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It was a hot summer day, Labor Day of 1976 to be exact. I was 13 years old at the time. I grew up in a neighborhood in Charlotte, N.C. called Westchester. We had a fairly large Optimist Club which I was a big part of, as most of the kids in my neighborhood were. We had a swimming pool that we all hung out at everyday during the summer months and today was the last day it would be open until next year. There was always a big party at the pool on Labor Day to say good-bye to the fun we had over the summer. My friend Jay was there earlier in the day. He joined in with all of the rest of us playing in the water and just hanging out. At lunch time, several went home for awhile to eat and then came back later on. I went home too for awhile. I decided to go back but wanted to walk to my friend Debra's house on the way so she and I could walk together. In doing this, I knew I could take a shortcut by walking through Jay's backyard, crossing the creek behind his house and jump a few fences, etc. so that's what I intended to do. As I got to Jay's house, he must have seen me coming because he opened his front door and stood there, one foot still inside and one on the porch, holding the door open and smiling at me as I approached his yard. At first, I just thought this was a quick "hello" and since we were friends, that was not unusual yet the conversation went on and on. I don't remember the conversation we had but I do remember thinking to myself "Is he flirting with me?". After all, he wasn't letting me leave very easily and it was obvious he was intentionally keeping the conversation going. I had already said to him several times, "I guess I better go, Debra's waiting for me" and yet he kept talking. It was kind of strange the way he was acting and of course, me being 13 and boys being my life, I just KNEW he was flirting with me. Eventually I convinced him I had to go. I'll never forget what he said as I was leaving, "I'm going to go cook some french fries". That sentence played a significant roll in my life and you will soon see why. I left Jay in his doorway, gave him one of those "girly" smiles and a wave and wandered off through his backyard, over the creek, jumped a few fences and made my way to Debra's house. She and I walked from there to the neighborhood swimming pool. 4
5The sun started to go down and still Jay had not shown back up. I wasn't worried about him but did notice that he didn't come back and had even thought a few times that I would go call him and see why he had not come back. I didn't call though, I was too busy having fun and forgot. 6
7The night finally came to an end, the pool closed shortly after the fireworks display and I went home. It's funny that I don't remember how I got home, I just remember being there when I heard the sirens and quickly after that saw the firetrucks and ambulances racing down my street and turning down the road I walked everyday when I was going to cut through Jay's backyard to take a shortcut to Debra's...and still it never occurred to me where those emergency vehicles were going. 8
9My father, who was a fire chief in Charlotte was home that night. His curiosity was getting the best of him and he put me and my brother in the car so we could go see what was going on. I'll never forget those flashing lights. I can still remember each and every one. I even remember the paramedic who told me that my friend Jay was found in his basement hanging from the rafters by a belt...french fries burning on the stove and it was in that moment that I knew that he had not been flirting with me but was asking for me to stay there, to save him from what he wanted to do. I didn't though, I walked away and left him to make a decision that would take him from me and change me forever. 10
11As an adult, I know that it was not my fault. As a child, I suffered for a long time and felt responsible. I am 41 years old now. That was 28 years ago and even though I understand I was not responsible, I still wonder what I could have done to prevent it. For anyone who is thinking about committing suicide, please understand that even though you are hurting, the devastation you leave behind will last forever. There is help available. Please ask for it. No one wants to lose you. 12
With love always, to my dear friend Jay, I'm sorry.13
Robin
Author notes
An explanation about the french fries...well, the last thing he said to me was that he was going to go cook some. When they found him dead, french fries were burning on the stove. The reason this stuck with me is because it indicated to me that he killed himself shortly after I left. I hope this explains it a little for you.
Suicide Hotline
www.suicidehotlines.com/
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 87 of 87
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i like this alot very nice story great job thank you for entering my contest thank you
~Kayce~ -
Hi Lyrical soul, I read your story and even went to your auther page. I'm very sorry you have had to carry that for so many years, and what happened to your friend. I just recently lost my 18 yr old boy to suicide. I think not knowing why hurts the most, because it throws up that; WHAT IF I comment. That was a very good story about your friend Jay, and I am sure he smiles down on you everytime someone reads this. God bless you and your friend Jay. Getsbetter of NC
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This is so touching and I don't think i will ever forget Jay's or your story...
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thank you eternaltears. It was many years ago, 29 I think. I still visit his grave once in awhile and think about him every Labor Day...and then some.
Edited on Nov 11, 6:38 p.m. because ''. -
omg......I'm so sorry...i don't know what else to say...i cried at the end when you said that he was found hanging from a rafter by his belt...i sitll am and i don't know how long it will take till i can stop...i am so sorry for you...Rest in Peace Jay...
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Thanks Wanda. The reason I wrote this was for those who are thinking of doing this so they will see that if they do this, the rest of us suffer from that point on. I'll never forget Jay. He had the wildest, wirey, poofy hair of any kid I'd ever seen...and the sweestest softest eyes. I still visit his grave from time to time. Thanks for the big hugs Wanda.
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I'm so sorry you went through this, my Friend...I know you know it wasn't your fault...but I'm telling you right now, It wasn't your fault, Robin... If someone is intent on doing themselves harm, they will find a way...If you sit on them 24/7, they'll wait until you blink...You know this... But yes, I understand...I was the last one to talk to my mom before her attempt & the last to talk to my sister before she 'succeeded'...It will always haunt me...what could I have done??? Nothing...but I would have done anything...which is why they never said a word... Wanda
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omg
omg
im sooooooo sorry
thats so sad
i love thie write thou
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Thank you ParisGirl132. I'm glad you were able to get something from this. It happened many years ago. This was hard to write, and is in need of some editing (which I am not able to do just yet-emotionally) but it was worth it to get this message out. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I know it's a long story so I really appreciate it.
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....but i cant....
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I'd like to applaude it twice.
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Thank you kc41. I appreciate your words and wish you all the happiness in the world.
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heartfelt and wonderfully written
I think the way you placed the french fries significance into the story was wonderful. However, I am extremely sorry for what happened to you. I am glad you shared the story with all of us. It will definetly help people to stay strong. If I had read that about a year ago, I know it would have helped me. You seem like a very strong person. Be proud of yourself. You have dealt with this in a way none of us could, I think. I'm glad I read this. Stay the way you've always been. Thanks for sharing! -
Great story, very well-told. As one who has struggled with thoughts of suicide, I can say that it is easy to pretend to ask for help without actually doing it. I think that is what Jay did, and if he had given you any indication that he needed help you obviously would have.
I am glad you have come to terms where you do not feel responsible anymore, and I think your ability to put it into words as you have shows that you can deal with it positively today. Thanks for sharing. -
Thank you LilEmoKid002. I am glad you got help. We all need that sometimes. The strong ones get the help they need, the rest give up. Bless you for being one of the strong ones.
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omg that is such a sad story. i'm so sorry. i went through depression and i got help so yeah ppl should go get help.
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Oh many story’s to relay here in reflection, I must have wrote endless books in thoughts reflected over the time and years.
You’re not alone my friend. I just wish I had an answer that would work like an eraser, sincerely. -
Wonderful Message
Im sorry you had to go throught this. I have contemplated suicide a number of times, but i have found a better way to deal with it now. Your story has a wonderful message to it, and i hope that you reach many people with it.
God bless!
~raynie~ -
I'm sorry you had to experience this as well Leo. My goodness...if they only understood the devastation they leave behind, perhaps they would not do this. That is what I'm hoping to show everyone. 28 years later, I still grieve on some level and still tear up at the thought of that day
I'm sorry for your loss Leo.
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Sadly, I know this feeling all too well. A good friend of mine ended his life a couple of months ago. The questions..... why? and what could I have done to prevent it? remain. Bitter scars are all that's left of those of who were left behind.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
Thanks Onyx. That was exactly my point
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oh my goddess...i would ahve been mortified completely. you told this so well and I know you must have had oe hell of a tim doing so. this is incredably sad and hurts like hell. he has passed on but you are left with the scars.
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Thanks Kimberly. I know you have worked with this for awhile. I wonder if you would have an actual hotline phone number that I could add to my author's notes up there to go along with that website. If you do, could you just IM it to me and I'll add it to my notes up there. Thanks sweety.
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I wish I could count how many similar stories such as this I have heard during the course of my career as a crisis counselor for Suicide Prevention. It's the biggest reason my kids can hug so freely and show appreciation and say thank you for even the smallest, most minute things. They always knew when I handled a particularly rough case because I spent the evening holding them close to me and making sure they knew I loved them and I valued them and I appreciated them. People don't realize how important it is to let others know those things and it takes just a few minutes from each day to say so. Very moving Robin. I'm sorry you ever had to go through this. Our lives are like a pebble tossed into the ocean... the rippling effect of what we do and what we say stretches further than we realize.
~KImberly
Edited on Dec 31, 1:01 because ''. -
Thank you shatterdxglass and yes I think it's alright to say that when you are referring to writing. I know you meant that the story was told well, not that the incident was a good thing. Thank you.
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Hi Jacky. I wish I knew why. No one ever knew why. He didn't leave a note. He was always a little shy (like me) but there were some things going on in his family that weren't what we would call "normal" but certainly not bad enough for the average person to take their life over. It will always be a mystery. Thank you for reading and commenting.
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wow...this is an awesome story.(as stated above by Meags," This was wonderful...is it ok to say that something sad was wonderful?". i am almost about to cry. its very sad indeed. im very sorry that such a thing has impacted your life. its very hard to lose someone that you know, whether close or not, especially when you are 13. Thank you for sharing
Best Wishes,
Kim*
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Thank you Azazel. You are right, we can't stop them if they are determined. I don't blame myself now...I did when I was a kid though, for many years. Thank you for your sweet words.
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I almost cried when jay hung himself. This is the best thing ive read in the website. Now im shivering. I have a question. Why did he commit suicide? Please reply. I loved this peice. Thank you for writing this. thank you
Love always,
Jacky -
Wow, it began as such a sweet story, then got so, so sad. I know what its like to lose a friend to suicide, But theres never really ANYTHING someone can do, theres a self destructive, cant think of a word... thing, a self destructive thing in those people that no one can stop, the only thing we can do is try and make things as pleasant as possible for those people while their here, and then continue on with life when their gone.
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yea, well, jack london coldent spell worth crap. and hes a great auther. thats what editors are for
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um, thanks for the help however ever other word in your comment is mispelled.
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I have sevral comments. my comments are however on the story, and must be seperated from your real loose. please except my condolences for this. i also agree with the person above's comments on the short sentences. another idia, if you read your story aloud and the sentences have impact you know your right on. if they dont you need too revise. also you might want too consider revising and re-reading the story as a whole, putting in such literery devices as forshawdoing and symboles too help tie the story toghetr. please relize these are only critisisms on the writing and not on your lose.
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This was wonderful...is it ok to say that something sad was wonderful? I hope so. I know from tragic experiences that my sorrys will not mean anything, and by now they're probably annyoying. Keep strong and know that nobody blames you <3
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I'm sorry for your tragedy. That must've been so hard to go through, especially as a child, and even now as an adult it must be so hard to live with. I know that I can't even begin to understand how it must feel. But you did such a wonderful job writing this, and it was so kind and thoughtful of you to share it with others - it helped me more than you could know.
I love life. I know I have a lot to live for. Hell I even have an easy life. But for some people, like me, there is always the little voice in the back of your mind that says "end it all". Thanks to your story, I realized how selfish that would be. The last thing I want to do is hurt those I love the most. So thank you so much for sharing this, even though I know it had to be painful.
Thanks again.
Allie -
oh my sweet friend. i do understand what you are trying to say....but I also hope that you do know 100% that there was no way that you held even a little of the blame....first of all...you were 13 , and being told someone will make french fries ...even an adult would not guess at what they were trying to say by trying to draw out the conversation and keeping you there. The ending I am sure will somehow get to jay....he does not blame you 9 whereever he may be and I am sure that is at peace )
much love
Reenie
and thx for the hug and the one from blake to Max <-----said "I love you "clear as a bell for the first time today
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extremley good.
Oh wow. I aplaud you for being so candid and writing about this. I'm actually tearing up. With a little editing I think you could publish this. -
I'm sorry for your loss. Your poems is very emotional and you expressed the events well.
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awesome
wow...this is sad. im sorry about your friend Jay. i can tell that this seems lyk it happened just yesterday...im not sure if i could handle that guilt...sounds lyk u have handled it well. great write..thanks for sharing!! ~Alyssa~ -
great
wow this is good i like it good job your good at writing storys and thats good that you got it off you chest that way great job with this write i wouldl ove to read more! -
Thank yu Lulu. Yes it was a heavy load to carry and truthfully until now, I have never told anyone that I felt responsible. It felt quite good to get that off my chest. Thank you for the warm comment.
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I'm so sorry for this loss that still haunts you after all those years. That must have been so hard to go through adolesence with that burden on your shoulders. This is so sad and will hopefully be helpful to others. Thank you for sharing your story.
-lulu -
::tips hat::
powerful, in its message, but not so hot in its delivery.
::shakes head:: i think you have some skill in the way you portrayed the emotion, but you dont seem to have fully used that talent. your story was full of short sentences, easily read and easily passed over. while great to provide impact in select areas, brief lines like yours ought to be melded together to provide better sentence structure and more interesting reading.
this all doesnt say what i want to say; you have a good piece, it needs some work, but it is obviously serving as a catharsis for you, and those should never be changed. i enjoyed reading it; its simplicity was nice because and the message important. less of a story that a tale to tell teens when you know theyre upset. (i suppose there is much of that on this site, though).
anyhow, good luck in your writing, love, and i hope you arent offended by my cticical comments. -
Thank you RomanticDreamer.
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Powerful and Breath-taking
Wow. That was haunting and extremely powerful. Well written and magnificantly executed. My apologies. Nothing can fill the void of a friend lost. -
I'm sorry for the thoughts you have running through your head. Just know that most of us have had those same thoughts. Acting on them is not something you can ever take back and it leaves those who love you to forever mourn and feel responsible. Feel better please and keep on plugging.
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wow. i wasn't expecting this ending at all. what a great story.... this story really does give me encouragement, especially today because i've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts running through my head today but bc of ur story i just might keep plugging away.
thanx.
ellen -
Thanks sweety. I appreciate your thoughtful comment and for backing me up, more or less on my thoughts. Thank you!
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great
wow that sounds like something fiction that would be in a movie, but its actually happened to you That must have been really hard for you to find out that your friend just hung himself, he mustve known that you cared for him so much, that you would stop him from doing that. "For anyone who is thinking about committing suicide, please understand that even though you are hurting, the devastation you leave behind will last forever." -- thats true if you commit suicide or try to youre not only hurting yourself, but you will mostly hurt the people who care for you the most because they will be saddened. good story -
Thanks Lynne. Your sweet words are comforting
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Touching
I find it sad that we often look back and feel guilty.....Things that are beyond our control do happen. All we can do is cherish the wonderful memories that we do have. I understand the strong message coming from this write and I thank you for it ....I also ask you to forgive yourself....It was not in your power to change destiny, then or now, even thought I know you would have tried....Rest easy little bird
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Thank you criss. I do hope the message reaches those that need it.
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Thank you. Hugs are always welcome. Here's one back to you
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excellent
My god. I was there. Back in the 70's standing right over
your left shoulder. For some reason I think we can never ever forget the things that happen to us when we are 13 years old.
It is so easy to blame yourself. And the loss of a life must be the worst thing. When I was 13
I lived in Amarillo Texas. My best friend was Debbie Bell. My 'boyfriend' was Jesse - half cherokee half white. It wasn't him that died but his father. And afterwards his mother took her kids back to some reservation. I am totally convinced that he would have been The One. But I never saw him again. It took me years to forgive his dad for dying.
This was just an amazing write. You have a gift. I was enthralled and glad I took my time before commenting.
And the message. I hope people take note.
Best wishes, always ~ criss
Edited on Dec 30, 9:41 because ''. -
I have chills and goosebumps after reading this... I know people say that all the time... but honestly.... I mean it. I'm not sure as to what I should say... this is powerful stuff...
Speechless... all I can do is give you a hug and say God bless you.
((((((((((((((((((((Lyrical Soul)))))))))))))))))))
Edited on Dec 30, 9:39 because 'hug wasn't right...'. -
This was so sad, yet with it being so sad, it sent a very strong message to alot of people I'm sure. This write was beyond amazing..good job.
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Well Done!
I have to admit when I first started reading this piece, it didn't grab me right away. However, as I read on I found I was gripped more and more. It's funny the things you remember about people especially ones who are taken from us in such a manner... This is a beautiful message delivered in a wonderful write. I give you big hugs and send some peace and love your way. Thank you for the write, with such a positive message in it.
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I am intrigued, but the phone is ringing so I will return...
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Thank you Eddy so much for this wonderful comment and as always, for your understanding
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Thank you Cheryl. I will never forget Jay. He will always be a part of me and a part of who I am now.
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Robin,
This is an amazing story. Sometimes when go through something so tramatic as a young person, we never get over it. We learn to deal with it, but we never get over it. I think you did a very good deed to write this story. There are many people here that will benifit from hearing your story and it will help them in one way or another. Good Job Girlfriend! I am glad to see you featuring it!
Cheryl
Cheers!!!
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Thank you darkangel89 and yes I'm fine now. That was 28 years ago...though obviously since I'm writing about it now, it does still weigh on my mind from time to time. Anyone who is suicidal is in a sad place but what I think needs to be known is the after effects it leaves the rest of us with when they are successful at the deed. 28 years later, I still grieve on some level. Thank you for the wonderful comment sweety.
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.... That is beyond sad.. I'm soo sorry you had to go through that.. Awesome write I hope things are better for you now - C
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There have been many suicide in my life...starting from age nine, so I understand you. Last year there were six people who attempted suicide that I knew directly or indirectly with two being "successful". One was a head-on accident they ruled an accident but he had just broken up with his wife. The other was a girl who attempted to shoot herself with a shotgun and it slipped and she got bellyshot, so she must have suffered turmendously before passing. It's hard on you because like you said you always wonder if you could have done something about it. It is probably part of the reason I try to teach about achievng happiness inside and about responsibility. In end it comes down to not getting what we wanted, so we feel life hasn't been fair or everyone hates us. Now we know that isn't true from experience but when your younger you life revolves are your group or lack there of. So even being ingnored can be a big thing. We can not control what another person does and that is the bottom line. They will believe what they have in their head and that will become reality to them, whether it is true or not. People can also be very cruel at times and so this can give an extra push over the edge. What people need to learn is that THEY control their life, no one else does and so if they don't like how it is going they need to change what they are doing or who they are around. It can be hard but sometimes it must be done for your own good. Sorry for you loss hun, believe I do understand...
Hugs...Eddy -
Damn. Sorry to hear that. I realized the meaning of burnt fries before you even had to explain it. I know it hurts to write about such painful memories, but it can also be a very cleansing experience. Thanks for sharing this. Sad, but very emotional.
PS. Love the background!
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good work I likrf it.
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Thank you! I am still editing this. I wrote it in a hurry actually. I've been thinking about it for oh about...28 years
but wrote it down quickly this morning while I had my nerve up If you see any edits that I need hon, feel free to shout them out to me. Thanks.
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WOW!! You have major talent I am speechless. Great write, I saw the title and feel in love at first sight and HAD to read this, and I am so glad I did. Great imagery, and meaning, and I liked the points you were got to get across. Great job , and keep writing, wouldn’t want the world to collapse without your brilliant mind! Best of wishes and great great job !!!!!!!!!!
Don't worry, I overlooked the errors, though they're were a few I wont mention them because the story was so so great! I'm not good at editing anyways, hehe it could be perfect and I'm just stupid. Anyways, great story!!!!!! I'll buy you're book when you're famous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -
excellent!
As I write this, I realize that the first letter of each sentance is going to be obscured by the white bordering of your background, but I write anyway.
But this is a very serious yet enlightening story about childhood agonies, and written very well, I might add. -
Thank you fallendreams. You put a lot of reality to this with your words. Thank you for the wonderful heartfelt comment.
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A sad story so worth the time it took to read it. Few will ever know the black desparation that leads a person to even contemplate taking their life, much less take it. You go into a sense of feeling that living with the pain you are experiencing can not be tolerated any longer and that rather than hurt those that love you it will give them release from the pain they feel knowing how badly you hurt. The taste and feel of a gun barrel in your mouth in moments like this can be oddly calming, a promise of an end to the demons plauging your soul and at that point it looks like a pretty good trade to make. Not everybody acts on it but I wouldn't be suprised to hear a large number go at least this far with their prefered method. However, once that step is taken the next step has lost some of the forbidding sense it held previously. Watch your friends.
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Thank you Kelly. If it helps just one person, then the pain of writing this is worth it. I'm glad you got the metaphoric title I was hoping it would make sense. Thanks for the comment and the applause.
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Amazing write! It must have been difficult to replay those events and write them, but I think that it is a story that everyone should hear. I am sorry for your loss so long ago, but I'm glad that you realize that it's not your fault. By the way, very good metaphoric title...your writing caught me emotionally and made me just sit and stare into space, thinking about the irony...
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I'm so glad you have moved away from the edge and I'm so sorry to hear about your boyfriend and his brother.
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Wow.....just wow. My heart goes out to you-thats an incredable story, absolutly sobering. Reading stories about suicide always seem to have that effect on me and im sure anyone else whos come to close to considering it as seriously as i did for awhile. I had actully been considering suicide since my boyfriend and his brother were killed in a car accident a month ago and i havnt been getting any better nad i havnt been healing and your story kinnda kicked my back away from the edge. Just me this one person hurting for him is fine but to take my life and add on all the people that care about me having to hurt because i couldnt take the pain...just isnt fair-so thank you...your story kinnda shead some light on what, up until this point, was a very dark thought.
-Rachel- -
beautifully world shaking
thank you so much for putting all of your emotion out there. this was such a great write, and i respect you so much for moving people like that. i am so sorry about your friend, but i'm glad that you no longer blame yourself. great write, very moving and emotional.
~LiSa~
Edited on Dec 29, 11:56 because ''. -
that was amazing. never expected that ending. great write, thanks for sharing.
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Wow, this was a very nice write
Its almost weird because I knowhow it feels to be guilty for something you didnt do
Its a horrible feeling, and Im glad now as an adult you know that it wasnt your faukt
I am so sorry for your loss -
thanks for writting something like this, its something we all needed to hear and the great thing about it is, that its the truth..and I'm glad you were the person to point it out to us without getting lost..you made perfect sence...Your a very very good writer...Keep at it and keep writting these these stories....*hugs you*......Jeska
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i like it, its moving and sad....great write though
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Thanks bleedingtolive. Yes it's a very true story. The part about the french fries...well, the last thing he said to me was that he was going to go cook some. When they found him dead, french fries were burning on the stove. The reason this stuck with me is because it indicated to me that he killed himself shortly after I left. I hope this explains it a little for you.
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WOW!
WOW! i got shivers from that. is it true?? It was really 'moving'. there was alot of feeling in it. but i dont understand the part about the french fries. -
Great write, I enjoyed it very much, I hope to read more of your work, it kept me there and I bore easy so you do have something special,A lot of feeling in this piece, I wish you evey success whitch I am sure you will have one dat, have a very happy new year, yes it's nearly here another year done,
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well done
I agree with SweetyPeach and Rachal,I've been convinced as well.I really liked your work. It was a great read as well. -
I agree with SweetyPeach, you convinced me. This was a really great write. I really liked it. Keep up teh great work. keep writing, Rachal
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Thanks for writing this...you convinced me of something everyone else couldn't, and I'm sure anyone else who reads it is convinced, too. I'll bookmark this, and thanks for sharing.
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