Possession

Dearest Minnie,
As I lie in this room, I can feel my life ebbing slowly away, painfully, the constant darkness adding to the torture. I have never once feared death in my life, but now I can fear nothing but. My previous views of optimism have long dissipated into the dimness that for the past week I have found myself in. My captor, although believing that what he is doing is right, is surely inhumane. He leaves me to stew in my own filth at the end of each day and delivers to me scarce amounts of food. I hate him for what he has done. He's robbed me of my friends, my family, my life.1

I am not yet sure about what this fiend is going to do to me, but I know that it shall be dreadful to say the least. Another thing I am not sure of is whether this letter shall ever reach your beautiful eyes that glistened emerald green under the soft light of the morning sun. But as the sun rises over the horizon of each new day, terrible doubt lingers in my mind. A shadow, black as night, overcasts my mind and I now believe there is no escape. If this letter does not manage to leave these premises, then I shall continue to write more until one eventually finds a fortunate escape.2

Yours sincerely,
Your loving husband.3


My dear, dear Minnie,
Only imminent death can keep me from you. Blazing anger dwells in my gut and I fear that if that vile man were to visit me now, I will do something I would later regret.4

I realise that I should go into detail over my kidnapping, just in case you ever get the chance to lay your eyes on these letters. It began eight days ago, admist the gloom of the night. I, unfortunately, had a pile of work to complete, so I had to stay on late at school. Sometimes I wish that my duties as a teacher could just be discarded and the life I once dreamed of could soon be accomplished. But I know this is not to be. For as long as my heart defect continues to deteriorate, I shall never again go abroad and complete my travels.5

Anyway, my ordeal began on that one fateful night. I curse myself now for not taking the car into work that day, for had I not been walking alone in the rave dark night, I believe that none of this would have happened.6

It was a car, a dark, nave blue car that seemed to follow me everywhere I went. Eventually it disappeared; I assumed it had turned into a street called Waver Close, but obviously I was wrong. It resurfaced as I approached my destination in Charnwood Road. The car slowed and came to a halt beside me, the lights dwindling away into the surrounding darkness...7

After that, I know not what happened, only that I woke to find myself here, alone. It made me feel so depressed for the first two or three days that on more that one occasion I had contemplated suicide; but I knew that I must keep faith if I were to have any chance of escape. Although now, I fear that my death shall be imminent.8

Yours sincerely
Your loving husband.9


Minnie,
I must keep this letter short as my oppressor has been watching my every move. He suspects I may have been writing letters in secret and trying to get them to the outside world and if he were to catch me, I think my life would be terminated. I realise that my previous two letters have never made it out of this house and this one is my final hope, for if I fail now, it will be all over...10


Dear Diary,
Today I lost a husband. He was the greatest man that ever lived in my eyes. I loved him, cherished him and did everything I could to save him, but it was all in vain. He disappeared two weeks ago today, on our fifth wedding anniversary and espite a fifty man squad helping with the hunt, we failed to prevail. And then the call came this morning. The dreaded call. The police had raided a house somewhere on the Snatch Hill estate, in a street I think was called Waver Close.11

It was by chance that my husband was found, but now I wish he hadn't. At least then I could hold on to that glimmer of hope that has now receded into the distance.12

They wouldn't go into detail over the state he was found in; apparently it was too horrific for me to comprehend. However, from what I do know, he was found locked away in a room full of excretion and vermin and God knows what. He was starved to death, reduced to nothing but an emaciated wreck.13

I pray to God, I pray to God for my forlon expectations of a better life to happen, to come true, and allow me to move on. But for now I cannot, for now I must grieve and move on at a later time.14

Goodbye for now, Minona "Minnie" Kingston.

Author notes

This is the new and improved version of possession. I personally think it is much better than the original. What do you think?

A contest entry

For Contests: Just Sad Stuff: 2 - sad stories.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • ManualLoveLetter
    April 27
    Edit | Reply
    wOW PRETTY INTERESTING

  • LucidLakes
    February 16

    Edit | Reply
    This is very sad, and I don't want to think of the horror that that person had to endure. I feel so sorry for the wife, it must be hard to read those letters. This was very emotional and well written. (:

    Good Luck in my contest. (;


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    October 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Comment:
    I really think that you captured the emotions of the victim. I think that the opening paragraph really caught me, and throughout I did have a sense of "I hope he doesn't get killed." It was sad when he did. The use of colors, esp. in par. 2, where the reader can see the stark contrast between "beautiful emerald eyes" and the shadow that is "black as night." Really wonderful.

    I thank you for taking the time to enter my contest.

    I wish you luck in future writerly endeavors,

    Lady Editor

    Critique:
    My captor, although believing that waht he is doing is right, is surely inhumane. [typo: what instead of waht... happens to the best of us]

    I unfortunately had a pile of work to complete, so I had to stay on late at school. [I would put a comma before and after the word "unfortunately"]

    Today I lost a husband. He was the greatest man that ever lived in my eyes. [If you are writing to your diary, your diary is considered your own little world, so I would omit "in my eyes."]

    He disappeared two weeks ago today, on our fifth wedding anniversary and espite a fifty man squad helping with the hunt, we failed to prevail. [typo: despite instead of espite]

    • freel
      October 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thanks

      thanks for the comments. i'll definitely take on board your comments and use them to improve Possession.
      Thanks.


  • BrokenDawn
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like this it is a little vague in parts but I think that almost makes it better. I liked the idea here and you style of writing is very good. Thank you for entering my contest.


  • bird-mad girl
    July 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think this piece could have been more effective if it was a tad more detailed. Don't get me wrong, the details you already have a great but this piece felt like it was missing something. I kind of wish that you revealed more about the kidnapper, made it really twisted like he was a crazed student who kidnapped and tortured his teacher. I think that would have also been a nice touch to this story.


  • KayZee
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Awww... poor Minnie
    That was really cool. Really original.
    I could totally picture it all. Great story


  • Rhonin gold member
    July 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very interesting story. the wording and setting don't match up, but it's excusable.

    i'd say the best, and also worst, part was how you said nothing about the torture that the man was experiencing. all we know was from the letters and the state of his prison upon police arrival. personally, i tend to explain everything by the end, but you just left it all out and kept everyone guessing. this is a very annoying and aggravating technique, but had the exceedingly brutal advantage of being the most realistic as well. because of that, it works in this case.

    using the letters to tell the story was an interesting approach, reminding me somewhat of Bram Stroker's Dracula actually, and aside from a few grammatical errors, it told the story well. just enough information to keep you interested, not enough to let you know what's going on.


  • Darkhearted
    July 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    great story... I felt compelled to cry for the poor woman.

    Ingenious,
    Chey-Bear


  • Naive.
    June 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    First off, I have to remind you that one of the rules in my contest was to tell why this story was your favorite in your Author Notes. My contest closes in 4 days, so you have plenty of time to add that.

    Now, onto the critique...

    I think this piece of writing was very descriptive, and I commend you for that. I was left wanting to know more about the male and his wife, and if he was able to escape his captor. I felt at some parts the phrasing was a tad bit awkward and old-fashioned. Also, the second letter didn't seem to fit in well with the others. However, I couldn't catch any major mistakes that took away from the writing. Very good job.

    Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!

    -jj

  • Writing0Freedom
    April 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I also think it seems unlikely that the letter writer would be tripping over themselves. This was good, it was descriptive. I wish I could have known the woman character and the guy's character better. I thought putting "Alas" was slightly over dramatic only because most people don't commonly use that in this era. The you described the place the man was captive was very well done- I could picture it. This is a good piece and writing it through the letters made it different. Nice job!
    WritingFree


  • Andrew Timothy
    April 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Pretty good.

    I like the way in which you wrote this story, using letters. It gives it an air of terrifying speculation.

    There's a few things I noticed with the letters though:

    "I suppose I’m just too, um, what’s the word? Oh yes, I’m too nice." ~ This doesn't seem to natural to have in a letter. I mean, if I were to write one, I wouldn't trip over myself (or it wouldn't seem so) because I had decided what to put on the paper. The sentence may go better simply as "I'm suppose I'm just too nice."

    "I collapsed to the ground, blood trickling from my left temple." ~ Again, this seems a bit out of place. How would the man had known he had collapsed (assuming that he was knocked unconscious)?

    Other than those, all else I could find were just a couple misspellings.

    Very nice writing.

    • freel
      April 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I shall take these comments on board and hopefully I shall soon have a revised edition of Possession uploaded to the site.


  • Tiger-Lily
    April 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Tiny cinch:

    "...previous two letters had never made out of this house..." Needs an "it" after "made".

    Fairly well-worded emotions...I feel however,that the flashback piece interrupted the emotions. It was important for the plot, I understand, but somehow, perhaps because it is a short piece, I cannot sympathize with the protagonist...maybe more action would have helped, as nothing actually happens (events).

  • freel
    April 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    good, could be much better

    beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 4.


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    April 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Yes, you have captured the emtions well! But you also use some antiquated language, some phrases that people just don't use any more. After your first letter, I was convinced that this was taking place a long time ago, and then you introduced the bus stop. Also, you leave readers with so many questions! Who is his captor? Why was he kidnapped? Where is he? Does he ever get out? When a reader becomes so emotionally involved in your character, they want to know what happens to him! Overall, nice job. I really liked the method of writing letters to tell the story. Keep writing and welcome to Storywrite!

    • freel
      April 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the comment. Much appreciated. I was 13 at the time of writing possession, and had been experimenting with older writing styles, which is why it sounds so old.

1 - 17 of 17