The Late Night

It’s 11:11pm. Time for wishful thinking right? Wrong. My only wish, if I even dare believe in that nonsense is that I wish things were different. For some reason, and I can’t understand why, things always happen to me. I’m like a catch-all for all of the bad crap in the world. Nothing ever goes my way. It seems as if my parents aren’t listening, my friends (even my best ones) don’t care anymore, even God - where’d He go? It seems as if He’s forgotten me. And after today, it’s only going to get worse.1

At 7:30pm, I went over to a friend’s house. He was having a party. Plus he was kind of cute and I’m the kind of girl who, if I like someone, I WILL get them, just give me time. But, boy, was I in for a BIG surprise! So, I went to the party, which was full of hot music and of course, plenty of alcohol and I brought along some X, get the party up to the next level. Especially since I was probably the only sophomore in high school who knew how to party like a college student, so…2

Anyways, I was dancing and guess who entered the room? Him. So I discarded of the specimen I was dancing with and approached him. “Hey there. Want to dance?” Mind you, he had no idea who I was or how old I was. Which was in my favor, since he was a senior. “Yeah, sure. Don’t see why not.” At this point, I was beyond excited. Or so I thought. Boy, was I wrong.3

As we were dancing, I asked him, “You want to pick it up a notch?” And I pulled out my bag of X. “Oh snap!” “Give me some of that!” He said. So we both took some and went back to dancing’. About thirty minutes later, he told me, “Hey, I’m tired of dancing, come with me.” I knew what was about to happen. And I was so excited for it. When I was about to turn the corner, where his bedroom was, I heard footsteps, like someone was shifting their weight from one foot to another, and the next few moments, even though so short, I’ll never forget. Come ever so quickly towards my face, was a baseball bat. I ducked quickly, but it hit him. 4

“Felicity! What the hell are you doing?” I cried desperately. “Steven! Oh my gosh!” I could tell right away he was dead. He had that “I’m dead” sort of look. “What’s you problem?” I asked her. “You were about to have sex with my man, that’s the problem.” she snapped in response. “So? It’s a party, it happens. Get over it. Now, you don’t have a man because you just killed him! Smooth move, dumb-ass.”5

“Call the police and we’ll figure out a way to lie and not get ourselves busted.” So, we called the police. We told the party-goers to leave, that it was over, but never why it was over. Plus, we had to clean the place up and fast, because the police station is only like thirty minutes from the house. When they got here, we told them that we heard a loud noise towards the back of the house (where no one was) and we thought it was an intruder. So, we hit him with a bat, thinking it was an intruder, when it was him. Because as far as the cops know, there was no party. And they believed us. But we still had to go down to the station, some legal stuff. Gosh!6

So, here I am, it’s 11:11pm. About to be, 11:12pm in about, wait, never mind, it’s 11:12pm now, and I’m at a police station, filing a less than truthful report, hoping they’ll never find out. And I don’t know how Felicity and I are going to deal with school on Monday.7

Steven was the captain of the football team, the star quarterback. So we’re not going to be the most liked people ever again. It’s not like anything could get worse than this.8

*cell phone rings*

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Comments

  • warrior-eagle
    May 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Is there a next part?
    This sounds like real life,
    things that happen and it's sad...
    yet too real.

    ..Simply Me♥

  • SugarCandyKittyKat
    April 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I like this...pretty well written...you're great at this...


  • Tiger-Lily
    April 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hm...Poe in high school, lol.

    Interesting, but some things threw me off.

    Minor proofreading errors like:

    "...guess who enter the room?" line 3.

    "...was shifting their weight from on foot to another..." line 4.

    "Call the police and we’ll figure out a way to lie and not get ourselves busted. "

    This line needs " " marks as the protagonist is speaking.

    "partier’s " is wrong. Try "party-goers" instead.

    "...how me and Felicity are going to deal..." Replace with "Felicity and I".

    Hm...the only thing I had trouble with was the tone, such as words like "cuz". These, in my view, should never be used in a story, unless as dialogue. Also, when you have a new character speaking like in para 4, you should begin a new line. It makes for clearer reading.

    Another pointer...the exclamation marks should be reserved for dreams or dialogue only, as they anoy and throw off the reader if used in the main body or narration of the story.

    "Smooth move dumbass!”" needs "dumb-ass" instead, and a comma before it..

    Again, the exclamation thing, in para 4. "!!??" Annoys the reader. Use words like, "I cried, desperately" instead of the "?!" to show shock.

    Where Felicity goes "...my man", she should have "snapped in response" not simply "responded."

    If you want, I can give you detailed advice later, but since it's kinda late...I shall pen off.

    Gamer/HT