Displacement of love

http://www.wirelessmoment.com/Moonlight_20_2D_20CBS_20_2D_20Beth_20Turner_20takes_20cames_20phone_20photo_20of_20dead_20girl.jpg
 
 
She was beautiful.
One of the most exquisite beauties of the world.1

She Lay limpid, snow white and lifeless on a lime green sheet in the backyard of my Childhood home.2

She had stopped breathing not so long ago. As my hands had finally left her throat. 3

Red marks tainted her perfect skin, making her looks somewhat different. less perfect than everyone made her out to be.4

I kissed her forehead, tracing her hair as it blew in the wind.5

I loved her with all my heart, but she would never let me in. Not while she was in Gods eyes.6

I wanted her all to myself; Selfish it was.7

But like they say, people do foolish things when they think their about to lose someone they love.

A contest entry

Honesty

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • SignifyingNothing
    April 23, 2008

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    Nice. I like how you got into the mind of the killer. He is so remorseless, despite what he says about selfishness. Really twisted and evil individual. I've read a few stories from the point of view of a murderer who has just killed a woman and this is one of the best ones of this type I have read.

    That's one creepy picture. I don't know if the person who took it intended the evil creepiness or not, but it almost made me shudder. And this story was a great companion to it.

    Great job and thanks for entering!

    (Oh, and that should be "limp" I think, "Limpid" refers to fish. You may have been going for 'limp like a fish' but I don't think that word works that way)


  • Adelaide Blood
    April 20, 2008

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    Wow that was awesome

    Great job, i liked it. It evoked inner emotions and got me reading it numerous times! Awesome job, it was really good!


  • Hismercy
    April 14, 2008
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    The best way...

    "The best way to have what you want is to push yourself through until you get what you want" (actually don't follow those exact rules....this works for a few but this plan fails allot of peoples effort)

    In line number 5...what color was her hair ( I'm just teasing)

    Great poem Prodigious !

    -Hismercy

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Hermanator1 silver member
    April 14, 2008

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    Nicely done

    It makes several comparative analyses and does so in short verse. Good emotion displayed although the "killer" seems remorseless.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • V l
    April 14, 2008
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    All I can say is wow dam my little vampire queen wow


  • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
    April 14, 2008

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    Wow this is unlike most of your stuff and I love it. The picture you painted with this, I can just visualize it all inside my mind. Good luck in the contest Blair, I hope that you win!
    ~Joann


  • Siby Anan
    April 13, 2008

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    I agree with Midnightmare, it was slow paced. Not what I'd usually expect from you.

    But, wow, you penned it so well. It's kind of abstract in places. Makes us have to think of things ourself, and that what keeps it so amazingly awesome.

    Great work here, Blair, darling


  • Midnightmare
    April 13, 2008

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    interesting, Blair. I like it. its slow paced and really deep in a way...
    Although you spelt "lose" wrong, you said "loose" it should be "lose" in the last line.
    Great write =]

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