She bent down looking at the markings on the wall… 1
“Halima, bring me the torch” she shouted to her assistant in the dark night hours.2
“What is it Selene?” 3
Halima pulled the torch forward shining its light against the sanded walls of the pyramid. It shone against a hieroglyphic covered with sediment of some sort. Selene pulled out a small wire brush and began to lightly and with quick strokes uncover the wording. Halima moved the torch closer, almost touching the wall itself in her desire to see what it was…4
Without looking up from her task Selene said “Halima you’re about to burn my eyebrows off”5
“Oh so sorry, I just… I can’t see what tha..”6
Halima’s words fell away from her lips as a sharp intake of breath replaced her voice once the glyph was uncovered. Selene straightened up stretching slightly her eyes shining brightly against the torchlight. Her only excitement showed in the glint her eyes reflected off the light. 7
“Could it be Selene? Oh my… is it maybe?”8
“I don’t know Halima, I only see one glyph though. There should be many more. Check around on the walls…look for anything out of the ordinary” Selene said as she moved away from Halima feeling along the walls to the entrance. Halima watched Selene’s feeble flashlight provide a small circle of light bobbing and moving as Selene headed around the bend.9
Halima stood for a moment in awe, her torch reflecting again upon the hieroglyph of Anubis. If this was the tomb of Anubis this would prove so many things wrong, it would indeed change the history of Egypt herself! She looked at the glyph one last time and turned around heading downward on the darkened pass, her torch leading the way.10
While Selene managed her cool analytical composition at the sight of the glyph, Halima’s mind went immediately racing. She was young and prone to excitement, not so jaded as some of the older archaeologists. For her the glyph represented possibility in reality, for others it represented possibilities and more work. She heard Selene in her head, “look for anything out of the ordinary”, “HA” she thought to herself, what is this ordinary that people speak of. She was an archaeologist…NOTHING was ordinary. She headed down farther along the hallway, coming to the barricaded door they had seen earlier in the day. She remembered the frustration of everyone as they realized they couldn’t pass through the doorway. The barricade was buried against the doorway covered in the sand of time. While they had to wait for a way to get through they kept themselves busy reading the walls of this previously uncovered pass. She sighed as she turned around again away from the barricade to head back to where her teammates and her illustrious leader waited. 11
A loose clump of sand hit the floor behind her and Halima turned around to make sure she hadn’t kicked anything or tripped over anything. She would be dead if she touched any of this, for this was the tomb of Anubis. 12
“SUPPOSED tomb silly girl” she whispered chiding to herself.13
She held the torch closer to the barricaded entrance to see what had fallen and was amazed to see a small light emanating from a fissure in the barricade. Halima being a smart girl immediately called to Selene14
“Selene!! Selene come here, I think there is something here!” Her excitement carried on those words echoing through the pyramid.15
Whatever could this be? She thought to herself bending down further slowly. She moved the torch to the right and pressing her face against the coarse sand. Strange she thought, it was warm to the touch. She gasped slightly and pulled away as a flash of movement made her think someone was behind the barricade. Impossible!! This barricade was not man made, but made over time, having it’s way with history. No one could possibly be in there. The light still emanated, a soft blue, almost calling to her again. Her hair stood up on her neck and she knew she had to look again. She wondered, as she bent down again, why Selene hadn’t come yet. Perhaps she was just hallucinating this, maybe working too hard and perhaps Selene thought so too? She put that thought out of her mind and bent forward slowly pressing her face again to the opening. 16
A flash of movement so fast she couldn’t quite see, caused her to gasp again but she was frozen, couldn’t move. She could almost hear something, or not.. She strained her ears willing them to hear, while her fear crept up on her like chilling fever. She knew she should go and call to the others but she just couldn’t move. 17
“who’s there” she shouted in her mind, her voice coming out only in a whisper.18
Something clattered to the ground on the other side of the door and the noise was enough to shake Halima from the trance she was in. She stood up abruptly with a small noise, and it was then she heard it. She heard it clearly… her ears suddenly functioning. The whispers… softly… getting louder, were calling her name19
“Halima…gentle one” It was the sound of snakes softly hissing her name.20
She covered her mouth in a silent scream backing up one step at a time when something stepped in front of the light blocking it entirely. For a split second she stopped moving, thinking that her hallucination was over, when suddenly the barricade disappeared entirely and she heard her name one last time, shouted in a loud bellowing voice.21
“HALIMA!”22
The last thing she saw as she hit the floor, was the figure of a man in some royal kilt, but his head was that of a black dog. His eyes gleamed and she whispered as the torch hit the floor and he moved towards her....23
“a n u b i s”24
©SKW25
Author notes
my first story write of something i'm not immediately feeling... please let me know what you think, critique it, tear it up, but be kind please 
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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this is pretty good for a first story write. You met the requirments of the contest and did a good job doin it. Good luck~ Lady Eclipse
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oh you meanie! you write better then Icesis does.....(and yes its spelled differently..but thats my author name) but i love it..why did you stop? I want more!!!
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I agree w/ Zola, keep going!!!!!!!!!
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I didn't want it to stop when it did, that's my only criticism!!!! Take this story further!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
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Thank you Danna, I truly appreciated your critique. I'm not well versed on story writing rules nor do I feel competent enough to pen emotion in a story form. I'm much more of a poetry punch hitter lol. I will be re-writing this and will re-post it if you wish to read. I will be posting some other stories I've penned as well and see what people think of those too In any event thank you so much for reading this today
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I'm glad you stopped by today fallendreams, thank you for your kind words
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Thank you so much wjames
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Aww thank you unforgivenangel I do appreciate your reading and commenting on this
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I am going to give this a real critique. I hope that you find it helpful. If it sounds harsh, I do not mean for it to be. It is how I critique professional writers I work with, and how I like to be critiqued. I ask a lot of questions, not to challenge you personally, but to challenge your creativity, to help you (hopefully) look at your own work in a different way, and in that way, maybe help you to revise it. I have to say that I don't see my way as the only way, and in the end, you have to take what works for you, and ignore the rest.
First of all, the paragraph below should be three separate paragraphs. The grammatical rule is every time there is a new action, there is a new paragraph, so as you switch bwtween what Helima and Selene are doing, there needs to be a new paragraph.
Halima pulled the torch forward shining its light against the sanded walls of the pyramid. It shone against a hieroglyphic covered with sediment of some sort.
Selene pulled out a small wire brush and began to lightly and with quick strokes uncover the wording.
Halima moved the torch closer, almost touching the wall itself in her desire to see what it was…
You tell these lines very clinically. What is Helima thinking as she puts her torch closer to the wall? Is she puzzeled? Is she annoyed? Is she excited? Show me what she is feeling. Does her face furrow up as if questioning what Selene thinks is there? Does she take a deep breath and let out an annoyeed "Hmph" because she is deeply into her own work and does not want to be bothered by Selene? Does she start to smile, but bites the inside of her lip reminding herself not to get her hopes up too high? Show your reader the emotion.
“Could it be Selene? Oh my… is it maybe?”... some internal dialogue would be helpful. This is what she is saying, but I have the feeling she is trying to contain her excitment. What is her heart saying?
“I don’t know Halima, I only see one glyph though. There should be many more. Check around on the walls…look for anything out of the ordinary” Selene said... was her voice high with excitement? Did the words tumble out of her mouth quickly because she could hardly contain them? Did she say it in a dry, disappointed tone?
You have a very good spoken dialogue, but an internal one can help your reader see more clearly what is going on with your characters.
I am going to stop critiquing there, because all of my suggestions would be along this same line. Show more than you tell. If you do a revision, I would like to see it. Good luck.
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Hey this was very good. I was hanfing on every word as I read it. You have the start of something here. It is good as a short but you could take this somewhere. You left plenty to work with in the telling of it. Take this and run, you might have something.
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Great
very nice read... flowed in cryptic messages and kept anticipation of where you were going... -
LOL. Honey there's nothing to tear up. It's awesome. Amazing. Perfect. It had me on the edge of my seat gripping the desk. I felt like I was really there seeing these things, I could picture the tomb and the blue light and everything. You have a way of drawing the reader in and trapping them in the story. Wonderful job. You should really write more like this!
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