The earlier years of my life were painfully constrained by the bonds of self consciousness. As the oldest child of five I felt as if everyone around me was watching for some astounding accomplishment. Even one slip would disappoint my parents and make me a failure. In a world full of criticism self consciousness is not healthy for one’s esteem. Another aspect of my personality that was a pitfall through my younger years was the ability to read, and understand people.1
As I grew up I heard the vicious rumors and back-stabbings that flew through elementary and middle school years and sadly I heard it from adults as well. Accompanying this ugly side of the people was the contrast of polite conversations and cool pleasantries. Because I could see both sides of the people I knew I was always thinking: “What do they say about me when I am not around?” 2
A huddled group of whispering peers incited fear and anxiety in me to such a level that it became unreasonable. To some degree the anxiety was warranted. There was a fair share of back stabbing in many of the schools I attended and sometimes I felt I deserved it. With comparison to the country the schools I went to were decent schools but in my heart I was unsettled and afraid. The feeling of needing to watch every step I took became overwhelming at many times. From 6th to 8th grade the need to please everyone became so tremendous I slipped in and out of concealed depression frequently. Even though my life looked constructed and happy, I never was.3
My depression, self loathing and self degradation came to such a point that I considered suicide for the first time in my life. At first it was shocking. One should not feel this way. I was living a good life wasn’t I? I had many friends, I was at the top of my class academically, I was going to church, I had a good family; but I felt empty. After a while I got used to it. Life was a facade I couldn’t break free of. So when the opportunity arrived to finally break free it felt as if a weight was lifted from my shoulders.4
My parents had announced that they wanted to move again. An idea brewed in my mind. I knew the formula for being popular: The personality and the involvement. I decided right then and there that when I moved I would be popular. I made a plan. Because of how my ideas of social behavior had been melded based on the school I was currently in, I made a plan that would work in that situation.5
It didn’t take long for me to learn that all my conceptions of social workings were challenged and disrupted in the sanctuary of The Heber valley. I didn’t need my plan. Classmates greeted each other with genuine happiness and joy. Though not by any means a perfect society the contrast was so startling that my family and I felt that we had left earth and ascended to a different realm where happiness was possible and not just a far off goal.6
Friendships were easy to develop even in between the most diversified cliques: The smart kids hung out with jocks, skaters had friends that were preps. It was like my world suddenly turned right. I found I could be myself and not worry about being accepted. I could be smart and have friends. I could be in a musical and not be restricted to being only a theater kid. I was being noticed for the right reasons. I was appreciated. And most importantly I was truly loved by those around me.7
I had finally learned that I had self worth. I now allow myself to be me. No one has the right to judge or degrade me and I will never let it hamper me again. Not for the rest of my life.8
Author notes
I'm a girl.
English assignments always seem to bring out my best work some how.
A contest entry
- Just You [[Melancholy Melodies]] by Taylor Renee.
225 points, ended May 5, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - "In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter?" by Andrew Timothy.
335 points, ended May 28, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Professional Grade Criticism is Appreciated
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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This was exceptionally good. I was beyond impressed with this piece. Usually I get bored easily and only read the first few paragraphs. I was drawn to this, despite the fact that I came in thinking it wouldn't be good. This is amazing.
I know what you mean about acceptance. I think everyone does. I think, at one point or another, everyone feels out of place. Middle school's always the hardest.
As good as this was, I saw some grammatical errors. You left out a lot of commas. Maybe have someone or some program edit through it. -
I saw your comment down there: "I would really like to expand on this sometime." If you were to, this might be publishable. (
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I must say, I know what you mean--being judged like that and trying not to disappoint the parents. I'm the eldest of four brothers, and my parents, to put it in quotes, think that I'm "a special kid." ...I also know what it's like to be lifted up from that type of depression. Basically, the same thing that happened to you happened to me.
A few commas may be needed (or not needed) in a few areas...
"In a world full of criticism(,) self consciousness is not healthy for one’s esteem. Another aspect of my personality that was a pitfall through my younger years was the ability to read,(no comma here) and understand people."
"My depression, self loathing and self degradation(,) came to such a point..."
...and such and such.
This was done rather well, and I hope you expand it (particularly through the time of from depression to happiness).
Thank you for entering and good luck. -
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Thanks!
Its really nice to get feed back like this. I was pleasantly surprised when you said that if I expanded it that it might be publishable. I thank you for that. I was thinking about taking all the way to a full memoir and publishing it. I don't know yet, still have a lot of life to live.
Thanks for the pointers
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This was really good, the writing was very sophisticated and very well thought out. In the intro paragraph especially I felt that each word was there for a reason. That's really nice to see, especially since I'm an absolute word freak.
I think that this could really be drawn out though. I'm the oldest of five (with a ten year age gap between me and the youngest) and I think that you could have drawn on more of that. Why did being in a "big" family effect you? Did you agree with the people waiting for your amazing achievements, were your striving to do great to be an astounding sister to your younger siblings?
In the first paragraph you mention reading... how does this play into the rest of the essay?
The first sentence of the second paragraph you talk about rumors and such. The first few times I read it I thought they were directed towards you and I was gonna say that I felt like there was back story missing, but now I'm thinking that you were just talking about rumors and cattiness in general. In which case you might need to add a little something like "the rumors that flew around the social circles of my school." It kinda goes with what I said in the beginning about careful word choices, you do a wonderful job at that but sometimes you condense things too much. You may know what you are talking about but as a reader who doesn't know you have to expand to the point where it seems silly.
This was ultimately really good and it had a really nice flow, I just think that you could have expanded and drawn it out a lot.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 5.
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See the thing is that this was an assignment for English and we HAD to keep it in one page and it was VERY difficult.
If I had written this on my own if would have been probably five-ten pages. I am one of those writers that gives tons of attention to detail and so I would really like to expand on this sometime. Thanks for the comment.
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