He hopped and he skipped and he bobbed and he dipped,
And looked up at me with a smile,
"Stay here, sir. Please, stay, don't stir,
Come on, come on, stay for a while."1
But I looked on yonder and my mind did wander,
And started up with guile.
Said, "I don't know, my boy and my foe,
My thoughts are putting me on trial."2
He came to a stand and he took 'hold of my hand,
And then led me down the aisle.
The stars were drawn and the moon had gone,
When he reached and took out a file.3
He said, "yes, sir, you are right,
You've given up, you gave up the fight,
but please, sir, please, hang on tight,
Because here, right here, in all this spite,
You're given a chance, the chance of white."4
And I looked on through the tears forgone,
And there a fawn stood still in the dawn.
And thus I sat, and I sat for a while,
And there, on my face, there grew a smile.
A contest entry
- Give Me Your Best Poetry! by HopelesslyInLove.
200 points, ended April 18, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is definitely surprising and you do seem to use a strangely archaic form of language - was this deliberate? I'm not too sure regarding the reference to the fawn/faun??? in your final stanza, it reads a tad lush and possibley overblown. However, nitpicking apart this was generally well crafted. Cheers
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I must admit, you do have a lot of talent.
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Great job Andrew...
Just...wow...
I really don't know what to say, but my lord Andrew why must you hog all the talent! Share with your friend (aka MEH), yeah?
Haha, GREAT job! -
Nice, I love rhyming patterns and this is is a neat one! I like this stanza:
"He said, "yes, sir, you are right,
You've given up, you gave up the fight,
but please, sir, please, hang on tight,
Because here, right here, in all this spite,
You're given a chance, the chance of white."
It's really original and descriptive. Very good job and thanks for entering my contest!
Good luck
*KAT* -
I like the rhyme scheme. It's creative. I like the poem itself, too. It's a very nice poem, very romantic, in a way. Good work on this. Poems are easier for me, though I've been quite creative with my rhyme schemes - I tend to avoid them altogether (though not consciously). Good job. Clappy and everything.
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Reminds me of how sins can be washed away.
x Julez -
whoa I havent read anything of this fashion.. I found myself almost getting lost in if for a few short moments
wll done ~
Blair
very beautiful
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It's rare to find a poem of this caliber on StoryWrite. I've sifted through countless square miles of sand searching for seashells, and this is the one I've been looking for. I commend you on an incredible job. The old-style feeling of this poem simply makes it what it is. I get the feeling of a somewhat sea-shantyish setting, especially with the lighthouse picture.
The poem itself uses some great word choice and literary devices. There's too many great things to point out, so I'll give a bit of constructive criticism. The third quatrain's metre doesn't flow very well, and personally, it thorws me off a bit. I would elongate the second line, "And led me down the aisle" if I were you.
Regardless, you've done an impeccable job here. Keep it up. (:
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The meter and rhyme scheme offer shades of one of my favorites: Robert W. Service. A few things, though Andrew T.:
First, I think I got lost toward the end of this...not sure what was going on. Second...
I would break this up into stanzas...it would make things clearer...(both for YOU and the reader).
I would remove the article "a" before the word "guile." Guile is not a singular noun.
After "foe" I believe you need a comma, not a period.
I would place no punctuation after "file"...although your period is not incorrect. (Perhaps a comma?)But certainly a comma after "right" no capital "S" in "sir"
I would place a period after "tight."
"Given a chance of "white?" Here is where I begin to lose it. What's "white?"
No "of" before "forgone." (You don't even need it to scan the line)
On your last line...it is most unnatural to end with "a smile..." because THAT usually precedes the line explaining why the character is smiling! And here...you seem to be missing the next two lines. (AND...with the line "He said, "yes sir, you are right..." YOU LOSE COUNT...YOU LOSE A LINE OR TWO!) Fix this! It's should be easy.
BTW...Check Robt W. Service's: THE CREMATION OF SAM McGEE...or even THE SHOOTING OF DAN McGREW...check the stanzas, rhyme scheme and METER! You will see just what I mean! Please!
GA
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I really like this. It's beautiful and very well written.
Good job!
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