A soldier's coming home

Tears stung her checks but no one could see through the rain. Dropping to her knees she curled in a ball and weeped without a care that she was staining her dress with thick red clay. Her hair that had just this morning been so neat and tidy in an elegant bun at the nape of her neck. 1

Was it just this morning she had been happy? It felt more like weeks, or perhaps it was years. Could he really have been coming home? No it was just a dream none of it was true, she had to wake up and soon or she would lose her mind to grief. 2

Someone gently touched her arm helped her up out of the mud and wet grass. They had no face they were just a blur to her, as she stumbled along not knowing where she was being led and not caring. This wasn’t a dream she knew that, could feel it somewhere deep down. She could no longer cry, her eye could no longer produce tears.3

How could this happen he was coming home today, This was a day to celebrate. The love of her life had been overseas too long, but he was to come home today. They decorated the whole house and every one was dressed in their Sunday best clothes. The whole town had showed up to greet their own small town hero. 4

Even little Mrs. Smith who was feral and sickly. And hardly came out of her house anymore. How old Mrs. Smith even heard about him coming home was beyond her. Only there she was, the women who had once over seen the library. Where she herself had spent so much time in her youth. Where… he had gone down on one knee the day before he left and asked her to marry him. Told her he loved her.5

The door opens and she can just make out words lots of them. People talking all at once, but she just walks numbly still being escorted. now a numb understanding dawns on her. She is being taken to a room in the back where fully dressed she lays back on the bed. making out the word “sleep” along with others she doesn’t catch. she lays down with out arguing, closes her eyes, mind reeling over the day trying to understand, Trying to shut it all out, Trying to make it not real. 6

She had heard on the news that an unknown troop had been attacked last week, thought nothing of it. He was coming home, and even now must be somewhere safe. Then today at the party the phone had rung, the person on the other end introduced him self as Sergeant Hamilton he told her that the bodies had finally been identified and he was one of them. She had drooped the phone, screamed. Run. She had to run. Was all her panicked brain had been able to tell her, so she ran out in to the yard where she had collapsed in the mud and rain. begging for it to be a dream so she could wake soon to find him next to her.7

A fog covered her mind. Sleep finally came to take her away, to take her from this nightmare to a place where bad things never happened. She never really woke from that happier place again. 8

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • whatami
    June 15

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    Your background makes it hard to read. You jump all around, first the present, then a flashback, and the present again. You tried pretty well, but you wanna show, not tell. Thanks anyway.


  • La Maravilla
    May 2

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    No happy birthday? awww poo! lolz...I'll let it slide...I've been a slacker in judging this contest...

    You write with a lot of maturity for a 14 year old...I was surprised at the age when I looked for it. Good job. My only complaint is that it went to quick at the end...I would have liked a little more elaboration but other than that it was great! Thanks for entering my contest!


  • tallblondie Greeters member
    May 2

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    Some spelling/grammer/punctuation errors;
    [1] 'see' not 'se', 'weeped' fits better than 'weeping' The second sentence needs a couple of commas to improve the flow.
    [2]"No - it was just a dream - none of it was true." the addition of the hyphens gives this sentence clarity and impact.
    [4] 'overseas' not 'over seas', 'clothes' not 'cloths'
    [5] 'heard' not 'herd'
    [6] The first three sentences need to be revised - especially in regards to adequate punctuation.
    [7] again 'heard' not 'herd'. Additionally, the first sentence needs to be broken up;
    "She had heard on the news that an unknown troop had been blown apart last week, and thought nothing of it. He was coming home - there could be no way it was him. He would be coming home and even now must be somewhere safe." Again, proper punctuation improves clarity and flow.

    Overall, a highly emotive piece, though slighly lacking in descriptive language. The 'unedited' feel of the piece also drags it down.

    Thank you for your entry and good luck!


  • ForestFaery
    April 23

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    Wonderful

    it is sad... when i read that i think about my brophters who are going into the military... to loose someone is a sad thing. i owuld have probably avted the way she did if i herd somthing like that happened to them.


  • Angelness
    April 13

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    Great Story. Yeah, like Honey Angel mentioned, look it over and check the grammar. Overall it was a great write! And perhaps you could give readers a little more clarification on the location she's at, perhaps more details to the place... I would like to see that.


  • HoneyAngel
    April 13

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    Wow this was pretty good. I think you need to go over it a little more. Your grammar is a little off. But it was still a great story and you conveyed the loss really well.

    Good job

    Angel.

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