I sat leaning against the hidden door for a couple minutes thinking about what had just happened. Questions were racing through my head, questions that needed answering, but for now sleep was what I needed.
I got up, dragging my feet upon the floor from weariness and stumbled through the den, ignoring the sounds coming from the blaring T.V., I made my way up the stairs and into my room and, not bothering to take off my cloths, dropped into bed.
I felt a sharp pain in my leg as something hard poked into it. Remembering the ruby, I dug into my pocket and pulled it out. I examined it closely looking into every facet of its being. It was a work of beauty, not a work of man, but a work nature, unsurpassed by anything man could shape or forge. I set it on my night stand and fell into a deep sleep.
My eyes snapped open but I was disoriented and at first I was not able to discern the cause of my waking. Suddenly I became aware of a flashing, red light. I sat up and looked around, and there, on my nightstand sat the red ruby, pulsating with the consistency of a heart beat. My eyes widened and I stared at it, fixated by the brilliant flashes of light.
I reached out and prodded the stone. At that moment the stone began flashing faster and brighter than ever. Startled, I pulled back quickly, knocking over my clock. The pulsations grew quicker and I shielded my eyes with my outstretched hand. Then it stopped. After a few seconds I decided to pick it up.
The stone didn’t look or feel any different than it had before. What kind of stone is this, I thought. Maybe it wasn’t a stone at all, but if not a stone, what? Was it this that the old man- that wizard, had been after? What possible use could it be? Was it magic? I rejected that thought almost immediately, how absurd it was that I was speaking of magic stones and wizards. There had to be a completely logical explanation for it.
Just then there was a loud noise downstairs, like the sound of china crashing to the kitchen floor. Frightened, I stood up and faced the door. Was it that old man again come back to claim his stone? No, I thought, more likely a burglar. I dug under my bed, pulled out my baseball bat, and cautiously opened the door.
I stood at the top of the stair listening, but I all heard was the T.V. I tiptoed slowly down the stairs and made my way to the kitchen. I stopped at the doorway and peered in. It was dark and empty, nothing moved.
I entered the kitchen with the bat raised prepared to defend myself against any intruder. Broken pieces of china and silverware littered the kitchen and it crunched under my feet as I walked. I stiffened, for there was a crashing sound in the next room, it sounded like someone had bashed in the piano.
I cautious approached the living room; the bat raised over my head and peered in. Again empty. I walked into the room and saw that the piano keys had been ripped off and were strewn about. I was just about to head back into the kitchen when I heard a scratching noise.
I looked up and there, in the hallway stood the most repulsive thing I had ever set eyes upon. It was a black hairy creature, with many mean, red eyes, and more legs than I could count, and a pair of dangerous looking pincers.
I backed up, terrified, even though it was only the size of a large house cat, for I could tell its sized belied its ferocity and it was something I didn’t want to mess with. The creature let out a strange croaking noise and charged at me.
Dropping the bat I ran from the room and into the kitchen, skidding on shards of broken glass. I Slammed into the refrigerator and fell to my knees just as the hideous creature entered the room. There was no time to run so I leapt onto of the table, trying to avoid it. It stopped and I was chilled to see its eyes staring up at me, seeming to be wondering how best to get at me.
I took this chance and grabbed a chair and hurled it at the monster, and without looking to see what it did, I jumped off the table and ran into the den as fast as I could. Even as I ran I could hear the clicking of its feet upon the tile floor as it pursued me. I had to get out, that was my only chance of escape.
I continued into the hall, past the secret passage, which had remained closed, and made for the door. But my food snagged on the carped and I tumble onto the floor, face first. I rolled over just in time to see my pursuer enter the hall, not slowing down. I closed my eyes waiting for the inevitable cruel, hard bite of those pinchers upon my throat.
But just then I heard the door burst open and a voice yell, “Back you fowl beast, you shall not claim this life!” I opened my eyes just in time to see a beam of white light slam into the creature and burn it to a crisp, leaving nothing but ashes.
I turned to see the old man standing in the doorway holding forth his wooden staff. “It’s you,” I exclaimed. “Yes, it is I,” he said lowering the staff as he walked over to me and helped me up. “Up you go my lad,” he said. Straitening up I asked, “Who are you?” “M?” he asked, “I am the keeper of peace, the saver of lives, the keeper of knowledge, and learner and teacher of magic, a wizard you might call me.” “Yes,” I said, a little confused by this man’s response, “but who are you?”
“Well if you wanted to know what my name is you could have asked,” He replied “What you asked was who I am and I told you, for a name is not whom I am, it is just what I am called.” I stared at him, this guy’s gotta be crazy, I thought.
He smiled at me as if he knew what I was thinking, maybe he did but if so he pretended not to. “You may call me Bartimeus,” he said. “And what may your name be?” “Jacob,” I said “Well, Jacob, I just saved your life I think, though I dare say you had something clever up your sleeve,” Bartimeus said, with a twinkle in his eye. “Now most people from where I’m from would say you owed me a life debt, but I’m fine with, well, that stone in your pocket”.
I started, so that’s what he was after, after all I thought. “What do you want it for,” I asked even though I had no intention of withholding the ruby from this him, having no desire to be turned into a toad.
“Do you really want to know? No, I think not, just give me the stone, or are you going to tell me that, after what just happened, you’re going to keep it. I can assure you there are many more of those out there, and that was but, a fly compared to what awaits you if you keep it.” Not knowing what to say I pulled it out of my pocket and handed it to the wizard, but the instant his hand touched it he cried out and, with a great whooshing noise, went flying into the living room and slammed into the wall, landing atop the piano with a crash.
I rushed to his side and helped him up. On his feet once more he examined the hand which he had touched the ruby with. It was blackened and, Jacob imagined, it hurt a lot and the wizard was doing a good job of concealing it. “It appears,” he said, “That I am not capable of touching the stone without injury. You may be wondering-“he started to say but, just then there the ruby began flashing and there was a crash in the hall and he stopped short. We rushed into the hall to find the door being wedged open, and a large, muscular, grey hand was grasping the side of it.
“Run,” cried Bartimeus, but I didn’t need to be told twice and I ran out the open door and onto the street, where I stopped. I could hear shouts and explosions from the house, mingled with the unworldly cries of creatures.
Suddenly, Bartimeus came flying out of the house, landing on the pavement. A big black shape sped after Bartimeus and launched itself at him. Sending one last ball of fire into the creature, he got up and ran towards me.
Already many creature were pouring out of the house, most of which were like the one I encountered under the house. Bartimeus grabbed hold of my arm and started murmuring under his breath, what sounded like some sort of incantation. The creatures were almost on top of us when, a blinding white light surrounded us and I grew dizzy and disoriented.
The next thing I knew I was laying on soft grass in the middle of a forest, with Bartimeus standing right next to me. “Where are we?” I asked for something told me we were no longer in the United States, if even on the same planet.
A contest entry
- Fantasy captivates by ForestFaery.
130 points, ended April 21, 2008, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Beautiful Fantasy by dark-fantasies.
450 points, ended June 13, 2008, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
im proud of this particular part of my story so please comment
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
-
Okay, I've actually read this before, and since I didn't put anything in my rules about not accepting stories that I've read, it would be a bit unfair if I disqualified you. So I'm going to judge this, but keep in mind that I tend to be much more critical and picky when I'm commenting on contest entries lol.
Your descriptions were good, and you had a strong enough storyline to keep me interested and reading (again), but the story didn't flow very well, mainly because you were telling me what was happening, and not showing it through your character's actions. I also noticed that you used the word "I" alot, such as I stood, I entered, I looked up... etc. While there's nothing really wrong with this, it once again tells- and not shows- me what your character is doing, and stops the flow of the story because it's a little repetitive and stifles your sentences' creativity. A few more finer details would've added depth to the story, but apart from those things this was really good. It just lacked the finer touches, but everything else was pretty great. -
are you gonna continue??????
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 2, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
-
-
yes i do plan on continuing this, i just havnt been workin on it much lately
-
-
Again I'll edit later. right now i'm enjoying....
I love the wizard already. The way he speaks and like his smart remarks. So awesome. Okay done reading. Again you have captured my interest. Even though I'm not editing now I do have to say whenever someone new speaks put it on a different line. Like make a new line for them as if making a new paragraph. But otherwise good job. I'm loving the wizard. Really awesome. And now you have to put up part 4 because it is getting soooooo good. Lol I can't wait. Keep up the fantastic work =P
-
wow, amazing. i liked how you took alot of complex words and put them together into a sentence. ;D
intersting how he held a bat and walked towards that horrifiying noise. i would be calling 911
-
*Cracks knuckles* Ok, here goes...
First up, I enjoyed this, it was a nice bit of tense action.
But, I'm afraid that you are starting to enter the realms cliché. IF that's the way you wanna go, that's fine, if not, you've got a bit of editing to do. I noticed some people have pointed out HP themes, there are also a few LoTRish bits too. Like a wizard not being able to handle the object of power. And some of the wizards lines seem a bit old? "Back you foul beast, you shall not claim this life." Sounds a bit like Gandalf's line: "Back foul beast, you shall not pass!" But hey, I'm just being picky there. Nothing intrinsically wrong with having similar lines, I mean, it's nigh impossible to do original lines, some form of said line has been done before. It's just something to be aware of, especially a major line like that. People less forgiving might think you are copying 
The only other thing that really stood out to me was:
"I turned to see the old man standing in the doorway holding forth his wooden staff. “you,” I exclaimed. “Yes, it is I,” he said lowering the staff as he walked over to me and helped me up. “Up you go my lad,” he said. Straitening up I asked, “Who are you?” “Me,” he replied, “I am the keeper of peace, the saver of lives, the keeper of knowledge, and learner and teacher of magic, a wizard you might call me.” “Yes,” I said, a little confused by this man’s response, “but who are you?” 17"
Everytime someone else starts to speak, you should start a new line. Something like this:
I turned to see the old man standing in the doorway holding forth his wooden staff. “you,” I exclaimed.
“Yes, it is I,” he said lowering the staff as he walked over to me and helped me up. “Up you go my lad,” he said.
Straightening up I asked, “Who are you?”
“Me?” he replied, “I am the keeper of peace, the saver of lives, the keeper of knowledge, and learner and teacher of magic, a wizard you might call me.”
“Yes,” I said, a little confused by this man’s response, “but who are you?”
Something like that.
One last thing, when he first goes outside, I'd make some mention to people appearing out of their houses, to have a look at what's making the noise.
That's it I think. Keep it up!
-
Commentary Critique
I cautiously approached the living room; the bat rose over my head and peered in. Again empty. I walked into the room and saw that the piano keys had been ripped off and were strewn about. I was just about to head back into the kitchen when I heard a scratching noise.10
I turned to see the old man standing in the doorway holding forth his wooden staff. “You,” I exclaimed. “Yes, it is I,” he said lowering the staff as he walked over to me and helped me up. “Up you go my lad,” he said. Straitening up I asked, “Who are you?” “Me,” he replied, “I am the keeper of peace, the saver of lives, the keeper of knowledge, and learner and teacher of magic, a wizard you might call me.” “Yes,” I said, a little confused by this man’s response, “but who are you?” 17
In paragraph 10, it might sound better if you were to use the past/future tense of rise and used ROSE instead. The only correction you have to do in paragraph 17 is capitalizing the Y in you in the second line. Other from that, this was a really good read. (Note that the two paragraphs above have been corrected on a possibility of not feeling as confused with the verbage) -
better than the last! i prefer the action to anything
-
AWESOME! Keep writing.
-
it will take me a while to write the next chapter cause the rest of the story will take longer i am about to write a story about an insane person though!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
This was very good, like all the previous chapters of course. A few flaws though which were easy to ignore... It's funny how this reminds me of H.P- but it's just the fantasy creatures theme, and the stone- which reminds me of the philospher's stone- and the wizard... I liked the descriptions, and the fast pace of action- you were able to put me right there in the story. I find it amazing how you write fantasy, but still manage to keep the story very grounded. It's not distant fantasy, but very believable. Overall, this was very enjoyable. You had descriptions, detail and one heck of a storyline! A grammar note- when writing dialogue, start a new line for every speaker. Example-
“You may call me Bartimeus,” he said. “And what may your name be?”
“Jacob,” I said
“Well, Jacob, I just saved your life I think, though I dare say you had something clever up your sleeve,” Bartimeus said, with a twinkle in his eye.
Yeah, hoped that help with your writing. Good luck in the contest.
-
As if I were living in the story...
The way you are able to describe this puts the reader right in the story, and still you have the flaws I mentioned in previous parts, it is still amazingly well done! You ability to describe and create a world of fantasy where creatures come to be and wizards with magical powers exist is prodigious! Well done! -
-
Most of it wasn't really creation, just fan-fic.
-
-
Cool!
I liked it! It was pretty good, although like huntinger mentioned there were some spelling and grammer errors. And when you said after he touched the stond his hand blackened; it is almost the same as what J.K. Rowling said. After Dumbledore touched the ring, his hand was blackened. Just thought I would mention that little part. The end was a good cliffhanger, where exactly is Jacob??? I liked it, and can't wait for more.
-
-
yes i have read harry potter(many times) and am aware of the blackened hand and no it didnt even occur to me at the time that it was similar to dumbledores hand
-
-
Here I go again x
paragraph 2 should be clothes.
Paragraph 3 reads well like the description.
Paragraph 9 you shouldn't say you have a bat in your hand and it sounds like someone smashed the piano with a baseball bat, it makes it sound like a baseball match. Try, it sounded like someone had toppled the piano like it was in the way.
10 'I CAUTIOUSLY'
11 'there in there'?
15 'My food snagged on the carped and i tumble on to the floor? Use foot and carpet. Tumble should be tumbled. Also pincers not pinchers.
16 'Foul beast' not fowl.
17 'Up you get my lad. Straightening'
Paragraph 22 'His hand blackened' I don't think J.K. ROWLING would be happy with you stealing her work lol.
I'm sorry to be a pain just please proof read and take your time x
Adding your comment:
1 - 16 of 16
