Lost Souls (Chapter 1)

1997
If I was to give you a reason for everything it wouldn’t make sense.  Reason seems to be fleeting and illusory. I did stuff and some of it I’m proud of and some of it - I don’t know - maybe I’m not so proud of. If I was to pin point where it all started I guess it would’ve been when I was twelve, but if you were a scientist or something similar you could trace it all the way back to my DNA, my genetic make up, the wiring of my brain, you could probably even go further - like to the start of time.
I never thought I was made properly, I mean, I was just not able to exist in this world - this system. I was born like the majority of people in a hospital and I like the great majority of people was raised by two loving parents, and like a growing number of my generation I grew up witnessing the demise of my family. My dad left due to… boredom I guess, and like most children of a broken family my mother compensated for the loss of my father by smothering me with love, but love in a visceral sense, namely money and objects. I, like most of my friends had pretty much everything I wanted and for some reason we just kept wanting. We never found happiness in our splendour - not that we tried - we just kept pushing for more toys, more money, more gadgets, more everything. 1

ALEC
I, as I normally did sat on the grass under a Pohutakawa tree that I had come to claim as mine, and even though I was only in fourth form everyone knew that this was my spot. I sat there smoking a Marlboro watching as the rest of the school went about their lunch, Oliver was playing soccer a hundred yards away from me and Clayton who never played sports joined in as Steven - the most hated guy in our year - hogged the ball and knocked over as many people as he could to take shots from ridiculous angles. Steven Price or “Uneven Steven” - as he was called on numerous occasions without him knowing - and I used to be friends, until we were streamed and I was put in the smart class, whilst he was put in the below average class that consisted of Bronson, Nathaniel, Leaf and Isaac - who most of us thought was a product of incest. I inhaled my cigarette watching Steven’s awkward, heavy running style with man breasts swaying from side to side and I wondered how a fat guy like him could move so fast.
'I still can’t believe you used to be friends,' Chris says whilst rolling a cigarette.
'Yeah, well, he used to be a lot less…' I trail off as Chris motions for me to pass over my lighter and I forget the exact word I was going to say, I was thinking of “grandiose” or, “conceited” but as Chris lights his cigarette I say, 'annoying.' Chris changes the subject to ditching and shows me a large bag of pot that he had stolen from his dad’s room.
'I’m ditching history and English, then coming back for my mum to pick me up, you keen?' I look at the bag of pot and even though I enjoyed my double science Wednesday, the offer was irresistible. I look at my faux Gucci watch that my Stepfather had brought from Indonesia a year ago and figure we have twenty minutes before we need to escape through the warehouse exit. Chris stands up and goes to find his best friend Scarlet, who was at the other end of the bank talking to Michael Schnuka - who I can’t stand, because he can’t stand me. I finish my cigarette, stubbing it into the tree, and then throw it into the bushes whilst checking my cell phone for any text messages.
'Are you going for a smoke?' I hear from behind me and I turn around to see a tall, white or pink-skinned guy with a chain hanging around his shorts and the words Metallica written in ballpoint pen on his left hand. I look around for Chris and wonder how many people are being invited for a smoke then look at the guy closer and notice his nicotine stained fingers, flaky skin and dry, wild hair - that he obviously cut himself - and say, 'yeah.'
'Dude, can I come?' I see Chris walking towards me with people trying to stop him and get in on the session but he just keeps walking past saying, 'no, there’s not enough.' I look at the tall, dirty and somewhat desperate kid in front of me and say, 'dude, I don’t even know your name.'
'Alec, my names Alec, get me stoned and I’ll give you a pack of cigarettes.' Chris arrives and tries to get me to leave without letting Alec know what’s going on, but Alec knew and he wasn’t letting us go without him, so I say, 'Alec’s going to ditch with us,' and Chris’ face changes from being excited to slightly annoyed but I say, 'don’t worry, he’s cool, he’s with me.' Chris shrugs his shoulders and then says, 'cool, lets go,' and so we go, walking across the sports field through the middle of the soccer game to the disdain of the ten or so kids playing, then across the abandoned field - which was too wet and muddy to play on - with some of the seniors and even a prefect watching as we headed to the secret exit that only a few people knew about. Then we move across the pipe-cum-bridge that allowed us cross over the dirty creek water, which was polluted with the wastewater of the three plastic factories that blocked the traffic noise from St Lukes Road, and also barricaded most of the school in. We balance and walk slowly across the pipe fearful of the mud that had caked in our leather school shoes and then we walk behind some trees heading up a trail that leads into a small clearing where we had smoked pot and snorted pseudo-ephedrine sporadically for almost a year, then we are free.
Chris opens his bag and starts tearing up a bud into small pieces in preparation for rolling while I light four cigarettes and hand Chris, Scarlet and Alec one, as we get prepared. Alec opens up his bag and pulls out a roach clip, a high times magazine and a packet of smokes, which he hands to me. Chris looks at me and then to Scarlet who’s breaking branches off trees - as he always does - and then Chris says, 'dude, where did you come from,' to Alec who has a smile on his face as he says, 'I just started today,' and I look at Chris and say, 'he’s cool man, don’t worry,' as I hand Chris the pack of cigarettes then say, 'he even chipped in.' Chris finishes rolling the joint and then lights it taking huge puffs then after two or three hits he hands it to Scarlet who does the same, and then its handed to me, I take two hits, then noticing the joint is almost gone I quickly hand it to Alec who smokes the rest of it in one large, long drag that makes Chris annoyed as he watches his hard stolen weed disappear, normally this would be cause for a fight, but I vouched for Alec and so nothing is said, but you can feel the anger in Chris and Scarlet as Alec returns the roach saying, 'I got nothing off that, its fucking children‘s weed,' and I start laughing as the pot has just started to work on me. Alec opens up his high times magazine and starts ogling a photo of a large crystallized bud the size of your head then says, 'man, if I had buds like that,' as he shows everyone else. I pay no real attention as pot makes me very quiet and talking becomes too much of a task. Chris shows Scarlet the photo and the two of them start looking through the magazine giggling, laughing and gasping every ten seconds or so. I lie down and watch the wind blowing through the trees thinking of home, thinking of my bed, my video player, my TV, my collection of strange French movies that I rented out from work, but most of all I think of how bored I am.
'Are those guys gay or something?' Alec asks and I laugh then say, 'I don’t know, maybe,' then Alec says, 'did you even get anything off that smoke,' and I think about it for a minute then say, 'not really.' I look towards Chris and Scarlet who are obviously stoned and remember how Chris gets generous when he’s stoned then say, 'Chris, should we have another burn man,' and he looks at me and says, 'yeah, you roll it though man, I’m gone.' I walk over and grab the bag and start preparing for rolling then Scarlet comes over and says, 'dude, that’s too much,' and I laugh at him as I say, 'trust me,' then I roll and lick the sticky side and admire my joint which is perfect - even if I do say so myself. I light it and take a couple of drags then hand it to Alec who does the same except his drag lasts at least twenty seconds, then he hands it to Chris who has completely forgotten that I rolled another joint and he has a moment of paranoia as he looks at the smiling face of Alec.
'Lou, you’re not taxing me are you?' I shake my head and grab a cigarette.
'No, man, I wouldn’t do that,' and then I look towards Scarlet who I’m pretty sure stole at least a foil off me last time I bought an ounce, which was like, six months ago. Chris starts inhaling and I look at my watch and wonder why I’m hanging around with Chris and Scarlet who seem to be inseparable these days. I stand up and start throwing all my stuff in my bag thinking how lame it would be to hang around here for another hour trying to talk to Chris and Scarlet.
'Are you going?' Chris says as I wipe the grass and wood slivers off my pants.
'Yeah, I just remembered I’ve got to go shopping.'
'What?'
'Yeah, I’ve got to go shopping for new clothes.' Alec looks at me and then says, 'which way you going?' I point in the direction of the mall even though I have no intention of going and Alec says, 'cool, I’ll come with,' and we say, 'later,' almost in unison as we start walking out of the bush. We get to the chain link fence which was cut open by Jacob - who would normally be here with us, but he broke his arm at a party on the weekend - and we slip through the gap and then walk behind a factory for fifty metres and then out onto the street without saying a word. I get to my bus stop and say, 'I’m not actually going shopping, I just needed an excuse to leave.'
'I don’t care, I wanted to get out of there too, are you even stoned?'
'A little bit, you?'
'A little bit.' We stand at the bus shelter and watch as cars hiss past us beeping their horns because we’re in uniform and school isn’t out for another hour. Alec lights a cigarette from his pack, and offers me one and we both light up and say nothing until my bus arrives. I get on and pay my fare then realize Alec is still with me and I turn around and say, 'where are you going dude.' He jumps on the bus and says, 'Grey Lynn shops,' to the bus driver and I say, 'oh that’s where I’m going,' then I walk towards the back of the bus and sit down with Alec following closely behind me. I sit down then start to get a little paranoid about him following me and so I say, 'do you live in Grey Lynn?'
'Yeah, well, for awhile at least.'
'What street do you live on?'
'Elgin.' I look at him and think, "weird," as it’s the exact same street that I live on.
'No way, what number?'
'210, I just moved there like… three days ago.'
'Oh, cool, I’m at the other end, number 4.'
'No shit?' The bus starts moving after ten other people catching the bus sit down, the bus jolts forward with a big thrust, which makes me fly into the seat in front of me, and Alec laughs as he sees me staring angrily at the driver.
'Dude, you ok?' I rub my chest a little and then say, 'yeah, I’m cool, so how come you’re like…'
'Here?'
'Yeah, how come you’re at Mount Albert Grammar, I haven’t seen you around.' Alec sighs then says, 'long story, but I was expelled from my last school,' I look at Alec and survey his face to see if he was lying, but also because I wanted to see if there was any physical clue that would tell me he was actually expelled. I’d never spoken to someone who had been expelled before, sure I’ve had some friends who have been threatened with suspension but I’ve never actually met anyone who’s actually been expelled, and so the fact that I was, made me feel dangerous.
'You were expelled, what did you do?' Alec turns away from me and looks out the window then says, 'I got caught.'
'What? Caught doing what? Drugs, cheating, ditching?'
'All of the above.' Alec keeps staring out the window and as I look at his pink flaky skin, his curly hair which looked like it was put there by accident and his labret piercing which I hadn’t even noticed before, I wondered what happened to him, I wondered what had made him so dirty and stale looking, but most of all I wondered what made him not care.2

After about ten minutes, the bus arrives at my stop and I get off with Alec doing the same, we speak no more of his expulsion, and Alec talks only of being bored, and at that moment, I realized we were going to be the best of friends. We walk along Williamson Ave until we get to Elgin Street and I turn towards Alec and say, 'I’m that way,' pointing right and up the hill and Alec points left then says, 'that way,' as he starts to cross the road. I say, 'see you tomorrow I guess,' and he turns around and says, 'maybe,' then he walks across the road and I start walking homewards thinking about chocolate and coffee.3

After watching Breathless by Jean-Luc Goddard and eating three Twix, I had a knock on my door. I check my eyes in the mirror just in case it’s my mum and then after using some Visine I open the door to find Alec standing in front of me.
'Do you have any coffee?'
'What?'
'Do you have any coffee?'
'Well, yeah, but… wait, how did…' I trail off as Alec walks past me and heads down the long hallway into the kitchen. I shut the door and follow him into the kitchen to find him boiling the jug.
'You having a coffee?' I stand with the door behind me and lean against it then say, 'sure,' as I watch him dart around the kitchen and I wonder where he learnt his manners.
'Where do you keep your coffee?'
'Oh, it’s um, in the freezer, in a can.' He quickly opens the freezer and finds the coffee then pours about five tablespoons of coffee grounds into the plunger.
'So, Alec, um, what’s going on man?'
'I haven’t figured out how to unlock the refrigerator yet?'
'Huh?'
'I’ll tell you over a coffee and a smoke, where do you keep your sugar?' I take a moment to think as normally the sugar is in plain view, but I don’t have to say anything as Alec finds it and puts sugar in his cup.
'You take sugar?'
'Yeah, two.'
'Cool.' The jug boils away and steam rises filling the low ceiling of the kitchen, I realize I’m still in uniform and so I go and change into some loose jeans and a sweater whilst Alec bangs around in the kitchen finding milk and eating cheese and other things in the fridge. By the time I change and grab my cigarettes Alec has finished making coffee and when I appear from my room he is sitting outside on the deck my stepfather and I built last summer. I join him outside and he says, 'you have a nice place here,' and I say, 'It’s not mine, but whatever,' as I light my smoke and grab my coffee. Alec pulls out a foil and starts rolling a spliff saying, 'dude, you ever tried getting weed in this town?' I look at Alec thinking, "of course,” when the actual answer is, “no,” and he says, 'It’s ridiculous man, honestly. You should come with me to Roskill tomorrow,' I shrug my shoulders then take a sip of my coffee and have to hide my face of disgust, as I taste the strongest coffee ever conceived.
'You’ve got to be careful with the shops that use fly spray but I got a guy that’s pretty sweet.' Alec lights the joint and then passes it to me and after I take two drags, I realize the stupidity of smoking pot when my mum could be coming home at any second but as I hand it back to Alec, I stop caring.
'So you wanna come man.' I start to feel the pot working and my throat closes up making me cough a little and then I say, 'can’t dude, have to work,' as I feel my mouth almost completely close up.
'Bummer.' There is relative quiet as the pot makes Alec quiet and we do nothing but sit on the deck watching the sunset and drinking coffee that is far too strong, smoking Marlboros that make the mouth even dryer talking of how stoned we are. 4

The next day I met Alec at the bus stop to go to school, it was going to be an annoying day; it began with Physical Education and Maths, then it would be Business and Music finished off with History and Social Studies - but Alec had a plan. We left the bus stop and went to his house, which was an eye opening experience. We walked in and the first thing I noticed was the large holes in the walls - apparently they were put there just recently when Jarrod was evicted.
'Jarrod was a cool dude man, he moved just down the road actually, we should rock up.'
'Yeah, I guess…' as we walk down the hallway towards the lounge at the back of the house, I feel dirty, and unsafe. The padlocks and deadbolts on doors make me wonder just what there is to protect. We get to the lounge and sit down in an old dusty, dirty, mould-ridden couch and Alec starts chopping up weed with a pair of small scissors.
'So, this is your dad’s place?' Alec laughs and almost drops the pot but then he steadies himself and says, 'nah man, this is my guardian’s house.'
'Guardian?'
'Yeah,' he starts rolling a joint and I stay quiet as I take in the rest of the interior of the house looking at three broken televisions and a collection of various things broken - and unbroken - chained to the wall.
'You got a lighter?' I reach into my pocket, hand it over, and then ask, 'can we watch some TV,' and Alec grins and says, 'not on any of these ones.'
'Oh.' I twiddle my thumbs and try not to give off the impression that I’m uncomfortable with seeing so much squalor, but it doesn’t work and Alec mistakes my nervousness for paranoia and then says, 'don’t worry man, Terry won’t be back til 8.'
'Oh, cool… who’s Terry?'
'My Guardian.'
'Oh.' I stand up and walk around the house while Alec continues rolling and I walk into the kitchen to see two fridges - both with chains and padlocks on them - an oven with various stains and marks on it and cupboards and drawers all with locks on some sort on them. I wiggle the chain on the fridge and open the door half an inch and then Alec comes in and says, 'oh, I figured it out man, check it out,' Alec disappears and then returns with a small screwdriver, a hammer and a pair of pliers. He bangs the screwdriver into the top of the fridge where the hinge sits and then he starts unscrewing it, he passes me the screw and then grabs the pliers and lifts the safety cap off, then he slides the door up and says, 'check it out.' I struggle to find the words to congratulate him and so I say, 'cool,' and then he tells me to grab the milk and coffee, which I do after he takes the whole door completely off. I place the coffee and Milk on the counter and then Alec disappears again and returns with two mugs.
'Should I make the coffee or you?' I look around confused and then say, 'I don’t know where everything is.'
'Ok, I’ll make the coffee, you smoke this,' he hands me a joint and I walk back into the lounge to find my lighter and then Alec yells out, 'don’t worry about smoking inside,' and so I light it in the lounge then walk back towards Alec to hand it back to him but when I walk in, I find him smoking one already. I smoke the joint like I would smoke a cigarette and after about three or four deep drags I’m already feeling buzzed, Alec drums on the oven with a teaspoon and then pours hot water into the cups saying, 'you feeling it yet?'
'Totally,' I say as I inhale again and then forget where I am, forgetting the eerie haunted contours of the house, forgetting the strange ticks and tocks, forgetting the groans of floorboards, forgetting the many cracks and perforations surrounding the interior of this dump that Alec lives in, and instead I feel at home, I feel free - at least for a minute or so - then I feel catatonic as Alec says something, which I can’t hear, all I can hear is a noise inside my head saying, 'this isn’t natural.' I say nothing for half an hour, I just stare at the walls and lie on the couch feeling exhausted but feeling too awake to sleep. My stomach twitches and my eyes twitch and jerk in all directions as Alec says, 'dude, you’re stoned,' and a wave of true paranoia hits me as the shapes of the holes in the walls start to resemble objects and symbols, and I start to wonder just what I had gotten myself into as Alec says, 'dude are you feeling ok?' I shrug my shoulders in a non-committal kind of way and then Alec says, 'man, I’m totally baked, you?'
'Aha,' is the only words that I can muster and it seems to take forever for me to say them. I’ve been smoking weed for a year now and I have never been this high, I start wondering if you can overdose on weed and I imagine myself dieing here in this shit-hole and then Alec remembers we left our coffees in the kitchen.
'Be back soon,' I nod my head and feel like I’ve just run a marathon, my eyes stay completely open but my body feels absolutely dead, I feel my pulse and its racing, I feel incredibly hot, my mouth dry as hell - although that’s normal - and I hear static and test tones in my head.
'Dude, drink the coffee, that’ll get us back to normal,' my body seems to go on auto-pilot and grab the coffee then I manage to skull half of it without realizing I was drinking it, and suddenly my throat feels better - less mucus like - and I can actually breathe. Alec disappears again and puts on some Marilyn Manson, which soothes me as I sing along to 'Beautiful People' and the paranoia, the eye twitching, the aches and pains and the high blood pressure are gone.
'Lou!' Alec yells out from his room and I jump off the couch then walk towards his room then I am amazed by the amount of drug paraphernalia in his room. There is a three different bongs all in varying states: one is made with a Absolute vodka bottle, another is made with a Jim Beam and one - obviously home made - bong made with a plastic Coke bottle and the paraphernalia doesn’t stop there, there is blackened knives and spoons on top of his stereo, two pipes: one wooden, one steel, various tins, which obviously have weed in them - or had weed in them - roach clips, small resined scissors, a glass bottle of Sambucca which has had its bottom melted or broken off and finally, various pieces of tin foil lying on almost every surface.
'Dude, check this track out,' Alec puts Anti-Christ Superstar on and starts singing along as I continue to survey his room, noticing posters of - you guessed it - weed, from a High Times magazine, posters of playboy centrefolds, posters of Metallica and Marilyn Manson, clippings from magazines of Kurt Cobain, Primus, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Tool, Shirley Manson, Courtney Love, Cameron Diaz, Gillian Anderson, yet another picture of a cannabis leaf and all I can think about is how boring my room must look in comparison to this - especially since the only poster I have is of Oasis. I sit on Alec’s bed and watch as he darts around his room moving things, throwing clothes into a pile in the corner, picking up ashtrays and emptying them into his bin.
'Like my room?'
'Sure, it’s… cosy.'
'Dude, we should go see Jarrod.'
'Yeah, ok, just let me… um-'
'You’re going to need to change.'
'Sober-'
'You look stupid in your uniform.'
'Oh, yeah, I’ll just go home.'
'Cool, we can have another coffee at your place, do you have any food there?' I nod my head thinking, “of course,” then Alec lights a cigarette and says, 'Lou, you ready?' and I light a cigarette and start walking out the door with him trailing closely behind me. We get outside and I look up towards my house groaning as I see myself walking up the very long hill in my heavy shoes and heavy bag. We smoke whilst we walk up the hill, occasionally I clutch my legs as they harden and become sore and on more than one occasion I have to stop from being out of breath. We finally get to my house after fifteen minutes and I’m relieved to see no one is home but also relieved to see familiar territory, a place where I know where everything is, a place where my bones can rest in comfort, but we don’t stay very long, in fact by the time I finish changing and eating a chocolate bar we’re out on the streets again travelling south towards Jarrod’s house which is apparently only three or four blocks away.
'Lou, do you have any money?'
'Yeah.'
'Cool, lets get some chocolate.' We decide to take a detour to a convenience store and pick up some chocolate, I spend about ten dollars on various chocolate bars and other snack foods that all went into Alec’s bag.5

'Hey man, I’m Jarrod.'
'Lou.' Alec darted around the house looking for things whilst Jarrod and I argued over which Metallica album was better. Alec came back with a bucket and a raft of other implements. Jarrod was a cool guy, certainly not what expected from the holes left by his fists in Alec’s walls. He was polite, well groomed - in a punk band kind of way - and was obviously four or five years older than us. I asked him how he knew Alec and he said, 'I don’t, I only met him yesterday.' Alec busied himself filling up a bucket of water and then said, 'Jarrod, you’re up bro.' Alec started burning a small amount of pot in a large cut off coke bottle that had a small cone burnt into the lid. As he burnt the pot he pulled the bottle upwards making it fill with smoke, then he removed the lid and Jarrod took over, inhaling the smoke whilst pushing the bottle down, forcing the smoke upwards and into his lungs. Jarrod coughed for about thirty seconds as Alec prepared another bottle for him saying, 'you feel anything yet?' then smiling as Jarrod nodded his head. Alec finished filling the bottle up and then motioned for Jarrod to take another hit, Jarrod waved it away though and so it was my turn. I inhaled the smoke slowly trying not inhale it all at once, but Alec pushed the bottle down and I got the whole bottle of smoke in one second, I coughed for what seemed like twenty minutes but was only minutes as Alec prepared his hit and then inhaled the smoke. All of us felt stoned, none of us spoke to each other for half an hour, we all seemed to become mush and melt into the fabric of the house. Jarrod reclined on his bed and looked for the most part sleep, Alec found a chair and seemed fine, I couldn’t move and so I ended up lying on my back staring at the ceiling. After half an hour of staring at the ceiling I began to feel paranoid, the noises of the house and the noises of cars rushing past with the soft playing of the Nirvana Unplugged album became one wall of sound, almost tactile, almost like a physical presence that could be seen or felt.
'Man, I’m really stoned.' Alec laughed and said, 'same,' Jarrod didn’t move, and for a second I became worried that he was dead.
'Is he ok?'6

'Yeah, I’m good.' Alec grabs a chocolate bar and throws one to Jarrod.
'Much obliged.' I grab a snickers and finish it in the space of a minute, then eat a bounty. The buzz of the weed is gone now and I feel somewhere near normal, except my body is exhausted.
'Lets go to the park,' Alec says and I think, “why,” but then start moving anyway.
'Later,' Is all that Jarrod says as he rolls over. Things start to become a bit of a blur now as we walk from Jarrod’s to the park, then to another friend of Alec’s, then back to his house, then back to the park and then finally at around 6pm Alec decides to go home for dinner. He leaves looking like a rag doll that had been ripped apart by pit bull, his hair pointing in all directions, his clothes covered in various chocolate and ash stains. I sit in the park watching the sun go down thinking about how much I didn’t know about my town, the people and the things I had seen all on this one day made me realise how isolated I was from the world around me. I had lived in my house for five years now, I thought I knew everyone and knew everything that was going on, but I didn’t - I didn’t even know half of what was going on. Everything changed now: the park that I had played soccer, basketball, rugby and cricket after school and weekends had become a lot less innocent; the gang of basketball players that Steven and I would always avoid no longer looked like territorial basketball players, they now looked like what they were - dealers - the old lady who sat on a park bench no longer looked like someone simply reading, she now looked like a derelict, the group of students sitting up on a hill pretending to read now looked like a group of stoners. The world that I had thought of as boring and plain started becoming colourful, the black and white good versus evil trip my biological dad had spent years trying to instil in me was becoming greyer, the difference between right and wrong was disappearing and probably more importantly, I was appearing.7