What meets one's eye these days...is ugly. The contemporary world is on a rather off-putting kick. The cars certainly are not what they used to be. The colors are dull except for the few, new bilious innovations: Nauseating Copper...and Upsetting Electric Blue. Auto manufacturers appear to be distracting from sticker shock. (Just as it is difficult for the eye to focus on two separate movements at the same time, it is difficult for the brain to suffer the pain of two distinctly upsetting elements at once.) But no matter how (or why) you look at it, the cars are ugly. The shapes are unpleasant to behold, at best innocuous.1
I recall salivating over the Mercedes 500 SL of years past...that squareish, compact, inviting (though quite unaffordable, at that time,) body, and who could forget the MG, the XKE, and the TR3 and 4! THOSE were cars! Such delights and eye candy have given way now to the spate of Japanese imports and American horrors. Hump back body types and offending shapes that could only be favored and savored by a truly tasteless consumer...perhaps one attracted by the electric blue audacity or shocking copper hideousness.2
If you get by the cars, there are today's pedestrians...all wired for sound, attached as it were to their Mp3s, Ipod, PeaPods, Walkmans, and the ubiquitous king of mindless distraction, the cell phone. Then there is that most modern innovation and scourge, the texting gizmo. Who can be without a texting gizmo!...especially on the elevator, on the bus, or in the street, where getting hit by oncoming traffic is a small price to pay for texting.3
And if head-sets sealing off your hearing, and the texting sealing off your vision aren't enough to ensure getting waffled by a Hummer, there is always the more than likely possibility of the latest inexplicable rage, one of those unfathomable sexy flip-flops getting caught in any of New York's more than two billion pot-holes.4
Which brings one to the rest of today's adorable and attractive clothing collections: jeans, which used to be known by the more appropriate name, dungarees, and the rest of the chic outfit, sweatshirts, tank tops and t-shirts. The days of the cord suits, straw hats, for the men, hose and heels for the ladies, are over.5
In deference to good taste we will not allude (in detail) to piercings, of the navel, eyebrow, nostril, tongue and the very ultra cool underlip. Nor shall we reference tattoos...particularly the varieties of barbed wire representations around bicep and ankle.6
So much for the visuals. If you deign to enter or pass a tavern or disco to sample the goings on of a late night gathering...what passes for music will quickly set you straight and send you on your way.7
Then, speaking of taste, there's my favorite: the latest gustatory/culinary fashion: Garlic. It's everywhere. It is, it seems, chic to reek! Why? What a canard! What a conundrum. It will soon appear in desserts. It is already in an ice cream! Restaurateurs often won't admit to it: "There's no garlic in it, sir!"8
"Yes there is; I can taste it...and smell it!"9
"Only a little garlic powder, sir!"10
"Please take it away; it makes me sick!"11
"Oh, but it's healthy for you!"12
"Not for me!"13
"Alright, sir. But I love it! I put it on everything!"14
"I can tell!"15
"What would you like instead of this?"16
"Anything!"17
"I'm sorry, but the chef tells me everything is marinaded in garlic in this restaurant...for three weeks!"18
And so it goes. It's becoming difficult to reside in the new world. And getting rougher. And uglier. And louder. And stinkier.19
Author notes
Inspiring song: "That's Life!"
A contest entry
- Short and Funny by Rosemary.
225 points, ended April 25, 17 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Gimmie Your Rants. by Cheerful-Panda.
425 points, ended August 3, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I want to know why... by Princess Dawnikins.
175 points, ended November 12, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I Want Your Rants by WeAreOceansAway.
450 points, ended November 16, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Think About It by WritersEffigy.
225 points, ended November 20, 28 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 39 of 39
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"The colors are dull except for the few" This is a pet peeve of mine. Why is "earth tones" so in right now? I can't get a green (color not environment) car to save my life! oh sure I can get what they call "green" but it's so pale or brown or grey you can't really call it green. Grrr...
I like the 50's cars! Now those had style!
The thing about cord suits and such is yes they look better but they're not comfortable. It's all about comfort now. Comfort of clothes, comfort of listening to what you want and not the environment around you (so you get hit by a car while listening to your ipod - Darwin at work
) Ok I don't know how piercings or tattoos are comfortable I personally hate them.
Garlic is in far more than ice cream.
(I used to live near Gilroy CA - garlic capital of the world) you wouldn't believe what they had at their Garlic festival (don't try the garlic wine)! I admit I like garlic but not in the quantities some seem to.
so to make a long comment short: I agree with you!
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This rant actually made me laugh and appreciate you as a person. I, for one, feel the same exact way about cars now-a-days. You can't even tell different makes apart anymore. The Jaguars look like Hondas, the Mercedes look like every other generic car out there. Half the time I'm looking at emblems and wondering why a person even bothered to drop fifty grand on it.
Anywho, this is a great rant. Thanks so much for the entry!
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XDDD This made me laugh! I'm no autophile, nor have I ever worn hose and heels, but I certainly agree with everything else! Cell phones are the devil >_< Convenient and flashy and cool, but purely evil. My opinion of piercings is that they belong on the ears, ONLY. Mainstream music is overrated, too
And I happen to love garlic, but keep it out of my sorbet, please.
Great job, anyway, and thanks for the entertainment XD
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I do belive the world is getting all of those things you say. even little todler toys are even electronical. what hapened to the old world values? I wish i wasnt living in our times. thanks for entering!!
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This was interesting to read. And one thing everyone - well, mostly everyone - likes to do is rant. This is a very unique rant unlike all the rest! Good job on it.
However, I suggest that in your first two verylarge paragraphs that you break it up, so that, it's not as confusing to read. I did not catch any grammar mistakes, it's just that you could cut the paragraphs shorter.
I wish you luck in my contest. =D -
Ha Ha lol, cant stop laughing! Lol love how you use the garlic part to the story. Awsome job dude!
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Lmao! Garlic a fashion statement! God never I hope!
Well I just love your rant on life...in general. This was very clever and I love your whole bit on piercings and tattoos and of course the whole cell phone and texting thing.
Good luck! -
A fad in garlic? Really? I'm stylish and I had no idea! (I eat garlic by the CLOVE.) I'm not being sarcastic, I just really like garlic! But other than that, amen for the bit about tattoos and piercings!
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Oh good golly gosh!
I myself am in a conundrum(I can't even spell that word, thank heavens for spell check). I found this truly mystifying, and you are in many ways correct. Hilarious with your use of big and rather confounding words, and painfully truthful in you great descriptions. This is yet again an amazing, if not hilarious write.
-Pear
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Good job. lol. This was really good and really funny. You certinaly put a msile on my face. Great job and good luck!
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Fun
I'm growing ever more glad that I didn't specify entries had to be 'proper' storis - I would have missd this gem. I will admit that while I don't personally agree with some of the subject matter (I LIKE garlic, although not on everything... plus I have a tattoo and five piercings) you wrote this in a funny, warm sort of way which stopped it from being a boring diatribe reminiscent of the duller moments of 'Grumpy Old Men'.
Thank you for entering my contest. -
You're gettin' really old, Charlie Brown. ;P
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Thanks, Lynus
And if you're lucky, you'll get there as well.
GA
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Well, I will agree to disagree with you about garlic. I grow it, I use it in my cooking and I plant a clove beside each of my roses each quarter, and of course, according the moon phases. I felt quite dated reading this, because I knew what you were talking about. I always lusted after an MGB or failing that, an Austin Healey Sprite. I found an MGB one day and I had money too, but I opted for a Subaru Leone. That WAS a zippy little racer!
I don't know much about cell-phones, Ipods and the rest. I've never felt the need to own any one of these. We don't get many calls on our normal home phone, so why would we need cell phones?
If anyone wants to speak to us, they drive up the farm track and stop for a cuppa and cookies - much nicer that way.
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Very Good!
This is a little dryer humor than mine, but we both wrote satire. I thought mine might get faulted for being out of season, but I was lucky that the host didn't. Not surprisingly, yours is a more intellectual piece. I don't seem to get as intellectually deep as you do in anything. I envy your ability to do that. I would say this is gold worthy. I like your humor in this piece a lot.
Andy
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Very funny. A great line, "ubiquitous kings of mindless distraction, the cell phone" (should that be "king"?) Loved "What a canard! What a conundrum." I didn't really notice how widespread garlic had become it until when I was pregnant and developed a strong aversion to the smell and taste of it, then I realized it was everywhere! Though I can't say as I miss the cord suits, or the hose and heels. The older I get, the more putting on hose feels like advanced yoga class.
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An Old Lady Agrees
You used "ubiquitous." Fabulous, GA! Headsets... one word, I believe. Well, let me restructure that sentence. "And if headsets sealing off your hearing and texting sealing off your vision aren't enough to ensure getting awffled by a Hummer..."
Oh goodness, I have to agree heartily with the barbed wire tattoos encircling many a bicep. Very strange, sort of cheesy.
Of course, garlic is very, very good for your cardiac system (or so they tell me), but in keeping with your ideas, maybe restaurants should hand out more free peppermints (which are good for stimulating the brain).
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I was just thinking about that the other day as I was driving my electric blue and copper-striped Honda Civic. I was going to the nearest Wal-mart to find some new headphones for my iPod - the old ones broke when I got hit by a Hummer last week. When I got there, I pulled up my super-low-rider jeans, adjusted my tank top and walked into the store. It turns out they didn't have the kind of headphones I wanted, so I just got a pack of garlic-flavored gum and called it a day. When I was driving back, my friend sent me a really funny text message with a picture of her new barbed-wire tattoo...I forget where I was going with this...
Anyway, this was a good write and I enjoyed reading it. It kept me interested and had me laughing, although I have to plead guilty to some of your complaints (not nearly to the extent of the beginning of this comment, though!). I loved your descriptions, and the conversation with the waiter was especially funny. Good job, and I hope you feel a little better after getting some of that out!
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well im glad i read it, i found it intresting and made me laugh when it came to the discussion of the waiter and the customer lolxx
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I love it. This should be a column.
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I like the tastes of both world. There is good and bad about new and old world. There isn't much choice in the old world, but we get more choice in the new world such as color of cars and styles of dress. The new world gives us more freedom of choice, which can drive us crazy sometime by having too many choices. Life in the old world seems to be harder than life in new world.
The writing is very descriptive and easy to understand. -
maybe older people just cant cope with new technology and as far as style goes everyone has there own tastes and if they want to screw up there bodies with tattoos and peircings then its their decision. SOME things used to be better but not all things. of course this is all my opinion so other than that i thought it was good
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this is very well written, all your stories are. i think the beginning needs an better opening paragraph. you know the rule- tell what you're going to tell them, tell them and then tell them what you told them. you did a little but i think it needs a little more. but all in all a very enjoyable story.
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I love the older cars. My friend right out of highschool had an Opal. I can't even remember what it looked like but I remember wanting one at the time. I loved it.
As for the garlic, sorry Gary I'm a garlic fan
Great write.
Brooke
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*laughing*
This was fantastically written Gary! You hit the nail right on the head. Everything you said was true, and leaves one questioning what the world has become.
Shame, really. Things used to be alot better, so much classier! Hence why i live in the past (or so people tell me)
I laughed throughout, but the line that had me in fits of laughter was:
"...getting waffled by a Hummer."
I pictured a waffle in the middle of the road. And i found that image humorous because my sense of humor is immature and eccentric
Love the picture of the jester. It really does suit the topic of the piece perfectly!
Glad i read this, well done
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
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Haha ..oh, so true, mate. So true. Esp your point about the cars, and the music. Some of the music I hear in nightclubs are, I swear, evil. You get it?
Its good that someone's noticing these things - seeing what mindless zombies we become with IPods in our ears and cellphones in our hands.
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Oh entropy!
Everything's just breaking down, ain't it? Yes, cars have gone from boxy and seductive to "similar." American vehicles just don't hold up anymore and the Asian (or German, or even Italian) ones are infecting Ford and Dodge with their makes and spreading them everywhere. Honestly, I like the squared BMWs.
"There is always the more than likely possibility of the latest inexplicable rage, one of those unfathomable sexy flip-flops getting caught in any of New York's more than two billion pot-holes." (Lol! I could never figure out how people walk in those... Or run, for that matter.)
But is it true, Gary? Do they really put garlic in ice cream? *Yuck!*
Thanks for the laughs!
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Your right, the world today is so full of technology that we end up forgetting what is important, like looking before you cross the street... The cellphone thing is an annoying aspect of our society in my opinion. It's a handy tool to have around when you really need it, but most people end up becoming completely addicted to it. Another great write. Good job.
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All so true
Thanks for entering and good luck with the contest. -
Yes: my previous comment still stands XD but what's the point of getting barbed wire tatooed on yourself? What an ugly image to look at! Piercings are an unescessary nuisance; but that's just my opinion. Besides; they could regret it afterwards. Some employers look out for tats and piercings in job interviews; and let me tell you, it doesn't exactly advertise you as an organised and well-mannered worker.
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My opinion remains unchanged from the comment I posted on the original version of this story (if you recall my comment)...but I'll let you know that my best friend has an "ultra cool underlip" piercing! Haha! Great job on this.
--V -
Garlic in ice cream? Seriously?
Actually garlic has been known to prevent cancer, but so have other things...like onions! lol.
Anyways, this was a charming write. It made me giggle several times. I think it is really funny how people are distracting themselves so much with ipods and cellphones and texting. Actually I just now got my first cellphone, but I won't text, it's expensive and there's no point. It's a phone, hello, just talk to them! lol.
I won't comment on the vehicles, because I know absolutely nothing about them, but I do know one thing, why do a lot of women insist on driving huge jeeps and trucks? My husband and I once watched this young woman try and turn this huge, red truck at the gas station, this thing was gigantic, and she nearly ran over the gas pumps lol. And my friend had this large SUV jeep thing and she wrecked going around a curve.
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Thanks, folks!
Actually, though, Garlic doesn't prevent cancer. This is a myth perpetrated by the "Garlic Council" (for Public Relations). The only thing garlic prevents is friends and CLOSE relationships! And my patronizing ANY establishment that uses the stuff!
GA
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Good luck in the contest.
Gary I do believe you were in a terrible mood and needed to vent your anger so you wrote this instead of killing someone. But your ranting was pretty funny.
I went out and hid my new car in the garage, in sheer terror that you might send out ‘Hunter Seekers’. I still owe a year's salary on it.
I put a moratorium on the use of all gadgets that make life so comfortable in modern society. (Of course my kids ran away from home—that was one benefit. Well not really because they arrested me for child abuse.)
As for my jeans—I can’t live without them—please.
And garlic—
wait I won’t have to cook anymore.
All joking aside it was a clever construction and a fun read.
Geri
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Not bad, but misnamed
Hi friend:
This is not at all bad. I think in my wisdom it was misnamed and should have been named The Rant, but never mind, it’s the piece that counts.
The humor in this piece lies in the fact that you cling tenaciously, to the theory, that you are the only authority, when it comes to the matter of taste.
Your approach is somewhat humorous, in that you seem to be like a hunter, trying to hit one hundred targets, with a shotgun shell that only holds fifty pellets.
Now for the writing—it’s very good. As I worked my way through the body, I found it difficult to keep my mind focused on the fact, old friend, that you indeed wrote this piece. I found very few literary liberties and only one invented word, (SQUAREISH). I can already hear you a saying, (Just because there isn’t one doesn’t mean, there shouldn’t be one) and I concur.
What puzzles me most about the style you have utilized in this piece, is the fact that you painfully adhere to convention, until the last sentence, or should I say, (sentence dressed up to look like a group, of sentences.)
Why anyone would want to add this monstrosity, to a well written piece of word, boggles my mind.
Talk to you soon---ablelaz.
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A very entertaining piece, Mr. Alexander! I am in agreement with the previous commentary, it is certainly not in league with some of your other pieces (in terms of perfection of language) but as a rant designed for comic effect you hit top marks. It is a rarity that a piece of writing can strike me in such a way that drinking a hot drink might be dangerous (I have an obscure sense of humour) but this piece achieved it. I think the combination of your brilliant 'one-liners' and the well captured essense of an older generation desparing at today's youth made for a very effective rant - you made such light of the modern world that I am despairing with you. I certainly enjoyed the subtle commentary of today's consumeristic desires for ever more flashy commodities (of course I did!) which is perhaps what gives this rant the edge for me. Thank you for delivering me a few chuckles this morning!
- CC
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Come come sir! Various varieties? Alliterative possibly, but too tautological for one of your pieces surely? Pretty much dull? Tsk tsk. One feels a little biliousness creeping up on one, which, while somewhat less dull than the extraneous verbiage, does not alter the fact that there is an assumption of a monopoly of good taste.
Seriously, I enjoyed the humour of the rant, and assume it is there to be shot at. The difference between US and UK English is accentuated in the first sentence's word juxtaposition; I would have written it, "What meets one's eye these days, is ugly". Thus the theme is developed from the last word of the sentence, and contextualises it in the present. Like I say, these are matters of taste and culture. Whether you like it or not, the sympathy of the reader has to be captured early. If you have two themes, in this case modern times and taste, you have to decide which is the main theme; if the two are of equal status, you face the same problem you would if you chased two rabbits, analogous to your 5th sentence in parenthesis -
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Credit where it is DUE!
Because of Jimmy, the extraneous word "various" has been struck! The pathetic and unconsciously inserted "pretty much" has been finessed! And the first sentence has been rearranged...placing the less important "these days" before the more critical and climactic "ugly!" And so it is. Sometimes, behind every great writer stands a Daftweejimmy!
Thanks,
Noone'sperfect!
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