A long, graceful hand snaked out of a cerulean blue sleeve, one finger tapped rapidly against the arm of a massive wooden chair. The torches cast shadows across the pale skin.1
A cloak covered the figure, as it sat looming over the two men on the floor before it. It’s hood thrown back revealing a pile of dark forest green hair, orange streaks peppered it here and there.2
The tapping echoed throughout the barren room. The walls were unadorned with any decoration and only held lit torches. The smoke drifted up to cover the ceiling and the smell stained the very stones around them. Gray stones patterned in a spiral lined the floor, coming to end at the foot of the highly polished chair.3
“What do you mean you can’t find her?” The cloaked figure’s melodious voice slid through the air. The men that stood before the figure trembled violently as if they had been left outside with out a cloak on a cold night. The men looked at each other before one stepped forward. Grabbing his hat from his dark head he wrung it like a dishtowel.4
“W-w-we searched her village. Even questioned a few of the townspeople. They all said she was there one day and then gone the next.” He stepped back as if being next to the other man made him feel safer.5
“So the Enchantress Whetu is one step a head of me? Or so she thinks.” A low chuckle emerged from plump, pale lips. “And the flame bearer? What of the gypsy girl?6
The man that had not spoken yet raised his voice, “Ragnorak City is destroyed, Mistress. The men searched the city, there were no survivors.”7
The Sorceress sat forward slightly. She laid her cloaked elbows on her knees and rested a pale, pointed chin upon her palms. The silence was thick. Apprehension layered with fear was a familiar scent in the room.8
Finally it was more than the first man could handle and he broke the silence. “Mistress, what would you like us to do now?”9
Still the seconds passed as the sorcessoress let the men suffer. Not finding the enchantress was disappointment and she seethed under her cool exterior.10
Her eyes flashed as the men shifted from discomfort. “Find them or bring me their bodies," she yelled, causing the torches waver from the force.11
“B-b-but sorceress, how are we supposed to do that?’ asked the second man. “The city has been destroyed.”12
She sat forward a little more and softly said, “Then search through the ruins."13
The man jumped and hurried out the door.14
It was this same position that Poldi found Sorceress Kerstin an hour later.15
“Mistress,” he started, only to have Sorceress Kerstin wave him quiet..16
Poldi wrung his hands nervously. The chubby man chewed his bottom lip making his double chin quiver. Sweat rolled in sheets down his baldhead, pooling in the creases of his neck.17
At last Sorceress Kerstin turned towards the trembling man. “What do you need?”18
“M-m-mistress,”19
“Oh do stop shaking so. It’s giving me a headache,” Sorceress Kerstin barked.20
Poldi bowed quickly a series of times. His chin’s quivering profoundly with the gestures. “Master Reimund is here to see you.”21
Sorceress Kerstin nodded. “Good! How long has he been waiting?”22
Poldi continued to wring his hands while bobbing his head nervously. “Twenty minutes, Ma'am.”23
“Very good. Escort Reimund into the study, and Poldi,” she paused, “don’t forget the wine this time.”24
Poldi squeaked and ran out of the room followed by Sorceress’ Kerstin rumbling laughter.25
* * *26
The man sitting remained where he was as the door swung silently open. Sorceress Kerstin stepped noiselessly into the study. Carpets of black and red lined the room, overlapping each other. Cushioned chairs sat in intimate settings at each corner of the room. A huge, six-drawer desk sat in the middle. Books and papers lay haphazardly across the surface, blocking out the deep cherry tone of the wood. Along two walls, shelves lined with books of all sizes and color. Some of the finest literature sat on the dusty shelves. On either side of the doors, hung maps of the north and south regions; with the major cities marked with dyed porcupine quills. Four, floor to ceiling windows let in the waning light of the afternoon.27
None of this mattered to Sorceress Kerstin. Her thoughts were focused on the disrespectful toad of a man sitting in the chair at the desk. His muddy boots were resting on a pristine book. His long legs were clothed in soft brown pants with a white shirt. Short stubby fingers flipped lazily through a book, not really reading. He wore no weapons but his relaxed posture gave a glimpse of readiness at the moments notice.28
Under hooded eyelids he glanced at Sorceress Kerstin as the mistress stopped in front of him.29
“Get your filthy boots off the books,” Sorceress Kerstin hissed.30
After a grief hesitation, slowly Reimund set them one by one down. A sly smirk played upon his slim lips, “Yes, Sorceress Kerstin," he replied sarcastically.31
They both turned as the door opened once again. Poldi entered with a tray of Rumienic Red and a variety of cheeses.32
Silently the big man cleared a place on the desk, set the try down then hobbled out.33
“Have you located the girl?" Reimund asked after Poldi shut the door.34
Kerstin snarled and clicked her wrist. Reimund clawed at his throat as he tried to take in air. His face turned pink then rapidly a bright red. Soon Reimund’s dark eyes were rolling back in his head. He continued to claw at his throat, scraps appeared on his neck.35
With another flick of Kerstin’s wrist and Reimund was released.36
With hands on his knees Reimund gulped air like a man without water. Sweat dripped from strands of dark hair.37
“You will remember your place, Reimund. I don’t want to remind you again,” Sorceress Kerstin said softly.38
Reimund glared venomously as he nodded. The smell of sweat and fear now filled the room. Reimund shivered as the sweat dried on his forehead.39
“Now, where were we?" she asked. “Oh yes, the city of Ragnarok has been destroyed.”40
“But what of the girl?”41
“My general says there was no survivors.” Sorceress Kerstin poured win into two crystal goblets.42
“And you believe him, without proof?” Spit Reimund.43
“Watch your tone. No I’ve sent him back to find her body. You’ve given a vague description of her, so it may be several bodies to bring,” said Sorceress Kerstin gleefully. 44
“I last saw her when she was young. I gave you all I had,” said Reimund looking towards the floor.45
Sorceress Kerstin stared at the man, measuring his worth. “Uh-huh, and have you located the map?" She took a drink of the wine, not really tasting it and walked to the windows.46
Below the tower a dense forest grew. Trees in various developmental stages made the perfect wall around her stronghold. A natural spring feed the compound, from deep in the mountain.47
Hushed footsteps stopped just out of Sorceress Kerstin’s sight. A soft clearing of Reimund’s throat already answered Kerstin’s question.48
Turning to Reimund, the mistress asked again, “Where is the map? You promised me you’d have the map.”49
Backing up a step from the angry mistress, Reimund replied, “Now, Mistress. It’s not been as easy as I thought it would be.”50
“You came to me promising me the map to the Runes. For the map you asked that this gypsy girl be killed. I have kept up my end of the deal, but you, you have not. What am I to think? My men think I already have the Runes. They believe the Gods are on their side because I hold the Runes.” With every word the volume grew, and she took a step forward pushing Reimund back. “Now what are we going to do about this little problem?”51
They stopped when Reimund’s back hit the wall. Behind him was the map of the Southern region.52
With eyes wide and sweat beading his upper lip, he glanced at the map. “Well mistress, we were focusing our search in the northern region, but we’ve found a woman who claims that they are buried-“53
Kerstin held up her hand to silence Reimund. “Enough.”54
Around them the air grew heavy, breathing became more labored, as Kerstin gathered power. The hair on the back of her neck and arms stood up as if she had rubbed her feet across the rugs many times.55
Reimund inched his solid frame towards the door. He felt the heaviness of his chest and knew he needed to get some space between himself and the Sorceress before her power climaxed. He knew not what would happen, but he knew enough to gain distance.56
Kerstin unclenched her shoulders when she noticed Reimund shuffling against the wall. Lifting her chin she stopped he before he got too far.57
“Find me the map,” she hissed through gritted teeth. “No more excuses, no more mistakes. Bring me the map or else."58
Reimund nodded shakily and turned on his heels and promptly walked away. Once out of the Sorceress' hidden stronghold, Reimund growled venomously, spitting every curse word he knew at the witch. "Why in the blazing inferno did I ever approach that demon?"59
He stormed toward the stables where he was greeted by a very frightened stable master. The man spoke with a slight lisp, "Mashter Reimund, I-I-I kept her fed, ash you ashked..."60
Reimund snarled at the man. "What, you want a blazing medal?"61
The man squeeked and stepped back. "N-no, shir, but you-you promished five ironpiece..."62
Reimund's nostrils flared, infuriated that the little man was still pestering him. Digging into his pocket, Reimund retrieved a handful of iron and bronze coins and threw them at the stable master, who eagerly and wide-eyed dived at them, collecting more than his promised five iron.63
Reimund passed by the man and into the stables. The horses had all fallen deathly silent, though they had made quite a stir when Reimund and his pet arrived. Walking to the far end, he opened the door to the last stall and stared up at the beast that waited there. It stood on four legs and was still more than five feet above its master's head. Its neck was long and its head an oval, the large black eyes on either side with a massive nose dividing them. The chin split in two, forming the mouth that was wide enough to devour half a man's arm in a single bite, and full of teeth sharp enough to severe even metal. At the end of each foot sprouted three large toes, each ending in a curved, sharp claw. The creature's skin was a pale blue, hardened by age and covered with blackened steel. A brown saddle was strapped to its large back and reigns to its mouth and chin. It bellowed a roar that shook the stables when it saw Reimund, purring in affection for him.64
Stretching out his hand, Reimund gently scratched behind the rigged holes on the top of its head that acted as ears. "Good girl," he whispered. It lowered itself to the groun and Reimund slung himself into the saddle. Whipping the reigns, he spurred the creature, which reared back and roared again before charging forward and bursting out of the stables. The stable master dove aside as Reimund and his beast tore past him and vanished into the forest.
A cloak covered the figure, as it sat looming over the two men on the floor before it. It’s hood thrown back revealing a pile of dark forest green hair, orange streaks peppered it here and there.2
The tapping echoed throughout the barren room. The walls were unadorned with any decoration and only held lit torches. The smoke drifted up to cover the ceiling and the smell stained the very stones around them. Gray stones patterned in a spiral lined the floor, coming to end at the foot of the highly polished chair.3
“What do you mean you can’t find her?” The cloaked figure’s melodious voice slid through the air. The men that stood before the figure trembled violently as if they had been left outside with out a cloak on a cold night. The men looked at each other before one stepped forward. Grabbing his hat from his dark head he wrung it like a dishtowel.4
“W-w-we searched her village. Even questioned a few of the townspeople. They all said she was there one day and then gone the next.” He stepped back as if being next to the other man made him feel safer.5
“So the Enchantress Whetu is one step a head of me? Or so she thinks.” A low chuckle emerged from plump, pale lips. “And the flame bearer? What of the gypsy girl?6
The man that had not spoken yet raised his voice, “Ragnorak City is destroyed, Mistress. The men searched the city, there were no survivors.”7
The Sorceress sat forward slightly. She laid her cloaked elbows on her knees and rested a pale, pointed chin upon her palms. The silence was thick. Apprehension layered with fear was a familiar scent in the room.8
Finally it was more than the first man could handle and he broke the silence. “Mistress, what would you like us to do now?”9
Still the seconds passed as the sorcessoress let the men suffer. Not finding the enchantress was disappointment and she seethed under her cool exterior.10
Her eyes flashed as the men shifted from discomfort. “Find them or bring me their bodies," she yelled, causing the torches waver from the force.11
“B-b-but sorceress, how are we supposed to do that?’ asked the second man. “The city has been destroyed.”12
She sat forward a little more and softly said, “Then search through the ruins."13
The man jumped and hurried out the door.14
It was this same position that Poldi found Sorceress Kerstin an hour later.15
“Mistress,” he started, only to have Sorceress Kerstin wave him quiet..16
Poldi wrung his hands nervously. The chubby man chewed his bottom lip making his double chin quiver. Sweat rolled in sheets down his baldhead, pooling in the creases of his neck.17
At last Sorceress Kerstin turned towards the trembling man. “What do you need?”18
“M-m-mistress,”19
“Oh do stop shaking so. It’s giving me a headache,” Sorceress Kerstin barked.20
Poldi bowed quickly a series of times. His chin’s quivering profoundly with the gestures. “Master Reimund is here to see you.”21
Sorceress Kerstin nodded. “Good! How long has he been waiting?”22
Poldi continued to wring his hands while bobbing his head nervously. “Twenty minutes, Ma'am.”23
“Very good. Escort Reimund into the study, and Poldi,” she paused, “don’t forget the wine this time.”24
Poldi squeaked and ran out of the room followed by Sorceress’ Kerstin rumbling laughter.25
* * *26
The man sitting remained where he was as the door swung silently open. Sorceress Kerstin stepped noiselessly into the study. Carpets of black and red lined the room, overlapping each other. Cushioned chairs sat in intimate settings at each corner of the room. A huge, six-drawer desk sat in the middle. Books and papers lay haphazardly across the surface, blocking out the deep cherry tone of the wood. Along two walls, shelves lined with books of all sizes and color. Some of the finest literature sat on the dusty shelves. On either side of the doors, hung maps of the north and south regions; with the major cities marked with dyed porcupine quills. Four, floor to ceiling windows let in the waning light of the afternoon.27
None of this mattered to Sorceress Kerstin. Her thoughts were focused on the disrespectful toad of a man sitting in the chair at the desk. His muddy boots were resting on a pristine book. His long legs were clothed in soft brown pants with a white shirt. Short stubby fingers flipped lazily through a book, not really reading. He wore no weapons but his relaxed posture gave a glimpse of readiness at the moments notice.28
Under hooded eyelids he glanced at Sorceress Kerstin as the mistress stopped in front of him.29
“Get your filthy boots off the books,” Sorceress Kerstin hissed.30
After a grief hesitation, slowly Reimund set them one by one down. A sly smirk played upon his slim lips, “Yes, Sorceress Kerstin," he replied sarcastically.31
They both turned as the door opened once again. Poldi entered with a tray of Rumienic Red and a variety of cheeses.32
Silently the big man cleared a place on the desk, set the try down then hobbled out.33
“Have you located the girl?" Reimund asked after Poldi shut the door.34
Kerstin snarled and clicked her wrist. Reimund clawed at his throat as he tried to take in air. His face turned pink then rapidly a bright red. Soon Reimund’s dark eyes were rolling back in his head. He continued to claw at his throat, scraps appeared on his neck.35
With another flick of Kerstin’s wrist and Reimund was released.36
With hands on his knees Reimund gulped air like a man without water. Sweat dripped from strands of dark hair.37
“You will remember your place, Reimund. I don’t want to remind you again,” Sorceress Kerstin said softly.38
Reimund glared venomously as he nodded. The smell of sweat and fear now filled the room. Reimund shivered as the sweat dried on his forehead.39
“Now, where were we?" she asked. “Oh yes, the city of Ragnarok has been destroyed.”40
“But what of the girl?”41
“My general says there was no survivors.” Sorceress Kerstin poured win into two crystal goblets.42
“And you believe him, without proof?” Spit Reimund.43
“Watch your tone. No I’ve sent him back to find her body. You’ve given a vague description of her, so it may be several bodies to bring,” said Sorceress Kerstin gleefully. 44
“I last saw her when she was young. I gave you all I had,” said Reimund looking towards the floor.45
Sorceress Kerstin stared at the man, measuring his worth. “Uh-huh, and have you located the map?" She took a drink of the wine, not really tasting it and walked to the windows.46
Below the tower a dense forest grew. Trees in various developmental stages made the perfect wall around her stronghold. A natural spring feed the compound, from deep in the mountain.47
Hushed footsteps stopped just out of Sorceress Kerstin’s sight. A soft clearing of Reimund’s throat already answered Kerstin’s question.48
Turning to Reimund, the mistress asked again, “Where is the map? You promised me you’d have the map.”49
Backing up a step from the angry mistress, Reimund replied, “Now, Mistress. It’s not been as easy as I thought it would be.”50
“You came to me promising me the map to the Runes. For the map you asked that this gypsy girl be killed. I have kept up my end of the deal, but you, you have not. What am I to think? My men think I already have the Runes. They believe the Gods are on their side because I hold the Runes.” With every word the volume grew, and she took a step forward pushing Reimund back. “Now what are we going to do about this little problem?”51
They stopped when Reimund’s back hit the wall. Behind him was the map of the Southern region.52
With eyes wide and sweat beading his upper lip, he glanced at the map. “Well mistress, we were focusing our search in the northern region, but we’ve found a woman who claims that they are buried-“53
Kerstin held up her hand to silence Reimund. “Enough.”54
Around them the air grew heavy, breathing became more labored, as Kerstin gathered power. The hair on the back of her neck and arms stood up as if she had rubbed her feet across the rugs many times.55
Reimund inched his solid frame towards the door. He felt the heaviness of his chest and knew he needed to get some space between himself and the Sorceress before her power climaxed. He knew not what would happen, but he knew enough to gain distance.56
Kerstin unclenched her shoulders when she noticed Reimund shuffling against the wall. Lifting her chin she stopped he before he got too far.57
“Find me the map,” she hissed through gritted teeth. “No more excuses, no more mistakes. Bring me the map or else."58
Reimund nodded shakily and turned on his heels and promptly walked away. Once out of the Sorceress' hidden stronghold, Reimund growled venomously, spitting every curse word he knew at the witch. "Why in the blazing inferno did I ever approach that demon?"59
He stormed toward the stables where he was greeted by a very frightened stable master. The man spoke with a slight lisp, "Mashter Reimund, I-I-I kept her fed, ash you ashked..."60
Reimund snarled at the man. "What, you want a blazing medal?"61
The man squeeked and stepped back. "N-no, shir, but you-you promished five ironpiece..."62
Reimund's nostrils flared, infuriated that the little man was still pestering him. Digging into his pocket, Reimund retrieved a handful of iron and bronze coins and threw them at the stable master, who eagerly and wide-eyed dived at them, collecting more than his promised five iron.63
Reimund passed by the man and into the stables. The horses had all fallen deathly silent, though they had made quite a stir when Reimund and his pet arrived. Walking to the far end, he opened the door to the last stall and stared up at the beast that waited there. It stood on four legs and was still more than five feet above its master's head. Its neck was long and its head an oval, the large black eyes on either side with a massive nose dividing them. The chin split in two, forming the mouth that was wide enough to devour half a man's arm in a single bite, and full of teeth sharp enough to severe even metal. At the end of each foot sprouted three large toes, each ending in a curved, sharp claw. The creature's skin was a pale blue, hardened by age and covered with blackened steel. A brown saddle was strapped to its large back and reigns to its mouth and chin. It bellowed a roar that shook the stables when it saw Reimund, purring in affection for him.64
Stretching out his hand, Reimund gently scratched behind the rigged holes on the top of its head that acted as ears. "Good girl," he whispered. It lowered itself to the groun and Reimund slung himself into the saddle. Whipping the reigns, he spurred the creature, which reared back and roared again before charging forward and bursting out of the stables. The stable master dove aside as Reimund and his beast tore past him and vanished into the forest.
In a list
Please tell me what you think [Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
-
Loved the detail
The detail was excellent. I especially liked the first bit of detail, some not very well-used words, and its always nice to see words you don't see much, especially when they fit in so well.
I agree with Lynn below, it really does have 'great powerful detail'.
And as for the suggestion below: Sorceress Kersten growled, if you want her to be saying it softly but menacingly, how about 'hissed'?
. Rewarded 8
-
Excellent Chapter!
You brought in the villains! Yay! You both did a very nice job here! Great powerful details that pulled me into this piece right away. You gave enough of the bcakground story to tease the reader. I loved it! Can't wait for more!
Suggestions below:
asked the second man.
name before dialogue tag,
The second man said
“You will remember your place, Reimund. I don’t want to remind you again,” (Sorceress Kerstin said softly).38
Sorceress Kerstin said softly
Softly does not work for me.
How about Sorceress Kerstin growled.
“Watch your tone. No I’ve sent him back to find her body. You’ve given a vague description of her, so it may be several bodies to bring,” (said Sorceress Kerstin gleefully.) 44
Name before dialogue tag,
Sorceress Kerstin said
Delete gleefully
Remember Sorceress Kerstin is one of the villains. Make her drip of evil, so her dialogue is rough and cold.
Great job!
Lynn


. Rewarded 8
-
A long, graceful hand snaked out of a cerulean blue sleeve, one finger tapped rapidly against the arm of a massive wooden chair.
the comma after sleeve should actually be the word 'as' this would make it flow easier and sound less choppy.
A cloak covered the figure, as it sat looming
the comma after figure isn't necessary
The men that stood before the figure trembled violently as if they had been left outside with out a cloak on a cold night.
I find this sentence a little awkward. I'm not sure if you're referring to 'the men' or the 'figure'.
only to have Sorceress Kerstin wave him quiet..16
extra fullstop
His chin’s quivering profoundly with the gestures.
Watch tenses.. quivering should be quivered
The man sitting remained where he was as the door swung silently open
again an awkward sentence...If you said something like 'The man remained sitting where he was as the door swung open.
Books and papers lay haphazardly across the surface, blocking out the deep cherry tone of the wood.
since papers are blocking it you wouldn't know it was a deep cherry wood
said Reimund looking towards the floor.45
should have a comma after Reimund
Those were the suggestions I noticed. As for the story line, while this is not my typical genre for reading. It kept my attention. It was interesting and well thought out. While awkward in places it flowed well. Keep up the good work.. Rewarded 8
-
-
Will fix all of those. Thanks for pointing them out

Brooke
-
-
Interesting chapter here. Now we meet the dark side of the equation.
So now we have a good(?) enchantress and an evil sorceress, with two people on each side, so far.
We still know little about Whetu though, aside from her showing up in Ragnorak after it's been destroyed and helping Avalon to escape.
Yet what is her real reason for that? And what brought her there in the first place? Hmmm.
Sorceress is mis-spelled in 10 and 'Sorceress' Kerstin' should be 'Sorceress Kerstin's' in 25.
There are a few mis-punctuations but you'll see them upon revision. (Ok, so I'm just being lazy right now.)
I'm also interested in these Runes and what they will lead to.
Avalon has a map to them? So she and Whetu seem to have an advantage, but do they know that? I bet Whetu does. Very interesting.
Great story so far guys. Let's see what happens next.
Greg


. Rewarded 8
-
-
So many questions where to start.
Oh wait if I do that then I give away the story. Guess you'll just have to wait and see.
-
-
wonderful story.. nice ending point. very good plot and i hope there is more to the story.. .. nice work.
. Rewarded 4
-
-
Thank you for commenting.

Brooke
-
-
Ah yes, another very interesting chapter here. Kerstin is a nice and evil character. Not only that, but Reimund is not a very happy dude either. I kinda like him. This was a nice quick read and didn't bog down with unnecessary details. The flow of your prose is much better in this chapter than in the previous 2.
So, let me get this straight...Reimund wanted the young girl murdered in exchange for a map to the Runes. Correct? This was the young girl who survived the destruction of Ragnarok, yes? I'm trying to remember...read a lot of fantasy in the last few days and trying to keep stories straight! LOL
Good work, Brooke and OKG! Keep posting!

. Rewarded 8
-
-
Yes, on the murder and Runes. And yes she was the one the survived.
Sometimes it's hard to keep all those fantasy plots seperate.
Thanks for stopping by and reading
Brooke
-
-
I think...WOW! (=
Wow this was unique, I haven't began with it but I hopefully will soon, I liked the characters and how descriptive you are, I liked the first line, it got me gripped into the story
Wonderful story!
Missi. Rewarded 4
-
-
Thanks for reading. The Fourth section is coming up soon.
-
-
Another....
...well written, interesting and very descriptive chapter, providing background and plot to your story. I prefer to leave nice clean commentary, so I have sent you a message with some suggestions.
Keep the story cooking right along!
regards...
amicus...
. Rewarded 6
-
-
Thanks. Seems to be running on it's own course these days.

-
1 - 14 of 14









