One Foot In The Grave - Part Ten

Group therapy was pretty weird without Conor. It was surprisingly more tense, the air was buzzing with an unattractive static that was due to his disappearance. The sick part is that the only thing that got us excited was someone trying to kill themselves. Deanna Brewer tried desperately to settle the members of our group, hushing everyone eventually. But the electricity wasn’t gone. I glanced over at Tegan, raising my eyebrows. She glanced back, smiling slightly. She was uncannily happy about Conor’s attempt. Personally, I was more worried. I hated him, sure thing, but something wrong, and I mean really wrong, must have happened to make him do it. And I was certain Tegan had something to do it. 1

Deanna tried to start the session without mentioning the missing member. Disappointly for her, this was the exact opposite of what everyone wanted. For once, people were paying attention and were almost EXCITED about coming to group. To get answers, to play detective - the only bit of fun we’d get for a long time.2

“Where’s Conor, Deanna?” Tegan asked sweetly, showing a few pearly whites when she smiled. I shifted uncomfortably. I didn’t know what had happened, but ever since I told her Conor had been taken away, she’d been too keen. Way too keen. There was a crazy glint in her eye which told me she had got exactly what she wanted. I was pretty certain she didn’t know I’d twigged on; I’m generally good at reading people, and equally as good at making myself unreadable. 3

“That’s not something we’re here to discuss, Tegan. And as you’ve volunteered yourself to speak, you can start today’s group off” said Deanna firmly. I stifled a laugh at Tegan’s misfortune. Her face went from shock to a deep scowl as she began to speak about ambitions, or something like that. I closed my eyes slightly, watching the room become blurry as my eyelashes drew together. I evened my breathing, lulling myself into a comatose state. The drone of teenagers talking pushed me further into my dreamy consciousness and I felt my body becoming heavy. 4

“What about you, Maegan?” I opened my eyes slowly, staring at the ceiling. My body was limp and my hands hung at the sides of my chair, almost brushing the dull grey carpet.5

“Nothing. I have no ambitions” I said blankly, closing my eyes again. I could almost hear Deanna’s annoyance as she shifted in her chair, bustling around to hide her embarrassment. She really wasn’t a very good psychiatrist – she let tiny things like that affect her far too much. Still, it didn’t bother me that much. I’d rather have a bad psychiatrist that a good one. 6

“OK, what about you Danny?” she moved swiftly on to the other members of the group, bullying them into answering her. I listened to the second hand on the clock ticking endlessly, round and round the face. I sighed slowly, gagging for a fag. What I wouldn’t give to have a little stick of joy screwed between my lips, sending wave after wave of hot smoke into my lungs. 7

“OK, so seriously. Now group’s ended, Deanna, where’s Conor?” At the sound of Tegan’s voice again, I opened my eyes and slowly sat up, watching her and Deanna. She had her hands on her hips and a glare directed at Deanna. She was ignoring the glare and had one hand on her hip, causally coping Tegan, who noticed it and shifted her position with her hands shoved deep inside her pockets. A move Deanna couldn’t copy, due to the lack of pockets on her pink tweed skirt. 8

“Tegan, I’m warning you. This is not the time to discuss it” She said patiently, looking Tegan in the eye. I saw her bristle like a wildcat, hunching her shoulders.9

“Why not? Everyone else knows. I was in my session with you. It’s my right” she said childishly, trying to hard to get a response from Deanna.10

“Well, Tegan, I suggest you ask them, because it’s not my place to tell you, alright?” Deanna replied coolly, moving past Tegan who slouched into a chair, leaving just her and me in the room. 11

“That woman REALLY fucks me off sometimes” she muttered darkly. I grinned at her, standing up. 12

“C’mon, Teag, let’s go back to our room. I’ll tell you about it then. We’ve got free time now” I held out my hand, beckoning her. She grabbed it, linking her fingers into mine as she stood up, dropping it soon after she was on her feet. Tegan didn’t like physical contact. 13

Back in our room, I told Tegan as much as I knew. Information that had been gathered by gossiping teenagers, most of it horrendously exaggerated. As far as my knowledge went, Conor had smashed his head against a tap, which resulted in him nearly drowning himself. All of it seemed self inflicted, there’s no way anyone could do that by accident. Plus, knowing Conor’s history, it was kind of hard to go down the accident route. As I was speaking, I watched Tegan’s face carefully, trying desperately to find any hint of pride or excitement.14

“They all reckon someone provoked him...” Tegan’s eyes shot up, looking at mine carefully.15

“Oh yeah?” she said mildly, trying to act uninterested. I smirked to myself.16

“Yeah, but that Jake guy won’t say anything. I think he knows about it all.” I paused, watching the flicker of relief, and panic, flash across her face. “Hasn’t he got weird since it happened?” I said cheerily, changing the subject quickly. I knew it was mean, teasing her. But I needed to know what had happened, and if Tegan wasn’t going to tell me, then this was the only was I was going to be able to understand what had happened.17

“Yeah...do you think he’s had any visitors?” Tegan asked, briefly meeting my eyes.18

“What, Jake? Yeah, probably loads of guards and stuff. I bet Deanna’s been on his back for ages” I said, picking at the blanket I was sat on.19

“No, you dumbass. Conor, do you think anyone’s visited him? I mean, he’s a fucking...fucking...Oh, I don’t know! But no one really likes him do they?” she exploded.20

“Yeah, I suppose. I think he’s easy to hate because he’s hard to get close to. He’s really, you know, locked-and-thrown-away-the-key type, isn’t he?” I replied slowly, looking for a reaction.21

“Or he’s just fucking retarded” Tegan muttered, looking at her crossed legs on the bed. I laughed – she was right, in a way. He was easy to hate.22

“Why, Teag? Thinking of visiting?” I asked bluntly. She looked at me, pausing. 23

After a few seconds she replied, “Yeah, yeah I was” in a soft voice, as if she was choosing her words very carefully. I raised my eyebrows at her.24

“That’s brave. Going with Brewwer, or dropping in for an unscheduled visit?” I said, half jokingly, half seriously.25

“Go somewhere with Brewwer? I’d rather spend the hour with Conor thanks” she cackled, tugging at her sleeve. “No, seriously. I want to know what happened. I’m going to talk to him. Want to come?” she asked, gazing at me questioningly with her violet eyes. 26

I shook my head. “Nah, rather not.” I didn’t want to be in the middle of World War Three, thanks. Still, it would be quite interesting. But I figured Tegan would rather go on her own. Talk to Conor, convince him not to say anything. Because something DID happen between her and Conor, every ounce of common sense told me I was right.27