“What by the Gods are you doing to me?” hissed Avalon.1
Amalia sighed as she tightened her grip on Avalon. “Please mistress, hold still.” Dark curls bobbed as Amalia struggled against Avalon’s strength.2
“Avalon, please stop struggling. Amalia is professed in the healing arts, but if you insist on fighting her, it will not help."3
Breath escaped from her clenched teeth. “Yes Whetu, I will stop fighting.” Avalon actively relaxed the muscles in her shoulders.4
Whetu also relaxed as she watched Amalia apply the salve to Avalon’s shoulder and arm. 5
Avalon sat on the edge of the over stuffed cot, a faded stitched quilt covered the squared bed frame and a rickety table stood next to the bed. The walls were unadorned and a dirty window looked out onto the sleepy town.6
Amalia sat next to Avalon, her box of medicine between her bare feet.7
“Amalia, is Derran sending food?” Whetu asked in a passive voice, near the cracked window.8
Amalia dabbed a pink concoction on the burns Avalon had sustained from earlier. “He was barking at Tatum when I started up the stairs.”9
Avalon stopped struggling as Whetu watched the street outside. The smells of roasted pig drifted in the open window and Whetu’s stomach protested against the emptiness it felt.10
“Done, mistress Whetu. Is there anything else you need from me?” Amalia said while looking at the scuffed floor.11
Whetu studied her for a moment. Dark curls swung loosely as she tried hard to look at the two strangers who were gathered in the room. Her slight form quivered as she waited patiently for her dismissal.12
“There is nothing, but please remind Derran to send up the food quickly?”13
“Yes ma’am.” Amalia curtsied as she rushed out the door.14
“Let’s discuss what it is that you can do,” Whetu said pleasantly.15
Avalon raised an eyebrow. “What’s that to mean?”16
Gently, Whetu replied, “Just what I have said. You must show me what you can do.”17
Avalon choose her words carefully. “I still do not understand what good it will do.”18
“Please just do as I say.” Whetu peacefully smile slipped a little with impatience.19
Sensing that perhaps it was better to humor the woman, Avalon opened her hand. A feeling of warmth ran along her arm and filled her palm. Already rich with air around her, the flame ignited immediately. She held the dancing light in her hand for a moment before shaping it into a globe and tossing it into the air. Before it caught anything, however, she bent her fingers slightly and pulled it back to her. It hovered in front of her for a moment before she closed her fist, which forced the globe to extinguish.20
"Impressive," Whetu said softly, watching the spot where the globe had been. "I presume there are other extents which you cannot demonstrate within flammable walls."21
"Yeah," Avalon said distantly. She once again recalled the other children in the city and although they teased and jested, she still thought of them as friends. They were the only people to see her abilities outside of a show.22
As a member of a gypsy troupe, Avalon had often performed on stage for audiences. She had been one of the primary attractions: Avalon the FireDancer. As she lowered her hand to her lap again, she thought silently that those days were over.23
"Your other capabilities shall present themselves when the time is right, child," Whetu spoke through Avalon's thoughts.24
"If you say so."25
Whetu gave only a smile, as always, and leaned back against the wall. She sat quietly for so long that Avalon grew restless and began pacing at the foot of the bed. From lowered lashes Avalon studied the enchantress closer. As before she was captivated by Whetu’s large eyes. They were a deep dark blue, bordering on black, like looking over a boat into the ocean’s depth. Thin lips, that almost always held a sly smile, sat comfortably below a slightly flat nose. Whetu’s unblemished skin glowed with an inner light that irked Avalon even more. Her brown hair, the color of chestnuts ready for harvest, was tied back in a thick braid that swung as Whetu shifted on the quilt.26
What drew Avalon’s attention, after Whetu’s eyes, were her hands. Light pink scars criss-crossed the back of them. The sleeves of Whetu’s dark purple robe covered her arms and Avalon wondered if the scars were confined to only her hands.27
“Well I’d say we have our work cut out for us.” Whetu’s dark voice startled Avalon out of her ponderings.28
Avalon was puzzled by the anger she felt at the statement and it took several seconds for her to respond. “Work? What work? What for?”29
“Do you not want to find the persons responsible for the destruction of Ragnorak City? For the death of your family?” Whetu folded her hands on her lap causing the robe’s sleeves to cover them.30
Abruptly Avalon stopped pacing. It was like she had walked into a wall or had been hit in the stomach. “What kind of question is that?” Anger blurred her vision as she heard once again the cries of the dieing and the rumbling as the buildings toppled.31
“The kind that must be asked even when the answer is apparent. Pay attention not to your emotions, child, but to your determination. You are here to help me. You were spared for a purpose, as we all are.”32
Avalon scoffed, mockingly. "And what, pray tell, is my purpose, oh wise sage?"33
Whetu's expression remained unchanged, but Avalon could feel the hint of her anger as it filled the room. Her own aggression seemed to shrink in comparison to Whetu's and she fell silent.34
In a single moment the air was free again and Whetu spoke calmly. "Your purpose is for you to know, not for me. But I tell you this in the hopes that you might find it worthwhile to aid me. This threat I cannot take on alone, nor can you, nor can our Emperor."35
"I am not too interested in saving the Empire at the moment," Avalon said with considerably less hostility than before.36
"Then consider this," Whetu replied shortly. "If you have intentions of finding the one responsible for the destruction of your city, your only chance is to come with me. Our paths have not crossed by happenchance, child, for fate does not work coincindences."37
"What, you're saying that the person who did that is the same person you're looking for?"38
"Unlikely," Whetu replied directly. "But I would gamble my life that the two are working together."39
Avalon sighed and sat on the cot, exasperated. "And just who is this person you're looking for?"40
Whetu paused a moment as she recalled the face of her adversary. "She is a sorceress who has gone by many names in her time. I knew her once as Talia, though that was an eternity ago. She is, as she has always been, obsessed with power. And with control. She seeks to control the Empire, for the Empire controls the runes of the Gods."41
"The runes?" Avalon echoed. "Now you're just spitting nonsence."42
"Far from it," Whetu replied gently. "Ever wonder how mortals came by their magics? Or how they came to exist at all?"43
"Life was a gift from the Gods," Avalon replied. "Tired of watching the always constant eternity, they crafted the world and everything in it. And ever since they have watched their creation."44
"You know only what is spoken in classrooms and on the streets," Whetu replied. "Yes essentially, that is correct. But where did magic come from?"45
"No one knows."46
"That is incorrect. The Emperor knows. I know. My people knew."47
Avalon looked at Whetu. The woman's eyes were glazed again and Avalon knew for sure this time that she was remembering the past. But again, Whetu blinked and hid her thoughts quickly.48
"The Runes of the Five Gods were gifts from the Gods, as well. Each rune holds the power of the God it represents. From these five runes, magic was born into the world. Over time, creation has learned how to use these magics in unique ways, breaking from the traditional five elements. But more importantly than simple magic, these runes hold the key to life."49
"Isn't that a bit dramatic?" Avalon said sarcasticly.50
"The Gods created life from five magics, the very same magics that they placed within these runes. If the right - or wrong - person can directly control these runes, they can use them to create life. Or destroy it."51
Avalon rolled her eyes. "I've read many books like that. Fortunately it always works out in the end."52
Whetu sighed and shook her head gently. "You have much to learn, child."53
"Alright," Avalon said harshly, "I already asked you once, stop calling me child."54
"Child is not an insult," Whetu replied before Avalon could finish. "It is endearment. Accept it as such."55
"I am not a child."56
"Maybe not," the woman said softly.57
She leaned in and gently touched Avalon's hands. "Dwell not on things past." When she spoke, her words were a different kind of soft, held a tone that seemed to travel from ages past. Whetu's voice was so soothing that Avalon found herself forgetting what had been bothering her, remembering only that the city was no longer her home.58
"Y-yes," Avalon whispered. She blinked, still mesmerized by whatever Whetu had done. She felt as if she should be angry for such manipulation, but she realized that she was grateful for it.59
"How did you do that?" she asked.60
"It is an old technique," Whetu responded. "Maybe when you are ready I can teach it to you. But, for now, just rest. We should have a warm meal shortly."61
Scarcely were the words spoken when the door was opened and Amalia walked in carrying a wooden tray atop which sat two plates of what smelled like roast pig and steamed vegetables. Setting the tray on the nightstand near Avalon, Amalia bowed politely and said, "The meal is considered a gift, from Tatum."62
"Is it now?" Whetu commented. "He must have remembered that he still owed me."63
With a gentle smile, Whetu reached into her sleeve and withdrew two glistening silver coins. Handing them to Amalia she said, "For Tatum. Call it a gift."64
"Very good, mistress." Accepting the coins, Amalia hurried back down the stairs.65
"Eat up," Whetu said to Avalon after the maid had left. "You need nourishment. And afterwards, rest."
Amalia sighed as she tightened her grip on Avalon. “Please mistress, hold still.” Dark curls bobbed as Amalia struggled against Avalon’s strength.2
“Avalon, please stop struggling. Amalia is professed in the healing arts, but if you insist on fighting her, it will not help."3
Breath escaped from her clenched teeth. “Yes Whetu, I will stop fighting.” Avalon actively relaxed the muscles in her shoulders.4
Whetu also relaxed as she watched Amalia apply the salve to Avalon’s shoulder and arm. 5
Avalon sat on the edge of the over stuffed cot, a faded stitched quilt covered the squared bed frame and a rickety table stood next to the bed. The walls were unadorned and a dirty window looked out onto the sleepy town.6
Amalia sat next to Avalon, her box of medicine between her bare feet.7
“Amalia, is Derran sending food?” Whetu asked in a passive voice, near the cracked window.8
Amalia dabbed a pink concoction on the burns Avalon had sustained from earlier. “He was barking at Tatum when I started up the stairs.”9
Avalon stopped struggling as Whetu watched the street outside. The smells of roasted pig drifted in the open window and Whetu’s stomach protested against the emptiness it felt.10
“Done, mistress Whetu. Is there anything else you need from me?” Amalia said while looking at the scuffed floor.11
Whetu studied her for a moment. Dark curls swung loosely as she tried hard to look at the two strangers who were gathered in the room. Her slight form quivered as she waited patiently for her dismissal.12
“There is nothing, but please remind Derran to send up the food quickly?”13
“Yes ma’am.” Amalia curtsied as she rushed out the door.14
“Let’s discuss what it is that you can do,” Whetu said pleasantly.15
Avalon raised an eyebrow. “What’s that to mean?”16
Gently, Whetu replied, “Just what I have said. You must show me what you can do.”17
Avalon choose her words carefully. “I still do not understand what good it will do.”18
“Please just do as I say.” Whetu peacefully smile slipped a little with impatience.19
Sensing that perhaps it was better to humor the woman, Avalon opened her hand. A feeling of warmth ran along her arm and filled her palm. Already rich with air around her, the flame ignited immediately. She held the dancing light in her hand for a moment before shaping it into a globe and tossing it into the air. Before it caught anything, however, she bent her fingers slightly and pulled it back to her. It hovered in front of her for a moment before she closed her fist, which forced the globe to extinguish.20
"Impressive," Whetu said softly, watching the spot where the globe had been. "I presume there are other extents which you cannot demonstrate within flammable walls."21
"Yeah," Avalon said distantly. She once again recalled the other children in the city and although they teased and jested, she still thought of them as friends. They were the only people to see her abilities outside of a show.22
As a member of a gypsy troupe, Avalon had often performed on stage for audiences. She had been one of the primary attractions: Avalon the FireDancer. As she lowered her hand to her lap again, she thought silently that those days were over.23
"Your other capabilities shall present themselves when the time is right, child," Whetu spoke through Avalon's thoughts.24
"If you say so."25
Whetu gave only a smile, as always, and leaned back against the wall. She sat quietly for so long that Avalon grew restless and began pacing at the foot of the bed. From lowered lashes Avalon studied the enchantress closer. As before she was captivated by Whetu’s large eyes. They were a deep dark blue, bordering on black, like looking over a boat into the ocean’s depth. Thin lips, that almost always held a sly smile, sat comfortably below a slightly flat nose. Whetu’s unblemished skin glowed with an inner light that irked Avalon even more. Her brown hair, the color of chestnuts ready for harvest, was tied back in a thick braid that swung as Whetu shifted on the quilt.26
What drew Avalon’s attention, after Whetu’s eyes, were her hands. Light pink scars criss-crossed the back of them. The sleeves of Whetu’s dark purple robe covered her arms and Avalon wondered if the scars were confined to only her hands.27
“Well I’d say we have our work cut out for us.” Whetu’s dark voice startled Avalon out of her ponderings.28
Avalon was puzzled by the anger she felt at the statement and it took several seconds for her to respond. “Work? What work? What for?”29
“Do you not want to find the persons responsible for the destruction of Ragnorak City? For the death of your family?” Whetu folded her hands on her lap causing the robe’s sleeves to cover them.30
Abruptly Avalon stopped pacing. It was like she had walked into a wall or had been hit in the stomach. “What kind of question is that?” Anger blurred her vision as she heard once again the cries of the dieing and the rumbling as the buildings toppled.31
“The kind that must be asked even when the answer is apparent. Pay attention not to your emotions, child, but to your determination. You are here to help me. You were spared for a purpose, as we all are.”32
Avalon scoffed, mockingly. "And what, pray tell, is my purpose, oh wise sage?"33
Whetu's expression remained unchanged, but Avalon could feel the hint of her anger as it filled the room. Her own aggression seemed to shrink in comparison to Whetu's and she fell silent.34
In a single moment the air was free again and Whetu spoke calmly. "Your purpose is for you to know, not for me. But I tell you this in the hopes that you might find it worthwhile to aid me. This threat I cannot take on alone, nor can you, nor can our Emperor."35
"I am not too interested in saving the Empire at the moment," Avalon said with considerably less hostility than before.36
"Then consider this," Whetu replied shortly. "If you have intentions of finding the one responsible for the destruction of your city, your only chance is to come with me. Our paths have not crossed by happenchance, child, for fate does not work coincindences."37
"What, you're saying that the person who did that is the same person you're looking for?"38
"Unlikely," Whetu replied directly. "But I would gamble my life that the two are working together."39
Avalon sighed and sat on the cot, exasperated. "And just who is this person you're looking for?"40
Whetu paused a moment as she recalled the face of her adversary. "She is a sorceress who has gone by many names in her time. I knew her once as Talia, though that was an eternity ago. She is, as she has always been, obsessed with power. And with control. She seeks to control the Empire, for the Empire controls the runes of the Gods."41
"The runes?" Avalon echoed. "Now you're just spitting nonsence."42
"Far from it," Whetu replied gently. "Ever wonder how mortals came by their magics? Or how they came to exist at all?"43
"Life was a gift from the Gods," Avalon replied. "Tired of watching the always constant eternity, they crafted the world and everything in it. And ever since they have watched their creation."44
"You know only what is spoken in classrooms and on the streets," Whetu replied. "Yes essentially, that is correct. But where did magic come from?"45
"No one knows."46
"That is incorrect. The Emperor knows. I know. My people knew."47
Avalon looked at Whetu. The woman's eyes were glazed again and Avalon knew for sure this time that she was remembering the past. But again, Whetu blinked and hid her thoughts quickly.48
"The Runes of the Five Gods were gifts from the Gods, as well. Each rune holds the power of the God it represents. From these five runes, magic was born into the world. Over time, creation has learned how to use these magics in unique ways, breaking from the traditional five elements. But more importantly than simple magic, these runes hold the key to life."49
"Isn't that a bit dramatic?" Avalon said sarcasticly.50
"The Gods created life from five magics, the very same magics that they placed within these runes. If the right - or wrong - person can directly control these runes, they can use them to create life. Or destroy it."51
Avalon rolled her eyes. "I've read many books like that. Fortunately it always works out in the end."52
Whetu sighed and shook her head gently. "You have much to learn, child."53
"Alright," Avalon said harshly, "I already asked you once, stop calling me child."54
"Child is not an insult," Whetu replied before Avalon could finish. "It is endearment. Accept it as such."55
"I am not a child."56
"Maybe not," the woman said softly.57
She leaned in and gently touched Avalon's hands. "Dwell not on things past." When she spoke, her words were a different kind of soft, held a tone that seemed to travel from ages past. Whetu's voice was so soothing that Avalon found herself forgetting what had been bothering her, remembering only that the city was no longer her home.58
"Y-yes," Avalon whispered. She blinked, still mesmerized by whatever Whetu had done. She felt as if she should be angry for such manipulation, but she realized that she was grateful for it.59
"How did you do that?" she asked.60
"It is an old technique," Whetu responded. "Maybe when you are ready I can teach it to you. But, for now, just rest. We should have a warm meal shortly."61
Scarcely were the words spoken when the door was opened and Amalia walked in carrying a wooden tray atop which sat two plates of what smelled like roast pig and steamed vegetables. Setting the tray on the nightstand near Avalon, Amalia bowed politely and said, "The meal is considered a gift, from Tatum."62
"Is it now?" Whetu commented. "He must have remembered that he still owed me."63
With a gentle smile, Whetu reached into her sleeve and withdrew two glistening silver coins. Handing them to Amalia she said, "For Tatum. Call it a gift."64
"Very good, mistress." Accepting the coins, Amalia hurried back down the stairs.65
"Eat up," Whetu said to Avalon after the maid had left. "You need nourishment. And afterwards, rest."
Author notes
Joint effort between Oblivion Kitty God and I
In a list
Please tell me what you think [Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Excellent Chapter!
Hi Brooke,
You and Oblivion Kitty did a wonderful job here! I like how the this chapter picks up after the first chapter! Well done. Your details gave this chapter rich setting that pulled me in.
Great job!
A few nits below:
swing 12 (swings to be past tense; swung)
had walked 31 (delete had its make your passive and you an active. Since walked is past tense there is no reason to have had.)
were glazed 48 (delete were its make your passive and you an active. Since glazed is past tense there is no reason to have were.)
Lynn


. Rewarded 8
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Thanks Lynn, will see what you are talking about and make the necessary changes.

Brooke
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OK, so maybe Avalon didn't destroy Ragnarok, but there's a long way to go in this story.
I think this chapter was better than the first. I agree your styles are blending seemlessly here. The prose flowed a lot easier. You still used the word "person" when speaking hypothetically about runes and the characters that Whetu is chasing. I still think that word is out of place in this fantasy story. Try changing it up a bit and see if it helps.
I won't go over spelling or grammar stuff since you'll fix that in revision--especially with two sets of eyes to see them. This does give us a fair bit of info on Avalon, but Whetu is still a mystery--which I'm sure is intended. This should make for some excellent reading...keep them coming!
Nice work, you two!

. Rewarded 8
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Thanks again for reading this. We will talk over everything you have suggested.

Brooke
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Although this is only the second chapter, your styles are blending beautifully and compliment each other.
The activity worked in perfectly with the dialogue, giving the whole scene a natural feeling. Avalon shows her youthfulness in contrast to the mature Whetu. She even draws a grin now and then.
You passed a lot of information on to your readers, in this exchange between Avalon and Whetu; and painted some very impressive descriptions, making the reader able to ‘See’ the characters, the place and the action
.
The story is building nicely and I’m certain will attract both Science Fiction and Fantasy enthusiasts.
Although this is only the second chapter, your styles are blending beautifully and compliment each other.
I picked out a few things to look at:
“Avalon, please stop struggling. Amalia is professed in the healing arts, but if you insist on fighting her, it will not help. (“
Dark curls swing as she tired (tries) hard to look a (at) the two strangers who were gathered in the room.
“Let’s discuss what it is that you can do.(,)” Whetu said pleasantly.15
It hovered in front of her for a moment before she closed her fist (,) which forced the globe to extinguish.20
Thin lips, that almost always held a sly smile, sat comfortably below (a) slightly flat nose.
I (It) was like she had walked into a wall or had been hit in the stomach.
Anger blurred her vision as she heard once again the cries of the dieing and the rumbled (rumbles) as the buildings toppled.31
"And what, praytell, (pray tell) is my purpose, oh wise sage?"33
Whetu's expression remained unchanged, but Avalon could feel the hint of (the or her) anger as it filled the room.
Whetu paused a moment as she recalled the face of her advesary. (adversary)"
"You need nurishment. (nourishment) And afterwards, rest."
JMHO but I wouldn't use yeah. It sound too modern.
Geri


. Rewarded 8
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Thanks Geri. Went through and fixed those.

Brooke
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You've an interesting story line developing here.
Both girls have magics of their own and seem to have a common overall purpose to work towards. Avalon's gift seems to do with fire. We've seen but traces of Whetu's but I'm sure there is much more.
You gave a brief background on Avalon. I'd like to find out more about Whetu. Where she came from, what she can do. She remains a mystery so far.
You've set up an interesting beginning that could go in many different directions. I'm curious to see where you take it from here.
Ok, so things I saw:
12- Dark curls swing as she tired hard to look a the two strangers...
tired - tried, look a - look at, swing - swung (loosely)?
13- There is nothing, but... - ...nothing more, but...?
26- ...sat comfortably below 'a' slightly flat nose.
31- I was like she.. - It was like she..
...and the rumbled as the buildings toppled. rumbled - rumbling
35- ..take 'on' alone
45- 'but' begins two sentences in a row. Maybe reword as "Yes essentially that is correct, but where did the magic come from?"
49- But more importantly that magic, ... that - than
Aside from that, I thought this was a very interesting chapter giving just enough information to get the curiousity going.
I look forward to seeing where the story goes from here.
You and Cory seem to be working good together.
Greg


. Rewarded 8
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Thanks hon. We are doing are best. Can you believe those little mistakes?

Thanks again
Brooke
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CONTINUING WELL
Hello again Brooke: I read this. It's well written and proceeding smoothly. Carry on!

Anaya

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Thanks Anaya
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...more background and history...
...good...tary a while over the scent of roasting pig on an open fire, tis an aroma that whets the appetite like no other...
You have a nice feel for destiny and fate and the coming together of people with a predetermined purpose, in the Modesitt and several other fantasy writer's style (names escape me, my son red them a lot)
I like your two main characters thus far, wise older woman impetuous young girl and a whole world of hurt comin down on everyone. Almost regret this is a collaboration, but never tried that myself, hope it works for you...
regards....amicus...
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks for your kind words. Oblivion Kitty God is great at the background stuff. I just come up with the descriptions. No not really (about me), but he's great.

Thanks for reading
Syren
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Another great chapter, will definitly have to read one.


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Thanks for stopping by and reading. I am enjoying writing with Oblivion.
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