A red sky, filled with the fleeting sun and scattered with fluffs of daunting clouds, loomed ominously overhead. The city lay in smoldering ruins, smoke choking out the last drops of human life. Ragnorak City had been a stronghold of the Rumien Empire, the only true military power that ruled the world. With the fall of one of its foreward fortresses, Rumia was facing great turmoil. A force was rising that threatened not only Rumia, but all of the world.1
Near the outer edge of the city, a small pile of debris shifted. Pushing away the remnants of her house, Avalon emerged from the debris. Her small frame wasn't fatally harmed, but her right arm was badly burned. Her dark red hair was nearly black with soot and dirt and her solid green eyes were hazy still as she slowly regained consciousness. She quickly took in her surroundings. The entire city was gone. She wondered if she was the only survivor or if she should start trying to dig out others.2
The pain suddenly hit her as her mind became aware of her burned flesh. She felt dried blood on her nose and touched it gingerly, wincing against the bruising. Feeling dizzy, she leaned against an iron pillar.3
She heard a sound to her left and instinctively thought it was the same person who had destroyed the city. They may have caught her off guard, but she was not defenseless. She clenched her good fist, still gritting her teeth against the pain. She felt the warmth flow through her arm and fill her palm. She opened her hand barely an inch to permit oxygen to light the flame.4
From the haze of smoke a form emerged. Avalon narrowed her eyes. When the person was close enough to hear her, she said, "Stay where you are or I'll burn you alive."5
The person stopped. For a moment there was silence and Avalon began to feel uneasy. She tensed, readying for the need to fight. Then, the person moved again, proceeding toward Avalon faster than before. Not caring to play games, she opened her hand completely, allowing the flame to grow. With a quick flick of her wrist, Avalon stretched out her arm and a ball of fire erupted from her hand, tearing straight through the person.6
Avalon blinked as the form vanished. She hadn't added that much heat, she knew. Something else was amiss. A sudden movement flashed around her and she felt someone grab her arm. She gasped and jerked away, managing to free her hand. She spun around to face the person ready to ignite them. But when she stretched her arm again, nothing happened. The warmth in her hand was gone and no matter how she tried, she couldn't form a flame.7
"Who are you?" she demanded. "And why are you here? Did you do this?" She gestured to the ruined city.8
The other person moved out of the smoke. Avalon recognized the feminine features. The person wore a dark purple hooded cloak and similar robes underneath. Pulling back the hood, she stared at Avalon, locking her gaze. Something about this woman intrigued Avalon, but she couldn't place a finger on it. The woman's face was too perfect, her eyes too blue, her hair too brown - she could be nothing shy of some sort of enchantress. But what enchantress was skilled in hand-to-hand combat?9
Then, she spoke and her voice was like a thousand rivers: flowing yet hard to miss. "I am Whetu, and I come with no intentions of harm. I had nothing to do with the destruction of your city, but I fear I may know who did."10
Looking over Avalon's arm, Whetu commented, "You need medical attention."11
Avalon glared, breaking away from Whetu's captivation. "I'm fine. I've been through worse."12
"I am certain you have," Whetu replied. She reached out a hand and touched Avalon. The pain from her wounds ceased.13
Astounded, Avalon took a step back. "You're no enchantress."14
"No." A simple reply that still seemed to answer Avalon.15
"What are you then?"16
A thin smile spread over Whetu's face, softening her already soft features. "That is an amusing question. I am living flesh, the same as you. A creation of the five Gods, as you are. And I am a female, the same as you. So, whatever you are, that so too am I."17
Avalon raised an eyebrow, trying to make sure she understood Whetu completely. "Um... okay then. If you're not here to attack anyone, what are you here for?"18
Whetu looked out at the horizon for a moment, listening to the wind whistling through the piles of stone and metal. "Ragnarok City was a capital city. Hundreds of travelers passed through its gates daily. I have simply arrived at a poor time. The world seems full of poor times anymore."19
"Right. You're not being very helpful."20
Whetu moved past Avalon. "We need to leave, child. Staying here will bring neither of us anything prosperous."21
"What makes you think I'm going anywhere with you? You just attacked me."22
Whetu turned and spoke with a harsher tone to her voice, almost as if scolding Avalon. "You assaulted me first. I do not have time to play games with children."23
"Alright, stop calling me a child. I'm seventeen, okay? I'm an adult now."24
"By legal terms only," Whetu shot back. Her voice seemed to be a force all its own, strong enough to silence even the most aggravated outburst inside Avalon.25
Speaking softly again, Whetu added, "Childhood is not limited by age, but by experience and growth. I can see little experience in you and only physical growth."26
Avalon almost felt insulted, but something told her that was not Whetu's intentions. Sighing, she knew that the stranger was right. There was no reason to stay here.27
"Fine," she said. "I'll go with you to the next town over. But don't think this makes us friends."28
"Allies need not be friends," Whetu replied calmly, turning away again. "Only loyal."29
"Loyalty is earned, not given."30
"Indeed."31
Whetu walked toward the sunset. Avalon rushed to catch up and walked with her. They continued in silence until all that could be seen of Ragnarok were the pillars of smoke.32
---33
“We’ve been walking for hours.” Avalon broke the silence that had surrounded them. “I need to stop soon.”34
Whetu pointed over towards the rise. “Over that hill is Novic. We will stop there.”35
Avalon thought of a curious idea. "Whetu, if you can make pain stop, why can't you heal wounds?"36
The mysterious woman's eyes glazed over for a moment and Avalon swore she glimpsed a longing for something. But whatever she saw vanished as quickly as it had appeared. Whetu replied with a calm voice, "Healing wounds is a stronger magic, the means for which I have currently forgotten."37
"What that does that mean?"38
Whetu shook her head. "You have too many questions and I too few answers."39
Again they walked on in silence. Avalon had many questions but her mind wandered, lost in the recent past. She replayed the events that had lead to this journey.40
---41
It had been a peaceful morning. She had been sitting by the fountain playing with a small globe of fire. As she tossed it from hand to hand, she reveled in the feel of power she held. Skipping the ball across each finger she smiled as the breeze brushed a few stray copper strands to tickle her nose.42
Though it was still new, she was getting use to this unexpected power. She threw the globe into the fountain as a pair of giggling girls carrying pails came around the corner.43
They stopped when they noticed her and started whispering behind their hands. Avalon watched as they walked to the far side of the oval fountain to fill their buckets.44
“What are you doing here?” The tall blond said while looking down her nose at Avalon.45
Avalon stayed silent but quickly hid one of her hands behind her back as a wisp of fire emerged. 46
“She’s got nothing better to do.” Laughed the other one, as she dipped her pail.47
---48
“We must tend to your wounds." Whetu's careful voice broke through Avalon's thoughts. "We will rest at the inn. I’m sure we will find all that we need there.”49
Avalon glared at Whetu’s hooded cloaked back and the palm of her hand grew warmed as she focused her thoughts.50
“I would not do that if I were you.” Again in a cheerful tone that set Avalon’s teeth on edge. Her whole world had fallen down around her and this strangely beautiful but silent woman was happy.51
“I asked you earlier what you were?” Avalon held the small flame at her fingertips. “You never did answer me.”52
Whetu looked over her shoulder smiling. “I am no one of importance.” Bright blue eyes held Avalon’s longer then she was comfortable. Just as she felt like squirming under that gaze Whetu turned back.53
Avalon was not giving up. “You come out of the smoke and ruins of my city, squelch my fire.” She held out her palm where the small flame now danced just above the skin. “And then tell me we must leave.”54
“And you followed,” stated Whetu quietly. “Here we are.”55
Avalon was surprised when they came to a solid oak door. Above the entryway hung an aged and cracked sign. Upon it is held a cup with a crown encircling it. 56
“The Crowning Cup. A bit bold of the owner, but he is a good man.”57
Avalon stood facing the street. She had been so busy trying to figure Whetu out she hadn’t noticed the small cottages that now lined the road. Solid stone buildings that were covered with thatch with small kitchen gardens off to the side.58
Inside smelled strongly of old cooking and alcohol, but to a famished stomach it was bliss. Avalon noticed the way the barkeep looked at Whetu, a strange gaze of simply knowing. He was a massive man, more muscle than body almost - and no hair. His beady black eyes pierced straight through Avalon and she resisted the urge to cover herself.59
"Derran," Whetu said in a cheerful tune, "we'll be needing rest and medical attention for my young friend."60
The man grunted and thrust his thumb toward the stairs. "Second room on the left," he said gruffly. "I'll send Amalia up with the meds."61
"Thank you." Whetu moved gracfeully away from the scarred wooden counter and Avalon caught a glimpse of golden coins before Derran confiscated them. Still not sure why she was following this woman, Avalon proceeded up the stairs with Whetu and into the designated room.
Author notes
Joint effort with Oblivion Kitty God and I
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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A good story. In particular, I liked Whetu - even though some of her comments didn't exactly make sense. But I think you're going for a mysterious type character, and that worked. I noticed a lot of adjectives and adverbs in the narration, which was at times a bit distracting for me. Take a look at the first sentence for instance - I feel that would have been more powerful without the fleeting or daunting or ominously. Sometimes, a good line needs no embellishment. All that being said, I really enjoyed this story. The plot fast paced and interesting, there were no grammar errors to speak of, and most of the dialogue was quite sensible. Good Job!
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Yes, this one is better. Liked your narration. You slowed down in between. Story plot is superb and mindblowing. Keep it up and Thanks.
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this is a great story line! it kept my attention and i like how you presented it as well. i think its a great read, keep up the good work!
^^ nice job!
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Not a bad story.
It is a good solid story line.
I only have one suggestion right now. I was caught up by a few of the dialogues and paragraphs that started with Avalon did this and Wehtu did that. It is probably just me. If you revised that a little, I think it would flow a bit smoother to the reader. -
good fantasy stuff
Works well in its genre. grammatically solid
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I really like this and can't wait to read more of it. You have a great sense of, and portrayal of, imagery. Thanks so much for the great read, I will most definately be coming back!
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I love your characters name! Avalon is one of the best names I've seen out there that you can still pronounce, lol! Keep it up, can't wait for the rest!
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I think we've got six of these done. I haven't posted all of them, but if you're interested Oblivion Kitty God has them all.
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Hmm.. very detailed story... I like it!!!
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Interesting start - I should have read this a long time ago!
But this is real good - but I may be biased - I love all kinds of fantasy!
Going on to the next one soon.
RJ
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Let's begin with minor nits:
The use of "other person" to describe Whetu before we meet her is a bit repetitive and bland. Change it up a bit and give her something like "attacker" or something of that nature. "She spun around to face her attacker, ready to ignite them." To me, that sounds better than using "the person"...
This is used quite a bit until we get to know that the "other person" is Whetu. Give it a bit more spice and intrigue by putting those ideas or thoughts of what the "other person" might be into Avalon's head....will make it more suspenseful.
'graph 38: Avalon's dialogue seems a bit out of place...almost common or childish...perhaps revise. Perhaps you want her to sound immature, but using the word "heck" seems out of place in a fantasy story...but perhaps that's just me.
'graph 42-47: This is a flashback, I'm guessing BEFORE Rognarak was destroyed but it seems unfinished. Obviously Whetu interrupts her memories but still this flashback seems like it needs to be a bit longer and ...I just had a thought...I'm betting that Avalon destroyed the city....hmmm...interesting...perhaps that's why the flashback was interrupted?
Intriguing chapter. I'm curious how I could have missed this. I generally read everything that Brooke posts so how I missed this, I don't know.
You two seem to work well together, and aside from the usual grammatical and spelling mistakes, I'm thinking this could be quite good.
Now, onto the next section!
--Phil
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Thanks for the comment. Personally, I don't think mock profanity is limited by the genre of writing. If an alien thing from the year 4593 can say "hell", surely a childlike girl from a medieval-esque era can say "heck."
But I agree with the idea about the use of "other person." At the time of writing, I couldn't think of how else to say it. I'll go back and edit.
And I'm not sure about the flashback. Since there aren't any more in any of the other five sections, I'm unsure if we need it, really.
I'll talk to Brooke about that.
Thanks for the read. -
Sounds like Cory and I have some talking to do. Thanks Phil for your suggestions and I will see what we can do.
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Interesting beginning, showing the destruction of a major city yet not telling how or why. Then the seemingly only survivor emerges from the rubble, with some innate power of her own.
The story starts with many questions.
And then another appears with her own powers and helps Avalon to leave the city. Yet who is she and what are her reasons?
Yet more questions.
Geri caught everything I saw except for in 59.
'His beady black eyes pierced straight through Avalon and resisted the urge to cover herself.
Should be'..and (she) resisted the urge...'
This is an intriguing first chapter and I look forward to seeing where it goes and what the relationship between Avalon and Whetu turns out to be. Looks like things should get interesting.
Greg
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Thanks Greg. Am having lots of fun with one. Fixed that mistake.
Thanks for reading and I hope you stick around to read more.
Brooke
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Since this is a joint venture, I’m very curious to follow your work
I like the way you opened the story. The morsel of narration sets the reader into either a future or an alien world. Still you didn’t overburden us with too much knowledge only began developing the tale by action and dialogue
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The contrast between the girl and the woman shows there will be a bit of personal conflict and that undoubtedly will add at least a smidgen of humor, creating a good read.
Since this is a joint venture, I’m very curious to follow your work, and how you manage it. Who takes the blows for the booboos
Few sentences to look at:
A red sky, filled with the fleeting sun and scattered with fluffs of daunting clouds, loomed omniously (ominously) overhead. The city lay (lie or laid) in smoldering ruins,
With the fall of one of its coreward (forward ?)fortresses, Her dark red hair was nearly black with soot and dirt and her soild (solid) green eyes were hazy still as she slowly regained consciousness.
With a quick filck(flick) of her wrist,
Something about this woman intrigued Avalon, but she coldn't (couldn’t) place a finger on it. I had nothing to do with the destruction of your city, but I fear I may know who is (did)."10
I am living flesh, the same as you. A creation of the five gods,( Five Gods or five Gods) as you are. And I am a female, the same as you. So, whatever you are, that so (too) am I."17
the most aggrivated (aggravated) outburst inside Avalon.25
"Thank you." Whetu moved gracfeully (gracefully) away from the scarred wooden counter and Avalon caught a glimpse of golden coins before Derran confiscated them.
Geri
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks geri. Both Cory and I are going through it right now and fixing things here and there.
As for the booboos, I think we will both take the blame for them. I sometimes can't remember what he's written and I have
Thanks again
Brooke
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Intriguing Story.. realy drew me in!
Descriptions of the characters were very... of your mysterious hooded women and injured naive/rebellious hero.. or in this case heroine! I do agree with some of the comments below, about telling more.. and it's not that the story isn't already great as it is, but by tweaking it a bit would really strengthen the story!
Keep it Up! -
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Thanks and I'm glad you liked it.
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A VERY GOOD START
Hello Brooke! This is going quite well. I can't understand what the obsession is with showing and not telling in some of the comments below. If you can tell in an interesting, descriptive way, why not do it? Why not a combination of showing AND telling? I agree with the comment about Avalon suffering burns even though she can produce fire. I think it would be better if her wounds were of another nature, maybe a knife. I'm going on to the next part!
Anaya
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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She is able to maniplate flames, but she - at this point - is not highly skilled in this nature. And sudden or massive assaults - even if they are fire - can harm her. She is, after all, still just a child.
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wow
you're an amazing write. This is definantly something to be proud of.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Well thank you. Hope you stop by and the rest.
Thanks again
Syren
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This is amazing. I love this. You have a great skill with words. Honor it. I felt as if I were reading a book approved by the new york times and the horn book and all those other dudes that write stuff on the backs of book. Except... I didn't have a shiny book in my hand.... only a mouse and keyboard.... anyway.. very good, I have to read more because I am going low on books and you have provided something excellent for me to read. Continue my love... just warn me so i can read it... great job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wow!! Thanks for the praise. Hope we can continue to keep you interested.
Thanks for reading
Syren
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Excellent!
Hi Brooke,
This chapter was clear and got right to the point! You had wonderful and powerful details that painted images in my mind as I read.
I really loved the names of the characters Avalon and Whetu. Where do you find your names! I can't wait to read the next chapter!
Childhood is not limited by age, but by experience and growth. I can see little experience in you and only physical growth."26
I loved that line! It is so WoW!
Nits:
These words are telling words:
suddenly
felt
sudden movement
saw
So show instead of tell and it will make work stronger.
She had been sitting makes your voice passive; instead she sat
Avalon almost felt insulted,
Once again felt is telling. What Avalon looked? Did she narrow her eyes or did she make a fist?
Whetu replied calmly,
How can you show calmly? Did she smile and walk away? Did she wave her hand?
she hadn’t noticed the small cottages that now lined the (road: solid) stone buildings that were covered with thatch with small kitchen gardens off to the side.58
road: solid change to (road. Solid)
Excellent job!
Lynn
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I have to give credit to Cory for that line you love. Not my doing. Wish it were but its not
I will look into those suggestions and get to fixing them
Thanks
Syren
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There's a lot of information condensed in the first paragraph, which may have been what you were going for, but it sort of hinders a certain kind of... I guess I have to call it prosody. Something that stood out was the description of Whetu (the whole segment of being "too perfect"), and I thought that was a neat contrast as opposed to the ruined city. And fireballs are always cool. The ending is a sharp contrast to the beginning, as well- emerging from wreckage, arriving at an inn. This seems like a good starting point for something even more fantastical.
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Hmmmmmm...I will have to look into that first paragraph and see what's going on
Thanks for stopping by and reading this.
Syren
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hmm
she starts the story with burns, but then juggles fireballs with impunity. that raises some questions.
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Hmmmm...you've got a point there. Will have to discuss this with Kitty. Thanks for pointing that out.
Syren
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Good beginning....
Interesting plot, interesting characters, a little magic here and there and an old, old Inn with a barkeep right out of Lord of the Rings....good luck!
amicus...
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Thanks for stopping by and reading. We are really getting the hang of this, writing together
Thanks again
Syren
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