Hear My Prayer

UNDER REVISION

Author notes

The prompt from Mel-The-Believer:

K, write a story using this song.

http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/512/falling_up..captiva..good_morning_planetarium.html

if you need to listen to it here,
http://youtube.com/watch?v=56xTauQrwQY

In a list

A contest entry

Was this suspenseful? Did it cause any emotion?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • stargazer72
    September 12, 2008
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    Good job. I think that this story is really inspiring, intriguing, and flowed well. One area in improvement that I think would make the story flow better is that it was kind of sudden, the ending. All the sudden, they were together again. But overall, it was amazing.


  • Kai Kudou
    June 10, 2008
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    cool

    This was good but sadly I can only pick three finalists, so sorry.


  • nixers
    May 30, 2008
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    I really enjoyed this piece. It is moving and interesting, but I agree with the previous commenter, it needs more emotion. A story, especially one about heartbreak and divorce needs emotion. Otherwise it is very good and nice to read. Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest.


  • AllOuta
    May 27, 2008

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    This was a great piece, moving and raw. I could have used a little more expansion though the feeling was perfect and your tone dead on. Good luck!


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    May 19, 2008
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    Good Story!

    I liked this story, but I felt that you could have more detail and expand it some. For example: How Sami died and why his wife felt it was her husband's fault. It had a good ending, but the poor fellow had a broken nose.

    This is pretty well written, though there were a couple of mistakes.

    Thanks for entering 'For Writers Fourteen Or Under'

    Andy


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    May 18, 2008

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    You have a talent so cherish it

    Hi Athena, thank you for entering the contest .

    Wow, girl you took on a very difficult task for an experienced author and did a nice job. Showing anguish from a grown man’s POV and not making them look like a wimp can be a challenge .

    All this emotional baggage this poor fellow is carrying. The loss of his little boy. His wife leaves him when he needs her most; add to that she thinks their child’s death is his fault. I wasn’t the least surprised when he headed for that bridge.

    You do need some editing but then we all do . Keep your eye open for each other—it came up a few times as one word.

    I’m certainly pleased that you chose to have characters get back together.

    You have a talent so cherish it and keep writing .

    Geri


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    May 13, 2008

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    You did a good job in bringing out the emotion. I found your story to be very descriptive and enjoyed reading it. Good work.

  • Writing0Freedom
    April 22, 2008
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    Wow! This was very well done. I like that the son drives them apart and brings them together. It makes me want to know more how Sami dies and maybe understand better the grief and maybe guilt the father feels. I liked the addition of Sarah punching David, it fits and it helps tie it all up. I thought it was realistic and well written.
    Good write!
    WritingFree


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    April 20, 2008

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    This was a very good heart-wrenching story. You did a great job of revving up the emotions. That said, I have to admit that it seems a bit...trite. Maybe I'm a cynic (well, I know I'm a cynic *laughs*), but I don't imagine that their renewed marriage is going to work if it didn't work the first time. It's all a little too perfect, you know? I know it's a story and all, but it feels scripted. Anyways, I still enjoyed the read and you are obviously a talented writer. Keep penning!


  • Seshat Kitty
    April 15, 2008

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    Wow, this was so brilliant!
    I loved this. The first few lines drew me in and all uphill from there! This was really really good!
    The end was kind of unexpected and I was hoping for a different kind of miracle, you know the one that would make you burst into tears but your ending was good too.
    Everything was worded perfectly and I just loved it so much!
    Excellent Write!


  • Miss Belligerence
    April 13, 2008

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    huh, the end was sort of unexpected, it left me thinking 'well that won't last' but that's my cynicism
    the rest of it was very good, very heartfelt and emotional. I feel like the "next day" part could've just been woven into the story. It took me out for a second and reminded me that it is just a story.
    Great job though
    thanks for entering my contest
    -gibson


  • YourPinUpDoll
    April 12, 2008
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    Exactly

    This is EXactly what I was looking for in a story... This sounds sorta like my home life right now... but the other way around! Thats not strange...

    ***PLEASE do not reply to this comment. The name appears and I do not want this... I want the contest to be fair!***

    Thanks for entering!!

    Christa


  • Alone And Afraid
    April 12, 2008
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    this was pretty amazing. Sad, but awesome. my favorite part was, "For me, I thought that this would be it. She wouldn't exist, only in my memories." that was really cool. i think you should keep writing things like this. You have a good talent. KEEP IT UP!


  • scriptor
    April 12, 2008
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    i liked it alot it was very sad and i dont know what he did to deserve a broken nose though i have one suggestion; it might sound better if you just said said my thougths became a jumble of regrets instead of my thoughts became a whirlwhorl of thoughts


  • Mel-the-Believer
    April 11, 2008

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    This is really great. I think it'd be awesome if you decided to maybe add more, in either way, this was really great. I liked it a lot. Thank you so much for entering. Good luck. God Bless!

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