life took.12

One scream.13

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • BorntothePurple
    September 6

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    This is good. I like the way you used numbers throughout as the hook for the poem. It was really original and made it so much more interesting to read. A powerful poem on a serious subject, you really did justice to the theme. Nice job and good luck in the contest.


  • iliad
    September 4

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    I liked this a lot. You didn't write this, you thought about it first, and that part of it is really good. I actually think you could expand on this poem, and turn each number into a stanza which would open it up for further detail. I loved the idea, but the execution fell a little short, in that I wanted to see more. I felt like this was an outline, and not so much the whole poem. But, I may also be completely wrong, and this is perfect just the way it is. I just think you could have something truly killer if you expanded the idea, that's all. All in all, this is an amazing write, nice work.

    -iliad-


  • Iris Doyle
    August 21
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    AMAZING.


  • CrazySouthernGirl
    June 30

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    Wow, good description of the battlefield.... very well-written and detailed!!!!! Thanks for entering and good luck!!


    ~lil~


  • RockerGirl123
    June 5

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    Wow, these are all turning out to be VERY good...this is going to be quite the difficult contest to judge!
    I really like your first-person perspective of what is happening around him/her in this battle. The way you describe the sights is great.


  • kitty ROSE
    May 30
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    Great!


  • Elvenfairy
    May 28

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    the hardships of babttle I am guessing. This was a very interesting write. Thanks for enetring my ciontest


  • NightTime-Fox
    May 26

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    This is very interseting. I like it.. I am wondering after it, which is what i like to be doing after reading poems. Thanks for entering and Good Luck


  • MysticalRayne
    May 23

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    Interesting take on death ~ I loved the counting down. very dark in all an interesting read *best of luck in your contests

  • Shadowed Phoenix
    May 23

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    I love the use of numbers to symbolize war. This peice was wonderfully writen. You used grammer which a good sign to me. I myself hate war and this poem hit hard.

    One-hundred and fifty dead corpses.1
    A wonderful opening line. Grabed my attention. Not just dead corpses but one-hundred and fifty dead corpses.

    One scream.13 An absolutly wonderful final line to end the poem with.

    Overall a wonderful poem packed with emotion and meaning. Thank you very much for entering my contest and good luck.


  • Quixotic Greeters member
    May 17

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    This was different for me but very enjoyable. Liked the concept and how it was structured. It kinda read like statistics to me. Made me think about things...very well done. Bravo! ~D


  • Champaign Kisses
    May 5
    Edit | Reply
    WOW


  • Friesian gold member
    April 26
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    This was dark!

    Very dark and dreary! I liked the imagery! ^.^ Keep writin!


  • Hate
    April 18

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    I've currently placed you in the finalist list.
    I'm not entirely sure I find this story depressing, as such, but I liked the way it was set out. Very short. Very snappy. Also very different from the other, weaker poems I have recieved for this contest.
    Btw, in line 6, there should be a ' after the word *friends


  • Glowstarcharmer
    April 17

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    This poem had an excellent feeling of futility to it. It breaks my heart when you read about war in the paper or hear about it on the news and human lives are reduced to mere statistics. This poem had a real sense of bitterness behind it. I have friends and family who have served in the army and seen combat and I dont think the individuals should be lost as a list of numbers. Well done with this poem. It really makes the reader think. Good luck with the contests.

    X Amber X


    • valentine7
      April 17
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      Thank you for your kind words. You have the mood of the poem spot on and I agree with the statements you have made. Thanks again for taking the time to read it.


      • Glowstarcharmer
        April 17
        Edit | Reply
        No problem my dear, it was an enjoyable read. Well sort of. Death is never enjoyable but you know what I mean. It was really well written. X


  • Katty
    April 16

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    Wow, that was so powerful, it was almost creepy! The way you used those words made you feel like you were standing out on a battlefield or something! Very good job and thanks for entering my contest!

    *KAT*

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