These Words I Thought I'd Never Speak

Alex and I met two years ago at a college party for graphic design majors. I knew as soon as I saw him, that I wanted to be with him. He was incredibly attractive as the typical tall, dark, and handsome type. He was well sculpted, and had amazing green eyes. I finally got up the nerve to go and talk to him. Amazingly, we hit it off right away. I walked away from that party with a phone number and a date set for the next Friday night.1

Alex and I fell in love quickly. He was just so easy to talk to, he laughed easily, and he had a great sense of humor. Alex's eyes sparkled whenever he smiled and he had amazing teeth. Not to mention the fact that he was a great kisser! A year passed and we were still going strong. During that year we had discussed our future, things like marriage and children. On the day of our year anniversary, Alex proposed and I said yes. We set the date for our wedding for the following June, a little over a year from that point.2

Then it happened.3

Alex started becoming a little distant. I knew that sometimes I was probably a little bit annoying because I was trying to get our wedding planned, but sometimes he was downright detached from the whole thing. He disappeared a lot to make phone calls. I started becoming a little suspicious.4

In late November, I made my way over to Alex's apartment to ask him about what engagment picture we wanted to use in the announcements. What I saw made me sick to my stomach. He was leaving the apartment with Ashlyn Conrad, an old classmate of ours. For a second I wanted to believe that they were just friends visiting each other or something, but then I saw him kiss her. And it was a more passionate kiss than I had recieved lately.5

With tears in my eyes I turned and ran back in the direction of my apartment. I made it back and threw myself on the bed, sobbing uncontrollably. Much as I wanted to call the whole thing off, I didn't want to lose him. I had to think of something to keep him next to me. Five minutes later, I was at his apartment door with my key in hand. I knew he was not in and I knew what I had to do. Taking a deep breath, I entered the apartment, took off my coat and sat down on the couch.6

When Alex returned, he seemed surprised to see me sitting there. I walked up to him and gave him a kiss with all my love wrapped into it. "Darling," I said, "I want to move in together."7

Alex looked completely surprised, and though his smile seemed a little forced, he kissed me back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he spun me around. "This is great, my love!" He said.8

And so I moved in with him despite my family's disapproval. For awhile things seemed to be going well. I loved being in his arms every night, waking up to his face every morning. Sometimes though, he would be gone before I would wake up. I had no idea where he went or what he was doing. He never told me. As the day of our wedding grew nearer, he would be gone more and more. And more and more I would wake up crying because I knew he would not be there. When I would wake up at night, I would watch him sleep next to me; I knew what I had to do, and what I must say.9

I knew I could not make him stay. But I had to know how he really felt about me.10

It was April 10th. The very day we had met only two years ago. How ironic, it would be the day to end our relationship. I waited for him to return, and calmly I began to speak.11

"You know, love, I know about Ashlyn."12

"Wait.....What?" Alex was shocked.13

"Did you honestly think I wouldn't find out? I've known for a long time now, love." I continued.14

"Honey...no, no where would you get this idea?" Alex continued to play dumb as he reached for my hand. I pulled it away.15

"Alex, the truth." I said coldly.16

"I'm...I'm sorry..." He said simply.17

Tears began to spill over my eyelids as I continued. "Did you ever love me? Why did you let me move in with you? Why did you propose?"18

"I...I don't know...I still love you, Vannie. I love you!"19

"Then why did you do this to me, Alex?" my voice rose.20

"I...I don't know." He floundered.21

I let out a contemptuous laugh. "It figures. You know, I never thought I would say this, but," I slid the ring off my finger. "It's over, Alex. We're done." I put the ring in the palm of his hand and closed his fingers over it. 22

"Vanessa...please don't do this." Alex pleaded.23

"Alex," I said rising to leave, "You and I both know that you won't give up seeing Ashlyn. You are only doing this because you feel guilty. You don't really love me, and it's fine. I'm ok with it now."24

With that, I shut the door of Alex's apartment for the final time and went to start my new life.25

Alone.