SATIRE: climbing trees

April 2, 20081

If you have ever been to Horace Greeley during the springtime, you will know that the climbing of school trees is not allowed. Any attempt to do so will be greeted by a concerned teacher or principal, kindly reminding us that our trees are old and diseased, and will crumble into dust the moment we touch them. During my time at Greeley, I’ve heard so many complaints about this “look but don’t touch” policy. Students always ask why we have the trees, if we can’t even climb them? Why should nature be off-limits? Isn’t it here for us to enjoy?2

Such questions are born of ignorant tree-hugger, hippie ideology, a shameful disrespect of authority, and the apparent inability to follow the institution blindly. It turns out that there are many good reasons why the trees should not be climbed. Sadly, most students have never heard them, and some even doubt that they exist! But of course, they do. Why on earth would the administration ever do something for no good reason? The rule against climbing trees is just as vital as our upcoming schedule change, and we all know how necessary that is!3

One of the major reasons for this rule is, of course, the safety of the students from injury, and the safety of the school from being sued. Because every parent who’s child falls four feet out of a tree will undoubtedly sue for an unholy amount of money. And a poorly funded school like Greeley could never afford anything of the sort.4

But there is also another reason. The trees on our campus are ancient (almost fifty years old!), and therefore very fragile. And since students at Greeley weigh so much more than other students across America, there is just no possible way one of our trees could hold any one of us without collapsing. It’s just too much to ask of any tree as old as they are to hold the weight of a teenager.5

I suggest we find other things to climb instead. As I’ve said before, trees are way to fragile, but school buildings are much more sturdy, and far less dangerous. Not only this, but they are much taller than trees, and you will get more attention for climbing them. And, this way, should you happen to fall twenty feet onto the pavement and smash your skull, nobody’s parents will be at all upset. And therefore, nobody at Greeley will have to take any responsibility whatsoever!6

So I ask my fellow students: please take all of this into consideration! With some luck and care, we will be able to preserve these trees for the generations to come, none of whom will be able to climb trees. They will also be preserving them for the generations to come. And none of them will be able to climb trees either. But don’t worry. At some point down the line, our trees will start getting younger instead of older, and I’m sure that that generation will be able to climb them!7