Golden

A young man walked down through the sand, every step graceful and even. The sun illuminated his golden hair as he made his way down to the water. Golden skin glistened in the sun, attracting many pairs of surrounding eyes. He was irresistible. 1

A small smile played on his lips as he lazily mulled over his many options. There were so many possibilities, one could never just choose at random. When you had options like he did, you didn't waste them. Unlike most of the males like him, he wouldn't settle for just anyone. Choosing was half the fun.2

His dark eyes flickered back and forth between a tall brunette and a petite blonde. They were pretty, but neither of them gave off the right feel. He had a very specific taste. Besides, he preferred it when they smelled more like a fruit than a flower. 3

Wrinkling his nose, he waded into the water. He didn't like the way those girl had smelled. Their floral scents just didn't suit him at all. He honestly didn't care what their hair color was as long as they were semi-pretty and had come alone. It was terribly difficult to pick up on them in groups.4

His head snapped to the left when he noticed a pretty little raven-haired girl standing in the water only a few feet away. Damn water. It weakened the lovely smell of raspberries that emanated from pale skin. A playful smirk fell upon his face as he gazed into her honey brown eyes. She would most definitely do.5

Running a 'nervous' hand through his hair, he waded over to the girl with a sheepish smile. As he made his way over, he pretended to be absorbed in watching a volleyball game happening on the sand. He feigned horror as he 'suddenly realized' that he'd bumped into someone. And it happened to be that pretty girl. What a coincidence.6

"I'm so sorry," Gabriel said in his rich, silky voice.7

He was trying his hardest to sound sincerely apologetic. As good of an actor as he was, sincerity really was a weak point of his.8

"Oh, it’s okay," the girl said, turning to look at him.9

He had to hide the triumphant smirk that threatened to cross his face. She was under his intricate spell of beauty and lies. The tiny doe-eyed girl was in the palm of his hands.10

"I'm very sorry to bother you with this, but do you know where the Summer Creek Hotel is? I have a terrible sense of direction," he told her, his expression soft and vulnerable.11

'Like a puppy,' he thought gleefully. How easily fooled those women were. All it took were a few lies and she was playing right into his trap. Of course, she didn't know that. No one did. Well, except him.12

"I'll take you there," she offered, sneaking a peak at his well-defined muscles.13

"Really? Thank you so much!" He exclaimed with fake enthusiasm.14

He hated this part. In each and every single one of his schemes, he had to pretend to be just ever so grateful. Gabriel nearly choked on laughter at the idea of being sincerely gracious. He never meant a word he said.15

Too bad the raven-haired girl hadn't figured that out. As soon as they were away from the masses, he put the best part of his plan into action.16

"Oh! I think I took a short cut through here!" he said, pointing to a little alleyway.17

He was getting too restless. While he usually enjoyed drawing this part out a while, he was becoming impatient. Damn. Gabriel just hoped she was stupid enough to follow him.1818

"Then let's take the short cut," the girl agreed dazedly.19

She was too charmed by his dashing good looks and winning personality to think twice about their path. Usually he preferred to use some creativity in his hunt, but desperate times called for desperate measures. And for him, a desperate measure was using an alley way. How cliche.20

There didn't have to be a dead end for him to make his move. All it took was one swift, graceful movement and the girl was pinned to the wall. Gazing into her eyes, he smiled a dark, cruel smile.21

"The game's over my little bird," he murmured, pressing his face against her neck.22

It was then that the girl struggled. The spell was broken and all become clear. Fear coursed through her petite frame as she tried to squirm out of his grasp.2323

Gabriel merely laughed at the girl's desperate attempt at escape. If he hadn't been so hungry, he probably would have let her run a little longer. The chase was usually the best part.24

Finally allowing the hidden desire to surface, he bared his pure white fangs of doom and ever so softly sank them into the girl's tender flesh.25

No scream echoed through the alley as he finished the job. She hadn't had time; he'd been too hungry. Torturous deceit was too difficult on an empty stomach. 26

With his body once again filled with the warm, red liquid, Gabriel briskly set off for home.27

"There's a sucker bitten every day," he mused.

Author notes

Um, well, vampires aren't exactly my forte, but this is my attempt at it. First and only vampire story I've ever written.

A contest entry

What did you think?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 31 of 31

  • tonialoise silver member
    1 day ago
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Not bad.

    The only thing I had trouble with in this piece is when you're talking about the "raven haired girl" all except once or twice you reffered to her as tiny and a girl, for a while I thought it was a kid.

    It's nice how you have him out in the sun on a busy beach. I like how he admits he's being cliche too!

    It's pretty well written and an enjoyable read.


  • SchizoMatt
    November 14
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Good story. Good point of view. But, you are kind of walking the borderline between real vampire and Twilight vampire. Although, the modified P.T. Barnum quote is a nice touch.


  • cole3313
    September 30
    Edit | Reply
    This was written really good.
    I thought it was great!
    Vampires rock!
    Good job and good luck.


  • Dragon of Earth
    September 13
    Edit | Reply
    And I thought it was going to take a month to read...
    This is a good sotry. I really don't think it's much fun. I like long vampire stories, you know.
    It's pretty good. But where's the acton? It's pretty much just another hunt.
    Keep writing! \
    -Lynn


  • Wildstar
    July 18
    Edit | Reply

    Good!

    VERY good description! I really enjoyed this.

    "He had to hide the triumphant smirk that threatened to cross his face."

    I absolutely adored that! Its little things that capture a readers perspective like that! Good luck in the contest. The only complaint I have is its a bit choppy, but I'll cut you some slack. I used to have that problem too! Good luck!


  • dreaminwriter
    July 15
    Edit | Reply
    well written, your last line was quite funny. short and sweet


  • tutie7
    June 9
    Edit | Reply
    short and sweet and to the point when it comes to vampires. you do change is up a bit this the whole beach scene but i felt the ending was a little too quick and maybe stereotypical. either way i liked the subtle differences you introduced. good job.

  • WillyLee
    May 22
    Edit | Reply
    Held my interest and is well written. I have read and commented on this story before but I enjoyed reading it again. The storyline is really very thin, but that is not a bad thing, because your descriptive details are good enough to make it work. I believe that if you have good characters, description, and dialog, you don't need or want a complicated story with a lot of twists and turns. I would maybe have liked more about the characters, their feelings and motivations, although you do have a some of that already. As a basic vampire story I think it is pretty good.

    Style and grammar are competent and professional. The only thing I can pick on is in paragraph 13, peak should be peek.

    Thank you for entering the contest!


  • NinjaMegami
    May 19
    Edit | Reply

    what the.....?

    you enterd this in one of my contests already.....um.....oh well?


  • Vampiric souls
    May 19

    Edit | Reply

    WOW

    there was some real thought going into this and I think that this is just great. I hope I get a chance to read more like this, it is awesome!!


  • Romeo Incarnate
    May 13
    Edit | Reply

    < Muhahahah!

    How did I know that would be the place you would add it? I'm just good like that I guess.... now to read the last 2 remaining stories!!!


  • Romeo Incarnate
    May 13

    Edit | Reply

    WOW!!

    I was definately thinking this was going somewhere else until it caught me completely off gaurd!! nice Job!! only problem, I cant allow you to win or even runner up or anything unless the of doom is in the actual story... no authors notes.... sorry


  • ForgottenVoice silver member
    May 10
    Edit | Reply
    very amazing. good job.


  • callthexylophone
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    AHHHHH! I can't believe that this hasn't won any high level trophies! What a shame. This entry is perfect for my contest. I promise to give you a better comment later in which I discuss your writing style and word usuage. Good luck in my contest!


  • NinjaMegami
    May 7

    Edit | Reply

    !!!!!

    sorry, i said i can't comment! urg! i really wana say a lot of good things about this! shhhhh...pretend i never said that! you are so cool to be my first entrant! rock on!!!!!


  • ainshbu
    May 6
    Edit | Reply
    that was really good sad he killed her but i will get over it.


  • xxHeartbrokenxx
    May 5
    Edit | Reply
    that was very good! i likey!


  • Miss Belligerence
    May 4
    Edit | Reply
    I count vampire stories as fantasy and I wrote in the rules no fantasy, so I'm sorry but I'm going to have to disqualify you.
    However I did read your story. It was alright, you used the word golden a bit too much and your story was a pretty typical vampire story so it was a little boring for my taste. but then again I'm not into fantasy stories so...
    -gibson


  • Twilight-Lover
    May 4
    Edit | Reply

    Awesome

    Wow. I love your story. You're an inspiration to us all, I especially love the ending.


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    May 3

    Edit | Reply
    *laughs* That last line is perfect! I like all of the descriptions you use - smells and sights etc. They add to the story. I also have to say that I was expecting some kind of murderer or rapist, and not a vampire, so either I'm not used to this genre or you did a good job of hiding that fact. Personally, I think you did a good job. Best of luck!


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    May 1

    Edit | Reply
    Nice dialog and great descriptions.
    Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
    Brooke
    greeter


  • Olinda
    April 29
    Edit | Reply
    this is a very good story. I really like this!

  • WillyLee
    April 28

    Edit | Reply
    Good job. This vampire fellow is attuned to smells. Usually women are attuned to smell and touch while guys tend to be visual. So while reading I was thinking you should tell what the girl looks like as opposed to what she smells like. But since this guy is a vampire hungry for blood,and smell is a sense we associate with hunger, the way you wrote it is fine. I like it.


  • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
    April 27
    Edit | Reply

    Good Story

    p4 He didn't like the way those (girls) had smelled. p17 short cut through (here)!"

    Just another meal for a famished vampire, this tale is told pretty well. I thought it might turn out that the girl was setting a trap for the vampire, but not the case. I enjoyed this story.

    Thanks for entering the new member contest. Welcome to Storywrite.

    Andy

  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    April 27

    Edit | Reply
    Great scenery, good flow to the plot and interesting characters. Your dialogue mixes well fitting into the activity taking place . You have good beginning here.

    I think beginning because I see a lot of potential for a longer work.

    A short story idea?

    You had me convinced the girl wasn’t as dumb as she appeared. Especially when you switched to her POV for a bit. I expected her to be either another Vampire or a Vampire hunter.

    So IMHO the ending kind of disappoints.

    You will, like all of us, need some editing;

    "Oh! I think I took a short cut through her! (here.)" he said, pointing to a little alleyway.17

    . Rewarded 8


  • dark-fantasies
    April 27

    Edit | Reply
    Very good flow and style- I really enjoyed this. It captures your attention and draws you in completely. The pace was very good, and your character was interesting. A little more of a background to him would've added a bit more depth, but overall I thought you did a great job. My only critique would be that I thought line 20 was a bit off- it didn't flow terribly well with the rest of the story, but the flow picked up again right after that. And the vampire in the alley theme really is overused in vampire stories, but I suppose there really isn't any other place for them to do their dirty work is there? =b Well done.

    . Rewarded 8

  • angorarose
    April 25

    Edit | Reply

    Good descrptive quality

    I look forward to reading more. He, your character, has peaked my interest. I was a journalism major in college and would like to know Who, What, Where, When, Why and if possible, How. Those are the questions every reader/listener wants to know.


  • Lawliet
    April 24
    Edit | Reply
    ....this is descriptive, but, uber short! You are going to continue it, right?

1 - 31 of 31