Old Betty Henderson: The Babysitting Grandma

Old Betty Henderson could have been happier. She had recently gotten into a fight with her grandson about a computer. He wasn't speaking to her and she felt horrible. Her grandson, Peter, had always been there for her. Betty wanted him back. He was the only joy that she had in her life.1

She thought really hard about it, and she finally formulated a plan. Clever Mrs. Henderson was going to baby-sit. So how on earth would this help? Betty had it all figured out. You see, Peter's girlfriend had two cousins. She needed somebody to watch over them. Betty figured out that if she watched the children, she could earn Peter's trust back. The plan was brilliant. Perhaps the only thing that could get in the way of her genius idea, was the fact that Betty did not know what babysitting was.2

Betty took a deep breath and walked in front of the large, brown door. Behind this giant door stood the two children that she was going to baby-sit. As Mrs. Henderson stood in the doorway and waited, she realized that she had forgotten to ring the doorbell. Putting on her glasses, she looked all along the edge of the door frame for a button. Nothing could be found. "Stupid crap doorbell," she mumbled.3

Giving up on finding the button, she grabbed her cane and smacked the door. The enormous door shook and an odd pop sound was formed. "Wow," she exclaimed. "This is so neat." Betty grabbed her cane and smashed the door again. The even louder noise put a smile on her face. "Cheap crap doors," she said. "In my day, good doors cost a nickel."4

With even more excitement, she hit the door a third time. As the cane missed it's target, the old woman's weapon flew into a light fixture and ripped it off. "Oh shit!" she yelled. She quickly bent over to pick it up. As her arms went to grab the shattered light bulb, her leg slid on her dress. In no time, Old Henderson's butt was sliding along the pavement.5

The door finally opened. The woman behind the door, Peter's girlfriend, stared down at the poor, old woman. With a cane in one hand and glass reminants in the other, Betty was rolling around shouting curse words. "Umm... are you ok?" asked the girlfriend.6

"Yeah I'm fine," she explained. "Just... er... damn... uh... cleaning your fixture with this here rock."7

With no time to lose, the girlfriend quickly rushed Betty into the house. "I have to go meet Peter soon," she explained. "Look, just do your job and do it right. The younger one's name is Jake. He's only 9 months. He's just so cute!... oh and then there's Stacey. She's going through that teenage thing and she has quite an attitude if you know what I mean. Well goodness... oh look at the time... I... I must be leaving. Goodbye!" On that note, she rushed out of the house.8

Mrs. Henderson stood in the narrow hallway in shock. She was in someone else's house and had no clue what her job was. Plus, her booty hurt from when she fell...With nothing else to do, she started glancing around the house. The furniture was beautiful and the house was enormous. In her opinion, Peter sure had something nice going on.9

As she walked all about, she found a cute, little crib. Inside the crib was Jake. "Oh, look how darn cute!" she said. "I remember in my day when... uhh... actually... uhh I don't remember. Crap at my old age I probably have alzheimers. Oh well, atleast I can still remember some things. Isn't that right, little Jill?"10

With no time to waste, she began to do her job. She set Jake on the floor. Betty then began doing bun exercises. She bent over, warming up her cheeks. In a very slow manner, she started closing in on the innocent baby.11

"What the hell are you doing!" yelled Stacey, as she came down the stairs.12

"I'm sitting on the baby," she yelled back. "Now just mind your own business. I heard about your attitude!" Betty bounced up on her legs and got back into the position.13

"You're a dumbass," exclaimed Stacey. "Baby-sitting is not to be taken in literal context... It's an expression, you nipple-tweak!"14

Mrs. Henderson backed away from baby Jake. "Oh yeah you crap face?" she said. "Then what the hell do I do around here?"15

Stacey rolled her eyes at stupid Old Betty. "Wow... where the hell did my aunt find you? ... You're suppossed to take care of us and watch us and junk."16

"Oh," said Betty. "I'm sorry... I guess everyone makes mistakes. Er... That's no reason to flip out and crap!"17

"I had the right to flip out," cross-fired Stacey. "You were about to kill my little brother!"18

Betty felt guilty. She had made a mistake and now she looked like an idiot. She even jeopardized someone's life. After a few moments to reflect on her actions, she realized that she didn't have to take shit from this teen. "That's how I show I care!" she said to cover-up her mistakes.19

"Oh I give up..." confessed Stacey. "Look... if you wanna do something right, go make me lunch. Plus, get some snacks ready for the party."20

"What party?" asked Betty. She didn't recall anything about a party.21

"You know, the part-ay!" she said. "It is going to be off the hook! The roof will be on fire!"22

Mrs. Henderson panicked. "Dear lord, you are not setting your roof on fire. If you get anywhere near the matches, I will call the police!"23

Stacey let out a huge, depressed grunt. Her babysitter was a dumbass. "It's an expression," she explained. "Now forget about it... just go make my dinner."24

Old Lady Henderson walked into the kitchen. So many thoughts were going about in her head. She was incredibly worried about the roof. Was it really an expression or were these teenage mutant ninja deliquents about to blow up their house?25

As she walked into the kitchen, she was in shock as to how big it was. The family was so incredibly rich. As she walked over to the refridgerator, her foot slid on her dress again. As she landed onto the ground, her hands reached up at the air, grasping for any last hope. Sadly, there was nothing to save her... Houston, the baby-sitting-butt has landed!26

"Crap shit butt argh er grarr ack hamburger grass grrr argh tropicana!" she mumbled. She was too angry to control the words that came out of her mouth. As she got back up, her old, feeble bones cracked. As she slowly walked to the freezer, her hip snapped back in to place.27

Inside the freezer stood a few TV dinners. She read the instructions: heat for 45 minutes; and threw the cold boxes of food into the oven. As she was setting the dial to forty-five, she had a crave for melted cheese. She had no clue why, but she enjoyed hot, warm cheese. To satisfy her hunger, she tossed in a few wrapped cheese slices. With all this boxed food in the oven, she pressed the start button.28

She walked back out into the living room to check on the children. Jake was sound asleep on the floor and Stacey was watching television. Betty sat down beside Stacey and let out a deep breath. She folded her arms behind her head and plopped her feet up on the coffee table.29

"You're not allowed to put your feet on the table," said Stacey.30

"I've had about enough crap out of you!" yelled Mrs. Henderson. "Mind your own business or you will be punished!"31

As Stacey planned her next insult, a loud boom was heard. Both Betty and Stacey turned their heads towards the kitchen at the exact same moment. The wrappers on the food in the oven had exploded and there was a fire in the kitchen.32

"Oh my shit!" she yelled. "The house is going to burn down! Crap shit damn argh butt cheese goat!" Once again, the random words flowed out.33

Stacey quickly ran out the back door. Betty ran for Jake. "My precious Jill! Everything will be alright." As she looked at the fire, it had now spread to about half of the house. "Oh crap shit butter lard honda toyota!" she shouted. She quickly glanced for an exit but all the doors were now blocked except for the one that Stacey used. Being the stupid dumbass that Betty was, she ignored the perfect escape route.34

With an evil grandmother cry, Betty screamed off the top of her lungs. She grabbed her cane and started beating the fire. She whacked away, trying to kill the evil flares. Soon, her cane caught on fire. She screamed for her life and threw it at the backdoor. Now, she could no longer exit out of the door. 35

She started screaming again and threw some expensive China dishes at the fire. The flames had unleashed the monster within Betty.36

With the fire closing in on her, she didn't have many options left. She let out a big howl, and then headbutted a window. Her head bounced off the window and it remained perfectly intact. "Ow... shit," she said. 37

She felt a little light-headed, but she soon tried again. This time, she made it through the window and out flew Old Betty and Jake. When they hit the grass outside, Jake was crying like crazy. Betty yelled for him to shut up and started running away from the house.38

From the road, Stacey and Mrs. Henderson watched the house burn down. Betty was in so much trouble. She had trashed the house that belonged to the girlfriend of her grandson. She was in deep shit. "Ass shit crap poop armoire tablecloth!" she yelled. As the house continued to burn and wooden scraps started collapsing, the two stood in awe. As one flame got bigger, a small grin spread onto Betty's face. This small grin eventually turned into a giant smile. It wasn't long until Old Mrs. Henderson was cracking up with laughter.39

Stacey turned her head from her burnt home and watched the old woman laughing. "What in god's name can be so damn funny?" she asked.40

"Well," said Betty. "Now the roof really is on fire!"