It’s 11:26 PM on a Thursday night, and I’m sitting at my usual table at my usual bar downtown, casually sipping my gin and tonic. That’s when she walks through the door. I wouldn’t normally pay any heed to a woman (unless I liked her shoes or thought they were absolutely horrid), but she was different. I could sense it right away. She was tall, slender and overdressed, wearing a tight, orange mini-dress with matching stilettos and a white feather boa. Her curly brunette hair was a bit mangled, and her make-up was smudged.1
She stepped into the light and paid the doorman from a miniature clutch purse. Her wrist and forearm were intricately decorated with dozens of bar admission stamps that trailed all the way to her elbow. She firted with the doorman who finally let her in after she slipped him her tongue and a fifty. 2
I was surprised and giddily amused as she sashayed toward me--or tried to. She smiled at me intoxicatingly, with teeth (and legs) like an Edwardian grand piano. And by the time I realized it, she was already sitting right next to me. “Hi there sugar, I’m Lucy, how are you?” she inquired stoically in a sultry Southern drawl. 3
“Fine,” I replied flatly, as I lit up a cigarette, not wanting to
lead her on.4
“Mind if I have one of those, hun?”, she said as she snatched my my pack of smokes, lit one with a match and continued on like it was the fucking Spanish Inquisition: “Thanks, do you come here often?” I replied with a nod and a rather amazed I developed an intense urge to dash in a free-for-all beeline towards the exit sign; I knew no good could come from her or from this terribly awkward situation. But then, intrigue struck, hard:5
"I have a tattoo near my twat. It’s of a rubber ducky, if you want to see it," she said as she stood up and inched up her dress.6
“No!”, I almost screamed, a little over-zealous and very much in shock. “That’s OK, you don’t have to show it to me. Please, sit down.” She sat down again with a child-like, wrinkled nose and a hurtful pang in her eye, and I was almost convinced to actually look at her tattoo; well, until I heard what she said next.7
“Well, then I have a Taiwanese fuck-basket back at my place if you like to party that way”, she said, with an instant transition from innocent, hurtful schoolgirl to naughty, sadomasochistic dominatrix. “It’s really fun,” she continued, “And it can fit up to three!”8
“Jesus Christ, woman! No way!" I answered, scratching my eyebrow, bewildered and just a bit scared.9
“Oh, come on!” she pleaded, “I just shaved my twat, and I douched yesterday and everything!”10
At first I found myself drowning in a psychological quagmire of emotions--fear, repulsion, intrigue, amusement, confusion and intoxication all mixed up in my mind tightly. For a second I wondered what this crazy woman was getting at; it was five minutes within me knowing her and I already had an up-to-date status report on the current condition and cleanliness of her genitalia, which she so gracefully refer to as her "twat." “Sorry, but I don’t swing that way,” I replied politely.11
“Oh, so you’re a queer”, she said bluntly.12
“I’m gay," I agreed.13
“Then maybe you’ll like this,” she loosely inferred as she fumbled for her bag. I paused for a moment, only guessing what she would bring out of it: a syringe, pepper spray, a rubber dildo, --who knew? She then grappled something from the infernal abyss of her purse, reached her arm across the table and opened her palm, slowly revealing two small, round yellow pills.14
I looked at her with a puzzled face, then glanced in her hand and then back at her. “Do you want one?” she asked, as she quickly put one in her mouth.15
Maybe it was because I’m a lush, or maybe it was the four or five gin and tonics I had previously, but I casually reached for the remaining pill, pinched it tightly between my thumb and index finger and then slowly dropped it in my mouth.16
She immediately stood up, grabbed her purse and then stumbled her way towards the exit. “Oh by the way, what was that I took?” I inquired as she was halfway to the door.17
“Just a little sunshine, sweetie. Have fun”, she replied, feigning a kiss, putting out her cigarette butt with the toe of her high heel shoe before exiting the bar...18
Now it’s almost noon, I think, on Sunday, I hope, and I’m sitting here behind the dumpster of a Denny’s somewhere in northern Minnesota, covered in my own filth. I’m wearing a small orange dress and stilettos and a white feather boa, and holding a small white purse. I don’t know how I got here, how long I’ve been here or why my arm is covered in bar admission stamps, but I do know one thing: my groin is fucking killing me. 19
I look down at my crotch, which is semi-covered by the hem of the dress, and I notice that my pubic hair had been trimmed and shaved, probably to make view for the small, yellow rubber duck tattoo on the right side of my innermost thigh. What the hell did I do? I rummage through the purse for any remnants of who I was and any clue of who I am now. All I can find is a cigarette and a single striking match, two yellow pills and a picture of me, buck naked and strapped into some sort of leather sexual apparatus that was suspended from a ceiling. And on the back it says, “Thanks for the good time, darlin'. Lucy.”20
"Typical", I think to myself, as I light up the cigarette then sashay down the road while cupping my balls and scouting the area for local pubs or drinking bars.
Author notes
This is my first short story; I hope you all like it.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Very intriguing!
Your descriptions are so vividy on spot in this short story that I feel as if I were there taking the bar scene in. I was glued to the story until it ended. You did a marvelous job telling the tale and taking your reader into a seductive world ripe with dupe and shadows.
The dialogue added dementia and demension to the situation. I really thought about the influence drugs have upon the pshyche, too.
I was surprised at the ending. It rather took on the characteristics of a split personality after a black out period. Very scary, indeed! -
Okay, this is damn funny. Buddy, I feel sorry for you. This is so damn funny, I'm almost convinced this really happened. Don't you hate the smell of desperation in the air? Sometimes I find myself yelling, "Get behind me Satan!" Anyway, this was good enough for an applause. Keep the writing up.
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Perfection!
I really love that it's fantastic. Very amusing! I'd really like to see more stories from you. You're an excellent writer and your poetry is exquisite! -
EXCELLENT
The title dragged me in, and I read all the way through just impressed, alittle amused, confused and scared of what might happen next! ...I LOVED this! I found it VERY entertaining, and the ending was totally unexpected. .. and for that orange dress-god, what woman would wear THAT
Great work, a job well done
-nicci -
aw the perks of not believing in censorship, it lets you delve into the unknow worlds of the people that experience life! I love this story its awesome! I like the ....ingenious of it..its simply awesome!
lol i want more..but..then it wouldn't be a short story would it?
Keep writing!
Rosita -
Wow. That was terribly amusing and mildly depressing. I absolutely love it. The details and the imagery made it absolutely irresistable. I could not stop reading it, and I usually don't make it a point to read short stories. But I loved this one. Write on. ~*~SpydurPoet~*~
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Freaking hilarious
LOL LOL LOL.... well dawlin... I have a tattoo on my tit. Do ya wanna see it? -
Good job.
Well, I don't know what Writer's Digest would make of this, but I do know that it's clever and ingenious. I read the critiques above and the bit about conjuctions is a good point. You might want to make a note of that. I suspect about 300 more pages like this would get a best seller. Unique and strange, but it was amusing and entertaining and what more can you ask for in a short story?
Jim Dunlap -
This was brilliant, reading this had my total attention, which sometimes can be hard, the ending is really funny, and I loved the way you were really descriptive, in the short story, this is GREAT, keep writing brillaint pieces like this, luv Romanee, xx
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I like this a lot. This is the best story I have read in quite a while..thanks for sharing, keep up th good work and i will be looking forward to more from you in the future
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Amusingly Odd
I must say, this is the most amusing story I've read in quite a while. A little odd, a little off-beat, a little confusing, but all n all a great joy to read. I have to bookmark this and go read anything else you have written. You have hidden talents as an author and I look forward to your next piece. -
I'm really confused. And I mean REALLY confused. Not the bad type of confused like, "Why the hell did someone write this?" but the type of confused that's like, "I DON'T GET IT!" I really don't.. Was the character talking to himself? Or was the other person a transexual.. I dunno. I'm confused. I read like 3 times and I still can't get it. Anyways, good job (on the parts I understood).
~ I.t. -
cool and okay
This poem was sort of funny, I liked it -
Hi!
It’s 11:26 PM on a Thursday night, and I’m sitting at my usual table at my usual bar, casually sipping my usual alcoholic delight.
I am going to give this a real critique. I hope that you find it helpful. If it sounds harsh, I do not mean for it to be. It is how I critique professional writers I work with, and how I like to be critiqued. I ask a lot of questions, not to challenge you personally, but to challenge your creativity, to help you (hopefully) look at your own work in a different way, and in that way, maybe help you to revise it. I have to say that I don't see my way as the only way, and in the end, you have to take what works for you, and ignore the rest.
Stories are my fortay, so I was happy when I saw this featured.
For a first short story, I think it is fantastic! I have a few suggestions. (Beware: sometimes I try to turn short stories into novels)
This is a common mistake: It’s 11:26 PM on a Thursday night, and I’m sitting at my usual table at my usual bar, casually sipping my usual alcoholic delight.... I understand that you are trying to establish that this is a normal night for you, (as you are setting up for something extraordinary to happen) but you can do this in a more subtle way. You used the word "usual" three times in one sentence. As a reader I feel I am being led to to something by a string of clues. You don't have to be so obvious to set up your situation.
That’s when I noticed her walking through the door... I think you should change the present participle "walking" to walk. Present participles are verb forms ending in -ing that designate continuing action. Use them as sparingly as possible, and avoid them in all cases in which you can use an active verb instead. Like the passive voice and "there was," they are weak.
Same here: I wouldn’t normally pay much heed to a strange woman entering a room... you can re-phrase it slightly and avoid the use of a present participle with an action verb: I wouldn't normally pay any heed when a strange woman enters a room... okay, you get the idea, so I won't mention present participles any more.
Her curly brunette hair was a bit mangled, I could tell, and her make-up was stale and bit smudged.... you used the phrase "a bit" twice in the same sentence.
As she stepped... don't start a sentence with a subordinate conjunction such as "as" unless you are writing dialogue, because, obviously, people don't speak in grammatically correct sentences. She stepped into the light she paid the cover charge...
miniature clutch purse, I noticed... this should be two separate sentences. There should be a period after purse.
way to her elbow. Then she sashayed toward me... this should be two separate paragraphs. Lost the word "then" at the beginning of the sentence. It's another conjunctive, and it weakens your sentence. Also, I think you should let the reader know how you felt as you watched her sashay toward you. Example: I was surprised when she sashayed toward me, or tried to...
at least—smiling intoxicatingly... Again, go for strong verbs and nouns: Her smile was intoxicating, with teeth ...
And by the time ...I'm going to stop pointing out the sentences beginning with conjunctives. You get the idea.
she inquired stoically, spraying me with her putrid alcohol-ridden breath... I am tempted to let Sistatroll tell you about the use of adjectives (stoic, putrid) She never fails to bust me if I use them. What an adjective does is tell instead of show the reader something. Use your imagery to show me stoic, show me putrid.
Okay... I am going to stop critiquing there, because this forum is not set up for formal critiques. If you want, you can e-mail me at hobart20002001@yahoo.com
Edited on Dec 29, 3:00 because ''. -
okay I'm bookmarking this one! the title snagged me in itself, but what i've got so far, I'm liking!
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Fandiddlytabulous!
Hmm.......(gropes to decribe how he feels)......well, to start off, I would just like to say, that this story is probably the most original short story that I have read in a long time. I've read short stories before that where totally predictable, (and those predictable ones have started to gain number in recent weeks), but this is sheer poetry (well, prose to be specific) and it's sheer genius!!!!
Also, I loved the entire story. (This is your FIRST story? Really? Boy, it was just awesome!) I mean, you start reading and you wonder what is going on with the woman (is she an alcoholic, some sort of bum, or prephaps she is crazy and put them there herself?). (It this point I began to wonder why the "gaurd" [would that be correct to use?] at the opening of the bars didn't stop her and say "You seem to have had enough for one night, go home." You know, because of all of the stamps on her arms.)
Then, it was suspencful at the begining (for me anyway.) But soon, suspence gave way to humor as I continued to read. Then suspence returns when she reachs inside of her purse. When I find out that she only has drugs, I relaxed with relief because I thought that she would pull out a gun. He eats the pills and I thought, "Well, it's over. He'll probably wake up with a hang-over, but safe at his home.. Right?"
Well, I was wrong. I loved the ending because of when he wakes up just like the woman who took him. I think that it is decent of her to have left him a note. I mean, it's the lest that she could've done.
After all of this rambling, (sorry about that) I just want to say that this is truly a great story and wonderfully refreshing to have read.
Thank you for posting this story and allowing myself and many others to have read your first story!
Dominic -
Nice twist.
A good little story.....nice twist at the end...keep on writing. -
This was interesting all the way through. I'm really glad I took the time to read it.Drops of sunshine huh?I'm not sure if there are some errors with the punctuation or not but you may want to check just in case.This was a really good short funny and not preditable in the least.Good thing the dress was stretchy!LOL
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crazy awesome...im not sure what to say except this is excellent - i would edit a tad - there are a few small grammatical errors and phrasing that is awkward but in general, its really good - nice job
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Hmm...this is different I have to admit. At first I wasn't too sure about it but as I read on I found it to be quite interesting. I thought it was a little humourous as well. I'm still not sure how I felt about the ending though so I cannot comment on that.
~Destiny~ -
This was great I can't stop laughing
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this was an interesting story....
it makes me uncomfortable how the character did things which (i assume it is a he) he said he didnt want to, after taking the purple pill. -
OMG, this is soooo fucking hilarious. Very strange, very different, but a very interesting and funny read.
*Sigh* If only I could get my boyfriend some sunshine pills... *raises eyebrow*. What a rip-roarin' good time THAT would be....
dangerous-angel
~Jessica~ -
I LOVED IT!!! I totally expected the whole "finding someone in a dumpster" bit, but not in the orange dress and all...thats pretty hysterical! And I like how you leave the ending- will he move on or become as crazed as the other chick was? AWESOME write, please write another story!!!
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